Conquoring day 1!!! Who's beating this with me?

[mby82266]

Conquoring day 1!!! Who's beating this with me?

I am the worst kind of liar. It bad enough I lie to my doctor, family, friends, coworkers, my husband and children. I lie to myself. I tell myself I got this. I am not a drunk. I can stop any time I want. Then I don't. I hide the bottles in the trash. If I was not lying why do I hide it. Every day I tell myself I will not drink today then some how I convince my self that its really not that bad and I can control it next thing I know I have had a few and the when I am feeling buzzed I just have a few more. Then I am waking up with cotton mouth and a head ache telling myself I am not going to drink today. It never works. I have not had a completely sober day in over 4 months. I stopped checking in because I was failing so miserably. Tonight I am awake a sort of sober at midnight wishing yet again that I did not drink. So I am back to try again. Step 1. I dumped all my bottles down the toilet. I went through the house and collected all the hidden bottles and dumped them too. I have to try, I feel like everyday I drink I am slowly killing myself and I want to live.

[Turnagain]

Conquoring day 1!!! Who's beating this with me?

I'm glad you're back mby!

I feel for you. So many of us have been where you are now. You are not a bad person or a liar. You are addicted. The good news is....you want out and there is a way to do that.

Get your supplements going again...and let's get you tracking to get your life back. There's a great group in the newbies nest....I hope you can post there, too.

You've taken a really big step. We're here cheering you on for your next step!

[shueaddict]

Conquoring day 1!!! Who's beating this with me?

Mby – you have been here before, you know the drill, not many of us were able to kick this in the first try.

Last week I was in your place – again – lying to my husband, to my co-workers, to myself mostly – waking up at night praying to God to give me the strength to quit, having paranoid thoughts that I was going to wake up in the morning and find myself all yellow (like one of my colleagues who died of cirrhosis). Come evening time I would lie to myself that that was just high talk, I am Ok and start drinking again, in hiding from hubby, hating it all the way.

I am here for you , post or PM me.
Big hug

[shueaddict]

Conquoring day 1!!! Who's beating this with me?

Gingersnap, how are you? how was Valentine's ?

[gingersnap]

Conquoring day 1!!! Who's beating this with me?

MBY - your post I could have written. When I look at what AL has done to me - I have become someone I don't even know. It is like there are 2 of me....me #1 is kind, caring, works hard, is responsible, does all the expected things a wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, friend does, has a strong faith. Then me #2 is a fraud. I waltz around at night thinking no one knows I'm drinking. I use glasses that you can't see thru, hide the bottle before anyone gets home. In the morning pack up the bottle/bottles and take them to the trash container at the car wash.....I forget things I've talked about with people. One of my worst blunders a few months ago...a friend called me on a Fri evening and wanted to meet for breakfast - I said sure.....next morning about 10 she calls me and wonders what happened to me......I did not remember telling her I would meet her. Of course, I blundered my way out of it....sorry, I should say I lied my way out. I am tired of being 2 people.

Shue, pinecone and everyone thank you so much for your encouragement. I know I can do this. Today is DAY 1.

[shueaddict]

Conquoring day 1!!! Who's beating this with me?

Gingersnap ... tell us a bit more about you ...

Please make sure that you get supplements - I'll try to dig out the link for you ... but they are a wondeful help. First time I tried cold turkey I truly struggled . The ladies who took supplements had it easier.

From memory:
LGlutamine - for cravings and overall balance
GABA - mood regulator
Milk thisle - liver recovery
Multivitamin

Now go get some sleep and wake up with renewed hope in the new day

[Irie]

Conquoring day 1!!! Who's beating this with me?

MBY and Ginger, I'm so glad you are posting. I completely relate to what you both are saying. I've been trying on a daily basis for a couple of years to quit drinking. I certainly relate to the lying to ourselves aspect. How is it even possible to function when we promise ourselves every single morning that we are going to stop drinking as of that day and by late afternoon have found some way to renegotiate and set some kind of new goal that lets us off the hook for that evening, but of course includes a brand new sparking plan to quit the next morning, or the next Monday, or whatever?

Two things have struck me during the last year that I have spent on this board. The first is how similar we all are. Without a doubt reading posts from virtual strangers who are telling my story, expressing my very same struggles, deepest regrets and deep determination to get out from under this monster has been life changing.

But the other thing is that until very recently I felt like somehow I was different from everyone else because it was just a little harder for me. I would watch people rack up day 1, day 3, a week, a month, 90 days or a year, and I would think that somehow they were different from me because I knew I wanted to be AF every bit as much as they did, I knew I was trying every bit as hard as they were, but I just could not do it.

This morning I am waking up to day 10 AF. I don't know what is different this time. All I know is that it's finally clicked for me. Something has clicked, and while it's not easy, it's doable. Very doable. And it wasn't before.

I'm so thankful that I didn't give up before it finally all came together for me. Don't give up. Keep posting, keep fighting, keep setting those goals even when it starts to feel ridiculous and futile to try one more time.

One more thing (sorry, this is turning into a bit of a rant). I know it probably seems ridiculous that here on this very new, very fragile day 10 I'm posting as if I will never fall off the wagon, as if I've finally won this battle. All I can say is that I have. Something is very different for me right now. I know that I don't drink the same way that I know I brush my teeth in the morning. It's not something I renegotiate or really have to think about. It just is.

I am profoundly grateful to finally have peace about this. I don't think I ever really fully believed that it would happen, but it has, and I think every day that I struggled to get to this point was a necessary piece of the puzzle.

[shueaddict]

Conquoring day 1!!! Who's beating this with me?

Irie, what a great post !!!!

