Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Blowing it, as I type

Collapse
X
Collapse
 
  • Page of 2
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts
Previous 1 2 template Next
    #1

    Blowing it, as I type

    Hi, dear ones,

    I'm spent from the grief of the death of my first real, true, sweet, unbelievably good-looking love (age 60), and all the memories that accompany those exquisite times in the late '70's (no comments needed), the details of keeping the five living-yet-dying ones happy and seeing to their needs, calling hospice for my favorite uncle who truly loves me, and having my favorite traveling companion (my sister) back out of the only vacation I've had in two years. So, at a crystalline point this evening, I decided I was going to have wine. Yep, you betcha, I did it. After 5 1/2 weeks of being Af, and not having that much of a problem with it, I'm on my 6th drink. I don't care.

    I read about how wonderful you all feel in the morning after being AF, and I've yet to feel that way. Due to my responsiblities, I'm exhausted when I awake, and feel the same throughout the day. Tonight, when I decided to drink, I went through all the mantras: Al doesn't make things better, I'll feel like crap in the morning, I don't need a drink, etc., but I didn't care. I just want to tie one on, turn off the phones, and have a crappy day with a different reason.

    I told my DH I'd have to tell you, and felt bad. But, either you care about me, or you don't. Right now I'm so angry, tired, and fed up, that I think I don't care, but I know I do. All of you have helped me tremendously, and I've been proud of my accomplishments, but I'm somewhere else. It wasn't a desire for AL, it was a desire for an altered state. Anyone understand?

    Please don't give me the helpful mantras: I know the harm AL does, and won't continue on this path. I'm just ...I don't know what.

    With love and affection,
    Juja
    "Remember, you are responsible for creating your life by every thought, action, choice. Choose well." Oprah Winfrey
    Tags: None
    #2
    Blowing it, as I type

    Hi Juja-I tried to PM you but you don't have that option open I guess. I do understand and I'm sure many of us do. Sometimes circumstances are not due to our drinking but they can sure cause us to drink. 5 1/2 weeks is awesome and you will do it again I'm sure! No mantras from me, cause I know when I want to hit the fuck it button, I will. What I will say is, don't let this put you back to where you were moving away from. It's a blip and that is all. Keep moving forward making plans for better days and you will have them. Didn't mean to write a mini book. Just wanted you to know, you're heard and cared about and hope to see you feeling better soon. xo
    Psalms 119:45


    ?Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.?

    St. Francis of Assisi



    I'm not perfect, never will be, but better than I was and not as good as I'm going to be.

    :rays:

    Comment

      #3
      Blowing it, as I type

      For me I believe every single drink I had and every stinking hangover was absolutely necessary to get me to a certain point in my life when I hated drinking more than I hated being without it. The progress you have made Is not wasted, 5 1/2 weeks AF is awesome and would have been a record for me. It's a process and you are on the right path, I wish you well.

      Chill
      "In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer ."
      AF - JAN 1st 2010
      NF - May 1996

      Comment

        #4
        Blowing it, as I type

        Hi Juja, I haven't been here for your 5 and half very long weeks. I think it is truly an accomplishment and I am full of respect for it. I do hear your words when you say you wonder when the good feelings will start, I am 12 days and logged on to reaffirm that hey it is wonderful to be AL free and that you feel awesome bla bla, I believe everyone and know it is true when they say that AL doesn't change the tuff stuff in life it just makes it harder but I do yearn for this healthy glow and increased energy and something like a drum roll or a piped band when I manage to go to bed without blowing it. Please don't be tuff on yourself, AL does that for us, just have a good long soak in the bath or something like that and look forward to tomorrow morning when you will be able to say, yep it was just the smallest of small blips. xxx
        :lI'd really rather be skiing:H

        Comment

          #5
          Blowing it, as I type

          I'd say you just got a case of the "fuck it's". It happens to the best of us. Sometimes life is hard and without the AL as a coping mechanism it can seem unbearable. Don't beat yourself up, we've all been there and you won't get any judgement here.

          It sounds like you have been dealing with a lot lately and you managed to do it with 5 1/2 weeks sober! That's an amazing accomplishment! So you had a slip, so what? Just start over. I hope you are feeling better today.

