What the hell is wrong with me!?!?!

[lil.michelle]

Not about drinking, still sober but I'm having such a low day and need someone to kick some sence into me.
Basically I'm missing a guy who mentally brutally abused me. He has no respect for me, treats me like shit you found on your shoe, hurts me, fucks in and out of my life when he pleases. He used to tell me he had knifed to his throat and stomach while I was preggies, is a low life with no job but gets drunk all the time. Urg. He wrote to me saying that we can't stay in touch anymore cause I don't give a shot about him or care... Which isn't true as I do (stupid I know) and he's fucked off.
Urg! I'm such a loser! I need to just walk away so I'm not abused anymore! Why is it so hard!?!?!

[Barbara1234]

What the hell is wrong with me!?!?!

Sounds to me like YOU don't think you deserve better for yourself. Is he the father?
It's hard because he's all you know. Until you work on your self esteem, his kind is all that you are going to attract. Work on your sobriety, then date some other guys. Once you find a guy that treats you right you will never look back.
You need some self respect, lil, and until you treat yourself right, don't expect anyone else to.
You attract what you put out there, so start with YOU. Don't let him back in. What is it going to take? Him beating the crap out of you? Every time you let him in, you lower your standards another notch. With each lowered notch, it is harder to build yourself back up. You need to surround yourself with people who respect you, but as I said you have to respect yourself first.
Don't wait 20 years like I did.
You have a lot on your plate right now, so take it slow, but make the changes. There are people here who can guide you. It's not easy, but if you really want to do it you can. Otherwise you will stay on the merry go round and wake up at 50 yrs. old asking the same questions.
BTW, he doesn't care about you. Someone who really cared about you would do everything in their power to protect you physically and mentally.

[lil.michelle]

What the hell is wrong with me!?!?!

No!! He's nothing but a 'friend', never has been anything more. I'm happily married to the most amazing man EVER who'd move mountains for me. Unfortunately, he was my best friend for 13 years maybe more. My hubby would kill him if he came anywhere near me after what he's done to me. He was the main trigger for me drinking and I've stayed clear of him for ages now and I'm 9+ months sober. I don't know why I'd want a friend like that. I know he's not a friend. Urg!

[Barbara1234]

What the hell is wrong with me!?!?!

So just walk away. What do you need him for?

[red67]

What the hell is wrong with me!?!?!

Oh my, what is it that draws you to this person? He sounds so abusive and you don't need someone in your life like that. Stopping alcohol is hard enough. You need people who will support you not drag you down. When I was younger I was so desparate for friends that I let anyone treat me like crap just to think I had friends. I don't really have friends right now because of my drinking for so long. But I know for sure that I will not let anyone abuse me now because 1. I deserve better and 2. It would probably lead me back to drinking because I would feel aweful about myself again.

Please think about your husband, and he sounds awesome, and your family and take of you.

[red67]

What the hell is wrong with me!?!?!

Oh and great job on 9 months sober!

[choice]

What the hell is wrong with me!?!?!

Good job on 9 months sober lil! I don't know why you'd want to have contact with this person. But I understand. I have a hard time letting go of bad relationships that are destructive to me. I'm not sure why but I think Barbara might be on to something about the self esteem. Your changing and overcoming adversity. I would advise to be kind to yourself and no madder how tempted you are to have contact with this person- resist. If he decides to do some work on himself and grows.... as you are there is always time in the future to revisit your relationship. For now, put yourself first. You deserve to feel proud of what your doing and don't let anyone rock your state of mind. :h

[hillsidetime]

What the hell is wrong with me!?!?!

lilM, sorry that you are having a down day. It is weird how our minds work. Sometimes we stay in love, with the idea of being in love. Or sometimes we love being in a relationship but we don't love the person in the relationship. Sometimes we miss a moment in an old relationship that was perfect, and that is what floats to the top of our memory often (regardless of the rest).

You are an awesome person, and you deserve to be happy. You deserve a safe life and relationship. It sounds like this guy may be a very good manipulator, selfish, not to mention a criminal for abusing you. I have never been mean to a woman in my life, and never will.

I hope you feel better soon,
Hill

[Lavande]

What the hell is wrong with me!?!?!

Michelle,

I have to agree with Sheri!
Surround yourself with people who love & support you.

Take care of yourself & keep moving forward ~ leaving the loser behind