dwi. feelings afterward. does it get better?

[Abielle]

i have nine days this time.
i figure i might as well see how long i can go. there is no good reason to have a drink.
i have been reading memoirs of alcoholics recently. "drinking, a love story," by caroline knapp...and "dry" by augusten burroughs. i really never thought of myself as an alcoholic, but i can relate to some of what they have written.
i could always handle just having a drink or two. sometimes none at all. then, five years ago, something changed. i just started drinking. for no good reason. it became a daily affair. it was what everyone around me did. it was normal in the circles i associated in. i did it to be social. i did it out of boredom. i did it out of habit. then, i just did it for no good reason at all.
three months ago, my life became utter hell when i got into a car accident after a couple beers. i totalled my car. luckily no-one else was involved. i missed a stop sign, went off the road and hit something. i got a dwi. i go to court on monday for it.
in the past three months, i have gotten drunk twice. i have had a couple beers maybe three other times. i do think, that in time, i can practice moderation. but for now, i have decided to be abstinent until at least thanksgiving.

the hardest part is the shame i am dealing with right now. when people smile at me, or are nice to me...all i can think is,"they don't know what a horrible person i am, they don't know what i did. i don't deserve kindness. i am a bad person." i feel so sick inside about this whole ordeal. and i am so afraid of what court will be like.

i don't know how to get past these feelings. i don't know how i will get through this. any suggestions anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated.

[akazia21]

dwi. feelings afterward. does it get better?

You're not a horrible person first off. You made a mistake, and fortunately no one else was hurt-or you-you can learn from this and please do.
I personally have 3 DUI's already. I can't give you an idea of what court will be like unless you are in colorado, but for my 2nd I got 90 days, my 3rd 1 year, and my 4th will be prison for a while. Addiction sucks, I only have 12 days or so right now. Fortunately since 2006 I have an interlock in my car so I can't drive drunk-it will be removed next month and I need to not drink anymore. I am a horrible person drunk, but a very nice person sober. Alcohol gives me a different personality and I hate that personality, but not my sober personality if that makes any sense.
I have a four year old daughter, and even with her, and my DUI's I have found it a hard battle to fight-after five days or so it's like I forget everything bad alcohol has given me. Nine days is great...just try to remember that every feeling passes in time-drowning them in alcohol only makes things worse, not better.
You will be okay, you can get past this, just try not to dwell on your mistakes, learn and move on and try your best not to repeat them
YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON!
Good luck

[FlyAway]

dwi. feelings afterward. does it get better?

Abielle shame and self-loathing seem to go hand in hand with drinking to excess. Yet after a few sober days we start thinking about drinking again and forget how truly horrible alcohol makes us feel physically and mentally. You made a mistake. Be grateful that no one was hurt. Maybe someone was trying to send you a message.

[Juja]

dwi. feelings afterward. does it get better?

Abielle,

You, we, aren't perfect. Don't you like knowing that? (It was a relief to me when it finally hit me.) You're human, and human beings make mistakes.

You're wasting precious time feeling so bad about yourself. These things happen all the time, and many, many times the situations are much worse. Please forgive yourself, be grateful it wasn't worse, and as a friend of mine would say, "Hush, now, and put it to bed." Her "hush" isn't an admonition, it means everything, including you, is okay. It's meant to be soothing.

So, please know you're not a terrible person who deserves to be flogged. Yes, you'll pay, but you'll survive, and be stronger and wiser from the whole ordeal. You already are, I imagine.

Forgive yourself, vow to never drink and drive, take your punishment, and move on. You aren't a serial killer, or a child rapist. They're terrible people. You got a DWI, but didn't hurt anyone else! What a relief that must be. You're not alone; you've got company here, and I can tell you they're wonderful people who have survived these same crises.

Hush, now, and put it to bed. All will be well.

XOXO

Juja

[WineSucks]

dwi. feelings afterward. does it get better?