          :l
          Every day is a day to start over and remember that I am powerless over my addiction. I will no longer give the BEAST any power over me - he can go straight to hell.
          :h

          Comment

            #6
            Blowing it, as I type

            Juja,

            I hope today is a better day for you!
            You can jump back on board & into the Nest for support
            AF since 03/26/09
            NF since 05/19/09
            Success comes one day at a time :thumbs:

            Comment

              #7
              Blowing it, as I type

              Dear Uni, Skid, Chill, and RC,

              I don't feel too bad this morning! A bit fuzzy and shaky, but that's it. I did wake up with the uh-oh feeling, and started in on the "loser" thinking, but quickly squashed it. I'm not interested in drinking anymore. Period.

              I had never heard of having a case of the fuck its, but that's exactly what it was. Plus, it was a desperate, rebellious need to be somewhere else; I can't explain it.

              Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I was afraid to get on here this morning, dreaded getting a lecture, but I know better. That's not how we work, is it?

              RC--I don't know how to PM. Could explain that to me, please? Is it something I need to do with the MWO site, my email or my computer? I'd really appreciate some help with that.

              Skid--12 Days--that's great I hope you're past the w. orst of it. I'm with you!

              Thank you everyone.
              xoxo Juja
              "Remember, you are responsible for creating your life by every thought, action, choice. Choose well." Oprah Winfrey

              Comment

                #8
                Blowing it, as I type

                Hey Juja,

                I care, as do we all here. Don't worry, okay? I would never profess to say i know you feel, cause i don't but, I totally understand where you're coming from. Go with the flow friend and do what you have to do. Only you know what that is. Take care of yourself, and see you back on deck sooner rather than later, okay?

                'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

                Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

                Comment

                  #9
                  Blowing it, as I type

                  Hi, Juja. I'm rushing to get to work, but wanted to say a quick good morning. Over the last 6 weeks, I have come SO close to doing exactly what you did. I think if just one more lousy thing had piled up on me, I would have said "fuck it" and gotten loaded. I understand getting to the point where you just (temporarily) don't give a damn about anything! But you're here and you're being honest. Just keep trying; you know you can do at least 5 weeks! Very glad to see you here this morning! Take care and see you later!

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Blowing it, as I type

                    Hey Juja,

                    I care, as do we all here. No panic. I would never profess to say i know you feel, cause i don't but, I totally understand where you're coming from. Go with the flow friend and do what you have to do. Only you know what that is. And i reckon you would know your truth, and the path to it, no matter what the grog tell's you. Take care of yourself, and see you back on deck sooner rather than later, okay?

                    Take care of you. :h

                    'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

                    Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Blowing it, as I type

                      Juja. Re PMing folk. Just left click on a persons name and then some options present themselves, so then, left click on 'pm private message'. Working?

                      'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

                      Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Blowing it, as I type

                        Juja, yep, it worked, but when i replied and tried to send, a message came up telling me you aren't set up for recieving PM's. So, go into your 'User CP' and untick, or tick the relevant box, that's if you wish to recieve pm's from folks.

                        'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

                        Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Blowing it, as I type

                          Guitarista;1169099 wrote: Juja. Re PMing folk. Just left click on a persons name and then some options present themselves, so then, left click on 'pm private message'. Working?
                          I tried it G-man. Hope it worked.

                          I enjoy following the Aussie antics on Underoos. Wish I could understand you guys. I don't even know how or where to jump in 'cause you guys are so----incomprehensible.:H

                          I don't think I would have taken my plunge had I stuck closer to the site. Checking in here daily, and paying attention, is a must, regardless of whatever else is going on.

                          Have a wonderful, sober weekend.:l I will.
                          "Remember, you are responsible for creating your life by every thought, action, choice. Choose well." Oprah Winfrey

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Blowing it, as I type

                            Hi Juja,
                            All of the people here have said the right things, and I don't know that I can add anything new. Just want to also say that one night does not undo or eclipse your 5 1/2 weeks. You are dealing with more stress than I have felt in years, but I do understand where you are coming from. I lost one of my closest, most important friends several years ago and know how that feels. I have come very close to the wine monster this week myself, and I am not handling half the stress that you are handling.
                            Our arms are (metaphorically) around you.
                            Good habits breed good habits; bad habits breed bad habits.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Blowing it, as I type

                              Thanks, tonst. I'm in a weird place, but AL isn't going to get the best of me. I'm over my rebellion, and will continue to do what I have to do for myself and others. I saw where you were having a tough time with cravings, so I'm sending you positive vibes.

                              Everyone--I think I'm set up for PM now. (Fingers crossed) I'm such a luddite!

                              :thanks::h
                              "Remember, you are responsible for creating your life by every thought, action, choice. Choose well." Oprah Winfrey

                              Comment

                              Previous 1 2 template Next
                              Working...
                              X