Afraid

[daisy45]

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[cuckoosnest83]

Afraid

Daisy, I'm right there with you. Tired of the excuses and afraid.

[Queenbug]

Afraid

Daisy....you can do it....I get most scared when something really matters to me....pretty sure that's better than not caring or trying at all...the L-Glut and people on here got me through a mad frenzy of anxiety/fear/craving/self loathing yesterday....stay close...got your back mate....keep checking in....xx

[not tonight]

Afraid

Daisy,
Don't be afraid. Fear comes from the disease. Empowerment comes from freedom. I know what it is like to have had a good amount of time sober only to feel defeated by falling back into old habits. Stay close to the forum and reach out any and every time you need support. Every day we get through sober is a victory.

[daisy45]

Afraid

Thank you all so much.
Step 1. Wine down sink as planned!!!!
Step 2. Had nice lunch.
Step 3. L-Glut to come.

[FlyAway]

Afraid

Take the L-Glut throughout the day, 3 or 4 times, regardless of whether you have a craving or not. Keep it in your system so that you can stay on top of the cravings.

[Doggygirl]

Afraid

Daisy, I can so relate to what you are going through. I had 60 days AF when I first got here. I felt so good!!! Then for whatever stupid reason, I drank. I had SUCH A STRUGGLE to get back on the wagon. I couldn't seem to manage more than a few AF days here and there when I tried. And I got tired of trying. I too was afraid. That went on for about 8 months. Then somehow, some way, something changed for me and I'm not even sure what. And I've been AF ever since. It's not always smooth sailing and I've added a lot of new tools to my box.

I guess the lesson I learned from that is to NEVER GIVE UP. You just never know when things are going to click for you.

That experience also humbled me. I go forward in full knowledge of the cunning, baffling and powerful nature of my addiction. I can never take a moment of my sobriety for granted. I can never be foolish enough to think things like "well, I'll drink today and just get right back on the wagon tomorrow." It's just not that easy to get back on the wagon for me. So I will do everything in my power on a daily basis to not fall off again.

You can do it!

DG

[cmhguy3]

Afraid

Daisy, I am afraid also, and my story is similar to yours but I just got back in the game as well. I have a great feeling this time as well. We can do this!!!!

Guy
Day 3 af

Doggygirl;1154030 wrote: Daisy,I guess the lesson I learned from that is to NEVER GIVE UP. You just never know when things are going to click for you.

You can do it!

DG

[daisy45]

Afraid

As you can see, I am sticking to you lot like glue - thank you so much for responding. I so appreciate it and am absorbing any and every bit of advice.
My ear and part of my cheek went numb since I last posted which resulted in a full blown panic attack as I thought I was taking a stroke. Still a bit numb but scared the life out of me and my 2 teenage daughters. I kept thinking 'No, dont let me die today when I have decided to give it up for good!' They wanted to phone someone but I wouldnt let them as I had a feeling alcohol was behind it. But inside I never prayed so hard - I thought my time was up and asked God to let me try again.
I am documenting this and intend to do everything in my power to achieve my new AF life . All the bad stuff happens with alcohol. There is no plus side.

[Barbara1234]

Afraid

Hi Daisy :h,

So good to see you back on here. I was worried about you. Have you started the CD's?
If you don't have to work, you can try one when you first wake up in the morning. They are long, about 30 min. I think. This will relax you and put you off to a good start for the day.
My main hope for you is to fall asleep listening to the subliminal CD's and hopefully you have a player with a repeat feature. Let the CD play all night long, it will begin to work on reprogramming your brain. This has helped me. This was the only thing that helped me. I am 67 days AF today after 10 years of Day 1's. I had all but given up before the CD's. If you have a partner, just get a headset.
Now instead of loathing myself, I loath AL. I have no problem saying no to AL. I have to reinforce that every day, because AL is always lurking. It does get easier. I had quite a time detoxing, felt sluggish, didn't exercise etc., but now I'm getting back into it, and I'm just starting to lose weight.
Daisy, you can do this. Please come back every day and get your dose of encouragement here. Ask questions, and just know you will be going through some changes that are normal. You don't have to do this alone. We are all here for YOU!!

[daisy45]

Afraid

Barbara thank you. It was you and Lav who kept pushing me to get the CDs. I kept trying without them. Well, now I've read the book. I have started the CDs even while drinking but now will do them as I should be.
Your encouragement has been constant and I thank you for that.

