first time here

[HOPE2207]

Hi everyone,

I am hoping for some support. I have been heavily drinking most nights of the week for about 6 months now. Lately, almost every time I drink I blackout and wake up ashamed wondering who I called and what I said. I had been thinking that if I cut down to just 2 or 3 nights of drinking a week it would get better, and in some ways it does, but before I know it I am right back at drinking 7 days a week. To make matters worse, in the last month friends and family have mentioned to me that they think I have a problem and so whenever we are together instead of enjoying myself I am embarrased and wondering what things I said to them when I am drunk. I have two children who deserve so much better than a mother who puts them to bed and then drinks a bottle of wine. Instead of being happy to see them in the morning I am cranky and irritable with them and try to make up excuses to avoid playing with them. I got put on Zoloft a few months ago and that has me feeling better but has not helped the drinking as I had hoped. I know that part of the issue is that by 5 or 6 o'clock I am so anxious (i assume in part because the alcohol from the night before is leaving my system), so to kill the anxiety I start drinking again even when I've promised myself all day that I won't. Sooo, I did not drink last nite and can't say I feel much better today but right now I feel commited to not drinking tonite either (or for quite awhile really) but I am so afraid because I always feel so committed in the morning but then for some reason don't follow through. And i know this will be a hard time to start w/the holidays and guests and all (wine is a big thing in my family but i am the only one we gets drunk). Please give me some advice on how to stick with it. I am so ready to be happy again and to be the wonderful mother I know I was before all of this started. Sorry this is so long I tried to keep it as short as possible but I haven't ever spoken to any one about how I really feel.

Thanks so much.

[Accountable for Me]

first time here

Welcome Hope 2207!

You have come to the right place for support and advice! Welcome, welcome, welcome!

There are many of us mommies out there in the exact place you are in. I suggest you read through the threads and see you are not alone in this fight!

I am relatively new here too and found this place a source of strength for me. I was drinking myself to the black out stage every night and weekend, and have awoken wondering what I have said, who I called, and completely embarrassed myself countless times!

Also, on another note: I too have been on anti-depressants a few times myself and found they didn't help with the drinking either. My doctor once said to me that taking an anti-depressant while drinking really counter acts the effects of the drug. In other words they don't work very well as the alcohol depresses while the drug tries to anti-depress. There are other things to help you with the alcohol cravings as posted in this forums.

Just know you are not alone here. Please keep posting and reading. I have found this place VALUABLE over the past couple of weeks.

Welcome aboard!:welcome:

[HOPE2207]

first time here

thanks!

I recieved a private message but was unable to reply because it says you need five posts to reply to a private message, so i'm posting it here in hopes the sender will fiind it

Hi ,

Thank you so much for replying. I think the worst part of this is to be going through it as a Mother, knowing that you are failing at the most important thing in your life. My boys are 3 and 4 and somehow despite me they are very happy children, and overall the house has a cheery air but it is mostly fake on my part. I am a single mother which i think has contributed to all of this - there is no one here in the evenings to see ow much I am drinking and of course when the boys go to their dad's I can just sit home by myself and get drunk instead of getting the laundry done and the lawn mowed. How old are your children? Are you married? Do you find that by day 4 or 5 you are feeling better? Is it safe to take the kudzu w/an antidepressant? And you find the kudzu helps with the desire to drink?

Your e-mail has brought tears to my eyes, like I say for me the worst part is the guilt about what this is doing to my children, so thank you so very much for your candor.

BTW, do you give excuses to people for not drinking? I don't want to say I have a problem to everyone (although I'm sure they already know), but of course people notice when I don't have a glass of wine because I always do.

Again, thanks so much, I am already so happy that I have reached out for help!

Rachel

[weemelonhead]

first time here

Hi Hope (and morning Accountable too!! Good to hear that the site is helping...good point about the Anti-D's..I too have been on and off them my entire adult life thinking that they could help with the problem, instead of being able to cope with, what I now know to be the real cause of all the lows and highs, the Alcohol!....)
Hope, Accountable is soooo right, I am another mom who has spent all her days since her girlie was born (18 years ago) pretty much drunk/hungover/then sober, sometimes even for a day or two swearing that it will NEVER happen again.....only to lose all resolution and crash and burn, again, and again, and again........
I am a newie on this site and am now 6 days AF, but for me, 6 days is an infinity. Especially when those 6 days have been less stressful (not easy, but definitely less stressful) than ANY other time I tried to stop. This is something you will hear time and time again, but believe me..it is the truth, the people here are wonderful...I know without a doubt, that my abstinence is solely due to the support I have had from the guys here, the realisation that I really am not alone....(just read the my story forums and the daily threads) and the fantastic advice about supplements, meds and techniques others have used to ease the cravings and delay THAT moment, for long enough for it to transform into another day sober. Stick with MWO and the amazing, warm, generous, thoughtful and loving peeps that visit everyday, and I hope that you find, as I did, and many others here, THAT spark, that reason to to keep going with a healthy life (and subsequently much healthier mind)....keep posting Missus, ....Nice to meet you The melon

[Accountable for Me]

first time here

Hello Again

Hope,

I am a mother of an 19 mos old daughter. I am in my 30's, and I am common-lawed married. I have been drinking since I was 16, though heavily since 2001. I did stay sober throughout my pregnancy, but as soon as my daughter was born, I started drinking again the day I brought her home from the hospital. Sad eh? I have pretty much drank every day until about 12? days ago when I found this site.

