I need advice

[mightymite]

Good morning all and what a beautiful Fall day it is. I am now 4 days AF and have not told my DH my hopes of becoming AF forever. The weekend and Halloween is creeping up on me and I can't remember a weekend or Halloween without drinking. I want to tell him but am so afraid of exposing myself and not being able to stick with it and letting him down again. I know he will be supportive. He is the most wonderful and loving husband but I don't want to see the doubt in his eyes. He's heard it all before. I have been writing down notes from things I have learned on this site and have started a list of tools to get me through the hard times. (Those notes are full of raw emotions.) I want to show him this so he has a good understanding of how difficult it is for me. He can take or leave alcohol. Oh how I envy those people. But I feel so fragile right now and don't know if I can utter those words that I want to stop. But I know I can't and should not do this alone. Any advice on how I should handle this? Thank you all.
Mightymite

[Marshy]

I need advice

Hi mightymite,

How about talking to him about the new tools you've been finding out about and discussing them with him and asking for his support.

I don't think you need to say "this time it's forever!". Just tell him you're determined and you have some good new strategies to work on but you'd like his help, especially over the weekend.

He sounds great and you're lucky to have a supportive partner.

[Lavande]

I need advice

Hi mightmite,

:goodjob: on your 4 AF days!
A good way of thinking is 'I'm not going to drink today'. That way you are not putting pressure on yourself. Just don't drink today, tomorrow is tomorrow. Share that thought & I'm sure your husband will be supportive

[nollie]

I need advice

I was in the same boat as you this time last week, I wanted to start going to AA but couldn't see how I could explain away the fact that I needed to take the car for a few hours every week. In the end I just took the bull by the horns and came out with it. I didn't give him any chance to argue the toss. I just said that I wanted to stop drinking and didn't think I could do it on my own. He was a bit uncomfortable about the fact that I now see myself as an alcoholic - to him you're not an alcoholic unless you're incapable of standing up and are living in the gutters. But he does accept that I drink way too much and way too often (and he only knows a tiny part of it!). He accepted it straight away. Ultimately he would prefer me to stop drinking, so who is to complain when we say we're trying to do something about it?

[Nelz]

I need advice

Im gonna chime in and agree with the others.....yes, tell everyone you feel comfortable telling that you are indeed trying to stop.....it will give you some accountability, and that can go a lonnnnnnng way in helping you.

Also, go in with the "I wont drink today", and dont see it as a punishment, or a, why can they drink and I cant thing. You will be surprised at how fast the "todays" add up as yesterdays, and soon you will be clicking off all the goals you set for yourself.......I did 7 30 100 180.

Its encouraging to wake up every morning, and be just one step closer to your goals, and then when you reach them, you can shout it to the mountain tops........like I do!!!


I wish you luck and strength in your journey, stop by often this store never closes, and there is almost always someone to talk to.

[lolab]

I need advice

Im not sure the ages of your children but the way I started talking to my hubby was by emphasizing that I wanted to set a better example for our child. I don't want him to grow up thinking that drinking is something That grownups do in order to have fun. I wanted to show him that I, at least, can have fun without drinking.
This explained the books I was reading because I was talking with our child about how society just expects you to drink but it doesn't have to be that way...and backing up the health teacher about the physical consequences of drinking. I would think that even if your children are younger (mines 13) you still want to set a good example and it's never too soon!!!

Good luck
I'm at work on phone so I hope this makes sense!:-)

[mightymite]

I need advice

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I am going to tell him tonight after dinner and our evening walk. Gulp. I am nervous but I know it is the right thing to do. Unfortunately, lolab, my kids are pretty well grown; 25, 23 & 19 but one of the many reasons I want to stop is to be a good example, even if it is a little late. I think they can still learn from me and I want them to be proud of me. I have messed up too many times on that front and I want it to end. Wish me luck.

