I am always amazed when I get a craving out of the blue. I don't know why it is such a shock. I've just read through my old posts and it seams that I hit this point more frequently then I think. I shudder to think about how I was dealing and coping with my emotions when I drank. I was so hard on myself. I thought I was relaxing or having fun... Sometimes I even thought I needed alcohol to "think". I'm into my 10th month and while I do not think about alcohol or NOT drinking nearly as much as I use to I have these repressed emotions that come up that just flat out hurt. I'll get a lump in my throat that is really painful. My mind is functioning so much better now and I can get through these emotional waves when they come through. I guess I'm posting because I realize I am feeling really lonely today and just getting that off my chest helps. When I use to drink I'd call friends or family when I was lonely and not remember my conversations. I called my sister today because I was lonely and miss her.
I got a major brush off. I'm realizing that I get rejected a lot by her. She is going through a lot right now. Her husband just finished 30 days AF after she had threatened to leave him. I care a lot for my brother in law and really feel for him. How could I not? Honestly, with others sobriety I have a lot of hopes I know anything is possible and on the flip side anything can happen. She didn't mock my sobriety, but said that I'm unusual. That most people don't just stop. I'm not sure why that made me feel angry with her. I had to just stop because I found all other options physically and mentally too hard. It was my way out. There was nothing easy about it at all, drinking would have made my attempt to be sober harder. It sounds so obvious but it's not when dealing with such a mind game that substance had on me. I'm not sure if this makes since. I was scared if I drank again I'd die so I had to stop. I guess I don't really understand, she wanted me to stop drinking and I did. When I stopped I used any and all inspiration I could. The thought of never calling my little sister drunk again was a HUGE inspiration. At first I quit drinking to be better to my boyfriend and family, and so that I could remember what was going on when I was out socially... because I was worried I was acting poorly. I was worried what people were thinking. Now I still don't drink for that reason but mostly I don't drink because I need to be better to myself. That part is tricky. I'm finding I drank for a lot of reasons. Now I'm not drinking for a lot of reasons, ironically the reasons I started drinking in the first place. Full circle I guess. My sister probably had too much on her mind and wasn't being sensitive so I shouldn't feel angry with her for what seamed to be discounting my sobriety. Argh! I feel nuts. Thanks for listening. I think my feelings were just hurt and that use to be a big trigger. The lump in my throat really hurts. It's weird.
I got a major brush off. I'm realizing that I get rejected a lot by her. She is going through a lot right now. Her husband just finished 30 days AF after she had threatened to leave him. I care a lot for my brother in law and really feel for him. How could I not? Honestly, with others sobriety I have a lot of hopes I know anything is possible and on the flip side anything can happen. She didn't mock my sobriety, but said that I'm unusual. That most people don't just stop. I'm not sure why that made me feel angry with her. I had to just stop because I found all other options physically and mentally too hard. It was my way out. There was nothing easy about it at all, drinking would have made my attempt to be sober harder. It sounds so obvious but it's not when dealing with such a mind game that substance had on me. I'm not sure if this makes since. I was scared if I drank again I'd die so I had to stop. I guess I don't really understand, she wanted me to stop drinking and I did. When I stopped I used any and all inspiration I could. The thought of never calling my little sister drunk again was a HUGE inspiration. At first I quit drinking to be better to my boyfriend and family, and so that I could remember what was going on when I was out socially... because I was worried I was acting poorly. I was worried what people were thinking. Now I still don't drink for that reason but mostly I don't drink because I need to be better to myself. That part is tricky. I'm finding I drank for a lot of reasons. Now I'm not drinking for a lot of reasons, ironically the reasons I started drinking in the first place. Full circle I guess. My sister probably had too much on her mind and wasn't being sensitive so I shouldn't feel angry with her for what seamed to be discounting my sobriety. Argh! I feel nuts. Thanks for listening. I think my feelings were just hurt and that use to be a big trigger. The lump in my throat really hurts. It's weird.
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