Sorting through some old files on my laptop I came across something I wrote 3 years ago when I thought my drinking was bad, I wish I'd been strong enough to ask for help then instead of letting myself get out of control and denying I was as bad as I was. It was so hard for me to read but I'll post it anyway for what it is, I'm going to post it as it's typed so the spelling will be awful..
OK I've had a drink tonight but I'm not paraletic, thats a good start eh
Ok I'm fed up of me being like this, I hate it and i hate being like this for him and the kids... wjy can't I be normal, wjy can't I just have a couple of drinks andf that will be it why do I have to drink to excess? I think it's heredity too many of my family hjave been heavy drinkers, and have die through alocohol abuse, today for me it has to stop....
From here now on I don't know what Il'l do (at this momenmt my wine glass is filled with Vodka, all I know is That'll I drink it and fill it again before bed, tomorrow ,lok at the asspellingf mistakes and you'll see why yiu are typing this,, baby it has to styop, too many years you have been juggling between teachers and parents what you are and this is it this is the bottom line ?You need help you know you do, the kids know what you are like and if you don't know now what you are then you are no good to your babies...it wil be hardm, you know it will but lokkwhat you have writtwen look what you wrote for M and D, you know what Imean all the stuff they went through and came out the otherside especially D, don't let it go to waste
Ok now you have filled your glass with vodka again ( yes yu did ) and also you wanted to get a stanley knife and cut your skin oh yes you did Lee once again you did, why did you not do this before writwe this bvlog I don't know why I didn't do this but now perhaps it's time to cvlaer our the bad,
Maybe you could set this up as some p;ace to let people post how thwey feel.
Well he has come down to ask you to come to bed so now you need to go up aparantly sober which he'll never believe and it will be the first jgiht in weels before 1am and not in a state of denail and comatose
I hate myeslf but I need to change
Mt aim is to find a site to help with others
tonight I shocked myself I wrote this I wrote evertything I know is wrong in my heart
04/11/08
ok that date should be 04/09/08
This is going to be so painfull to read and write when I'm sober, but I know I have to do this.
So I woke up this morning, I don't remember goingto bed, but I remember putting my mp3 on, I always put it on when I'm hammered for some reason. I remember him asking me if I was wearing it whilst we had sex? I don't remember having sex, see thats how bad I was.
So I got up this morning and realised I'd had sex with him (why the hell would he want to do that with someone who doesn't remember it the next day?) anyway breakfast was my left over wine and then I snuck his left over wine with my toast. I took the kids to school, spoke to their teachers, as usual thye couldn't tell. Lets just say uip at theat school the parents don't worry about telling you home truths, why would they I turn up neatly dressed always with make up on, I look better than the sober Moms, anyway then I cam hone poured a vodka and read tis blog then checked the sites I went last night, lickily I only go to selected ones and once again checked what I wrote, I'd die if anyone realised my problem, sure a few posts can be a bit iffy, those are the ones I don't reme,ber typing or going to, I know I wasn't too hammered because I cleared my history, now I need more vodka..... I hate being like this UI hate having to drink, usually I never drink in the mornig like this but today... usually I don't,drink all day and wait until everything is done until I have my first wine or vodka, you know the kids are fed homework is done, then I'll have one at their bedtime.... or just before, the once they are in bed that one becomes two or three then I go on till I'm gone, but I always hear them if they wakle. I'm reading a book at the moment and one of the characters is like t his seemingly sober on the outside but once everything is done then wham.
Now I'm on my second vodka of the day and I'm asking myself why? Why because when he comes home I'll have to act sober and hise the vodka bottle then I'll have to go out and buy more vodka to replace the vodka I've drunk.
I hate myself, at least him coming dowen last night meant I didn't cut myself, when I do that I have to be concious eough to hide my wounds for weeks until they heal and fade,
Ok I was about to go for my thiord vodka it's 11.10am if you are intersted, when my youngest said Mummy come here I want this for christmas, so I wentthrougfhexpecfing to see some tioyadvwrtised on the tv, but no it wasn't it was an ad for a dogs home and she wanted thedoggy that had been abandoned, How can I have gi ven birht toa child as wonderfulas her, most chikldren would want the newest fanciestr toy but my lttle girlwanted to make sure that that little do would have a good home
I can't believe how better my life is now, without AL in my life, just reading it again makes me determined I'm not going to be that person again, hopefully it may help someone who is struggling
OK I've had a drink tonight but I'm not paraletic, thats a good start eh
Ok I'm fed up of me being like this, I hate it and i hate being like this for him and the kids... wjy can't I be normal, wjy can't I just have a couple of drinks andf that will be it why do I have to drink to excess? I think it's heredity too many of my family hjave been heavy drinkers, and have die through alocohol abuse, today for me it has to stop....
