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Big Fall

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    #1

    Big Fall

    Hi,
    Fell off the wagon this bank holiday weekend.
    Very f***ing pi**ed off with myself.
    Spent loads of money, didn't get any study, extra work or gym work done.
    Set myself back re all of the above.
    The weekend involved being out in the pub every night Fri - Sunday.
    Got p***ed off with myself by Sunday night and ran out of steam so headed off home early.
    Bank Holiday yesterday, but got someone work done yesterday evening at home.
    Working late tonight but managed to get the gym after.
    Don't have time to feel too sorry for myself but am really angry with myself deep down.
    Am in a very different place than I was say this time last week when I was full of life and energy.
    Only upside is that it has reaffirmed in my mind that I got nothing from the weekend only a very empty pocket - no positives from it at all.

    Also deep down really concerned that now at 36 I will spend the rest of my life alone. Think this is what drives me to go out when I do.
    Tags: None
    #2
    Big Fall

    Hi Stompy. It sounds like you learned from your experience and that is the important part.

    I was single through my 30's and was really afraid of ending up alone. So I did a lot of looking and shopping in bars. What a friggin' mistake that was!!!!

    On a more serious note.....

    Before I stopped drinking, I really didn't know or understand myself at all. I was never just "still" with myself to really contemplate what I need and want in this life. It was just "go go go drink drink drink." And of course I always thought I needed a man to complete me.

    In sobriety I am getting to know myself so much better. And I actually like myself a little bit now. I am really free to explore life on life's terms and not be chasing something....that I don't even know what I'm chasing.

    Hope that makes sense....at any rate, welcome back to the wagon!

    DG
    Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
    Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07

    One day at a time.

    Comment

      #3
      Big Fall

      Hi Stompy, I done exactly the same after 20 great AF days. Even as soon as last night I was drinking, and getting nothing from it. Yet I continued until the alcohol was finished. And, like you, all the good stuff went out the window.
      I know things will only get better as soon as alcohol goes; you know that too. Looks like we are starting our new leg of this journey together. I am also single, have been for years but I really would like to be my true self first and foremost. I totally agree with DG. Having had 3 months AF a year ago, I already know that even the way we think changes when AF. I so want to be in that place again as I have never felt so at peace with myself. Maybe I had to have this year of relapses before that 100% commitment really stuck.
      And, I have had more interest in me when I have been going out AF than I ever had before. I haven't acted on it as I don't feel ready. I am 46 and not worried about it so look at you, so much younger and you can subract a few more years just by ditching the demon drink!!!!
      IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO BE WHAT YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN
      Relapse starts long before the drink is drunk!!.Fresh Start!

      Comment

        #4
        Big Fall

        Stomp, remember the anger and disappointment you currently feel. That will help you get through the next of period AF days. It is hard to stop completely, especially when a lot of your social life involves drinking. I understand the drinking culture in Ireland and I am dreading going back next year for just a visit. My family would hound me to drink even when I was breastfeedin, saying come on, just one won't harm.

        As for being alone I think that is the binge comedown talking. You are still young at 36......I hope so because I am 36 and I still feel young. Keep your eyes out at the gym......

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          #5
          Big Fall

          Hi Stompy,

          Have you thought about joining a few classes at the gym to meet some new people rather than working out on your own? Internet dating? Any local groups you could join to do with things you're interested in? Some lucky person is out there waiting to meet a sober, new and improved Stompy!
          sigpic
          AF since December 22nd 2008
          Real change is difficult, and slow, and messy - Oliver Burkeman

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            #6
            Big Fall

            It is good listening to you guys being so honest and encouraging. Reading all these threads gives me hope, more hope than i have had in years and years.
            AF free 1st December 2013 - 1st December 2022 - 9 years of freedom

            Comment

              #7
              Big Fall

              Hi Stompy and folks. I did the same thing over the weekend also only i drank wine at home alone and missed out on a family sunday as i got drunk so early. I hav an upset tum again topday an feel crap. I haven't been on here in months so its back to posting here regular and may b back to AA meetings. Don't beat yourself up hun as others hav said move and lerarn from it like i have to. The drinking culture is bad here in Ireland most stuff revolves around the pub and al. I know its hard livi g on your own as i do and i'm single but older than you. I'm broke also after this weekend so i hav 2 get my act together as i'm already behind wit bills. Take care hun hugs.

              Comment

                #8
                Big Fall

                Thanks all for responses.
                Flat out in work but starting to come round again.
                Am more determined now to stay AF.

                Comment

                  #9
                  Big Fall

                  Hi Stompy,

                  Don't beat yourself up, just dust yourself you off and learn from it. I live in Ireland too and it's bloody difficult staying on the wagon. Even my Mum is trying to get me to have a drink and she knows how I struggle with alcohol! But, in Ireland if you're not in the gutter then you don't have a problem. I'm on day 19 AF and feeling ok. I did also go AF for 3 month about a year and a half ago. I would love to moderate but I'm still a bit scared. Good luck xxx

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Big Fall

                    Hi Stompy - I was 11 months off the bottle and screwed it up a few times in October for no reason. What a knucklehead I am! I am so mad at myself. All we can do is try our best. It sucks not being able to be a normal drinker, a moderator. But I am not wired that way and the sonner I accept that the sooner I can just get on with things! Best of luck to you - don't beat yourself up any more. Time to look forward and put the past behind you where it needs to be. Good vibes headed your way!
                    February 27th, 2013. A New , Successful Start. :h

                    When everything seems like an uphill struggle, just think of the view from the top!!

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Big Fall

                      mrsg;1202689 wrote: Hi Stompy,

                      Don't beat yourself up, just dust yourself you off and learn from it. I live in Ireland too and it's bloody difficult staying on the wagon. Even my Mum is trying to get me to have a drink and she knows how I struggle with alcohol! But, in Ireland if you're not in the gutter then you don't have a problem. I'm on day 19 AF and feeling ok. I did also go AF for 3 month about a year and a half ago. I would love to moderate but I'm still a bit scared. Good luck xxx
                      So true. My brother rang me on Fri night last to go for a drink even though he knew I was trying to avoid it. Now its not his fault I went drinking but he did put the thought in my head that hadn't been there previously. However I should have known how to deal with it.
                      As you say people feel you don't have a problem unless you're down and out.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Big Fall

                        Wagoneer;1202719 wrote: Hi Stompy - I was 11 months off the bottle and screwed it up a few times in October for no reason. What a knucklehead I am! I am so mad at myself. All we can do is try our best. It sucks not being able to be a normal drinker, a moderator. But I am not wired that way and the sonner I accept that the sooner I can just get on with things! Best of luck to you - don't beat yourself up any more. Time to look forward and put the past behind you where it needs to be. Good vibes headed your way!
                        Wow - 11 months is great. How did you go about it?

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                          #13
                          Big Fall

                          Well, after last weekend's blow out I am back on form this week feel fresh and strong.
                          Thanks for all support.

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Big Fall

                            Well done Stompy. Same position as you - feeling much stronger this time. Really wanna get to the magic 30 day mark. See you there
                            You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life? Rumi

                            :lilangel:

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Big Fall

                              we can all do this, just a matter of listening to ourselves and our friends here giving us support. i was soooo close to a wine tonight but went for a walk and talked that bloody AL devil to pee off. he is an annoying son of a bitch.
                              AF free 1st December 2013 - 1st December 2022 - 9 years of freedom

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