Scared, depressed, had enough, and help

[Juja]

Hello all,

I've been lurking for awhile, and have finally decided to take the plunge and post, so I've met my first goal. I need help.

You all know the story: night after night of drinking, vowing to quit, going AF a few days, and then getting tripped up: pressure from others, stress, a reward, anger, etc. I was AF for 3 1/2 months, but wasn't strong enough to say no to a pleasant host. Since then, it's getting drunk every night, shame, anxiety, and depression in the a.m., disappointment and anger on my husband's face, and hating myself everyday. I've put on 10 lbs since last summer because I haven't been taking care of myself. Who wants to eat when there's drinking to be done?

In May, I formulated a plan, but failed after 3 days.

I don't feel strong enough to go to AA, as I live in a very small, rural, community, and can't bear the stares, so you are my last hope.

I'm not particularly spiritual, so don't feel compelled to call on a higher being, even though I do, at times. Anyone there? I don't know.

My post seems dry, and without feeling, but I'm simply at a loss, and can't find the words to express the hopelessness I feel. Can I do it? I really don't know.

I don't even know if I've posted this correctly.

Sure could use some love and support....

[Newgrange]

Scared, depressed, had enough, and help

Hi Juja. Well done on posting here. A huge step. Welcome
You will find tons of support and advice here so keep posting as often as you need.
Some planning goes a long way but works best with support.

Good luck.

Lots of love and support.

[Juja]

Scared, depressed, had enough, and help

My mood is not hopeful

I'm replying to my own post.

I don't know how to take off the smiley, and that makes me feel stupid.

[Newgrange]

Scared, depressed, had enough, and help

I am useless on computers so you are not alone on that one. Do not worry how things appear. We are all in the same boat here and understand. there is a toolbox on monthly ab section and it is very good to help in early stages. someone else here might show you the link.

[Juja]

Scared, depressed, had enough, and help

Thank you for responding, Newgrange.

I found the toolbox one time, but can't remember where it was. Maybe I'll mess around with the site tonight and find it, and see what else is available.

I know I need to order the My Way Out book. Doing that, or going for a walk, will be my next goal, but not tonight.

What happened to me? I didn't use to drink to excess? Oh, it's so frustrating and confusing.

[Mia]

Scared, depressed, had enough, and help

Good Morning Juja! I know where you are at. Just read your post and I have been where you are at the moment more times I care to remember! I cannot give alot of advice as I am new to being sober. My 17th day today. Go to the Toolbox here and read and read and post. You will receive love and support here!

With my drinking I just have had enough. I have pulled everything out of my being to say sober this time.

Stay strong xxxxxxx

[Habsfan]

Scared, depressed, had enough, and help

Hi Juja and a big welcome!
You know pretty much everyone on this site has a similar story. The big thing is, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! We've all been where you are, many of us several times. We all face the same struggle, the same frustrations, the withdrawal symptoms. It isn't pleasant but is it ever worth it!
So you made the right choice in joining. This is my second time here and the support has been wonderful, especially in the early days when you think 1 drink won't hurt. I did and the 1 drink brought me back here, a couple of years later, but here I am, going through the struggles all over again.
As tough as it may seem right now, it will get better. You made it 3 1/2 months before and you can do it again, and longer, if you decide you want to.
Check in often Juja, you're among friends. There is no judgement here, only support from people just like you!
Good for you for making one of the best choices in your life.
Remember the 10 most important 2 letter words in English - If it is to be, it is up to me
Habsfan Day 8 AF

[Juja]

Scared, depressed, had enough, and help

I am grateful for all the kind replies I have received. It appears I may have friends who understand and care.

I ordered the My Way Out book tonight. Tomorrow, I will walk the two miles I used to walk religiously. Where did that dedication go?

I am taking care of two elderly parents, one of whom is extremely difficult. My siblings have more or less bailed out on me, and the stress is killing me, which contributes to my over-imbibing in AL.

I've been depressed and anxious all of my life, and am on meds for those problems. The antidepressant turns off my "enough" switch for alcohol, but I can't go off the med because it works wonders for my GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). Consequently, I need to quit drinking, period.

That's some of my story.

So far, so good, tonight. I'll feel much better in the morning, I know.

Thanks again to all of you.

[Lavande]

Scared, depressed, had enough, and help

Hi Juja,

Welcome to MWO, this is a good place.
I'm sure lots of us felt like you, I know I sure did!
I had a lot of stress & anxiety ruling my life too but drinking just made it worse. I decided I had enough & jumped on board here & have never looked back

You can do it too with a strong commitment (learn to say No thank you), a good plan designed by you just for you & the MWO Hypno CDs. The CDs really helped me change my thinking about AL & learn to relax without AL.