Abielle - I just wanted to say hello and offer support. First of all, you need to let go of the thought that you are a horrible person. As the others have said, you aren't horrible, you made a bad choice. Luckily, you have the opportunity to learn from it and have a brighter future. I think that part of the trap that keeps us drinking is the self-loathing that can become self-sabatoge...it makes us think we don't deserve sobriety and it just keeps us in the circle of hell and makes us keep drinking. I believe we go through things in life so that we can help others.....you are helping others just by posting on this website.

Keep on moving forward and don't look back....the past is gone. It's not about what you did, it's about what your going to do......get through court Monday, deal with the consequences and then move on to the better life that you deserve. Stay here with us on MWO...the support is amazing and believe me, not all of us have had a DUI but we understand. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers...let us know how it goes.

[Juja]

dwi. feelings afterward. does it get better?

WS is right: not everyone here has had a DWI, and I didn't mean to imply that they had. I haven't, but I almost ran over someone in a parking lot one night because I was drunk. He had to jump out of my way. I was pretty quiet that night, in shock I think, and couldn't believe I did it, but time helped me forgive myself. I've had some pretty ugly bruises from falling down drunk, said some nasty things to people, but I've made amends with myself and them.

Time will help you get past this, and the negative emotions you're having will fade. Roll with them. Just don't make the same mistake twice; that's all you can do.

[ThreeDogNight]

dwi. feelings afterward. does it get better?

Hi, Abielle.

I can so relate to what you are feeling and going through. Got a DUI on May 23, very high BAC, in a neighboring state. Horrible experience, and I had to spend the night in the police station. My sister is an attorney and arranged for her friend (criminal law attorney) to represent me. He has been a major disappointment, although my sister refuses to see this. I went to a two week rehab, did really well, felt good, no cravings, took all my supplements, etc. Came home and my husband triggered me (unintentionally) and I drank. Have had drinks off and on, but am starting Seven Weeks To Sobriety nutritional program and am determined to get back to sobriety. But I understand the feelings of self loathing and disgust and shame. I had to give up a sales job (was going to do it anyway) and take a job waitressing so that my husband can drive me to/from. We used to socialize a lot, but that has dropped off for now. And I don't live in a place where I can walk anywhere--even to a store.

It seems that you have been without a license for 3 months and are just going to court now, too. I went once on June 6 (a two and a half hour drive one way) and was scheduled to go back July 14, but was in rehab, as encouraged by the attorney. he was going to try to move it up a week, but I heard nothing from him, called and he said I'd be going on August 29! I finally pushed him and I go on Monday, like you. Now he is telling me that the time I've already been without a license will not count toward the time they sentence me for--plus the state I live in has much stricter laws and he still isn't sure what this will involve. Also told me TWICE that he thought that technically I could drive in my state--then said I could drive in the state where I got the DUI. I should have gotten another attorney two months ago, but I'd already paid this one. I hope that you have a better lawyer. Has he or she told you if your three months will count when you are sentenced? And why has it been three months before court date? This is so frustrating and it does not help our mental states. I know that several people here have said to move on and put this to rest, but the constant worrying and wondering--well, I was able to put it out of my mind while in rehab, but back in "reality," it is hard.

So I have rambled on as usual, but I feel your pain, I really do. I know at heart that I am a good person, care about others so much, but the DUI was an experience that left me feeling nothing but shame.

Sned me a PM if you'd like. I wish you a lot of luck on Monday!

TDN

[Abielle]

dwi. feelings afterward. does it get better?

Thank you all for your support. I really appreciate your responses. I am taking it one day at a time now, trying not to worry about court until tomorrow night, when I prepare, iron my clothes, etc. I don't even know what to wear to court. My partner might be out of town then, and, that day, my mom comes from Michigan to that night visit me for a few days. Talk about stressful.
I have to face this head on, alone.
But, I did it alone. So, it makes sense.
I am just afraid of the jail time. But i am not going to think about that now. I am just going to go to work and get on with my day.

[daisy45]

dwi. feelings afterward. does it get better?

You may be alone, but dont forget everyone here. You have support. Our thoughts are with you. Good luck