Totally out of control

[Jackie M]

I am disgusted with myself. I have drank everyday for the past two+weeks. I've made a total ass of myself several times during this little binge and it's completely embarrassing.
I'm 41 years old and I'm partying like a 21-year-old.
I seriously need to stop this madness. In the past I've managed to stop drinking for a few months and even had a five year dry spell. Why did I ever start again?
I desperately want to be a normal drinker but I know that it's just not possible.
Thanks for listening.
Jackie

[Shephard]

Totally out of control

Hello Jackie,

I have also been through this in the past, going 14 days sometimes longer in a row drinking and eventually it just hits you as to why are you doing it and you do feel bad about it. However during my embarrassing binge there was something that happened during my life at that time that triggered it off. I too wish I could be a normal drinker, and have told myself that I can be for the past 3 years but I just simply could not and I made a complete idiot of myself for one last time and decided to once and for all attempt to just stop drinking.

Perhaps it was something that happened to you recently that could cause for such a event to happen to you?

Everyone is here on this forum to listen and help in anyway that they can

[Jackie M]

Totally out of control

I have had a lot of bad things happen in my life recently but the drinking is nothing new. I'm having one of those extra bad days-hungover, full of anxiety, obsessing over the things I said&did while drunk....
This drinking business is absolutely ridiculous.

[Lavande]

Totally out of control

Hi Jackie,

If we all continued to drink because of the bad things happening in our lives there would be no need for MWO.

I pickled myself in wine for a number of year because I was so damn sad & unhappy with my husband's behavior & neglect. 38 years of marriage down the tubes....... There will always be bad things happening but I'm choosing to not drink over them anymore. It never helped anything anyway!

What's your plan?
Revisit the Tool box & help yourself to some of the great ideas there

You are absolutely right - this drinking business is ridiculous!

Wishing yuo the best!

Lav

[choice]

Totally out of control

I couldn't agree more about this drinking business being ridiculous! I'm sorry your having a rough hangover day :l. It's been a while since I've had one but my god do I remember how those go!! I loath that helpless state of what did I say, do... trying to pick myself up and remind myself that I'm not a horrible person... I'd hope people were as drunk as me so they wouldn't remember... How weird when you think about it... I was wishing and hoping that an entire evening of hanging out with friends was a blur for all. What's the point? I'm really liking this late 30's early 40's time of my life where we can decide not to continue doing this to ourselves. It's just not the same as it was when we were 21. Life is better without this drinking business. But you know that, if you've done a 5 year stint! I'm impressed and hope I can get there myself. For the meantime, I hope you can get though the day and not be too hard on yourself. Hopefully you'll feel better in a few days. :l

[Jackie M]

Totally out of control

My plan for today is to not drink. I work in a bar so that will be a major accomplishment right there.
I need to formulate a long term plan but it all seems very overwhelming at the moment. Most of my friends are drinkers and it is going to be very hard for me to avoid alcohol.

[lil.michelle]

Totally out of control

Oh hunni, I'm so sorry *huge hugs* many of us have been there and it's an awful feeling! First things first, get rid of ALL the AL. When you next feel like drinking, think of this spell. Hopefully itll be enough to stop you. I always believe that things happen for a reason so look at this as a learning curve to grow stronger. You are still young! You can/will do this and live a long happy sober life but you need to walk away from temptation xxxx

[rebirth]

Totally out of control

Hi Jackie,
Drinking sure is madness! I use to hate myself every weekend without fail..not remembering how I got home, falling over, speaking a load of BS. Cringe cringe cringe. The crap I use to do when I drank is so embarassing.It's been a fantastic year and my drinking is in control but even to this day I get the odd reminder of the way I use to be.

Jackie you can change it. You obviously have it in you because you quit before. I initially did five months Af and I succeeded by staying away from triggers if possible...bars, clubs, drinking scenes. It was a challenge at first but my sobriety and self worth came first. Eventuelly I just did other things that didnt involve drinking and the five AF months really showed me how much my life centered around getting a drink!


Best of luck jackie. x

[Jolie]

Totally out of control

Jackie,

Just wanted to welcome you and say that a lot of us have been in your shoes. Any chance you could change professions? I know for me the most important thing to gain back control over my life was getting rid of all the alcohol in the house. I can't imagine how hard it would be to actually have to work around it as well.

We are here for you - support and understanding!