From here now on I don't know what Il'l do (at this momenmt my wine glass is filled with Vodka, all I know is That'll I drink it and fill it again before bed, tomorrow ,lok at the asspellingf mistakes and you'll see why yiu are typing this,, baby it has to styop, too many years you have been juggling between teachers and parents what you are and this is it this is the bottom line ?You need help you know you do, the kids know what you are like and if you don't know now what you are then you are no good to your babies...it wil be hardm, you know it will but lokkwhat you have writtwen look what you wrote for M and D, you know what Imean all the stuff they went through and came out the otherside especially D, don't let it go to waste
Ok now you have filled your glass with vodka again ( yes yu did ) and also you wanted to get a stanley knife and cut your skin oh yes you did Lee once again you did, why did you not do this before writwe this bvlog I don't know why I didn't do this but now perhaps it's time to cvlaer our the bad,
Maybe you could set this up as some p;ace to let people post how thwey feel.
Well he has come down to ask you to come to bed so now you need to go up aparantly sober which he'll never believe and it will be the first jgiht in weels before 1am and not in a state of denail and comatose
I hate myeslf but I need to change
Mt aim is to find a site to help with others
tonight I shocked myself I wrote this I wrote evertything I know is wrong in my heart
04/11/08
ok that date should be 04/09/08
This is going to be so painfull to read and write when I'm sober, but I know I have to do this.
So I woke up this morning, I don't remember goingto bed, but I remember putting my mp3 on, I always put it on when I'm hammered for some reason. I remember him asking me if I was wearing it whilst we had sex? I don't remember having sex, see thats how bad I was.
So I got up this morning and realised I'd had sex with him (why the hell would he want to do that with someone who doesn't remember it the next day?) anyway breakfast was my left over wine and then I snuck his left over wine with my toast. I took the kids to school, spoke to their teachers, as usual thye couldn't tell. Lets just say uip at theat school the parents don't worry about telling you home truths, why would they I turn up neatly dressed always with make up on, I look better than the sober Moms, anyway then I cam hone poured a vodka and read tis blog then checked the sites I went last night, lickily I only go to selected ones and once again checked what I wrote, I'd die if anyone realised my problem, sure a few posts can be a bit iffy, those are the ones I don't reme,ber typing or going to, I know I wasn't too hammered because I cleared my history, now I need more vodka..... I hate being like this UI hate having to drink, usually I never drink in the mornig like this but today... usually I don't,drink all day and wait until everything is done until I have my first wine or vodka, you know the kids are fed homework is done, then I'll have one at their bedtime.... or just before, the once they are in bed that one becomes two or three then I go on till I'm gone, but I always hear them if they wakle. I'm reading a book at the moment and one of the characters is like t his seemingly sober on the outside but once everything is done then wham.
Now I'm on my second vodka of the day and I'm asking myself why? Why because when he comes home I'll have to act sober and hise the vodka bottle then I'll have to go out and buy more vodka to replace the vodka I've drunk.
I hate myself, at least him coming dowen last night meant I didn't cut myself, when I do that I have to be concious eough to hide my wounds for weeks until they heal and fade,
Ok I was about to go for my thiord vodka it's 11.10am if you are intersted, when my youngest said Mummy come here I want this for christmas, so I wentthrougfhexpecfing to see some tioyadvwrtised on the tv, but no it wasn't it was an ad for a dogs home and she wanted thedoggy that had been abandoned, How can I have gi ven birht toa child as wonderfulas her, most chikldren would want the newest fanciestr toy but my lttle girlwanted to make sure that that little do would have a good home
I can't believe how better my life is now, without AL in my life, just reading it again makes me determined I'm not going to be that person again, hopefully it may help someone who is struggling
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