Please feel free to drop in The Newbies Nest thread for more support.
Wishing you the best on your journey!

Lav

[DriftyAlison0]

Scared, depressed, had enough, and help

Admitting that you need help is the first step. The second step is to form a plan and a support system and then start the plan and we will help you on your journey. First do a 30 day af challenge and then after the 30 days to see if you are going to stay af or moderate your drinking (some people can mod and some can't). You know yourself and you know if you can mod or not. Don't be ashamed if you can't. A lot of the members that I see here can't mod and/or chose not to mod.

[Juja]

Scared, depressed, had enough, and help

Drifty,

30 days seems daunting. My first goal is 7 days.

I have numerous, upcoming events where I know my will be tested, and I'll weaken. It happens everytime. Mother-in-law says, "What, you're not going to have a glass of wine? Come on, have a glass. This chardonnay is really good. Well, I'm not drinking, if you're not! Just have one, it's okay. You don't have a problem!" She goes on and on; it's almost pathological, and I have always been too eager to please, and relent. I'm the one who loses, in numerous ways--feeling lousy from AL, furious with myself for not standing firm, ashamed of giving in due to low self-esteem.

Lavande,

You're so right. AL makes all problems worse, but it doesn't feel that way at the time, does it? I always want to get away from the angry thoughts and nagging brain that won't let me be. I need to learn to meditate, but I can't seem to sit still long enough.

[red67]

Scared, depressed, had enough, and help

Juja you can do it. I stay away from people, even family members and very close business associates who try to make me drink. You are the most important person when trying not to drink and if anyone tries to make you drink they either don't care about you or don't understand how hard it can be. Either way it doesn't matter, you have to take care of you first. My coworkers tried to get me to drink on Friday even though I have told them over and over again that I quit. They don't get it so I do not socialize with them. My nephews want to know when I am going to drink again because they can't comprehend that I quit forever. Even though they know how I drank everynight they think because I quit I can control it now.

You have to change your thinking and don't place yourself in situations that people try to get you to drink. When you get stronger you may find it easier to be around that but in the beginning it is too tempting.

Make your sobriety your number 1 priority and you will find how much better your life will be.

[Newgrange]

Scared, depressed, had enough, and help

Juga good morning! it sounds like you are doing some serious caring for others. Now this is your time for yourself. By saying No to alcohol you are saying Yes to yourself. It will take work and commitment. Sobriety is hard fought but worth the effort.

Thanks to Sheri for posting the links. I found something useful myself and that is the way it goes here. There is always someone to lend a helping hand and give useful advise.

Walking Juga is great for the soul and a good start. Make a plan and keep posting here. Emerging from the alcohol fogged up crazy negative cycle is quite a revelation!

Focus on yourself for a change.

[choice]

Scared, depressed, had enough, and help

Hi Juja,
I really relate to the peer pressure you mentioned from your mother in law. It can be tough especially when your starting out, because there is the temptation there anyway. It's hard to resist and it's hard to know what to say. It is amazing to me that simply saying "No thanks" isn't sufficient with adults. It is a perfectly good answer and you shouldn't have to explain further. Walk away, go to the bathroom, remove yourself from the room even if it's only 5 min. No one can force you to drink anything. People will drop it once they get use to the idea that you no longer drink. It really is tough in the beginning for ones who are use to you drinking to "get it" as if those early days aren't enough.... Good job on the 3 + months! you know you can do it. I think that is fantastic!
Best, Choice

[lil.michelle]

Scared, depressed, had enough, and help

Oh hunni *huge hugs* we're all either in the same boat or have got rowing time under our belts. You've come to the right place. If I can do it, you can! My advice to you is to change your routine, keep busy! Stay aways from your triggers whether it's a shop that sells al or a pub or friends that drink, get rid of ALL the Al in your house, drink plenty of water and no matter WHAT... Do not listen to the voices in your head that say.. I can moderate now. I'm cured... Just one drink.. I've been good so I'll reward myself with a drink, I'm sad, happy, low, sick tired so I'll have a drink.. It's hard! It's bloody hard but omg after a while the cravings go, the voices die down (but never leave) and it does get easier. You just need to get through the first 30 days. Remember, every time you drink, all your efforts go down the drain and is quite literally back to square one!
Good luck! Stay close to us! Use thissite to laugh, cry, rant, praise yourself.. You name it!
One day at a time.... You'll get there! Pm me anytime!
All my love
Ellexx