Ready for change

[zincityzen]

I've been off and on again with MWO, almost want to change my login ... so folks won't see how flaky I am.

Got drunk last night - 3 glasses of wine at home, decided I was lonely and bored after a long day of study (I'm an graduate student of acupuncture) so rode my bike to a nearby bar and had 2 pints. Wine and beer is queer, for sure. So pedalled around town after for about an hour late into the night.

God has been good to me and I've never had a DUI (which would keep me from getting licensed), no smashups, no injuries, never got fired, though have gone to work feeling pretty crappy. Hubby still loves me. I didn't get pulled over, though I was having a tough time holding my handlebars steady. No one harassed me (I'm in a major city), no injuries, and foolishly, no helmet. Just the memory of being out of control. On my little red bicycle.

What an idiot.

I'm supposed to be learning how to help others take care of their own health and I'm failing at helping myself. I'm within a year of graduating, so the stakes are getting higher, and I'm scared. I need to get myself together on so many levels and I'm scared I'm not up to it.

Thanks for listening!
ZZ

[starfairy]

Ready for change

i know what yiu mean about feeling flaky but i can't speak for all of us but i am pretty sure most of us are on and off otherwise we'd be "cured" right? that is why i like this place because when i am feeling really down and low and i feel like i can't talk to anyone else, i come here to cry and vent. do you have any plans to get sober?

[Bean]

Ready for change

Hey Zin

I've just graduated from an acupuncture program in Canada! I totally understand the horrible conflict between suffering with this addiction and yet trying to work as a health professional. I continue to struggle on my journey - I've also been on and off MWO for a few years now - and I try to have compassion for myself, knowing that what I have been through will hopefully make me a better practitioner for my future patients. I also intend to work directly with addicts in some capacity when I am better.

What's your plan? Look forward to hearing more from you.
Bean

[zincityzen]

Ready for change

Hi Star, hi Bean,
Bean, congratulations on graduating TCM school!!! Wow ... and yes, compassion first for ourselves, because we can't be compassionate towards other people without having that loving-kindness for us. Why is that so hard?

Star, my plan to get sober ... well, I am NOT capable of moderating for long, and so getting and staying sober is a priority. When? For now my goal will be to be AF to end of the month. I can handle two weeks.

Still, I have a bunch of hurdles ahead and last night was a flirtation with self-sabotage. I felt like garbage taking two finals today and so do NOT want to join classmates tonight for a post-finals celebration at a local bar. I still feel hungover.

Funny thing with being in acupuncture school ... I have resistance to getting treated for addiction there. Fellow interns aren't exactly the most HIPAA compliant group I've been around, but I know I need help. Maybe try some AA meetings.

Thank you ladies for responding. I feel less alone.

Z

[Bean]

Ready for change

God, done that so many times - taking finals, tests and practicals absolutely hungover to the back teeth. Awful awful.

It's late here and I'm tired but just wanted to check back in and reiterate that you're not alone. I have felt extremely resistant until very recently to vest any real interest or time in an online forum, but lately I have come to rely more on the support here and it really does help.

Laters
Bean