Although, I am not a single mom, I pretty much am, if you know what I mean. My husband is here, but isn't much help. I do everything in the child rearing area. He is starting to get it, so I guess I should be thankful somewhat. But only when I nag the crap out of him. The thing, however, is he decided to quit drinking with me, which I am grateful for. Maybe that is why he is helping out a bit with our daughter.

I, too have felt great guilt about being a mother and drinking all of the time. During the day, with my not working at the present, I have found myself going to the liquor store and grabbing a bottle just to escape. No one know I did that except my husband, but seeing he is an alchy too, he would just join in after he got home from work.

I have spent most of my mornings cranky and irritable, with virtually NO energy for my toddler. Who is also, a very happy child with no clue what is happening around her. I would take care of her essential needs, but I wasn't too overly involved with her. I decided that she needs more of me now than what I was giving her.

The cravings for me - hit on day 3. I have tried and tried so many times to get sober but day 3 was the day when most of my withdrawal symptoms were gone, and I was feeling good - so I went back to the drinking. This ride has been a tough one - a real tough one. I keep coming here and feel so inspired to take it "One day at a Time". It really has helped me - really! I think the last time I have made it sober this long was when I had to - during pregnancy.

I am not on the supplements as suggested in these threads. I have read the book, however, and it really puts things into perspective. I am taking lots of Vitamin B (6 & 12), Omega 3,6,9 caplets, Folic Acid (Vitamin B9), and drinking scrupulous amounts of water. I also take a low-dose aspirin as well. My family has a history of heart disease and I have severely abused my body with the alcohol and smoking binges.

Keep posting and asking questions, or post and vent. You will find great support and comfort here. Keep up the good work! :l

[Accountable for Me]

first time here

Oh... and another thing...

Please don't feel like you are failing as a mother. I personally didn't feel like I was failing as a mother! I am sure you are a great mom to your boys. Just because we drink doesn't mean we are bad mothers.

Just think of your getting sober as the greatest gift to yourself. Being sober will allow for you to feel well. After that everything will fall into place. You will have more energy for your boys and also for the things in life you may want to do.

Sober = Better Quality of Life FOR You.

Deciding to make a change and recognizing you have a problem is HUGE! Guilt and Shame drive us back to the dark depths of the bottle. Telling yourself you are WORTHY of having a life full of healthy and love is a good place to start!

I hope I have helped. Feel free to PM me anytime if you need to chat as well. :l

[HOPE2207]

first time here

Hi accountable and melon!

Congratulations to both of you on the days of your sobriety! Six or twelve days sounds almost impossible to me right now but I guess like you say just take it one day at a time with this crazy beast. You have both really inspired me to keep trying as I too have failed so many times.

Thank you so much for the kind words. I guess it can be hard not to feel like a bad mother sometimes, because in honestly i snap at them sometimes for little things or promise I will come play with them "in just one minute" and then never do. And part of the reason is that with all the drinking I've been doing I have to do all the housework during their waking hours because when they are asleep I am either sleeping or drunk.

I am going to start working more exercise into my routine because i have found that even walking the dog for 20 miinutes makes me feel better and reduces my anxiety. Tonight I **should** be OK because the boys and I have a holiday party to attend, and it's a kids party so there won't be any alcohol. So as long as I don't cave and stop at the store on the way home I should have two days under my belt by tomorrow. So hold me accountable tomorrow!!

I will keep reading other threads too but I am loving the frankness and honestly of the stories of every one here. I guess I knew I must not be the only mother doing this but it feels good to be talking to others that are in my position. It can just be so hard to hopeful when i've failed so many times.

Any opinions on going to a counselor? Has anyone tried that and did it help?

THanks again, I really need this too!

[betty boop]

first time here

Hi Rachel,

You sound soooo much like me........

I'm also a mum, to a nine year old, I was drinking every night, and most of them I couldn't remember going to bed, and then you wake up with really bad anxiety (until your next drink...) My last 'binge' was 4 weeks ago tomorrow, and the following day I found this site and have never looked back, I'm going for moderation rather than abstinence but as I drink with my husband i've asked him to go to the shop instead of me because I might buy extra.......

It's not easy but you CAN do it.

Take care, Paula xx

[HOPE2207]

first time here

Hi Paula,

It is good to hear from you. Did you have a period were you stopped drinking altogether? I know that I need that but am of course hoping that some day I will get back to where I can enjoy a glass of wine or two and not wish for more. That sounds unrealistic to me right now but it sure would be nice. I'm not sure why or exactly when I went from being a moderated drinker to the heavy, everyday drinking I became and I'm further unsure I can ever go back. That said I would love to hear more about your experiences, and what the past four weeks have been like. Congratulations to you on taking such a big step, it sounds that you are doing great and I wish you the best of luck!

THanks again,
Rachel

[betty boop]

first time here

Hi Rachel.

If i'm honest then it's only because my husband has been so supportive that I have managed to do it. I send HIM to the shop instead of me because he only buys a limited amount (if it's in the house I will drink it). If like you I was on my own I think I would just buy one bottle and then decide not to open it till the children were in bed. I've made a list which lives on my fridge, it has reasons why I want a drink & reasons not to, the reasons not to is far far bigger.

Please just do your best, you can beat this.

Keep in touch, love Paula xx :l :h :l