Back on the Chain Gang

[HowDryIAm]

Couple weeks ago I decided I need to quit drinking. In most ways I have not bottomed out, but the drinking is putting "the squeeze" on all aspects of life. Everything feels like it requires more effort and provides less reward.

One area where I am seriously disappointed is my weight. I've gained about 40 pounds in the last two years. It's to the point where people point it out. "Hi there, boy you put on some weight, huh?" I seriously want to punch a hole through their faces. Why do people think it's perfectly okay to comment negatively about other people's weight? I never did that when I was thin.

It's rude as hell. But, it's the way of the world, and the world isn't fair. And moreover, I know I can be fit and healthy, and the reason I'm not is my own stupid fault.

So I've tried doing the juggling act of getting into shape while simultaneously drinking at an excessive level and of course it's a fool's errand. Step 1, get off the booze. Step 2, get back in shape.

I've since spent time doing some research and getting some gear together. I've started on the following supplements.

Supplements:

1. Daily high potency Multi-vitamin/mineral. Omega 3.
2. St. John's Wort (Nature's Way brand). 2 before bed, one in the morning.
3. Nature's Way Kudzu. 2 pills, three times per day. Morning, lunch evening/bed.

I have used 2 in the past for mild depression and believe it's a solid product. No idea if 3 is good or not, and the verdict is still out on Kudzu.

Diet:

This is a real struggle. For starters I've loaded up the fridge with much healthier food. At lunch I drink a health shake and some cereal with extra trail mix added. However, I am allowing myself comfort foods while I deal with the alcohol cravings. Though, it's sometimes difficult to not feel guilty after eating a bunch of crap.

Exercise:

So far it's been three hikes per week, around 4 - 5 miles and plenty of hills and such. This feels great! I'm just starting out so no improvement in weight yet. Eventually I will ramp up to jogging. I'm starting really mellow because when I overdo it and am sore for a couple days, I seem to get intense cravings. So the 4 - 5 mile hikes are perfect, no soreness the next day and it helps me sleep.

Sleep:

Another problem area for me. I think the booze has turned me into a weird night creature and I often have insomnia, which in retrospect may have been low-grade withdrawal all along. Yet, I don't help things since I often surf the internet on my laptop in bed. It's technically a work laptop, so back to work it will go.

[HowDryIAm]

Back on the Chain Gang

Friday 2:30. No cravings currently. Wasn't hungry (ate late last night) but ate a small bowl of cereal at lunch so I could take supplements.

Late last night was feeling stressed, probably social anxiety after leaving a party (non-drinking party). Considered hitting the bar. Changed my mind and decided to get cigarettes instead. Corner store closed. Considered the bar again, but ended up getting cigarettes at the gas station.

Went home and played a video game till 1 am. Drank two beers and no additional cravings. Was mostly satisfied after first beer but got a second out of habit. Went to bed but couldn't sleep. Up until around 3:30. Watched part of Lethal Weapon 2. Ate two pieces of leftover pizza.

Woke up feeling tired and very sleep deprived. Almost capitulated to going into work an hour late for an extra hour of sleep, but remembered I had a meeting so pulled myself awake. Finally "woke up" around 10 am. Meeting went fine.

Normally, on such limited sleep I would have cravings now since Tuesday was my last binge of six drinks. I think the SJ Wort and maybe the Kudzu are doing something.

Feel slightly zombi-ish from the SJ Wort but not too bad, and it's a different feeling from sleep deprivation, or is maybe modifying the sleep deprivation sensation, blunting the nervous and twitchy sensations. Dose is too high for mild depression but it seems to be beating down the booze cravings so I'll go with it for at least two to three weeks before dropping dose.

Have a volunteer gig after work. Long day, little sleep so the cravings may hit me this evening. Seeing if GF is up for getting together afterward to head that off.

[crimsons]

Back on the Chain Gang

Hi HowDry, I'm on Day 2 myself. Sounds like you're right where I am!! But seems like you have a lot of healthy stuff in place already and you're doing great with diet and exercise. I finally joined Weight Watchers for the first time. The evening meetings may keep me out of trouble, and I'm hoping the weigh-ins will inspire me to do healthy things. I gained 60 -- fast -- and have lost 25. Still no matter what you eat, I bet the absence of AL will work magic on weight loss.

I know about the "weight comments." Why oh why would anyone say that? My favorite was when I was schlumping around in the neighborhood and someone I knew said, "WOW! You've really packed on the pounds!" Just what a 51 yo lady wants to hear.

