a comflicted wino

[conflicted]

Hello everyone. I've been lurking on here for a while and I figure it's about time to try to make some progress for myself. I am a stay at home mom, a wife, and a serious functional alcoholic. I drink at least a 1.5 liter bottle of wine every night. I've been doing this for about six years. I always liked to drink, but the hard drinking kicked in after I went through something terribly tragic. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety but no medication that I have ever been given has helped. My panic attacks are pretty severe and I feel like drinking is the only thing that calms me down. I wait until the kids winding down for bed before I start drinking, and I polish the bottle off just in time to pass out around 11. I never thought that my drinking was a problem until the physical repucussions started kicking in. I've recently started to feel sick to my stomach by noon and my hands tremble until I have my first glass of wine in the evening. It makes me consider drinking earlier, but I refuse to do that with my kids around .. so I spend most of my day feeling sick. I just want to get myself out of this mess, but I am scared. I am scared of withdrawal, my anxiety, panic attacks, everything. I am afraid that the sober version of me will be much worse of a mother than the drinking version of me. I can't imagine how my brain will react with no relief from the feelings I manage to hide during my kids waking hours. Ugh. I hope I can find my way like so many of you guys have. I am afraid. :upset:

[MissHazel]

a comflicted wino

Welcome Conflicted. First and foremost I am so sorry you went through something tragic. It is great you decided to post because there are lots of supportive people here to listen!
I am a Mother myself and have suffered from drinking too much for a long time (beer is my preference...but I can drink alot of it!)
Scared is the worst..I have had many panic attacks and the good news is they go away eventually.
All I can tell you is that I will be 30 days sober on Wednesday of next week and I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER EVERY SINGLE DAY!!
I bet you are alot more than a "conflicted wino". I bet you are a wonderful Mother and lots of other things...
MissHazel

[SPUNKY]

a comflicted wino

Hi conflicted! Wow your avitar reminds me a lot of me and how I've been feeling. This is a tough road but I'm choosing it because the alternative is so much uglier. For me the anxiety was this worst! It's the scariest thing that ever happened to me, but it does get better. Just take it one moment at a time and be strong. It's worth it. Keep checking in, it helps a lot!

[Change]

a comflicted wino

conflicted;1143371 wrote: I am afraid that the sober version of me will be much worse of a mother than the drinking version of me. I can't imagine how my brain will react with no relief from the feelings I manage to hide during my kids waking hours. Ugh. I hope I can find my way like so many of you guys have. I am afraid. :upset:

Just do what i've done and make a pact with yourself not to drink for 5-6 days, purely to "see how you feel". It's like an experiment. Don't put any pressure on yourself, just try the experiment.

[PlaceSeeker]

a comflicted wino

Conflicted, there are many things you can try. Just remember we've all been where you are and there is a way out. Alcohol gave me horrible anxiety and sleeplessness, hangovers every day. I didn't have withdrawals, but my life was a mess. I tried to moderate for a long time but couldn't keep from drinking more than I wanted.

A lot of people here recommend lots of water with lemon, the right food, supplements, the MWO book and CDs. There's always the doctor route, if you can be comfortable asking for help. Many are having success with medications (see front page).

Do you have anyone who could help you? Please feel free to PM me if you just need to "talk".......wine was my downfall too. I've been able to get longer and longer periods of not drinking and although I'm not very far down the road, I'm willing to help any way I can.

If you can read a lot about addiction, I think that helps. There's tons of stuff on the internet - maybe you could research ............

Remember that alcohol causes depression and anxiety. For me anyway........Please keep posting and others with long-term sobriety will be along to help.

PS

[Jordan]

a comflicted wino

Conflicted, I can totally relate. I started out like you, started drinking as the kids were getting ready for bed, but it started getting earlier and earlier until it was out of control. (it was already out of control--it just got worse)

I didn't have withdrawal, but I eat really well, and keep very hydrated, not sure if that has anything to do with it, but I've suffered from depression and wine was just what I needed. I'm 30 days AF and feel 100% better than I did when I was drinking and trying to hide it. I wondered how I'd get through the days, and niow find it's easy not worrying about the next drink, hiding bottles etc. My mood has been much better too.

Hang in there, be strong--you can do it!

