banging my head against the wall.

[daze32]

hello everyone,

it's hard to start off what I'd like to say here. so I'll just say it as is. pardon my spelling & grammar errors.
I have been with my bf for 6 years off and on. usually when things get to committed is when he tells me to leave. which usually happens when he is drunk.
here's the story & a few questions.
he's 40 years old & claims to have been an alcoholic since he was 9 years old. (we live in the NWT so it can be believable but not at the same time)
these past weeks have been trying on me & him to. arguments and one of us storming off.
this past week was one argument of him accusing me of fooling around with one of his friends (which, is his partner in the beer Olympics & is always at my house) I have never felt so grossed out before! I would never, ever think of doing something with his friend. he disgusts me to the point where I get up and walk away when he comes here.

I took off from the house crying so hard that I had my first anxiety attack, ever! I'm 28 years old.
I walked and walked & cried and cried. he called me on my cell and asked me 'are you done bugging out?'
I was like whoa! don't you remember? we just had a wicked argument! now I'm fighting to breathe & trying not to loose my mind. (we live in a small town of 2300 people. you can walk out the door & be in the bushes. so I was 100% sure no one would see or hear me)
I was fighting so hard for a breath I hung up on him. 5 minutes later, he comes riding his quad so drunk that he was whipping around the trails looking for me.
I got yelled at because I left the house & needed to be alone and for crying for no reason. (uh, hello? argument?!? was you're body there & you're mind took a hike?)

we talked, well I talked & he swayed.

and now tonight, I had all my stuff packed & again I get yelled at!

he turns everything around on me. make me look like I'm horrible & no one will love me like he does.

I start talking to him in a calm voice then he blows, yells that I have no ambition in life & that all I do is help my parents. (moms 56 dads 74 w/diabetes & bone problems)
apperantly, I don't want to help myself in any way. that i don't want a job & all I want to do is clean, look after my parents and sleep all day.

sure, I clean up at my parents place to help them. I cook and clean for him. he doesn't have to lift a finger in the house & this is the way he chooses to attack me?

it went on, but I've written a novel so I'll cut to it.
after all was said and done tonight, he asked me again 'are you done bugging out?'

he told me that 5 doctors have told him for a person that drinks as much as he does (more then 25 beer a week) that his liver, lungs and kidneys are doing great compared to someone else his age. he also claims the doctor said not to quit drinking, if he does he'll be dead in 2 years.

I do not believe this & any doctor that says this has got to be a dr nick riverea from the Simpsons!!

I understand all the signs & symptoms of stopping drinking as I have quit 5 years ago. I used to be an everyday drinker to the point where I'd lose days because of binges. there is prescription aids out there to help along.

is this a sign that he is too far gone & for me just to say see you later? I love this guy more then he knows. I really don't want to lose him in anyway but if it means he'll better himself then it may just be that way.

I'm worried that if I do go, that he'll lose himself completely (last time we broke up he went on a binge for a week & ended up getting beat up and missing work)

I think I needed to vent & thank you for reading this til' the end.

please, any comments or input will be greatly appreciated.

[FreeFly]

banging my head against the wall.

Hi Daze
What about you in all of this? Well done for quitting 5 years ago. Are you still AL free?

You will NEVER be able to turn this guy's life around. That is up to him and him alone. You say you're 28 and have been in the relationship for 6 years. Don't you think you deserve a loving relationship? I reckon in your heart you know if this guy is treating you right. I did when I was in a similar situation. But I kept hanging in there. A few broken bones later I decided enough was enough.

Strangely his sister contacted me yesterday - hadn't seen her in a couple of years. I had the low down and yes, as suspected he is now lower than ever. Hardly eats now - just a liquid diet. I could have been there with him (it's where my AL relationship was well and truly cemented). I felt pangs of sadness because I know he's heading for an early grave but I'm SO glad I left.

Turning my life around for good now because I want to be in the right place to attract the right kind of relationship. I have new friends (AF) but taking my time about a man - some things are worth waiting for.

You deserve more Daze, so much more. My recommendation would be to do it now whilst you're still so young and RUN LIKE THE WIND......

CB

[Unwasted]

banging my head against the wall.

RUN, DON'T WALK.