I've been taking a homeopathic sleep remedy that works for me. The first is called Lachesis, you get it OTC at homeopathic pharmacies online. The second is Sleep Rescue Spray made by Bach, and health food stores carry it. Both are totally legal and don't make you foggy. I think the Lachesis is especially good for women of my vintage. No matter what your age tho, might be worth a try.

Keep up the good work!

[HowDryIAm]

Back on the Chain Gang

crimsons;1165831 wrote: Hi HowDry, I'm on Day 2 myself. Sounds like you're right where I am!! But seems like you have a lot of healthy stuff in place already and you're doing great with diet and exercise. I finally joined Weight Watchers for the first time. The evening meetings may keep me out of trouble, and I'm hoping the weigh-ins will inspire me to do healthy things. I gained 60 -- fast -- and have lost 25. Still no matter what you eat, I bet the absence of AL will work magic on weight loss.


No, my diet and exercise are overall terrible, but I'm taking those first few steps in a positive direction. A buddy of mine doesn't have problems with booze but he had bad weight problems. He finally got on a diet from his doc and lost a bunch of weight. He is still a big guy but not crazy big. So I drag him out for the hikes and he is taking to it somewhat.

crimsons;1165831 wrote:

I know about the "weight comments." Why oh why would anyone say that? My favorite was when I was schlumping around in the neighborhood and someone I knew said, "WOW! You've really packed on the pounds!" Just what a 51 yo lady wants to hear.

Yeah, when it happens I want a punch a hole through their heads. "Wow, your complexion has gotten much worse since I last saw you." Nobody would think to say something like that, but it's like there's a free pass on fatty comments.

I get my hair cut at a shop and one of three different women cut it depending on who is available - I'm not picky. One of them made a comment and I shot back "that's not a good way to earn a tip." I don't even think she realized how offensive she was, so then I had to endure the next tiresome half hour of her apologizing over and over and over. And of course, to "make up" for it, she took extra care and time to cut my hair, lengthening the whole ordeal. Jeez, just STFU and cut my hair already.

crimsons;1165831 wrote:

I've been taking a homeopathic sleep remedy that works for me. The first is called Lachesis, you get it OTC at homeopathic pharmacies online. The second is Sleep Rescue Spray made by Bach, and health food stores carry it. Both are totally legal and don't make you foggy. I think the Lachesis is especially good for women of my vintage. No matter what your age tho, might be worth a try.

Keep up the good work!

I have occasionally taken melatonin or a dose of nighttime theraflu. Either one can make me groggy. I will look into those you mentioned.

Good luck to you as well!!

[HowDryIAm]

Back on the Chain Gang

Friday 4:30 PM. I have a little bit of the shakes in my hands, but oddly no acute cravings. I think my blood sugar is whacked out and is the cause, but normally such a scenario would be accompanied by lots of other symptoms, such as being easily excited, anxious, mood swings, etc. which in turn would cause very intense cravings. I am feeling a little agitated, but not terribly so, and mostly because of my physical symptoms.

Not sure what happens next because typically I would be on my way home with a stop to the liquor store by now. Just ate some fruit strips to try and get my blood sugar back up, and drank some pineapple juice. Tonight might be a fight.

[ATLThrash]

Back on the Chain Gang

How and Crimsons-- I can totally relate to what you all are saying. I think it is so rough to have once been in good shape or thin and then one day someone takes a picture of you or something and you lose it because you look so enormous! I gained so much weight while pregnant and was losing then we had a family crisis and that derailed my focus. It was during that time that I formed bad drinking habits to go along with the pregnancy food habits I had developed (loads of food at all hours). When I delivered I was 210. Pre-baby I was 135 and had pretty much stayed there all my adult life (I am 44). After delivery I got down to 160 then the drinking started. Stayed at 180 for about 4 years and then last summer gained 10 more pounds after hitting the bottle as if my life depended on it (hee)! Besides all the AL related issues (feeling depressed, out of control and anxious) I have added to and exacerbated this weight issue. I feel sure not drinking will in time help me with some loss-- it is now to early to tell and I can say last week- I gorged on food all week so I probably am even heavier now. My mother in law who is probably an alcoholic (can't say for sure because I am not her but my husband thinks so) recently had some bp probs and stopped her nightly wine and Scotch-- this is a 75 year old lady and she lost 20 lbs in 3 weeks! So I am pretty sure that eliminating booze is the X factor along with diet and exercise. I don't know about ya'll but when I drink even if not hungover I eat crud and do not feel like exercising.

