Day 10, and starting to waver

[Juja]

Hi All

I had to take a nap to stop thinking about AL. I want to go out for a nice dinner, have some wine, and have some more wine when I get home. Day 3 and 4, tough for some people, is a breeze for me; it's after a week that I get itchy.

My mother in law gave us a bunch of limes, and my husband said some Vodka tonics would taste great. That was the trigger. Drinking--I deserve a drink--was all I could think about. I've cleaned like a madwoman, done laundry, cooked, and want a reward!

Plus, I was discouraged when I got on the scales today. Since not drinking, and following Weight Watchers, I've only lost one pound in a week. I was sure it would be more. Bummer. Maybe I'm expecting too much.

Please don't tell me to go for a walk. It's too damn hot.

Once this last load of clothes is finished, I'm going to take a shower, and crawl in bed with a book. I've done enough for today, and will relax. Books are my escape.

I want to make it through the week and weekend. Help!!

[FlyAway]

Day 10, and starting to waver

Juja, this is something I read in the Tool Box:

Do You "Deserve" a Drink, Today?

I can't count the number of times I have seen someone come here and write a post in which s/he says that s/he has relapsed, or "slipped," because s/he had been doing well for a while, and decided that s/he "deserved" a drink.

And our alcoholic thinking does this to us. It totally bypasses the memory of the devastation, humiliation, and destruction that alcohol has brought into our lives, and it presents alcohol as a GOOD thing, a prize, a reward, something we want to give ourselves for a job well done.

I wrote a post a few days ago, about this way of thinking, but it was kind of buried in another thread. And I saw people talking about "deserving a drink," again today. What I wrote about was about changing our way of thinking from this self-destructive "Deprivation Mode" to a winning, successful, positive "Gratitude Mode." Here it is:

I don't think we can begin to truly grow into a successful, lifetime, AF plan until we have managed to make the shift in our thinking from the "Deprivation Mode" to the "Gratitude Mode."

In Deprivation Mode, we think alcohol is a good thing that we are being deprived of. We are sad, and grieve the loss of what had felt like a friend to us. We consider it a treat that we never get to give ourselves again. We are envious of others who "get to drink."

In Gratitude Mode, we recognize that alcohol is (for us, because of our brain structure, genetics, physiology, etc.) a toxin, a poison, something that nearly destroyed us. Mentally, physically, and spiritually. We recognize that we have the most amazing opportunity to rid ourselves of something that makes us very sick in all those ways. We recognize the craziness of voluntarily damaging our brains, minds, bodies, families, jobs, futures. We are really, really grateful for that opportunity, and we guard it and cultivate it carefully.

Most of us start a recovery program in deprivation mode. Some people stay there forever. Those people tend not to be able to create a consistently successful program, or life, of freedom from alcohol and its devastation. Some of us transition into gratitude mode.

For most of us, Gratitude Mode does not just happen all by itself. We have to make it happen. If we want to shift into gratitude mode, we learn to cultivate it. We cultivate it by being careful about our thoughts, and about what we notice. If we find ourselves thinking about how wonderful it would be to have a drink, we deliberately shift attention away from this train of thought, and we deliberately choose to think about how good it is to know we will never humiliate ourselves with alcohol again, never again have another horrible hangover, never disappoint our children again with the way we are when we get drunk. We notice alcohol advertising, pay attention to how it makes us feel, and detach from the message by noticing how distorted the message is.

That kind of thing is crucial. We literally can BUILD a new way of thinking and feeling about things. And I think that's something to be grateful for, in itself!

[FlyAway]

Day 10, and starting to waver

This is the hard time. Don't forget all of the bad that alcohol has brought into your life. Don't romanticize an addiction to a drug. The drug is talking to you now, not reality and not the truth. :l

[mumofsix]

Day 10, and starting to waver

I'm on Day one - I have to get to Day 10! Congratulations on such a milestone - dont let it slip away by going back to having to start Day One again. I dont need weightwatchers, I lost 35kgs and became a runner a very fit runner and I feel all that slipping away if I dont get back in control. Take it from me slipping is not worth it

[Juja]

Day 10, and starting to waver

Thanks, FA. I needed both posts.

