So it was about this time last year that I finally admitted to myself that I needed help and visited my doctor and finally asked for the help I needed.
Sooo a year later, well I can honestly say I am both mentallyand physically stronger than I was then, I can cope with upset without turning to AL, My confidence booster namely AL was holding me back, it was stopping me from being the person I am, yes I drank to give me confidence but five minutes later I was trying to hide the fact I had drank and was paranoid the other Moms at school would smell it on me so was going out of myway to avoid contact with them.
Everything that was an excuse to stay at home and drink is one no longer, today my hayfever is terrible I have no voice and a sore throat, but whereas once that would be a reason to lie on the sofa drinking Brandy to ease the pain of it, today I've exercised for an hour and am about to decorate the hallway instead.
I can't pretend it's been easy it hasn't, I went for ages being sober then would raltionalise a reason to drink and bam one drink and my drunk days would outnumber my sober ones once more, but I'm getting there, I have drank a couple of times lately but I can honestly say I had no idea why, the way I felt the next morning made me ask myself why/ what did I get from it other than feeling ill, it certainly didn't enhance things the day before anymore than they would have been if I'd not drank.
There are days when all I want to do is take the kids to school come home and crack open a bottle of vodka like I used to do and it takes a lot to tell me it is a bad idea, to remind myself of the struggle not to drink for that last couple of hours before picking them up on the school run, if I couldn't drink for those couple of hours then I would get angry and practically drag the kids back home and get them settled before my next glass.
Being sober though has made me honest with myself, I can admit to myself how terribly I behaved, I'm still ashamed of the times I put AL before my kids, I can't change what I did then now but I can sure as hell use it as a tool not to be that person again.
I'm just so glad that I took that step and stepped out of my comfort zone of my little drink filled world where I was telling myself everything was fine. I had to face up to things I wasn't seeing in my life and yes it is hard admitting to yourself you're struggling but it gets easier as things are clearer.
My husband had trust issues with me, everything I did seemed to have an ulterior motive to him, drink was clouding that on my side, his too as although he didn't drink as much as me he was drinking in the day too, (he has practically stopped now too) and yes he still has issues but I can see them too and we are at the stage where he is happy for me to take the kids off to London on my own for the day or to take them on holiday by myself, when last year he was even questioning the amount of time I spent at the supermarket, so the change in our marriage as been good, not that I'm saying it's perfect:H
Okay I'm rambling now, but I guess I just wanted to say one year later and my life has changed for the better, I'm more confident, happier, fitter, about to take on four rescue kittens who are going to need a lot of work to get them used to being used to a normal life and about to set up a small online business, nothing to make me rich but all this I wouldn't even have been considering last year....
So don't be afraid of talking to your GP about how you feel because that was the best thing I could have done....
I'd rather spend my time biking with the kids than drowning in my glass each afternoon
Sooo a year later, well I can honestly say I am both mentallyand physically stronger than I was then, I can cope with upset without turning to AL, My confidence booster namely AL was holding me back, it was stopping me from being the person I am, yes I drank to give me confidence but five minutes later I was trying to hide the fact I had drank and was paranoid the other Moms at school would smell it on me so was going out of myway to avoid contact with them.
Everything that was an excuse to stay at home and drink is one no longer, today my hayfever is terrible I have no voice and a sore throat, but whereas once that would be a reason to lie on the sofa drinking Brandy to ease the pain of it, today I've exercised for an hour and am about to decorate the hallway instead.
I can't pretend it's been easy it hasn't, I went for ages being sober then would raltionalise a reason to drink and bam one drink and my drunk days would outnumber my sober ones once more, but I'm getting there, I have drank a couple of times lately but I can honestly say I had no idea why, the way I felt the next morning made me ask myself why/ what did I get from it other than feeling ill, it certainly didn't enhance things the day before anymore than they would have been if I'd not drank.
There are days when all I want to do is take the kids to school come home and crack open a bottle of vodka like I used to do and it takes a lot to tell me it is a bad idea, to remind myself of the struggle not to drink for that last couple of hours before picking them up on the school run, if I couldn't drink for those couple of hours then I would get angry and practically drag the kids back home and get them settled before my next glass.
Being sober though has made me honest with myself, I can admit to myself how terribly I behaved, I'm still ashamed of the times I put AL before my kids, I can't change what I did then now but I can sure as hell use it as a tool not to be that person again.
I'm just so glad that I took that step and stepped out of my comfort zone of my little drink filled world where I was telling myself everything was fine. I had to face up to things I wasn't seeing in my life and yes it is hard admitting to yourself you're struggling but it gets easier as things are clearer.
My husband had trust issues with me, everything I did seemed to have an ulterior motive to him, drink was clouding that on my side, his too as although he didn't drink as much as me he was drinking in the day too, (he has practically stopped now too) and yes he still has issues but I can see them too and we are at the stage where he is happy for me to take the kids off to London on my own for the day or to take them on holiday by myself, when last year he was even questioning the amount of time I spent at the supermarket, so the change in our marriage as been good, not that I'm saying it's perfect:H
Okay I'm rambling now, but I guess I just wanted to say one year later and my life has changed for the better, I'm more confident, happier, fitter, about to take on four rescue kittens who are going to need a lot of work to get them used to being used to a normal life and about to set up a small online business, nothing to make me rich but all this I wouldn't even have been considering last year....
So don't be afraid of talking to your GP about how you feel because that was the best thing I could have done....
I'd rather spend my time biking with the kids than drowning in my glass each afternoon
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