[Doggygirl]

banging my head against the wall.

Hi Daze and welcome to My Way Out. Congratulations on your own 5 years of sobriety. Given your own experience, I'm certain you already know how to spot an alcohol problem, and know that it won't be fixed until the person who carries it wants to fix it. And even then, the force of addiction can make it very, very difficult. We can hope for someone else to sober up, but we can't make it happen for them.

Have you considered a support group such as Alanon? Might help you sift through your situation to talk with others who have dealt with the exact same thing - loving and living with (or deciding to leave) an alcoholic.

DG

[Lavande]

banging my head against the wall.

Hi Daze,

I am your mother's age & if you were my daughter I would personally go drag you out of that situation. I actually did do that to my daughter many years ago.
Very often when you are in the thick of an abusive situation you feel helpless & even hopless.

This BF of yours is an ego-centric alcoholic. You can't help him, you need to be concerned about yourself!

Don't hesitate another moment, just go!
You have the rest of your life ahead of you & can make it as good as you want

Lav

[Juja]

banging my head against the wall.

I'm going to be blunt here: Why are you wasting the best years of your life with this guy? That's what you're doing, you know. I did the same thing you're doing, and I deeply loved the guy, too, but knew it was pointless. I wanted more out of life. I left, and never looked back.

PLEASE leave so you can have some peace. THINK: what will your like be like in 5-10 years if you stay? God-awful.

[shueaddict]

banging my head against the wall.

Daze,

As much as you love him, you need to be loved back, otherwise this will just empty you.

I am still springing rent for my 36 year old ex-neighbor, who got kicked out of the house together with her daughter by her AL abusive husband after 16 years together. Same story, he kept telling her how she's good for nothing, not intelligent at all, would be nowehere without him, worse, kept this on at their daughter too. She left him 5 years ago and got back together again after he begged and begged. Needless to say she regrets this to the day.

You are young, you have options and thankfully you have no kids that are suffering together with you. There is NOTHING wrong with looking after your parents and wanting no more in life than to make a good home for a man. A normal person would appreciate this and respond in return with love and partnership. A selfish, AL altered person would take cruel pleasure in showing how everything is your fault and would feel better about themselves by diminishing you.

It is hard to stay on your own two feet but it will only get harder.

Stay strong,

[tonstantweader]

banging my head against the wall.

Daze,
Ask yourself what benefits you are getting from this relationship? It sounds to me as if there are none, so also as someone who is your mother's age and who has daughters in their twenties: GET OUT OF THERE. You are worth more than this. Please make sure to come back and let us know what we can do to help you more. So many women find themselves in these situations, but you've done the best thing you can by reaching out and asking for help.

[daze32]

banging my head against the wall.

thank you :-)

I have read the replies & have started thinking more into the future. I just wish I could get the courage to have my packed things & actually make it out the door this time.

the last time I drank was in July. got fed up & drank for a day. other then that it was just a sip to see if I actually missed it. with the hangover that came with the drinking I didn't miss it. I'm always afraid that I know there will be a time I'll start again and just won't stop. trying to keep a positive mental attitude towards life & different situations that arise.

I know this morning he remembers bits and pieces of what went on last night. I think he feels bad but I know that will change tonight.

Lavande, my mom has tried but I have told her that I made my bed I'll lay in it. she shakes her head at me everytime I tell her what's going on.

I feel so bad for putting my family thru this. I know I can do better it's hard to leave after 6 years. I'm sure everyone can understand where I'm coming from.

another thing I feel, is that his friend (the one that comes over all the time) thinks I'm a psychotic b*tch. which I really don't care. but it's that small of a town that I know he'll tell one person & it will snowball from there.

funny thing is, everyone in this town knows this friend as an idiot. as he drives when he's been drinking & has hit the ditch more times then I can count. people also know my bf is a heavy drinker. he's preformed at the bars in town & people don't come to the house because of it.

sorry for jumping around so much. my brain is spinning so much I can't get one complete thought out.

I really do appreciate everyone replying to my thread & wish you all nothing but the best!! sending positive thoughts to all who need it :-)

thank you so much again!! I will keep an update here. I'm glad I found this site :-) my friends don't understand me when I try to explain & now know there is more then me going thru this.