As for the comments-- I really feel as if now the obese and smokers are 2 groups folks seem to think they can insult and kick around with impunity! Strange too because in the US-- a huge percentage of us are obese. Last summer I was in a restaurant with my husband and child and saw a former colleague of mine from work-- he actually came up to me and told me he would not have known me had he not seen my husband since I was "so much bigger" as he said! You would think that would have inspired a huge fitness overhaul but it didn't.. Good luck with the AL and fitness-- I am trying too-- I am hoping to lose 40 lbs by Xmas and go from there but if I lose anything I will feel a load better

[Turnagain]

Back on the Chain Gang

Over the years I have morphed (more like exploded) from a Size 2 petite to a SIZE 2 X. My thyroid stopped working about 4 years ago - it was laced with suspicious nodules so it had to come out. As if that wasn't a recipe for weight gain, I was drinking 10-12 beers a day...alternating with that a litre plus of wine....

I'm now teetering at 200 pounds and even having stopped ALL drinking and eating a very healthy organic, gluten free diet...the pounds are coming off sloooowly. I can't exercise the way I would like to. Both knees have meniscus issues and need surgery. I walk as much as my joints will permit and do a lot of upper body stuff.

I can say this...I am not GAINING weight anymore and I am sober. That is sure something to be proud of. And I'm hopeful again for the first time....in a long time.

Alt, How and Crims - wishing you the best as you work to regain control over all areas of your lives....I'd love to keep up with your progress - it's inspiring.

[HowDryIAm]

Back on the Chain Gang

ATLThrash;1166187 wrote: How and Crimsons-- I can totally relate to what you all are saying. I think it is so rough to have once been in good shape or thin and then one day someone takes a picture of you or something and you lose it because you look so enormous! I gained so much weight while pregnant and was losing then we had a family crisis and that derailed my focus. It was during that time that I formed bad drinking habits to go along with the pregnancy food habits I had developed (loads of food at all hours). When I delivered I was 210. Pre-baby I was 135 and had pretty much stayed there all my adult life (I am 44). After delivery I got down to 160 then the drinking started. Stayed at 180 for about 4 years and then last summer gained 10 more pounds after hitting the bottle as if my life depended on it (hee)! Besides all the AL related issues (feeling depressed, out of control and anxious) I have added to and exacerbated this weight issue. I feel sure not drinking will in time help me with some loss-- it is now to early to tell and I can say last week- I gorged on food all week so I probably am even heavier now. My mother in law who is probably an alcoholic (can't say for sure because I am not her but my husband thinks so) recently had some bp probs and stopped her nightly wine and Scotch-- this is a 75 year old lady and she lost 20 lbs in 3 weeks! So I am pretty sure that eliminating booze is the X factor along with diet and exercise. I don't know about ya'll but when I drink even if not hungover I eat crud and do not feel like exercising.

As for the comments-- I really feel as if now the obese and smokers are 2 groups folks seem to think they can insult and kick around with impunity! Strange too because in the US-- a huge percentage of us are obese. Last summer I was in a restaurant with my husband and child and saw a former colleague of mine from work-- he actually came up to me and told me he would not have known me had he not seen my husband since I was "so much bigger" as he said! You would think that would have inspired a huge fitness overhaul but it didn't.. Good luck with the AL and fitness-- I am trying too-- I am hoping to lose 40 lbs by Xmas and go from there but if I lose anything I will feel a load better

Yes, it's not fair, but I myself admit when I encounter people who are very heavy, there is a prejudice in play. I know my own current weight is a reflection of my lack of control in that area, and I've had great control in the past. I don't fault the world for having that same prejudice against me - to think otherwise would make me a hypocrite. But I just don't like the rudeness I've encountered of people pointing it out.

Maybe in the long run I am thankful for them. They've made it impossible to deny my weight gain, and that in turn has spurned me to making a change.

As for my drinking, weight is just "one more thing" that causes me stress. It's not an outright trigger to drink, but adds to the overall load of work, etc. It's similar to the stress of long term goals unfulfilled. "I should get a master degree." "I should move into this direction in my career." Things I know I am capable of, but instead of getting my sh*t together and making that move, I just "maintain" where I'm at, or accept a slow slide into mediocrity, because of the booze.

