Really rough day

[Juja]

Crappy, crappy day. I won't go into it, but I'm worn out from the rollercoaster ride of emotions I have from dealing with the impending deaths of those I dearly love. Five people, going any day now, is too many. Consequently, AL and I had a big go-round, and I guess I won, if two NA beers don't count. I was frantic with the need to escape.

I don't see how I can get through this upcoming short weekend getaway without drinking: freedom from stress for 36 hours, dinner at a nice restaurant with good friends, and a concert? "REWARD" is flashing in red neon before my eyes. I really, really need you folks to send me some good advice soon, as well as strong, positive vibes during the weekend. I don't have a Blackberry, etc., to keep in touch, so I'll just have to tough it out without you.

I feel so weird, and I know it's depression without a crutch. Crap--again.

12 Days AF, and it seems like forever. I'm not sure about 30 days AF at this point.

Maybe tomorrow will look brighter.

[Juja]

Really rough day

I was wrong! It's only been 11, not 12, AF days. Crap, AGAIN!

[Doggygirl]

Really rough day

Juja, what exactly would AL be a "reward" for???? All AL ever did for me was make whatever I was going through - good or bad - WORSE. Dealing with life's difficulties is hard. For me, it was even harder with a hangover.

Enjoying a weekend away from it all was nice. It was made bad by a hangover.

Hang in there. Life is not always easy. We CAN deal with it sober, and it's actually better that way..:l

DG

[Queenbug]

Really rough day

Hey Juja.....crap, crap and double crap matey!!! But look at you! All that going on and you are still winning!!!
Sad times...but grieving still happens even when we are pissed...just gets mangled, delayed and squished...best to try not to add AL to it...won't stop what you need to feel...not making light of it I promise...
WEEKEND
Plan....just try and plan.....can't remember...have you got L-Glut?
Alternative drinks...what do you fancy? Lime & Soda? Cranberry? Sparkly water, fresh lime & Lemon?
What to tell friends...had a bad bug, eating again but not up for AL? Taking a break? Stopped?
No MWO contact...I wear a turquoise thread around my wrist...I fiddle with it when I need to...helps me focus and remember some of what's been said/who I've been chatting to...

Don't know if any of that helps, but just wanted to let you know someone is thinking about you.

Don't worry about 30 days yet..sometimes its moment by moment it seems...
HUGE strong, positive vibes to you....chin up xx

[WineSucks]

Really rough day

Juja - Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad sweetie.....I hope things get better. Write yourself some notes before you go. Go to the Women for Sobriety website and they have 13 statements. Write a couple of them down and take them with you.....it's better than nothing. I know how tempting it will be to give in but you will feel so much worse, both physically and mentally. You are doing so well....11 days is awesome...you are ahead of me. It's not worth throwing that much time down the toilet. What scares me is it already sounds like you are starting to give in and you haven't even gotten there yet. You have to learn to cope with life without having AL as a crutch (I don't mean to sound harsh).

We care about you, we are rooting for you and we are your support system and we are here for you!

[daisy45]

Really rough day

Juja, sorry to hear you're feeling like this. As the queen of day ones I urge you to stick with it. I have just come back after drinking every night for about a week. That started off with 'drinking thinking'. Was it worth it? Damn No! I have to start all over again and the suffering of daily hangovers and wasted days has left me with nothing but shame. I dont wish that on you!
I read a great post by Frenchman. Its called 'My notes on alcohol'
As I dont know how to do links; I just went to Members and then Posts by Frenchman. Easy to find and well worth reading. It would be great if you could print this out and take it with you.
I wish you all the best. Stay strong.:l

[FlyAway]

Really rough day

Juja;1154264 wrote: Crappy, crappy day. I won't go into it, but I'm worn out from the rollercoaster ride of emotions I have from dealing with the impending deaths of those I dearly love. Five people, going any day now, is too many. Consequently, AL and I had a big go-round, and I guess I won, if two NA beers don't count. I was frantic with the need to escape.

I don't see how I can get through this upcoming short weekend getaway without drinking: freedom from stress for 36 hours, dinner at a nice restaurant with good friends, and a concert? "REWARD" is flashing in red neon before my eyes. I really, really need you folks to send me some good advice soon, as well as strong, positive vibes during the weekend. I don't have a Blackberry, etc., to keep in touch, so I'll just have to tough it out without you.

I feel so weird, and I know it's depression without a crutch. Crap--again.

12 Days AF, and it seems like forever. I'm not sure about 30 days AF at this point.

Maybe tomorrow will look brighter.
This is what you posted about 6 weeks ago:

You all know the story: night after night of drinking, vowing to quit, going AF a few days, and then getting tripped up: pressure from others, stress, a reward, anger, etc. I was AF for 3 1/2 months, but wasn't strong enough to say no to a pleasant host. Since then, it's getting drunk every night, shame, anxiety, and depression in the a.m., disappointment and anger on my husband's face, and hating myself everyday. I've put on 10 lbs since last summer because I haven't been taking care of myself. Who wants to eat when there's drinking to be done?

