Needing to change, but I don't know how...

[DiscoBunnie]

Hello Everyone -

I'm back. I am posting tonight to acknowledge to myself and to you how pathetic my attempts at being AF have been. I am terribly disappointed and hopeless. I have tried it all ...or so it seems! Surfing the urge, talking myself through it, Topamax - that didn't fair too well for me, I can confuse myself, I don't need any help with that! Naltrexone - it left me with a very flat affect, which in reality would be better than hung over! Tried AA, I felt very left out and awkward.... I have the MWO book but didn't finish reading it. I have the supplements, I have the CD's. I joined the gym.. I even have the 7 weeks to Sobriety mega vitamins which I couldn't stomach so there they sit!

So.... its time for a change. I just can't figure out what the change is! I truly wish to be AF. I have some very humiliating history with AL, and the hang overs are catastrophic - the physical and emotional damage that comes with each hang over should be enough to make me STOP. The disappointment in my son's eyes when he knows I've been drinking - the concern in both my daughter's eyes for my health breaks my heart yet still I pick up that first drink.

How can Al have so much power over me? Why can't I stop? Why can't I fight the cravings? Why am I so weak? Why do I forget so easily after 2 or 3 days without drinking how horrible drinking makes me feel on all levels?

--I also wanted to thank everyone who shares and posts on this website. It has been the most informational and supportive resource I have found so far- thank you for helping me without even knowing it!

-db

[Turnagain]

Needing to change, but I don't know how...

Ohh....DiscoBunnie...I know you are feeling bad right now. About yourself and about the future. The FACT that you are here and searching again means you have HOPE.

From my own experience...it has taken me YEARS to finally figure out how to shake free of the hold of alcohol. It will get better.

It is essential to let your body heal....what are the problems you have with taking supplements/vitamins? I have a sensitive stomach and have found that powders and caplets work better.

Please keep posting....a lot of us who share your situation are over at the Newbies Nest.

Take care....

[DiscoBunnie]

Needing to change, but I don't know how...

Thank you Turnagain. Your message of hope sparked something inside me! I am here - and posting, that is hope! And I am not alone, and that too is Hope!

So today was my Day 1. I will give the vitamins another try tomorrow. My stomach is sensitive too but I have more trouble swallowing the vit's. I have the caplets too. Maybe I will give opening the caplets a try.... yummie sounds absolutely delicious don't you think?? ...

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I will check out the newbies nest and continue posting. I know I will hit cravings on day 3, that is my usual pattern so I will be here reading and posting....

-db

[Skid Row]

Needing to change, but I don't know how...

Hi Guys, and particularly DiscoBunnie, I am you, I was just wondering how long I have been a member of this site, I haven't found out because it has been so long since I have been I have forgotten how to use it really. Turnagain is right - you are here, which means there is hope, it also means that you are trying. I am trying (very trying according to my husband lol). I really am trying, I have promised my son that I would go a month without drinking and see where it led, the night before last I seriously wanted a drink, my husband and I had gone to the shop to get "milk" I ask you :-( at around 5pm - a seriously bad time as that is when I usually open a bottle of wine, and of course returned with 2 bottles - one each, we don't do sharing anymore (it leads to rows - so does not sharing ha ha but that's a whole other story) well I came back with husband, and my son (14 years old) was so angry. Nasty, cross and yep that look of disappointment (it's a killer). So as not to bore, having been ignored by him for an hour or so, I didn't drink any of it by the way - that look did it. But I was sulking (if you please) as I felt that I had gone a week so therefore had earned the right if that makes sense. Anyway, I am holding on to that look for the next time I feel the need (like every 5pm that comes around lol). Chin up, sounds so frivalous, but I am not meaning it that way, be proud of the days you achieve, think of the rubbish parts when you are falling and try not to go there, I personally haven't taken anything - did try a multivit with iron last time, but really thought at one point that I would never go to the toilet again ha ha, so gave up on those. I keep trying to drink water (more and more) I drink coffee all day long (not good for you but better than the demon AL) I wish I could help, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everyone on here free of it. It really is like being in a prison. Good luck and I am thinking of you.

[DiscoBunnie]

Needing to change, but I don't know how...

Good Morning Skid and all -

Wow that is awesome that you didn't pick up that first glass of wine! I think all of us here understand and appreciate the kind of strength it takes to do that, not just strength but committment to a better YOU. Yes Skid we share the same looks from our son's. It is the same with my son, he doesn't talk to me the mornings after and his body language says so much. Disappointment and lately disgust You would think since he just turned 21 on Aug. 2nd, I would think more about the behavior I am showing....
Thank you for making me laugh this morning - the vitamin and toilet thing made me smile! Well here is to us Skid and everyone - to an AF day, free of the demon. Let us fight the good fight...

Off to work but will be back tonight! Wishing everyone a happy Tuesday...

-db