Feel like crap ... so ashamed

[zincityzen]

Woke up this morning to a cake I do not remember baking. Chocolate heart-shaped, but made with whole wheat flour because I didn't have any of the white stuff. Yuck. I have a nasty hangover. Last night, I kept drinking wine, waiting for a buzz that I never seemed to get, then went for some rum that DH likes. Then I drunk-dialed him, woke him up, and have no idea what we talked about. We live apart part-time while I finish grad school and I am so lonely.

On the up-side, I didn't drive anywhere, didn't call anyone else, stayed off of Facebook, email, etc. Played a little bit with my makeup, not in a weird way, and washed it off before bed, though I don't remember removing it.

My triggers: Loneliness, boredom, AND the coffee I had yesterday made me super jittery all day; I thought the booze would eventually make me sleepy. Guess I collapsed in bed at around 2 am.

I can't go on like this. I'm telling myself that I can't afford all those supplements that are part of MWO program, but then I can't really afford wine, or the loss of self-esteem, time, and energy. I got this drunk a few weeks ago, and here I am again.

Thanks for reading.

:upset:

[Lavande]

Feel like crap ... so ashamed

zincityzen,

What's your goal? What's your plan?
Have you actually taken the time to write out a plan for yourself because you won't get anywhere just continually repeating the same patterns.

I understand your tiggers, mine were the same! That's where a good plan comes into play & it doesn't cost you a thing to write one. I gave up all caffeine except for one cup in the morning. The rest of my day is decaf tea or coffee - made a big difference. I took & still take my own supplements (due to allergy fears). You can put together your own brand of supplements, shop where they are less expensive. Just read the MWO book so you know what you should be taking.

I vowed to myself that I would never set foot in another wine/liquor store again and I haven't! It's easier to remove all temptation first - give yourself a chance

Why don't you drop in the Newbies Nest thread for more support & see what the others are doing?
You owe it to yourself to take control of your life now because things will get worse - they always do! Don't waste any more time pouring poison down your throat then feeling sorry afterwards.

Wishing you the best! You can do this!!

Lav

[zincityzen]

Feel like crap ... so ashamed

Hi Lavande,
Thank you so much ... yes, a plan, otherwise it's just whining. I have the hypno tapes - husband-free for a few days, so can listen at night as well. Maybe record them on my Android as well. Right after this, I'll take a look at the supps I can get right now. I've continued with B-complex all this time, as I've found that it makes hangovers less severe. And peppermint tea clears the Liver, at least in Chinese Medicine.

So that's the mini-plan for now.
Thanks!

[Boh]

Feel like crap ... so ashamed

zencityzen...

Don't give up! I had a super hard time staying AF for anymore that 2 days in the last 10 years. I couldn't afford the vitamins off this site as I live in Canada. But did you know most of the stuff is available at your local supermarket.... The only ones I take are milk thistle, melatonin, ginko, a B complex, B1, calcium, magnesium, zinc, and mega doses of vit C! It was like 60$ so to me that was comparable to a Friday Saturday night of drinking! Oh I forgot to mention L glutamine... Available in the sports nutrition section in powder form...way cheaper!

Don't give up! Try exercising daily ....also do some google research on "vitimins and alcohol" without these vitamines I would not have just enjoyed my first AF weekend in 10 years... There is a great article on the net... Dr. Yourself - vitamines and alcohol... I'm by no means a doctor but the advice helped me.

[Boh]

Feel like crap ... so ashamed

DoctorYourself.com - Alcoholism

Interesting article and it really really really helps me!




Boh

[Supercrew]

Feel like crap ... so ashamed

I know I am new here, and I don't want to step on any toes, but you don't need supplements to stop drinking. You sound as if because you don't have the supplements its a reason for you to drink.

First of all there are no reason to drink, only excuses.

Second, supplements are great to repair your body, but they are not some magical cure that will keep you from drinking. If you really feel like crap and are ashamed, take that feeling and remember how bad you feel. Remember and try to refeel that feeling everytime you think about wanting a drink.

I always had a million excuses as to why I couldn't stop drinking today, and that's all they were, excuses. We can all stop anytime we want to, but you have to want to.

Good luck on your future effort....you can do it.

[tonstantweader]

Feel like crap ... so ashamed

Zincityzen,
I used to do the same thing when drinking: cook something I didn't remember cooking when I woke up and all sorts of other things that were a mystery to me when I woke up. It used to be every few weeks for me, too, and then once a week, and then both weekend nights, and eventually four nights out of seven. You are wise to do something now.
The only supplements I used were L-glutamine to get through the cravings, and I'm not totally convinced that wasn't a placebo effect, but hey, if it works....
Drink lots of water, take one day at a time, and just get through that day. Several of us have also read Jason Vale's book Kick the Drink and have found that helpful. The most important tools are motivation and the realization that alcohol does nothing to improve your life and only makes everything worse. Good luck, and check in here as often as you need to!

[zincityzen]

Feel like crap ... so ashamed

Thanks, Boh, for the link. Good info there. Supercrew, I'm open to any and all tools to make sobriety easier, and herbs and supplements are important factors in healing our bodies from the deficits caused by chronic alcohol abuse. It was probably not your intention to scold, judge, or criticize, but that is how your post reads.

Like other challenges in my life, support, compassion, learning from others' successes and mistakes, and asking for help are just as important as my own resolve and will power. Rubbing my nose in my messes, or truly WANTING to quit drinking alone won't help me make alcohol a thing of the past.