Even though it is only my day3 I also feel things clicking - not feeling that I am missing out for not being able to join in the drinking "fun", not worrying about social engagements (and I have a weekload of them). It is all a process, I have been deralied before by some of these things but I also conquered many situations.

The biggest change is acceptance. Accepting that I can't drink and being OK with it. It took a while to get here and it is no longer such a scary and unattainable prospect.

Never say never though, I am sure I still have more hurdles to get through.

[gingerspice]

Conquoring day 1!!! Who's beating this with me?

Hi what a lovely lot of people on the post.
mby i used to hide all bottles,and wine boxes in my car and dispose of them out of the house so i thought nobody would know . I would drink my wine out of a coffee cup to pretend what it was. However i couldnt hide the way it changed my charactor or the fact that i slurred and stumbled about.I got to the point of thinking that i would never be able to kick it, but im on day 9 now so i hope i can.I very nearly bought a bottle of wine at the supermarket tonight ,but managed to escape with some sickly danish pastries (guessed a sugar rush might help).
Hi Irie i hope that i have also come to point of self realisation of the fact that i can not drink, but i do not want to get complacent that i will ever really lose the taste for wine given a chance.
Hi Ginger your story is so deja vous the only thing that with me i spent most of the time only at home with my girls as my husband works nights.

well another day AF not quite so easy but i suppose it is going to take time.

Take care and lets not be too hard on ourselves., we are works in progress x

[gingersnap]

Conquoring day 1!!! Who's beating this with me?

Shue, you ask me to share a bit about myself. I have 4 grown children, 6 grandchildren, am married and work full time. I have some wonderful friends and many blessings.....however, life has had many ups and downs for me....I have 2 adult sons that are alcoholics. I did not drink heavily until about 10 yrs ago. I spent most of my adult life on the other side....my son's father drank himself to death at the age of 49. My youngest son who is 36 has heart issues and on disability. My middle son is an alcoholic....my sister and husband had a sexting thing going on for a year before I found out about it, this past summer. My father and step mother are elderly and have issues. So I'm like everyone else....I have many blessings and am so grateful for what I do have, but there are the real life issues to contend with.

Irie, your post was great and it helps me so much to know that others have done or do some of the same insane sneaky things we do. I know I will get thur today and have Day 1 done...I am looking forward to being able to day 7 days AF....and slowly up the time. I am praying I can sleep tonight, I am exhausted. Hugs to all.

[shueaddict]

Conquoring day 1!!! Who's beating this with me?

Thank you Ginger, seems to me that you have more on your plate than others but the right attitude about it.

For my side ? I am 36, mom of a 7 year old son ? married to a lovely Irishman for 11 years and enjoy a great expat life. I have a very demanding job that I actually enjoy. My drinking picked up in the past 3-4 years ? to the point that I would have over a bottle of wine many evenings, regular blackouts and regular spells of waking up at night in horror that I overdid the drink again. God, have I ? [insert any combination of ]:
-left my blackberry by the pool?
-fed the dog?
-packed my son?s sports kit?
-had so much wine that I am going to be slow tomorrow?
-watched end of the show?
-said the wrong thing to my hubby again?
-passed out on the coach again?

You get the picture ? Being on this forum helped me get through witching hour many many times and slowly changed the way I perceive alcohol. It has not happened over night but I can feel it at work. I no longer romanticize it. I DESPISE it. For making me so weak and jeopardizing what I have and hold dear.

So jump on the wagon, get ready for a bumpy ride but do not worry, we have installed seatbelts on this one.

Big hug, hope you get to sleep

[gingerspice]

Conquoring day 1!!! Who's beating this with me?

Hi Gingersnap and shue,
thank you for sharing about yourself , it makes it so much more personal.
I hope everyone is doing ok today , i wish i could say that it was getting easie,r but for me its not.

take care and god bless x

[gingersnap]

Conquoring day 1!!! Who's beating this with me?

Day 2 is almost over....had a little temptation earlier but kept saying....you slept better and didn't wake with the guilt and shame, you don't have to round up the evidence to throw out. You won't be pouring poision down your throat. I received my All in One Powder today. Plan to start tomorrow, get some L glut, and ginger for my juicing. I have the MWO book I plan to read this w/e.

Congrats to all on their AF days and to those that aren't there yet....it will come when the time is right. I pray this time it is right for me and for everyone.

I try to use this visual at times....I have drank wine, a bottle or bottle and half for the last 10 yrs.....probably on an average 6 out of 7 days. I try to image a pile with all the bottles of wine and other liquors I've drank all these years....can you imagine how huge this pile would be? how much money I spent? The time I've spent hiding, sneaking, getting rid of the bottles? all this AL flowing thru my body? It isn't a very pretty visual.

[shueaddict]

Conquoring day 1!!! Who's beating this with me?

Good for you ginger !!! I am still AF too ? resisted temptation at dinner

Well ? 10 years of drinking would amount to 3,128 bottles of wine or 521 cases ? about 20 cubic meters ? enough to fill a 4 meter long lorry.

Sorry ? I am messing with you ? saw a math problem I simply could not resist.

But ? fair is fair ? here comes my truck ? based on my records dating back 7 years:

1634 bottles, 272 cases, 10 cubic meters ? well ? 3 pickup up trucks should do the job without dropping any cases .

Have a fun Friday

Apologies if I offended you

:heartsnflowers:

[gingersnap]

Conquoring day 1!!! Who's beating this with me?

You most certainly did NOT offend me...I took this math a little further....I don't buy expensive wine but used an average of $6 a bottle that is $18,786 in 10 yrs and in reality I have bought bottles of schnops, rum, vodka, not often, but on ocassion....not to mention drinks in a restaurant I have consumed and those aren't cheap.....I can see the figure exceeding $25,000 in 10 yrs. What a complete and utter waste. The places I could have traveled with that money