I view my sobriety, young as it is, through the lens of my first attempt at long term abstinence, which lasted one year.
I remember these earliest days off the bottle so well: alcohol just dominates my headspace. The addiction that has determined my actions for so long is used to simply and quietly saying "It's time to drink. Now." And off I'd run, and away I'd go. I'd buy, and as soon as I'd had one beer, the curtain was drawn. I was no longer in control, at all. And I'd almost always drink until I blacked out/passed out.
So today, on Day 2, I can feel my addiction prodding my brain with a little stick. "Hey. It's time. Get going. Go buy." Several times a minutes.
It does me a great deal of good to know that this fades, and relatively quickly, but at first it's rough. I remember when I had several months of sobriety under my belt last time I would walk by the alcohol aisle at the supermarket and feel like it just didn't have anything to do with me; similar, oddly, to the feeling I'd get when I walked down the feminine hygiene aisle. "I know these products are of utility to some people, but they have nothing to do with me." And on I'd walk, free and clear.
I'm far from that now. The addiction is strong and has been in charge for two and a half years. It's not used to hearing "No." Ever.
But as the days pass, I know, understand in my bones, that I will form new habits and see my cravings for what they are: cravings, not commands. Impulses than can, and will, be ignored/navigated without any action being taken.
I also remember, with great astonishment, the first time I realized a full day (and then a couple days) had passed and I hadn't thought about drinking one single time. It was shocking.
I post this to remind myself of how good life is when you stop drinking for a longer period of time, and how a large part of the battle is fought when you are weakest, during that very first week. When you're still anxious and miserable and decidedly imbalanced, mentally and physically.
But the eventual upside, oh, the upside...all that is good in life, clear and vivid and in full color. And me, the healthy and sane version, unafraid to participate in it.
I'm the boss. I am in charge of my life. Not my addiction.
I remember these earliest days off the bottle so well: alcohol just dominates my headspace. The addiction that has determined my actions for so long is used to simply and quietly saying "It's time to drink. Now." And off I'd run, and away I'd go. I'd buy, and as soon as I'd had one beer, the curtain was drawn. I was no longer in control, at all. And I'd almost always drink until I blacked out/passed out.
So today, on Day 2, I can feel my addiction prodding my brain with a little stick. "Hey. It's time. Get going. Go buy." Several times a minutes.
It does me a great deal of good to know that this fades, and relatively quickly, but at first it's rough. I remember when I had several months of sobriety under my belt last time I would walk by the alcohol aisle at the supermarket and feel like it just didn't have anything to do with me; similar, oddly, to the feeling I'd get when I walked down the feminine hygiene aisle. "I know these products are of utility to some people, but they have nothing to do with me." And on I'd walk, free and clear.
I'm far from that now. The addiction is strong and has been in charge for two and a half years. It's not used to hearing "No." Ever.
But as the days pass, I know, understand in my bones, that I will form new habits and see my cravings for what they are: cravings, not commands. Impulses than can, and will, be ignored/navigated without any action being taken.
I also remember, with great astonishment, the first time I realized a full day (and then a couple days) had passed and I hadn't thought about drinking one single time. It was shocking.
I post this to remind myself of how good life is when you stop drinking for a longer period of time, and how a large part of the battle is fought when you are weakest, during that very first week. When you're still anxious and miserable and decidedly imbalanced, mentally and physically.
But the eventual upside, oh, the upside...all that is good in life, clear and vivid and in full color. And me, the healthy and sane version, unafraid to participate in it.
I'm the boss. I am in charge of my life. Not my addiction.
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