Help Wth Husbands Depression/drinking

[Daya]

Hi Folks, I have posted here a bit, but feel I really need some advice/ support.

A bit of background on myself, I never really drank much, until my partner of 12 years and I got together. He is a heavy drinker, and after years of me going to Al anon, and trying to get him to give up, I think I subconsciously developed the "if you can't beat them, join them" mentality.

The result is that I developed a bottle of wine a night drinking habit, which has been devastating for me, with the usual results, depression, lack of control, blackouts, etc. (you all know the scenarios

I have tried to deal with this for a while, and decided a few weeks ago to get serious. Got the vitamins, MWO book, and have followed all the steps.

Here's the problem, I find it difficult not to drink whilst there is alcohol in the house, and whilst my partner is supportive of me(to a point) in giving up drinking, he has made it very clear he will not give up, and there will always be booze here.

To kick start my sober process, I asked him if he could go to our holiday home for a week, so I can have AL free space. he went, and this is my 5th day of no drinking !!!!!! The longest in 4 years haven't had a drink.

I feel clear, happy, calm, and strangely enough, except for a few twinges, haven't felt the urge to drink.

Anyway, my partner has just rung, he is horribly depressed (and has been for about 5 years) due to business problems, and is coming back early tomorrow. This doesn't give me the week I asked for.

We run the business together, I took over when his depression first started, as decisions had to be made, and have kept on running the business with him.

I feel now, that I can now longer deal with his depression, coupled with the constant nightly drinking, and I want him to address these issues. I have never offered him an ultimatum, but 5 years of his depression is killing my spirit.
I wonder if others are with a drinker, how you dealt with Alcohol always being there?

I love my partner very much, but there is a part of me that is angry, and I want him to start dealing with his issues.

Any advice is welcome.
Thanks.

[Wagoneer]

Help Wth Husbands Depression/drinking

Hi Daya - I am so happy you are doing well in your fight, even with the difficult situation you are in. First thing your partner needs to do is stop drinking. Drinking as you know is a depressant and for people with a depression problem it just exaccerbates it. If he can stop the booze, he can get a clearer view on how deep his depression really is. The depression may even be caused by the booze. He will not know unless he hets the poison out of his body. You need to stand firm. This is your life too. You cannot fix people....they need to want to be fixed. I tried to fix my ex....moved 2500 away from family so he could be with his so he could clean up. Rehab, counselling, nothing worked. He told me he "liked to drink and will never stiop". Then it escalated. Just got worse and worse. We divorced 10 years ago and he died from throat cancer as a result of booze and crack two years ago. A wasted life...and I had to make a painful decision to save myself and my kids. It was the best decision I ever made. Sad, yes, but the best. I wish you the best of luck and remember you need to be strong for YOU. Sorry for babbling.

[Daya]

Help Wth Husbands Depression/drinking

Hi Wagoneer,
Thanks so much for replying
I agree with what you say about the booze being a depressant, and like your partner, mine has also said he won't give up.
I gave him an ultimatum 5 years ago about cocaine, he did give that up.

You are to be admired, I know what it is like bringing up kids on your own, and your very brave to make that decision.

I don't know what will happen with us, I agree I need I need to look after me( something I have always had difficulty with)

Again, thanks for replying, your story is inspiring))

[Daya]

Help Wth Husbands Depression/drinking

Ps Wagoneer

That is what one of my fears is... That my partner wil put a bullet in his head if I leave him... I am very sorry to hear about your husband, but what you say is true, they have to want to help themselves.
You have been through a terrible time, and are very strong to do what you have done!

[Juja]

Help Wth Husbands Depression/drinking

Dear Daya,

I am sorry about your situation. And, I don't mean to sound harsh, but there needs to be a shift in thinking: if he refuses even to think about changing, then perhaps you need to think about what would be best for you, and make a change. By that I mean separating from him for awhile, and continuing in you effort to quit the AL. You deserve a decent life. He is responsible for getting help for his depression and drinking.

You run the business, right? Obviously, you're capable of a great deal. Without AL, you could do, and be, even more.

It's horrible to watch someone you love destroy himself, and your life together. My uncle was an alcoholic, but still alive, and in a nursing home with alcoholic dementia. His drinking made my kind aunt a bitter, but stronger, woman. She continued with her own life, and has managed to remain a sane person, but only because she refused to let his drinking control her. The cost of keeping him in a care facility will take all the money they have, and she cries because everything she's worked so hard for will be lost, due to his drinking. I am ultimately responsible for her care, so the burden of getting the gov't to care of her as she declines will fall on me. My uncle's drinking will affect me, as well. Is that what you want?

My heart goes out to you, and I wish you strength and peace.

Juja

[bwendo]

Help Wth Husbands Depression/drinking

Daya,
I'm certain of only one thing - that so long as you keep making allowances for your partner, you will need to keep making allowances for your partner.

Like the other contributors to this thread, perhaps something stronger is required - as in moving on. I appreciate how much hard work this would be for you, but it looks as though there isn't much other option.