[Boh]

Feel like crap ... so ashamed

Supercrew;1188338 wrote: I know I am new here, and I don't want to step on any toes, but you don't need supplements to stop drinking. You sound as if because you don't have the supplements its a reason for you to drink.

First of all there are no reason to drink, only excuses.

Second, supplements are great to repair your body, but they are not some magical cure that will keep you from drinking. If you really feel like crap and are ashamed, take that feeling and remember how bad you feel. Remember and try to refeel that feeling everytime you think about wanting a drink.

I always had a million excuses as to why I couldn't stop drinking today, and that's all they were, excuses. We can all stop anytime we want to, but you have to want to.

Good luck on your future effort....you can do it.

The vitamins and supplements take my craving to drink away along with lifting weights and playing squash 7 days a week! No they aren't magic, but if you read on what chronic alcoholism depletes your body of, then it is a no brainer... I don't think reminiscing about the shitty things I said to people the night before will put vitamin B1 back in my system...

You have to do what works for you...if that is making yourself relive the low points of your life, that's great! I'd rather exercise and take some pills... but yes, absolutely, you have to want to quit!

I want to move on and leave the hurtful memories and booze in the past where they belong!

[patrice]

Feel like crap ... so ashamed

Hi Zincityzen

Don't feel bad, feel glad that you are aware that something isn't quite right. I also used to experiment with makeup when I was drunk, often waking up either looking like a clown or a panda bear...

I personally think that having a plan is essential - it was the only way I managed last time - and I think it will help me this time.

The supplements are good in the way that they can help repair and renew your body strength, but also your mind.

I'm here to help in any way I can.
Join Me!
Patrice

[Doggygirl]

Feel like crap ... so ashamed

Hi Zin. Just wanted to say that I can completely relate to the sort of night you describe. That was me pretty much on a daily basis so you are definitely not alone!!!! If I can sober up, I know you can do it too. It was still a ton of work, but I really do think the My Way Out program helps.

DG

[Boh]

Feel like crap ... so ashamed

No problem ZincityZen... I'm just passing along what I've found that helps me.

Today is AF day 7 for me so I am quite happy! I'm here for ya! We can do this!

Don't worry too much, the ashamed and depressive feelings fade as your AF days go up... That is the great thing! After about day 3, I started to feel emotionally (and physically) a bit better, and it has only been getting better by the day..

It feels so good to wake up not hung over and late for work. Try to focus on the positive! There is always something positive!

Boh

[Supercrew]

Feel like crap ... so ashamed

I apologizeagain if I came off as judgemental or scolding. You are right we need to find our own way to sobriety. I tried...at least I felt like I tried for at least 10 years. I do take a range of supplements daily including my all my B's, HTP-5 Tryptophan, St John's Wort and a boat load of other stuff as well as Aminos and a multi. In my own experience I had to focus on the most important thing though which was giving myself reasons why I didn't want to drink. I had every excuse in the book to keep drinking every day. I had to want to be sober.

I apologize again if I came of as harsh or rude, but I wish I had someone telling me what I needed to do instead of continuing year after year to try and then fail. It took me a real long time to understand what was really holding ME back. Good luck on your journey, you can and will find your way.

[Turn Around]

Feel like crap ... so ashamed

patrice;1188372 wrote: Hi Zincityzen

Don't feel bad, feel glad that you are aware that something isn't quite right. I also used to experiment with makeup when I was drunk, often waking up either looking like a clown or a panda bear...

Patrice

I laughed very hard at this. I use to do the same thing sometimes back when I drank. Panda bear... Haha!

[Supercrew]

Feel like crap ... so ashamed

Boh;1188370 wrote: The vitamins and supplements take my craving to drink away along with lifting weights and playing squash 7 days a week! No they aren't magic, but if you read on what chronic alcoholism depletes your body of, then it is a no brainer... I don't think reminiscing about the shitty things I said to people the night before will put vitamin B1 back in my system...

You have to do what works for you...if that is making yourself relive the low points of your life, that's great! I'd rather exercise and take some pills... but yes, absolutely, you have to want to quit!

I want to move on and leave the hurtful memories and booze in the past where they belong!

Hi Boh,

I want to touch on your comment regarding moving on from "hurtful memories". I never "reminisce" about the bad things, but those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.

I used those feelings as a tool when my mental obsession would kick in. I had to send my subconscious brain a message that if you drink you will feel this way again. Kind of like the Pavlov dog situation. We are programmed that when a trigger occurs or a thought pops into our head we must pour alcohol down our throat. It's a conditioned response. Many of us have done it for so long it has become second nature and we don't even think about it. It's subconscious.

The way I had to break that conditioned response was to interupt it with a very negative feeling. It basically took me 6 weeks to make my brain believe that drinking alcohol caused pain for me and not the pleasure that I had tattooed on my brain for the previous 27 years of drinking.

I didn't have a whole drawn out program when I started, I just started by promising myself I would not drink TODAY. When it got hard I had to find tools or methods so I would not break that promise to myself.

Now 15 months removed from when I started on my quest for sobriety I seldom think about the bad times or bad feelings, because I don't have to, because I lost the mental obsession that made drinking seem like an option.

Again I apologize if I came off as too blunt, but I would like to think that most people here are really looking for a solution to something that plagued me for 27 years.