Abstain or Moderate??

[Phoebe30]

Hi there,

I'm 31 days AL free and a little scared. I'm not sure where to go, should I abstain or should I try to moderate? I'm a binge drinker who blacks out. I would love to think that I could have two galsses of wine with my partner but I deffinetly do not want to black out again

[Doggygirl]

Abstain or Moderate??

Hi Phoebe. First off, congratulations on your 31 days of AF time! That is a very nice accomplishment.

Only you can decide if you are addicted to alcohol. The way I had to figure that out for myself, and the way I have most often seen recommended to figure that out, is to assess what happens when you drink. The issue is not how often I drank. Some of us alkies drink every day, and some binge drink.

The key is - once you start, are you able to stop?

I was never able to easily stop at one or two drinks. Once I started, it was "game on."

After 60 days AF, I thought maybe I was fixed and could drink moderately. I was very wrong. The first couple of drinking experiences weren't too bad. But it was only a (short) matter of time until I was right back where I started.

AF time does not fix addiction. It is very likely that whatever you experienced before when you drank will be your experience if you drink again.

Do you want to take that risk? Or would it be better to just look at all the wonderful opportunities in life that are available when we are clear and present rather than drunk and hungover?

I wish you the best!

DG

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Abstain or Moderate??

Well done on your 31 days Phoebe. I totally agree with Doggygirl, same experience for me. I have heard of people years AF, they drink again and within a very short period of time they are back as bad as every and worse. But only you know truly the relationship you and AL have had. If it is enough of an issue for you to come here then why take the risk of ending up back at square one.

[Nelz]

Abstain or Moderate??

Congrats on your first thirty plus days!


I think I echo the thoughts of others, youve survived this long without it, you feel better, you dont black out.................why start again.

Stay strong and I wish you the best of luck and strength, I vote abstain

[gotta stop]

Abstain or Moderate??

Phoebe30;1167062 wrote: Hi there,

I'm 31 days AL free and a little scared. I'm not sure where to go, should I abstain or should I try to moderate? I'm a binge drinker who blacks out. I would love to think that I could have two galsses of wine with my partner but I deffinetly do not want to black out again

Hi Phoebe,
I echo what DG has said. Unfortunately, moderating is something that will be a life challenge to control - there will always be questions - can I drink today - can I have just 2-3 - am I slipping back into darkness? With abstaining there are no questions or grey areas - no descions - There is no alcohol! (IMO)
Good luck!

[Phoebe30]

Abstain or Moderate??

Thank you so much for all your advice. I started this year in a terrible situation I had an abortion after a drunken one night stand, something which until now I have kept to myself, I'm too ashamed to admit it even to the closet of my friends. The black outs are terrible I can act sober but totally out of character and I do not remember anything at all. I have now met my partner who I consider to be my soul mate he is away with work until Christmas I plan to stay alcohol free until then I do not want to rick ruining everything that is good in my life right now. My partner has said that he enjoys having a glass of wine with me he is a controlled drinker. I would love to think that I could do this, but I do not want to risk going back to my old ways, judging by peoples experiances on here the likly hood is that I would drink to excess again. How do I tell this wonderful man that I think I have a alcohol problem without losing him, being realistic who wants to date a drunk?? Just now I'm focusing on the next few months. Thanks again for your replies I really do apprecite your advice and experiances xx

[Cinders]

Abstain or Moderate??

Phoebe,

Like the others here, I, too, absolutely cannot moderate. It doesn't exist in my brain anymore. One leads to another and the rest that I have. Period. I black out every single time I drink. No exceptions.

That said, and I can't speak to the efficacy for you at all, you may want to read the Naltrexone thread(s.) That might be a way for you to go and see if it works for you. Especially if you are dating someone who wants to be able to share a glass of wine with you, etc. (I am lucky in the hubby will not drink around me no matter what. My alcoholism has caused my family great harrm.)

One thing I would consider, though, is that if you try Naltrexone, you do not give yourself license to drink as much as you want.

The method is called the TSM method. It means that IF you are going to drink, you take Naltrexone. Not otherwise.

In my mind, if I were to try it, I would ensure I could not drink gallons (in my case quarts that probably added up to gallons.) But that is just my uninformed opionion.

btw, TSM stands for The Sinclair Method.

You can do a search on Sinclair or TSM here and find information for those who have tried it.

I truly hope this does not lead you down a horrible path. TSM does not work for everyone. The only reason I mention it is because TSM does allow those for whom it works to moderate after they have attained indifference.

In my opinion, abstinence is the way to go. It is the safest way and in so many ways the easiest.

I am just concerned about when your bf gets back and you will want to drink with him.

Again, TSM does not work for everyone and you need to read and make your own decision about this.

Much luck and good health and sobriety for you in your future,
Cindi

[gotta stop]

Abstain or Moderate??

Phoebe30;1167083 wrote: Thank you so much for all your advice. I started this year in a terrible situation I had an abortion after a drunken one night stand, something which until now I have kept to myself, I'm too ashamed to admit it even to the closet of my friends. The black outs are terrible I can act sober but totally out of character and I do not remember anything at all. I have now met my partner who I consider to be my soul mate he is away with work until Christmas I plan to stay alcohol free until then I do not want to rick ruining everything that is good in my life right now. My partner has said that he enjoys having a glass of wine with me he is a controlled drinker. I would love to think that I could do this, but I do not want to risk going back to my old ways, judging by peoples experiances on here the likly hood is that I would drink to excess again. How do I tell this wonderful man that I think I have a alcohol problem without losing him, being realistic who wants to date a drunk?? Just now I'm focusing on the next few months. Thanks again for your replies I really do apprecite your advice and experiances xx

Phoebe,
I am so sorry to hear what has happenned to you - drinking is not all fun and games for sure. A couple of ideas came to mine in terms of your bf - one, you could tell him that you have simply decided that you dont want to drink anymore - dont like the feeling it gives you. or, honesty is always good although. You have a few months to consider your options, have a look around the website - talk to those that moderate, see how easy it is for them, talk to those that abstain, gain insight as to how they manage social settings
The main thing here is for you to feel good about yourself and I dont get the feeling that you feel good about yourself when drinking is involved...
Take care, and btw - I am an abstainer if you want to talk

[crimsons]

Abstain or Moderate??

