So Indecisive!

[Running4life]

This is a first for me. I have never added a thread but I really need some assistance here.
I have been trying to quit drinking (mostly red wine) for about 10 years now. I have managed to quit for a couple of months and once for 7 months but I always end up going back. Now I only seem to get a couple of weeks or a few days at a time. I have been using Antibuse to try to quit. It works as long as I take it but after taking one pill I will go days without taking another and then when I think it has worn off I will drink again.
The problem is that when I drink my heart races all night long. I am not sure if there is residual antibuse left in the system or if it is just from the alchohol. The doctor says it is stress. (I have not told him how I am playing with the antibuse) I have not taken any antibuse for about three weeks now. Last night I had four glasses of wine and my heart pounded all night.
In the morning I never want to drink again and I tell myself to take the antibuse but by lunch time I am telling myself that I don't need to. By the evening I am drinking again, and then during the night the heart thing and the whole senario plays out again.
I am going away on a holiday for two weeks starting tomorrow and there will be plenty of drinking as we are going to two conventions. (these people like to party)
I am thinking of taking the antibuse so I won't drink but I am hesitant because I will likely have moments where I will feel trapped because I will want to drink and can't. I am also afraid that I will let it wear off and drink the second week, but with some residual in the system I may get symptoms like I have been getting.
So I am asking you all to give me the courage and reasoning to take the stupid pill and keep taking it. ( I am also worried about accidently getting alchohol in food)
I really don't enjoy drinking any more and I feel trapped by it. I love to run and do about 3 half marathons a year. Alchohol interferes with running and I don't want it to rob me of my good heath and fitness.
If I sound indecisive it is because I am. I am looking to you guys for support and encouragement to fight this awful battle. I have been reading all of your posts and have posted a couple of times myself. I find it is extremely helpful.
This is the first time I have asked for help and I am looking forward to your responses.

[rene1]

So Indecisive!

Running.... wow.... Sounds like you are fighting the good fight. I personally think you need to be honest with your doctor. Seriously, being a runner and having accelerated heart rate while resting can not be a good thing. I've found, often, when I think of WHY I want that drink I realize I actually don't. At least not the real me. The behavior of a drinker, for me, is not my true self. When I allow myself to speak louder than the Beast (that's what I call my inner voice of unreason) I find myself mellowing out and being stronger than the voice telling me to drink. I have also found slow, meditative breathing calming. Your a runner honey, You want a drink; DON'T. throw on those running shoes and get the runner's high. It's free, healthy, and makes you feel good about yourself. I'd also recommend checking out the health food store on this site. There are many herbal supplements to help with the cravings... But, please, be honest with your Doctor. He needs to know exactly how you are using your antibuse... In the meantime; Stay Strong.... I'll send out some universal healing vibes for you and remember sometimes it comes down to one minute at a time...

[Lavande]

So Indecisive!

Hi Running4life!

You have had some significant AF time in th past. Have you discovered what it is that triggers your return to drinking? It's important to identify the reason(s) or we just keep repeating the same pattern. For me it was lonliness - pure & simple! My husband mentally checked out our our marriage 15 or more years ago (physically walked out 1 year ago).

I was sick & tired of pouring bottle after bottle of wine down my throat, not enjoying it & feeling like crap. All of a sudden I found a reason to stay quit - the birth of my first grandchild. It was time for me to change my thinking & move forward. Changing your thinking about AL is a must! You don't control it - it controls you.

Have you tried making a Pro & Cons list? Your post reveals about 4 or 5 cons related to drinking. Can you thinks of any Pros? I can't & I don't mis it a bit!
I am happier, healthier & calmer now even though life certainly is not perfect. I am better prepared to handle whatever comes my way any time of the day or night. Being hangover free for 2 years & 2 months really rocks

Wishing you the best! You can do it too!!!

Lav

[Doggygirl]

So Indecisive!

Hi Running. Wow you've gotten some great suggestions so far. I can relate - I went for many years sort of wanting to stop the insanity, but part of me still wanting to drink. And it IS insanity. At least it was in my case. But I really think if you go AF, and then come back and read your post a year from now, you will say "what the *f* was I thinking????"

Only you can decide what to do. For me, I wouldn't trade my AF life in for anything. I would take the antabuse and get my AF life back on track. My heart races like that if I eat a bunch of sugar. And I've seen alcohol described as "the jet fuel of all sugars." So I'm with Sheri thinking the heart racing is probably the AL talking. It's TOXIC to our bodies after all.

I wish you the very best. I hope you chose to stop the insanity.

DG

[Blues Dancer]

So Indecisive!

Hi Running, I'm taking antabuse. This is my second time on it. The first time I tried taking it at night but that gave me the whole day to talk myself out of taking it. I've been taking it every morning for the last 7 days. I worry that it's a crutch but I'm not drinking and I'm not obsessing over drinking either. Personally, I don't feel trapped. I feel relieved. I work in a bar so avoiding "triggers" is impossible. I'm currently sitting between two people drinking Jager and have no desire to join in.

[choice]

So Indecisive!

Hi Running,

I think your post took a lot of courage to write and I think it's so helpful to get our thoughts out even if they may be indecisive. It helps one decide what they are going to do. When I read about your heart racing it made me feel concerned for you and I hope that you take care of yourself so that something serious doesn't happen. I was in such a habit of just drinking even when I didn't enjoy it anymore and I'm not sure why we do that kind of thing. I don't think I was totally addicted physically... it was I believe mental... and I'd been doing it for 20 years so I didn't really think I could stop. I haven't tried antibuse but I'm thinking it might be a good idea to discus that with your doctor. It seams to me like you have come to a lot of answers yourself and just need support. We all do! Keep posting all the conflicting thoughts you have... I sure relate and I bet others do to.

Best, Choice

[sunshinetoday]

So Indecisive!

Hi Running,
I have not taken antibuse. I have had heart palpitations and an accelerated heart beat from drinking. Even days after drinking, going to the er, and being hooked up to the EKG machine all night, still having palpitations and irregular heartbeats. This scared me a lot because I am only 30, and heart disease runs in my family. Since being AF I have not had any of these issues. My heart seems to be completely normal.
Whenever I have drank in the past three years my heartbeat has changed. I honestly feel so much better not drinking. Not to mention my anxiety has subsided. Don't know if this helps, just throwing it your way. Good luck.

[Running4life]

So Indecisive!

Wow, I am glad that I posted. Sorry I didn't answer sooner as I didn't have access to the internet. You have helped tremendously. I will talk to the doctor when I get back from our holiday. I have not taken the antibuse as I think I need to sort when I see the doctor. I am taking it one hour at a time but feel so much better and have much more energy when I don't drink. I tend to drink 3 or 4 glasses of wine in the evening and as Choice has suggested, I think it is a habit. I also know that I drink to relieve stress.
I know what I have to do but I still cling to the idea that I can still drink. I really don't know why we want to continue to drink when we know the harm it is doing to our bodies.
Anyway, thanks so much to all of you for the support and suggestions.

[Running4life]

So Indecisive!

Sheri, thanks for the article on alcohol's effects on the heart. I had not read this before.
I have taken pride in being physically fit. I don't want to ruin my health any more.
I am convinced that I need to keep fighting this disease.
Again, thanks for all your support and suggestions.