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Hello everyone. I'm 37 years old, and for almost all of the past 19 years, I have drank with a zeal and dedication that can only be described as religious.
I have watched, slowly and steadily, how it has made me a liar and a loner. I watched it destroy my first marriage. I have found myself in more perilous and dangerous situations than I care to recount, all in the name of continuing to drink at any and all costs.
Yesterday, I left my beautiful wife and 24 day old son, my first child, and drove straight to the liquor store. I bought a bottle of vodka and drove to the cemetery. I started drinking it and that is the last thing I remember. I drove home three hours later, per my wife. I have no recollection of this.
There was no trigger, no event. It's what I do. Massive cravings interpreted as commands.
Many of you may be familiar with my progression in your own lives. "I only drink on the weekend, so no big deal." That didn't last long. "I don't drink before 5PM (Then noon)." Crossed that line years ago. "Well, I never drink and drive." That was one of the last to fall. "Well, I never drink and drive with anyone else in the car." As if that somehow earns me an iota of good behavior credit, especially with fellow motorists and pedestrians.
Over time, alcohol has eroded my values and integrity to such a degree that I did not care if I was arrested because of my drinking. Or so I think; I've never been arrested. But my behavior is careening wildly out of control, and so much so that an arrest will be a best case scenario if I don't get right.
I am a father now. The most terrifying thing about that is that it means I no longer have the option to kill myself. I'm here for the duration, and in order to be the great dad (and at least serviceable spouse) I know I can be, I simply must stop drinking. It's the whole ballgame for me.
Stop drinking, save my life. Stop drinking, save my son. Keep drinking, watch as misery and horror unfold that I even now, after all this time, can not fathom. I am on the razor's edge of drinking introducing irreversible tragedy to my life. Easily could have happened yesterday.
I've been through rehab and I stayed sober one year. It was the best year of my life. It ended about two and a half years ago.
Stakes is high, higher than they've ever been. Now's the time to become who I am: a thoughtful, kind, sober adult. I salute all of you who have chosen to walk this path before me. I will benefit from your experience.
So hello, everyone. Today, July 25, 2011, my 2nd wedding anniversary, is my first day sober.
Alex
Hello everyone. I'm 37 years old, and for almost all of the past 19 years, I have drank with a zeal and dedication that can only be described as religious.
I have watched, slowly and steadily, how it has made me a liar and a loner. I watched it destroy my first marriage. I have found myself in more perilous and dangerous situations than I care to recount, all in the name of continuing to drink at any and all costs.
Yesterday, I left my beautiful wife and 24 day old son, my first child, and drove straight to the liquor store. I bought a bottle of vodka and drove to the cemetery. I started drinking it and that is the last thing I remember. I drove home three hours later, per my wife. I have no recollection of this.
There was no trigger, no event. It's what I do. Massive cravings interpreted as commands.
Many of you may be familiar with my progression in your own lives. "I only drink on the weekend, so no big deal." That didn't last long. "I don't drink before 5PM (Then noon)." Crossed that line years ago. "Well, I never drink and drive." That was one of the last to fall. "Well, I never drink and drive with anyone else in the car." As if that somehow earns me an iota of good behavior credit, especially with fellow motorists and pedestrians.
Over time, alcohol has eroded my values and integrity to such a degree that I did not care if I was arrested because of my drinking. Or so I think; I've never been arrested. But my behavior is careening wildly out of control, and so much so that an arrest will be a best case scenario if I don't get right.
I am a father now. The most terrifying thing about that is that it means I no longer have the option to kill myself. I'm here for the duration, and in order to be the great dad (and at least serviceable spouse) I know I can be, I simply must stop drinking. It's the whole ballgame for me.
Stop drinking, save my life. Stop drinking, save my son. Keep drinking, watch as misery and horror unfold that I even now, after all this time, can not fathom. I am on the razor's edge of drinking introducing irreversible tragedy to my life. Easily could have happened yesterday.
I've been through rehab and I stayed sober one year. It was the best year of my life. It ended about two and a half years ago.
Stakes is high, higher than they've ever been. Now's the time to become who I am: a thoughtful, kind, sober adult. I salute all of you who have chosen to walk this path before me. I will benefit from your experience.
So hello, everyone. Today, July 25, 2011, my 2nd wedding anniversary, is my first day sober.
Alex
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