[Turnagain]

Afraid

Daisy -

I could've written nearly the same post just last Friday - but I was too drunk to type. Saturday, I woke up feeling queasy and full of that morning-after resolve not to drink "EVER AGAIN."

I wondered at what point in the afternoon I would break down and head to the liquor store rationalizing: "It's the weekend. I'll quit (again) Monday - after all, I never got to really say 'good-bye' to the buzz. Besides that - I'm out of smokes." My self-conversation was rather vigorous this day. "How many times have I said this to myself, now?"

I spent the morning really taking stock: The skin looks horrible. I've got sores on my face that just don't heal and it doesn't help that I pick at the scabs when I drink. I haven't slept through the night in more than 5 years. I have frequent day sweats and night sweats - I get so soaked I have to change clothes. I've gained more than 60 pounds over the last 3 years. And that's just the damage I can see on the outside. I feel depressed every day. My doc has warned me about colon cancer and alcohol (I have to go in every 3 years to get the polyps removed!) The last time, he had to give me double the sedation because my tolerance is now so high. I've got aches and pains in my abdomen. At my age (50+) I know that permanent liver damage could be looming. I pooped bright yellow a few weeks ago!

Beyond that...I've wasted thousands and thousands of dollars. I've lost so much precious time. I've caused my kids to worry - even more so now that they are no longer at home.

That's what drinking has done for me.

On Saturday afternoon, my queasiness lifted, the sun came out, my nicotine-deprived system started screaming for a fix. I knew if I walked out the door, I would also come home with a 12 pack of Sierra Nevada.

I snuggled back on the couch with my little laptop and pinged the MWO forums. I was inspired by the newbies struggling so mightily and encouraged by the long-time abstainers who offer their example and experience and care to us who feel so lost that we can't even find the path back. Your words were a life raft.

As for the cravings...I took a handful of supplements...I took a nap...I headed back to the web and read more at MWO. I made it through to the evening. At 9 pm, I thought, it's STILL not too late to go and get some beer or wine AND smokes. I also thought, I've made it to 9 without damaging myself. I forced myself back to the computer and the comfort of all of you.

The next thing I knew, my usual 4 am night sweat woke me up. It felt wonderful to be clear-headed. I just had an accidental DAY ONE breakthrough. I'm going on Day 5 now - no smokes...no drinks. It really does feel different this time.

Daisy, I know you will not give up. I know you will break through again, too. Healing is a process. Alcohol has damaged every function of our body from the top of our head to the tip of our toes. Supplements can help overcome the cravings, but depending on how long and how deep we've gone into alcohol's damaging grasp...it could take months...maybe longer for the brain chemistry and the rest of the below-the-neck systems to return to normal. We've got to eat whole, healthy foods. We've got to exercise. We need to repair the damage - what vitamins, minerals and amino acids are depleted? We've got to retrain our brains. We've got to stay away from Alcohol.

Our lives depend on it.

Thanks to all here...including you Daisy. Even though you feel helpless and afraid...you have shown great courage in reaching out. That, my friend, is what HOPE is all about.

[Lavande]

Afraid

Daisy,
I'm glad that you've read the book & are using the CDs. Stck with the program......you can do this!
I hope that episode of numbness you described has cleared up. That could be a warning sign of a bigger problem on the way. Please take care of yourself & see your doc when you can. We want you around for a long time

Hi Turnagain, welcome to MWO!
It will take a while to clear the effects of AL on your system, we don't heal overnight. But you have a great start with 5 AF days, congrats! Quitting smoking at the same time has got to be rough! I waited nearly 3 months until I quit smoking & it was the bggest struggle for me. Are you using any nicotine replacement produts? I hope you read the MWO book if you haven't already, it's full of good info. And use the ideas in the Tool box to help you make your plan

Wishing you both the best!

Lav

[Turnagain]

Afraid

Lav - you have been one of my biggest inspirations here....

I've bookmarked the toolbox and am plowing through. I am going to begin writing down my plan tonight.
Right now, I'm taking the dog on a long walk along the coast. I owe the little dude for a lot of missed time on the trail. We are having a beautiful day where I live in Alaska. I'm grateful to be alive. I'm grateful to be sober today. It's nice to take a deep, clean breath!

[mumofsix]

Afraid

Day Three for me today - I too got sick of the Day Ones. So bloody tiring going back round and round. Off for a run - hope you have a great day - dont be afraid this is a new beginning. Just remember all the day ones when you reach for the bottle. I love my wine too but not that much!