[rebirth]

a comflicted wino

Hi conflicted. I drank and felt EXACTLY like you just over a year ago. The daily drinking, the shakes, the panic attacks.I had them too. I can promise you that the alcohol intensifies your insecurities and is not helping you in anyway. I stopped drinking for five months and have been successfully moderating my drinking since then. It's possible.Just take it one day at a time. x

[conflicted]

a comflicted wino

Thank you all so much for the encouragement. Last night, after writing, I didn't drink anymore. It was so hard! I drank half of what I usually do, and I could not fall asleep. I just layed in bed with my two year old while my mind ran in circles. It was terrible. I can't believe I have let myself get to this point. I keep trying to figure out what to do with myself. I am tempted to go to a doctor, but I am scared of that too. My husband doesn't even think that my drinking is problematic. No one does. It makes it really hard to ask for help. I have never hidden it from anyone - everyone knows i love to drink wine. I just never get out of control or anything. I am a "good drunk" i guess. When one of my children died in an accident, I think I earned the right to do this to myself in my eyes and everyone else around me, but now my body is so upset with me. I feel so sick. I am afraid that this is going to take me away from my living children and I just don't know where to begin. I want to say that I will try not to drink tonight, but I know that I will. My stomach is in knots and my anxiety level is through the roof. I wish I thought that medication would help me, but it never has before. I need some will power. I hope I can find it before it's too late.

[Lavande]

a comflicted wino

conflicted,

Will power is a wonderful thing but to ensure success you want to arm yourself with a good solid plan. Look in the https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html for good ideas! Read the MWO book, get yourself on some supplemements & good healthy food. Rx meds cause me problems & never lessened my desirte to drink.

I am very sorry for your loss. My nephew died several years ago in an accident, I know how hard it was on me but especially his family. We all know that drinking won't change what happened, only leaves you sick & desperate.

Work up a good plan for yourself. You have a good start already, build on that.
You can do this, we're here to support you.

Wishing you the best!

Lav

[PlaceSeeker]

a comflicted wino

Conflicted, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your child. They say that is the very hardest trauma to deal with..........I've never done any of the medication, but a lot of people here have had good results with the Balcofen. If you're not ready to discuss your issue with anyone, couldn't you see a doctor privately? No one has to know (at least at first) why you're going. Did you get counseling to help you deal with your grief? I know that underlying problems are usually at the crux of why we drink too much.

Just want you to know that we are here to listen.:l

[conflicted]

a comflicted wino

Well, I finally caved in and went to our family doctor yesterday. I was completely honest with him and I expected him to be hard on me, but he wasn't. He went to far as to thank me for coming to him and refused to let me pay for the visit. He prescribed me .5 klonopin 3 times a day (and more as needed when I have panic attacks) along with pristiq to help with the depression. Hopefully this will help. If I make it through the night, today will be day three AF. The klonopin is helping a lot with the shakes and anxiety. I haven't been able to have a good nights sleep yet, but I hope that will follow. I don't know if what he gave me will work, but I am keeping my fingers crossed. Opening up to our doctor was really hard, but I am glad that I did it. Searching for willpower because it's only 11:47 am and I am already struggling with the idea of going another night without wine.

[Snapdragon]

a comflicted wino

Hi Conflicted - I've just joined the thread in 'Just Starting Out' called Conquering Day 1 - posted by Enough - it's really inspiring and everyone is checking in regularly and offering support. Why not join too and we can all help each other. Snap

[Kimberley]

a comflicted wino

Conflicted, well done you're one brave lady. I can relate as I suffered anxiety and panic attacks for years. And I guess your conflicted feeling pertains to the fact that alcohol is like an anti-anxiety med to you. I was agoraphobic and drank sips all day every day just to get myself out of the house, I knew what I was doing, I never denied it to myself. I didn't want to stop.

BUT what started as my own personal medication eventually started killing me - I was hitting it harder and harder I was given a year and half to live if I didn't stop drinking and that was only when I was about 24.

Eventually I was mostly cured of my anxiety but since then have struggled to stay off my self-medication because I made myself addicted. I wish I had tried to find a way other than alcohol sooner! Trust me, you're doing the right thing consulting your doc. You're doing really well! Give yourself a big pat on the back and if you're feeling wobbly, post and read here and ask for help if you need it. You've already taken a big step.

K x

[leaveinsilence]

a comflicted wino

Conflicted I just wanted to say hi and assure you that you have our support:l I'm sorry that you have been through something so tragic I can't even begin to think how that must be.

For me admitting everything to my doctor was the hardest part after admitting it completely to myself (so you've done the difficult bit now) hopefully the meds will work, I know my AD's are prescribed for panic attacks so hopefully yours will help with that side of things, they take a while to work so you have to stick with it but eventually they do make a difference I know without mine I'd be worse than I was this time last year.

You are at day 3AF and thats great the next couple of days will be difficult as this is the point your body is letting go of the last of the alcohol in your system, but you can ride through it, stay close to MWO, surf the internet, go in the chat room, go to bed early with you little ones.

I used L glutamine at the beginning, you can buy it from the health shop and your Doctor can tell you if it is okay to take with your meds, mine was happy to let me use it with what I'm taking..

Stay strong, take it easy and believe in yourself