Shaking The Disease

[leaveinsilence]

Where do I start?

I was going to post this last night but never got around to it, why? Umm giving into the the disease I guess is one way of putting it.

I drank last night, knew I was going to, kept walking past the wine aisle in Asda last night, but if I'm honest the only reason I didn't give in earlier was because I'd promised to take my son to Asda.

So the question is why, I knew how I'd feel, I knew how I'd react after having one glass and was I proved wrong? No of course I wasn't, even before I left the wine aisle I was caught in my previous ways, buying a bottle to share with hubs and a spare for myself. Then I had to try and hide the fact I was buying two bottles from my son (little daughter ratted on me last time I bought more than one bottle) so there I was hiding the second bottle under cat blankets I'd bought, had to pay for them seperately and "lose" one of the receipt, etc etc.


Then it comes to the actual drinking filling my glass with the legit wine whilst stealing swigs from the illegal one upstairs, enjoying the second bottle when hubs decided he was coming to bed early, straight away I felt my anger flare up, anger at not being able to finish the second bottle in peace. So I fled downstairs as soon as he was in the bathroom and hid my spare, made an excuse for going downstairs again and proceeded to chug more than half a bottle down in the space of a few minutes.

Now for the stupid part, I was downing it like crazy, my stomach was protesting but my mind was telling me "Yeah it's fine, you might throw up but so what it wouldn't be the first time that has happened will it? You'll have drank me won't you" I could literally hear my mind and knew it was madness but still I went ahead and finished it off, tried hard not to throw it up again and went to bed where I ate cheese and crackers and finished a legal wine.

So this morning, although I don't feel hungover I'm having to deal with the after effects of upset stomach etc, retrieving the empty bottle from under the sofa and finding somewhere new to stash it, can't put it in recycling anymore, trying to remember what I spoke to my bestest friend Jeff on IM about, I haven't a clue, don't even remember closing the convesation just hoping that he gave up on his connection problems and called it a night.

Why do I / we do this to ourselves, why do we have so much trouble shaking the disease? We know it could kill us one day, but still we plough headlong into it......

[Snapdragon]

Shaking The Disease

Hi Leaveinsilence

Wow - you sound just like me!! I could have written your post!

I am Day 4 AF, but my regular pattern was to buy a bottle of wine (in fact in Tesco now they are selling cartons of wine which I reverted too even though they don't taste as good, simply because I could hide it in my handbag and then dump the empty carton in a bin on my way to work in the morning!)

My partner enjoys a glass of cider with his meal (never more than one) and I figured that as long as he had drunk some AL he wouldn't smell it on me and would have no idea how much I was drinking. So my trick - like you - was to stash a bottle of wine upstairs, 'innocently' have a glass of cider with him at our meal and then keep sneaking up for a quick swig. I also hid bottles in the microwave, breadbin, washing machine etc.

What you might not realise - it that its quite possible your husband knows what you're up to but hasn't said anything. Yesterday during a serious discussion with my partner (he knows my plan to stay AF) he mentioned that he had been concerned because he knew I was hiding bottles in these places (mentioned he had seen one in the breadbin and microwave!) So I'm obviously not quite as clever as I thought I was :H

[life...take2]

Shaking The Disease

Leaveinsilence,

First, I feel for you. I can't tell you how many times I was always the party planner/menu guy so I could use the opportunity to cover up my poison addiction. Amazing how the addicted mind is so clever and finds ways to sneak the bottles in, how we find secret places to drink, cover our tracks, etc....

I read and reread your post and here is my 2 cents worth. I found that I always lost the battle to my addicted self when I had those "should I - shouldn't I moments." I gained strength when I found a support person who would talk me out of the bad decision and remind me of why I was trying to be AF.

You seem to be struggling ALONE and that - in my humble opinion - was where I was most vulnerable. I don;t know your history, but maybe buying the bottle, showing it to your husband, and saying something like, "How stupid was this? I bought this, tried to cover my tracks, --- " would not be an occasion for a fight, but a plea for help. He could have helped you pour the bottle down the sink. ok, so you wasted some $$$$ but would have you woken up stronger, less guilt-ridden, in the long run - happier.

Don't go up against your addicted self ALONE. That is the time when we need the strength and support of others.

Peace to you :l

[mylife]

Shaking The Disease

Hello Leave,

I'm so sorry - I can relate to your story as well. Actually, mine was just hiding the one bottle of wine because I did come clean with my husband and he now won't drink with me -- so if I have wine it's hidden altogether.

The bottom line is we have an addiction. We are addicted to a poisonous substance that is no better or worse than any other drug. I have heard from smokers also that even if they have quit for years when they start again it's right back to the two packs a day or whatnot that they had quit years before. It's just an addiction and the only way to end it is to stop.

I also agree with Life that you need some kind of support. A lot of people don't get this at home, as they just don't understand. Therefore it's really important to get the support however you can -- here and possibly AA if that works for you.

You can beat this addiction like many others here have. I'm planning to do it and I know you can too!

[WineSucks]

Shaking The Disease

Hey Leave - Wow can I relate to your story. I have done the same thing. Buy a purse that's big enough so I can slip the bottle of wine in and get it in the house. Stuff a bottle in the bottom of a grocery bag and pray my husband is outside so I can sneak it into the bottom of the fridge. Hide it in the hamper in the bathroom, under the towels. Sneak it while I'm cooking dinner and hiding the glass in the cupboard. Then get annoyed when he wants to come in the kitchen and talk to me while I'm cooking because then I can't sneak a sip. Trying to get the empty bottle into the trash w/o anyone seeing it. Trying to get in and out of the liquor store before he drives by on his way home from work, so he won't see me and the crazy crap just goes on and on! Oh and I forgot....getting him a glass of wine, so if he drinks it he won't smell the wine on my breath!

I think we have all been there to some degree and the fact that we are here indicates that we are aware that we have a problem and we want to stop this insane behavior and seek some support. I agree that we can't do this alone. I tried AA but it drove me straight to the liquor store afterward (not sure why) so I've been sticking here, reading and posting and doing alot better.....not where I want to be but better.

Hang in there everyone.....we can do this, if we really want to. Hope everyone has a great day.