Yes, if we went out to dinner and I drank, I would probably release an ugly stream of anger at my husband because I don't feel he does enough around the house. I don't want to wake up in the morning with that "Uh-oh, what now" feeling. Not good.

Thanks for reminding me AL is a poison and not a reward. I need to work on the gratitude aspect.

[WineSucks]

Day 10, and starting to waver

Juja - Hang in there girl.....you can do this! You were so supportive of me when I slipped and 10 Days is too much to give up. Don't give in to the lie. You deserve to be healthy and sober.

FlyAway - Great post and thank you....I'm coming back to it when I think I "deserve" a drink.

[Lavande]

Day 10, and starting to waver

Juja,

Take a look at one of my favorite websites:

The ToDo Institute: Mindfulness, Procrastination, and Gratitude using Morita and Naikan Therapies

We have to change our thinking in order to be successful

[Mia]

Day 10, and starting to waver

Thank You Fly Away I needed to read that!

[merry]

Day 10, and starting to waver

juja
don't you mean you deserve to be sober
thanks lavande I'll look up that site because i have a habit of procratination and we all need to change our thinking
I would rather my husband stayed outside they never do it the way we want and leave sometimes a bigger mess to clean up

[Barbara1234]

Day 10, and starting to waver

FlyAway,

That was an awesome post. It was the first time I had ever seen that and it is right on point. Thank you so much for posting that!! With GRATITUDE!!!

[DriftyAlison0]

Day 10, and starting to waver

Juja;1153047 wrote:
Plus, I was discouraged when I got on the scales today. Since not drinking, and following Weight Watchers, I've only lost one pound in a week. I was sure it would be more. Bummer. Maybe I'm expecting too much.

With losing weight, you should be losing only 1 to 2 pounds a week so you are on a roll, any more then 2 lb a week could lead to the weight being regained. Hang in there. The 2 week mark was my toughest too and it gets easier after the 2 week mark as long as you don't drink.

[Queenbug]

Day 10, and starting to waver

Juja....I'm right there with you...I'm eating SO much and feel rubbish...but these posts here can just turn around your thinking sometimes eh?
Flyaway...today I am struggling so hard to resist getting wine...literally minute by minute...your post just got me through the latest rage of desire to drink...thank you x

[Juja]

Day 10, and starting to waver

QB-- I ate ice cream night before last, and I never want ice cream! My body was screaming for it. I thought "What is this?" I guess it's the sugar I'm not getting from AL. I read where this is a pretty normal reaction for all of us. But, I want to lose this weight so badly that I don't want to eat junk either. I feel like a gigantic blob of fat cells moving through the atmosphere. Plus, I don't want to feel depressed about my weight on top of trying not to drink. Once it cools down here (that's a joke), I'm going to get back into my walking routine. I'd have to drive 35 miles to a gym, plus I can't afford to join one anyway.

Drifty-- You're right. A pound a week is the appropriate weight loss. I know that, but want more. Thanks for reminding me.

Merry-- You understand about the husband! I'm not alone. WineSucks has commiserated with me, too. What would men do without wives? My cell had some unanwered calls on it the other day, and my husband said maybe it was my boyfriend. I'm not a mean person, so I didn't say, but damn, I wanted to say: You've got to be kidding me?!! Why would I want another man?!?! Most of my friends feel the same way.

WineSucks-- I see on other threads that you're struggling. Try to ride the wave, my friend. You can do it; I know you can. I believe in you. Distraction, distraction.
I'm going for a manicure today, like you did the other day when your husband was fooling with his beloved plants. Oh, and I loved your metaphor (?) of AL being a crack pipe!

LaVande-- I need to check out the website. So much to do, so much to do!

Love to all,
Juja

[Juja]

Day 10, and starting to waver

QB-- I see you're struggling, too. Don't give in, don't give in! Maybe we need to rent some surfing footage of riding waves in Hawaii, and watch those when the urge is upon us. I'm going to try to remember some of them, and visualize. What's the really big wave in Hawaii that all surfers want to conquer? The Pipeline? That's what the pull of Al feels like--getting through the Pipeline.

I'm with you, dearie.

[Queenbug]

Day 10, and starting to waver

Thank you Juja...still riding it...not given in yet!!!