[BlondeAFAmbition]

Totally out of control

Jackie,

You have come to the right place. Taking it one day at a time is my mantra these days as sometimes thinking about committing to a whole month or even a whole week could be daunting. We have all been right where you are. Don't beat yourself up. You came here afterall, didn't you? And this was the first step for me in deciding to get clean and stay that way.

Jolie! How are you? We were hand in hand there for awhile with our AF time earlier this year...how's your journey going right now? I disappeared in March but back again and back on the horse so to speak. Good to see you post; I was wondering what you're up to!

[Jackie M]

Totally out of control

Hi Everyone-
Thanks for your kind words and support.
I can't switch jobs right now due to my financial situation. During my five year dry stint I was around alcohol and it didn't bother me. Dealing with temptation is difficult but right now it's a matter of whether or not I'm ready to make a permanent change in my life.
My biggest trigger is my husband. He tells me I need to quit drinking and he is right. The problem is the way he goes about it. He waits til we are arguing about something else then calls me a drunk and proceeds to bring up things I've said&done under the influence...not healthy. I already am not a big fan of myself and he makes me feel a million times worse. He has issues of his own that he refuses to deal with...guess we are a co-dependent mess.
So I am on day three of not drinking. I'm focusing on exercising, eating right and taking all my supplements religiously. I know I seriously need to consider talking to a professional. My mindset has always been, "I know exactly why I'm messed up. Why should I waste my time with a counselor?". My big problem is I'm stuck and don't know what to do with my life. My solution for the last five years has been to drink and not think about it. What a stupid waste of time.
Thanks for listening. I hope everyone has an awesome sober day.
Jackie M

[DriftyAlison0]

Totally out of control

Just thought that I would welcome you to the board Jackie. I am running an af June month and anyone who goes af in June can join (doesn't matter the date as long as it is in June). Feel free to check them help. We are supportive of each other and help each other stay sober.

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f9...une-50140.html the main one and https://www.mywayout.org/community/f9...une-50087.html the one that announced it, just thought that I would include this one because it has some interesting posts as well.

[Blues Dancer]

Totally out of control

Hey Jackie, I think we might be soul sisters. I'm a bartender, had almost five years sober, and I'm close to your age. I can't quit my job either. Just not possible. The first thing people always tell me is quit my job, but I got sober in a bar. I can do it again. And if you have to stay at the bar so can you. We might have a more challenging journey, but it's not impossible. I'm on day 24 AF and I'm happy. Happy, Happy, Happy!!! I joined a group on the MWO focus on fitness that's been really helpful. I don't know how to post the link, but there are some great people on there. You should check it out. I exercise everyday. I have MWO on my phone and go to it often during my shift at the bar. And I changed my attitude about my job. Everyday I see people at their worst and that serves as reminder of where I don't want to go. Everyday I check in here and see people at their best as a reminder of where I want to be. I'm sorry about your husband. Mine is a little fed up with me, but he doesn't say anything about it. He's been away on business since I started this. I'm not going to tell him, I'm just going to wait and see if he notices.
Congratulations on your 3 days. I'll be eagerly watching for your posts.

[Jackie M]

Totally out of control

Blues Dancer-
Yeah, when I was not drinking being around alcohol really didn't bother me. The hard part for me right now is being pressured to drink after work. I have a lot of regulars that like me to sit and have a drink with them when I get off. Most of my co-workers sit and drink after work also.
If I could stop with a drink or two it would be fine but one drink is like an on switch for me. I will either continue to drink at the bar, go out, or just come home and drink by myself.
For now my excuse for not drinking is that I'm trying to lose weight. Lord knows they should buy that because I need to lose about 40 pounds.
I really had a hard time leaving work tonight. I had people trying to get me to stay plus I just really wanted a drink. I grabbed my things and pretty much ran out the door.
Congratulations on your sober days!
Peace,
Jackie M

[Blues Dancer]

Totally out of control

I'm glad you left work tonight. I know it's hard. But hang in there. I didn't drink every night at work so no one's really noticed that I'm not drinking. At the end of my shift I just make up somewhere I have to be and scoot on out. I have the same switch you have. One's too many, and a hundreds not enough. I think I'm not struggling right now because I finally gave up on moderating. I just can't do it. But it took me two years to finally give up.
Good Luck, Jackie. I'm pulling for you.