Everyone's made good points here, the best being that you're the only one who knows. Congrats on your AF period too! Would it be helpful to think about what you would get out of AL from now on? I'm not saying there are no positives, there are or no one would do it. But you could weigh the pros and cons for a start -- to help you figure out what to do.

[Doggygirl]

Abstain or Moderate??

Phoebe, I'm sorry to read about your very bad experiences. I can certainly understand not wanting to go back there again. I can also understand some.....what's the word I'm looking for.....insecurity? about revealing a non-drinking status to someone who you believe is a "normal drinker."

Here is the thing about "normal drinkers." A truly normal drinker does NOT place importance on alcohol. It's been a while since I read the MWO book, but I want to say that RJ described it as caring like you care about butter. You can probably take or leave butter, right? My husband is truly a normal drinker and he truly does not care about alcohol. He cares about ME though. I have been completely honest with him (well, and he saw the worst of my addiction first hand1). It is a relief to speak with him honestly. And it's not a bother to him that I don't drink. He voluntarily does not drink around me - but for him that is an easy no brainer.

Alcohol is not an important part of our relationship. It is very important for me to remain abstinent. If he felt it was very important for him to drink, that might be a problem. If he felt it was important for me to drink with him, that would be a red alert, deal breaker of a problem. That's just how it is.

But if he were the kind of person where drinking was that important to him, then he wouldn't be the kind of person I want to be married to.

So you see...in my life, I really prefer to have a partner who does NOT place importance on drinking.

I think it's an important issue to consider for any of us who are in relationships or considering getting into relationships. Good food for thought here.

DG

[Lavande]

Abstain or Moderate??

Phoebe,

CONGRATS on your 31 AF days!!!!!
Great work & isn't it a great feeling?

All of my previous attempts to control my drinking (before joining MWO failed - miserably).
It's a personal decision, different for everyone of course. For me, since joining MWO I have become more honest with myself, had to really. I just decided when I hit my 30 days that NO, I'm not going to try my hand at drinking again......it's just not worth it for me I have never regretted my decision to remain AF & it's been 2 1/2 years now

Wishing you the best!

lav

[Phoebe30]

Abstain or Moderate??

I did write a reply to each of you turns out I went on for a little too long tried to post it and bomb it was lost lol, sorry. A massive thank you for all of your invaluable advice I honestly had tears in my eyes reading the replies. Doggygirl has a very valid point that I hadn't thought of, of course Al shouldn't matter to a controlled drinker!!! I'm going to write down the good and bad points of alcohol and what I get out of drinking and being sober thanks crimson. I would love to know how you all cope under social pressure, my choosen career is very much focused around AL when sociallising we seem o celebrate every good and bad event that happens. Once again thank you so much for a very warm welcome into your community xx

[gotta stop]

Abstain or Moderate??

Phoebe30;1167732 wrote: I did write a reply to each of you turns out I went on for a little too long tried to post it and bomb it was lost lol, sorry. A massive thank you for all of your invaluable advice I honestly had tears in my eyes reading the replies. Doggygirl has a very valid point that I hadn't thought of, of course Al shouldn't matter to a controlled drinker!!! I'm going to write down the good and bad points of alcohol and what I get out of drinking and being sober thanks crimson. I would love to know how you all cope under social pressure, my choosen career is very much focused around AL when sociallising we seem o celebrate every good and bad event that happens. Once again thank you so much for a very warm welcome into your community xx

Its funny, the only ones that seem to harrass others as to why they are not drinking are those of us that put a lot of value in alcohol...
I was recently in two social settings with parents of my daughter's sports team. One was at an away tournament - all at a hotel. I was asked if I wanted a beer or a drink, I said no thanks and surprisingly that was the end of it. There was no why not? or whats wrong with you? Another was at a pool party at my house - gotta drink at that right? pool party and drinking go together like peanut butter and jelly! No one even asked or cared as to why I wasnt drinking AL - and I didnt have to drive!
It is possible peeps - It is us that worry about not drinking - not those in the social setting around us...

[choice]

Abstain or Moderate??

Hi Phoebe,
Your posts here are so honest and brave. Congrats on your 30+ days!!! I completely understand the fear at the stage your in... deciding what to do about your circumstances. I was so scared that bad things would happen if I ever drank again... I was horrified at going through another blackout. Blackouts as you know are really dangerous. Right now I think you've got a great few months to keep doing what your doing... and believe in yourself that you are doing the right thing. I was worried when I quit that people would think badly of me and not want to hang out with me... I had that same thought who wants to hang out with a drunk.....

Only... if I'm not drinking I'm not a drunk...

What you've been through this year is rough... what a nice stopping spot, to take charge of your life. I wish I had done what your doing now..... when I had a very similar experience 9 years ago. I was in such denial when I went through it that I didn't even look at alcohol playing a role in my choices then. Now I do. It still makes me sad that I didn't take care of myself better. If your new boyfriend is truly your sole mate then trust him to understand that you need to love yourself first. You are worth it! :l As for the fear... I don't have it anymore. I'm not afraid I will drink or of what people think but it took me a while to build that part up. You sound really strong take care.