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**noxy** · August 5, 2011, 01:28 AM

I am so tired....

Dearest Juja... Sorry that you are feeling this way !! I can only imagine what you are going through !!! ... YES, I consider you my friend too ! as I am sure does everybody else with whom you have had any contact here !!! I am sure hubby means well ... cant be easy for him either... stay strong dear Juja ... keep on posting .. someone is always here to read your posts .. its early morning here and I am sure that you are sleeping right now.. I hope when you wake up things will seem less daunting !!! :l:l and :h:h from noxy

**jessie** · August 5, 2011, 01:51 AM

I am so tired....

It's healthy to air those feelings once in a while - which makes MWO such a great site.

**Juja** · August 5, 2011, 05:45 AM

I am so tired....

Noxy,Thanks for the hugs and response. I needed both.:l

Jessie, It helped to tell you about my day, and I'm glad you didn't mind.:l:l

Day 20, and I won't blow it.

**Treya** · August 5, 2011, 06:19 AM

I am so tired....

Hey Juja,
You have every right to be pissed off! I would be too in your shoes.
Since I can't be there to help in person, have a metaphorical hug.
I don't know what to say or so that could help your circumstances but I've just put up a prayer for you. Maybe it'll help. I sure hope so.
Treya

**Lavande** · August 5, 2011, 08:15 AM

I am so tired....

The Serenity Prayer comes to mind

Life is what it is but we don't have to choose to drink!
Be true to yourself & your commitment, you won't be sorry.

**Queenbug** · August 5, 2011, 05:31 PM

I am so tired....

Hey Juja my friend! How are you feeling now? Day 20 is amazing and you should be really proud.
Vent away sweet...better out than in I say..
Big love xx

**WineSucks** · August 5, 2011, 06:00 PM

I am so tired....

Hey Juja - We are your friends and we are here for you. Like Queen said....VENT AWAY! I'll be keeping you and your family in my prayers tomorrow. I'm sorry that this is an extremely stressful time. You are doing amazing so keep it up.

Sending hugs your way....

WS

**Juja** · August 7, 2011, 12:49 AM

I am so tired....

WS, QB, Lavande, Treya, Mollyka, et al,

Thank you for you kind words of support, and prayers. I'm not a praying person myself, but I'll take anything I can get from those of you who are.

The day with my father yesterday went perfectly; we picked up Mom's urn, saw their financial advisor, and got clarification on funeral pre-arrangements. He didn't get irrational or angry, and was extremely appreciative of my support. I think, after having been in his life for 58 years, he's realizing what kind of person I am. Finally, he may have an inkling about the goodness in his second daughter, whom he has ignored most of my life. (Lightbulb smilie.) I'm don't mean to be blowing my own horn here.... it has been my main goal in life to be a good and decent human being, and most of the time I'm able to attain it. It's not that hard, really. I don't understand why it's so difficult for others. Regardless, your good vibes and prayers helped me, I'm sure.

Today was different, to say the least. My DH and I went to visit my beloved uncle, who's in a care facility with dementia, and then my mother, who's also in a care facility due to a stroke. My uncle got furious with me when I tried to pad his knee because I was afraid he would bruise himself. His skin's so fragile, he bruises easily. Well, among other things, he yelled "F*** you, goddamn it!," and raised his fist to hit me. Yikes. I realized it was the dementia talking, but it was still a shocker. He's never spoken or acted like that, but I know it can be typical of those patients. I recovered, got him some assistance, told him I loved him and left. Whew. My DH was blown away.

Mom was good, but needed things done, which I was glad to do--buy panties, mend some clothes, hang her clothes out for the a.m. Had to run and buy underwear before picking up MIL for dinner. (Dinner was the same old story. MIL didn't push too badly on AL. I think she's finally respecting my boundaries.)

What really got to me was taking the panties to Mom after dinner, and seeing her sitting all alone in a wheelchair, with nothing to do, and nothing going on around her. She can barely hear, see, or speak, and it gets to me sometimes. I cried when I finally got back to the car. It's hard. I've done all I can possibly do for her, within my budget, and I feel at a loss as to what else to do. I did order her a talking watch tonight, and that made me feel better. Sigh. I wish I could afford a Bose radio with ear buds and a remote for her. She loves listening to the radio. I have to figure that one out next.