[ATLThrash]

Back on the Chain Gang

How--Funny you should say that about prejudice becuase despite the hurt or lousy feelings I have about being a load now-- I do know from being on the other side that it is something that can be partially or totally controlled by us (except for some medical issues like the thyroid). If and when I get back to the old me I hope I will look at the overweight with compassion and not contempt like I used to -- I do not know what lead to their gain and cannot assume it is a lack of caring or laziness-- I certainly care and do not think I am lazy but here I am! I agree that the rudeness is really the issue with me. I do not accept that it is right, healthy or attractive to be so large. I always am floored when I see people losing their minds over teaching kids to eat better and exercise-- with them saying that that damages the child and they should be embraced. I do not think a child should be bullied about it but at the same time there are risks inherent in being overweight and they are much more serious than just looking bad. Better to confront those issues up front now instead of getting into really serious ones later. I hate wen kids are down or hurt but if they don't learn good habits early and that being very large is not good for loads of reasons it is actually a gift in my mind.

I often have described myself as being plagued by inertia-- I was unhappy but was not doing much to start to address that. I KNOW that is booze taking over as it it is really the only factor that has changed in my life since I developed these feelings. Sounds like you may be struggling with the same. I actually took the time to do a big time plan on all fronts this week because what I was doing was basically the "wing and a prayer plan" and was not working.

Turn-- My dad had thyroid cancer and his thyroid was removed last summer. His meds are still not regulated and he suffers from being tired. He is a very disciplined man and makes himself exercise and eat well and as a result he has actually lost weight (he did not need to in my book). One thing he did do was stop drinking Al completely-- he never drank much but he thinks it has made ametabolic difference for him for the good.

[HowDryIAm]

Back on the Chain Gang

Sat 10am. Last night was indeed a struggle, but ended on a good note overall.

Shortly after my last post, the shakes began to subside a bit.

I went to my volunteer gig and on the way I bought a snickers. Shakes and low blood sugar feeling were completely gone by 6pm.

Traffic sucked but I didn't get riled. The gig went okay, except I had to be Mr Social. Given my current withdrawal situation and lack of sleep, this is a danger zone.

On my way home the cravings really hit and it felt pretty acute. I contemplated stopping at the bar. I knew I had two beers in the fridge and decided I would see if those were enough. They are fairly low alcohol Trumer Pilsner (4.9% alc)

I fired up a video game and opened a beer. After one beer the craving had substantially subsided. I popped my 2 evening tablets of kudzu. Halfway into the second, the craving was gone. I didn't finish the second one.

This is pretty encouraging. I know myself pretty well at this point. Under the normal run of things with the level of craving I was feeling I would likely have had 5 - 8 drinks, in the form of a bottle and half of zinfandel, or a 375 of whiskey. I'd be feeling like crap right now with a significant hangover. I think the Kudzu and SJ Wort combo is working for me (plus, of course, some will power).

I think maybe the kudzu is short lasting. Normally my cravings come on in the afternoon, as early as 2pm but typically around 4pm, in anticipation of the end of the work day. That didn't happen, but they kicked in around 8pm instead. My last dose of Kudzu had been around 1pm. I will experiment with taking my evening dose earlier, around 5 or 6 pm, to see if there's a difference. The trigger could have also been the social situation, so nothing is certain.

Slept okay, not great. Watched rest of Lethal Weapon 2 then watched Lethal Weapon 1. Ate a big piece of pizza. It was delicious. Went to sleep at 1am, woke at 6:30 but managed to fall back asleep. Woke again at 9:30.

Stomach feels a little crappy, probably due to late night pizza but SJ Wort can do that too.

[HowDryIAm]

Back on the Chain Gang

One of the symptoms I get where I know I'm in trouble (undeniable cravings) is this weird taste in my mouth. It's sort of a slightly metallic taste or tingly tongue sensation.

Sometimes if I resist one night, the next morning I'll wake with this sensation. I'll also feel agitated and fatigued, even if I slept through the night.

This is a relatively new sensation and I only recall it within the last year. It may have something to do with my weight gain and my blood sugar getting more and more out of whack. I wonder if anyone else gets this symptom.

[HowDryIAm]

Back on the Chain Gang

ATLThrash;1166225 wrote:

I often have described myself as being plagued by inertia-- I was unhappy but was not doing much to start to address that. I KNOW that is booze taking over as it it is really the only factor that has changed in my life since I developed these feelings. Sounds like you may be struggling with the same. I actually took the time to do a big time plan on all fronts this week because what I was doing was basically the "wing and a prayer plan" and was not working.