[lolab]

I need advice

I don't think it's late mm. I think 'children' always look to theirparents for an example...
I'll be thinking of you tonight and have a feeling you are going to feel amazing once it's out in the open

[lolab]

I need advice

I don't think it's late mm. I think 'children' always look to theirparents for an example...
I'll be thinking of you tonight and have a feeling you are going to feel amazing once it's out in the open

[JackieClaire]

I need advice

Hi Mightymite,

Firstly congratulations of 4 days AF. :goodjob:

How wonderful is that you're going to enlist your husbands support. Mine as been an absolute treasure and one of my biggest cheerleaders. There have been many tears over the years caused by my drinking and he already knew that I had a problem with alcohol just not the the massive part it played in my life. Once I become totally honest about how utterly miserable I was he has always been there for me.

At the moment try not to think forever, just get this weekend over with AF and believe me you'll feel fantastic.

Oh and I've got a daughter 25 and a son 23 and they think the new sober me is wonderful.

J x
:l

[Doggygirl]

I need advice

Hi Mightymite! congrats on your 4 AF days, and also on your decision to talk honestly with your husband and ask for his support. I am very fortunate to have a supportive husband. Being able to talk openly and honestly with him has been a real benefit in my sober journey. He didn't understand alcohol addiction right away. But over the years, I can talk to him honestly about how I am feeling and he has come to understand what it's like even though he does not have a problem with AL.

I hope it works that way for you too. Coming out of isolation has been really important for my sober journey, and for me my husband has been a big part of that.

I hope your husband accepts that alcohol addiction is NOT about being weak willed, or just not really wanting to stop. If it were a matter of "well, just stop then" none of us would be here. It's hard!!! If he isn't sure about that, let us know and we can provide you all sorts of supporting documentation that your husband could read.

Good luck!

DG

[mightymite]

I need advice

Oh JackieClaire, my heart soars thinking of how your children love the new you. I can only hope my lovely boys will feel the same about me soon too. Doggygirl, you are so right about opening up to him. He is my rock and has always been and I know he will be there for me. It's just the first sit-down that will be tough. And you know, the strange thing is, I don't even know why. I have always confided in him. He is my best friend. Why am I feeling so hesitant? I have never felt this way before when I wanted to quit. Maybe it's a good sign that this time it's for real.

[JackieClaire]

I need advice

They both know about my drinking problem and they're both part of my cheer leading squad.

They know now that when I say I'll do something I will. Not like in the bad old days when everything seemed to be 'I'll do it tomorrow' and of course tomorrow never came.

[mightymite]

I need advice

Well, I had my heart to heart with hubby last night and I must say he did not let me down. Why in the world would I think he would? When I told him I wanted to talk he looked like a deer in the headlights. He thought he had done something wrong. Lol. After he quoted Seinfeld, is this the "airing of the grievances", we sat down and talked...and talked....and talked. He was much relieved about the choice I had made and said he was behind me 1000%. I told him I would not make promises but that all I can do is try and he was fine with that. He said he would do anything to help me and we talked about "tools" that I could use in helping me cope. He said he still didn't think I had a problem because I don't drink every day. I told him I don't believe you HAVE to drink every day to have a problem. It is not a matter of when you drink but if it causes problems in your daily life. It does for me.

So I am on day 5 now. My mind and body are feeling great. That's when I have problems. When I am feeling really good, I kid myself into believing everything is fine and I can drink again. I have to remember the UGLY! I can never forget what that is like. The weekend is almost here and I am nervous but hopeful.

I hope you all are having a hopeful day too.

[windy]

I need advice

MightyMite,

Wow!! That is really great news. He really has your back, which is so important. One thing that stands out is him not thinking you have a problem. I just wonder what it would take to convince him? I am not trying to mock him or you, my husband is the same way and I am sure he hopes that we can someday share a drink on the deck and watch the sun go down. I know deep down the only reason I want to share a drink is because I want to catch a buzz and I have simply decided that is the wrong reason.

Hang in there and don't forget the UGLY. That should keep you on track.