DH was unnecessarily prickly tonight. I called him on it, but got a smart-ass comeback. He softened after I started crying in the car.

I know this will end, but what hell am I'm going to go through before that? Same as everyone else. No one knows. It's life, and it's end. We have to take the bad with the good.

As of tonight, I've made it 3 weeks AF. I did have a couple of NA beers, but I'm not counting that, regardless of what others say. I'll get there, but I'm still AF as far as I'm concerned.

Sorry for the rambling post, but I'm glad I could tell someone--my buds.:h:h

Tuckage, as the Underoos would say, and sweet dreams.:lipstick::lipstick::lipstick:

Juja

**FlyAway** · August 7, 2011, 07:00 AM

I am so tired....

Juja I am so proud of you and your resolve to stay sober. You're going through so much turmoil right now and it would be so easy to justify why you deserve a drink. But you know that alcohol is not going to make any of this better.

Dementia/nursing homes are very hard to deal with. My mom is in a nursing home now and she has dementia too. You're right about your uncle, it's the dementia making him act that way. I've heard that dementia patients can become violent. That hasn't happened yet with my mom, but "my mom" is really gone. I go and visit the shell that used to be my mom, but she's already passed on in a way. I find it very difficult to be in the homes themselves. The residents are like prisoners there and they're like prisoners in their bodies too. My mother would be mortified to see how she is now. She would never want to live this way. But what choice is there? My sister and I took care of her for 2 years until she fell and broke her pelvis. Now she can't walk on her own. We can't lift her. It is just a horrible situation.

I don't want to make this about me, but I do want you to know that I understand how hard this is for you. I'm not sure my husband actually "gets" it sometimes, and that emotionally I'm on edge a lot. Do you have a way to unwind or destress? I'm still trying to find one myself. :l

**Juja** · August 7, 2011, 09:33 AM

I am so tired....

Flyaway's Quote: "Dementia/nursing homes are very hard to deal with. My mom is in a nursing home now and she has dementia too. You're right about your uncle, it's the dementia making him act that way. I've heard that dementia patients can become violent. That hasn't happened yet with my mom, but "my mom" is really gone. I go and visit the shell that used to be my mom, but she's already passed on in a way. I find it very difficult to be in the homes themselves. The residents are like prisoners there and they're like prisoners in their bodies too. My mother would be mortified to see how she is now. She would never want to live this way. But what choice is there? My sister and I took care of her for 2 years until she fell and broke her pelvis. Now she can't walk on her own. We can't lift her. It is just a horrible situation."

Ah, so you understand, Fly. I'm sorry for your troubles, too. But, what can we do? I try to remind myself how much worse it must have been 100, 200 years ago, when family members had to deal with these situations 24/7--no relief for excrutiating pain, horrendous deaths, few doctors or nurses to assist or offer advice. Those thoughts help me because at least I know my mother is getting professional care. BUT, it doesn't change the fact that it's emotionally draining and heartbreaking for us. We'll survive, with meaningful lessons learned, I'm sure.

I haven't found a destressor, either. I like to walk, but it is so incredibly hot here, that I barely go outside. The heat won't abate this summer. The runners and gym enthusiasts here make me feel like such a loser! Oh, well, what's another battle? We'll find something--books work best for me, when I find time to read.

Have a good Sunday, Dear Flyaway! Everyone else, too!:l

**tonstantweader** · August 7, 2011, 09:44 AM

I am so tired....

Hang in there

Hi,
I'm new here, but wanted to offer my support also. I only had to care for one ailing parent, so I can't quite grasp what it is like to deal with several ailing relatives at once. But I keep remembering a sign at the alcohol rehab place where my father worked for many years and where I practically grew up (I know, oh, the irony!): "Nothing is so bad a drink won't make it worse."
As someone who has been AF a whole 6 days now, I speak from experience! This will end some day and it is ok to feel resentful and bitter some days about your situation. But all things pass eventually.

**Queenbug** · August 8, 2011, 05:35 PM

I am so tired....

Hey Juja....you hang on in there petal....sounds so hard for you...wish there was something I could do to help practically....
And still AF for 3 weeks...you are amazing...
Hope that you are resting up a bit now...
Big love

xxxx

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