Yes, exactly. During heavier drinking periods, doing anything new or different (even leisure activities) feels like a major effort. I will re-read favorite novels, but the idea of trying out a new author just feels like too much. The effort of those first 100 pages to get used to the author's style, and maybe I won't like him/her/the story anyway. Even a "re-run" of a favorite novel feels more worthwhile than the possibility of finding a new favorite.

When I am at the bar getting drunk, I always put the tried and true on the jukebox. Even when picking an artist I like I won't typically pick one of their songs I haven't heard before.

But while it manifests in many different ways, I know exactly why it is happening. It's the very nature of addiction to reduce the amount of pleasure one can obtain from activities other than drinking. My world shrinks gradually.

At first the occasional pleasures are forsaken, things like going to Plays. When I'm alcohol free, I like going to Plays, but I'm hardly a theater buff. I might go to six in a year. I might initiate the idea with my friends or girlfriend to go to a play, and if invited I likely wouldn't hesitate, even if the subject wasn't really my thing. Just go for "the experience" and "something new".

As my alcohol use increases, at first I will not initiate, but would go if invited, and I just wouldn't get all that excited. I would be more critical of the experience, disgusted by theater snobs, annoyed at the crowds, irritated by over-stimulation.

As it further increases I would only go if invited and the subject matter was really up my alley. Even then the experience would be surrounded with anxiety. I would probably drink at the event to try and enjoy it. I'd probably talk my companions into going to a bar afterwards. I would have a feeling of just wanting to get the theater part over and done with. I only participate out of a sense of social obligation.

[HowDryIAm]

Back on the Chain Gang

Fell out.

The two triggers were lots of social activity tonight, maybe too much, but also a voice mail from my bro. Turns out his kid is developmentally disabled, at best, but possibly autistic.

The flooring of me took a few drinks to fully absorb, but then felt 10x emotionally and I had to respond heart-felt. Couldn't feel it till I had a few drinks.

Damn. Why'd I do that? So stupid. At times like this, a lucid and logical approach is needed.

Tomorrow, start again.

[HowDryIAm]

Back on the Chain Gang

I used to be an altar boy when I was young.

I never suffered ill-fate at the hands of priests, don't worry.

I used to perform Masses. My brothers and I were a team. We three brothers always showed up on time to serve Sunday mass, even the early ones, like at 7am. We were the "go-to" team for special events, such as the Stations of the Cross Mass (7 hours), or midnight mass on Christmas.

As time went on and my faith wavered, I was often asked to serve a Funeral, often times during school class time (which was also an excuse to get out of class).

The thing about Funerals is that we often got "tipped". After the funeral procession led out, some faceless person would push an envelope into our hands with $5. To this day, I have no idea who that person was, but he was always there.

That was a lot of money to us kids in those days. It could buy a month's worth of comic books or several days of video games, a Transformers toy, etc.

There was some part of me that hated all that, felt wrong.

Someone had died, their legacy was now supposedly being revered. It was a finality of a life, and I took it as such. I performed funeral duties with utmost reverence as I hoped they'd be for me.

I guess in my heart of hearts, I want the death of someone to not be about money at all, but about a celebration of their contributions in life. The tip... it always felt cheap. But, we spent it, as kids do. Life goes on.

As a result, even at age 10, I carried out funeral duties with a sense of reverence.

When I was around 15 my father's close friend had died and he asked me and my brothers to Serve the funeral.

I was done with funerals at that point, had seen too many. Too many dead sonsofbitches, caskets, hearing their legacies, memories, crying mothers, kids agony.

Pops put so much pressure on me, I finally went through with it. I hated him for it. I still do, in a way.

Did the duty, but didn't feel it.

[Juja]

Back on the Chain Gang

Very interesting, HDIA.

We do many, many duties without the "proper" feeling attached. We do what we're supposed to do, not because we're martyrs, but because we're adults and have responsibilities to meet.

I'm the POA, Medical Agent and executor for my aunt and uncle's estate. I told them I detested that sort of thing, didn't want to do it, but they really wanted me to, so I agreed. They trust me and my judgment. So, I'm doing it, and hate every minute of it. I'd rather make the obligatory visit to the nursing home, and go on about my merry way, but that's not how life works. I've been tagged, and I'll do my best. Doesn't mean I have to like it, or feel good about it.