Does this sound like the reward you're looking for? I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you're forgetting how bad alcohol makes things. You're forgetting your shame and depression and the disappointment you get from your husband. You're romanticizing alcohol and making excuses. But do you really want to go back to the way you felt when you posted the above message?

[Barbara1234]

Really rough day

FlyAway, you are brilliant.

I was thinking about what I wanted to say to you JuJa, and FlyAway said it all. Go back and read some of your earlier posts and reflect back on why you are here in the first place.
AL is a lie. Do you remember the thread "Open Letter"? It was a thread where a few of us wrote letters to AL. Here is mine. It comes from a Reba McIntyre song that I love so much, but here is my version for AL...

Dear Wine,

You lie, you know you're gonna hurt me, so you lie to buy a little time, and I go along...
What else can I do? Maybe it's wrong, but you know how much I love you
So you lie....... 'til I can find a way to say goodbye
You lie.....
How long until I just can't go on, and the urge to break loose is just too strong?
I should let go that's what I want to do
And now I know, I know it's the right thing to do..........so goodbye

I know I've repeated myself with this letter, but try and remember that AL is a lie. If you want to escape and relax on your weekend, enjoy your meals with people you care about, enjoy the beautiful weather. Get a massage and just drift into a sober wonderful AL free mind and body. Now that's what I call a REWARD.
I've been where you are a thousand times, and one day I just said No More lies.

[Queenbug]

Really rough day

Some great posts here...reminded me to go back over some of my earlier posts to keep me on track...thanks peeps!
Juja...how are you feeling today? x

[willowfrond]

Really rough day

Hi Juja,

I'm going to step out of line here a little, although posts here are valid...they do seem harsh.

I cannot imagine how your heart must be breaking over these dear people you are going to farewell. Please think on this farewell means exactly that "fare well" and goodbye is "God be with you". A very religious lady once told me (after the death of her husband of 40 plus years) that grief can be a self centred emotion and so she would work with God to minimise it, she knew her husband would be with God.
I don't believe in God in the traditional sense but equally I do not believe that conciousness can be extinguished therefore those I love who have passed on have "passed on" no more no less and we will be out of touch for a little while (I'm getting closer).
I wish I could reach out and hug you very hard.
That you are here speaks volumes for your strength at this time we all get exhausted in the battle with AL. We all crave oblivion in a battle with grief. Keep the AL battle going and accept that grief is going to take you to a lot of violent emotions; extreme sadness, anger, self doubt....oh just so many.
Could you post a little about each one of these people please. The things you love about them, the things you will or will not miss, the things you hate, the laughs and happenings. We would love to hear and it could help to do something like that...maybe???

Well done you!

Love

[life...take2]

Really rough day

Juja,

Given everything you are going through, 2 AF beers sounds fine to me.
And death is draining ---- the emotions associated with loss of a loved one are raw, unsettling, unnerving.

BUt just food for thought: If you decide to drink and numb yourself, everything you are running from and everything you do not want to feel will still be waiting for you except you will have to deal with a hangover along with everything else.

Your situation is a reminder for all of us: abstaining from booze IS NOT a cure all for all the stress and hurt and loss in our lives. Sobriety is not the same as a life without worry and sadness. If it were, people would never pick up the bottle to begin with. Sobriety is our chance to learn healthy ways to deal with life's difficulties. It teaches us how to reach out to others and ask for help from others instead of looking for solutions in a bottle - can't find love and human comfort in a bottle of poison.

Save yourself some money and leave the booze on the shelf. Wrap your arms around someone you trust/love --better yet, allow someone to do that for you!It's a cheaper more satisfying response to the very real pain you feel and that will not go away by burning your throat with poison.

:l

[noxy]

Really rough day

Hi Juja ... You are amazing , strong and keeping it together for your loved ones! Do it for yourself too! Lifes challenges are with us all .... Having lost both my parents to a tragic alcohol related accident ! I for one am torn between using it as a reason to stop or drowning my sadness with it. ! We here for you .... If you can't connect then just go to a silent place for a wee minute and take a deep breath, I for one will be thinking of you and all the amazing folks that I have come to know through. MW0 ! Hugs Juja. From noxy

[Juja]

Really rough day

I am awed by your concern for me, and the fact that so many of you took time to come to my aid. I need to read over your posts several times, and will respond later. Right now I'm speechless, and in tears. I have forgotten what it's like to have "close" friends.
I can't thank you enough.

I woke up feeling better, was so glad I didn't drink last night, so today is a brighter day.

Oh, I couldn't find L-Glut in my rural area, but will look for it when I'm out of town this weekend. It's a must.

Talk to you later.

Love to all,

Juja

[FlyAway]

Really rough day

Juja I am really happy that you're still here and not drinking. You made it through last night! How disappointing that you couldn't find L-Glut near you. It really helps a lot. You've got some major challenges this weekend. I'll be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts to give you strength. :l

[WineSucks]

Really rough day

Juja - Just wanted to check in and make sure you are okay. I'm sending BIG hugs to you! We are here for you.....you are amazing and strong and you can do whatever you set your mind to. Keep us updated.