Picking myself up....

[Panacea]

Is it possible? I've posted here before, but not for a very long time. Hi everyone!

Just to start, I've been a "partier" since my teen years. The last 10 (I'm 47), the same but with the added bottle of wine (sometimes more) every night. Basically, I'm an alcoholic but have pretended over the years that I'm okay. Very easy to do when I'm sober or not hungover.

Anyway, my drinking led me to believe that I thought I was wealthy, sortof. I would spend (on credit of course) for pretty much anything I thought I needed. I was keeping up the Joneses, knowing I couldn't, but could have a drink or 4 and forget about it. Well, it finally caught up with me and I could no longer do it. Filed for bankruptcy Sept 2010, gave up my house and car etc. It was one of the worst things to go through emotionally. Well, now its said and done and I can't shake the guilt and feeling of being a failure, so what do I do? I'm still drinking my wine, even a little more now every night but its just making it worse. I'm isolated, try to avoid everyone. Not just because of the drinking (though I believe its magnifying the situation), but the shame and guilt of what I had to do over the last year. I feel worthless and ashamed and that I'm an outsider looking into all my friends lives. That I don't belong anymore since I'm such a failure. So my days Mon-Fri have become work, eat, drink wine, go to bed....my weekends are just lay around all day, then pop the bottle of wine. I'm not drinking early in the day (I take "pride" in the fact I can usually wait till about 5pm! Wow, quite an accomplishment!)... but I fear its only a matter of time due to the isolation. I have a teen (15) and they're doing good. I do manage to meet their commitments but I know its not on a level I'm capable of if I were sober or stronger emotionally.

My life is out there somewhere, I know it is. I just can't reach it and I know its because of the alcohol. I'm scared and alone and just want to feel better.

Thanks for listening.

[Prairie Fairy]

Picking myself up....

You are not alone. You are in the right place. Find the tool box. Birdie has has the link in the Nest. Get in the nest and stay in the nest until you are ready to make a move. And you can do this. Welcome.

[Lavande]

Picking myself up....

Hi Panacea,

Welcome back, you know this is a good place!

Don't waste another minute making the same old mistake - it won't get you anywhere. Go to the https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html & make yourself a good plan, something that works just for you!

I was a big wine drinker & in denial about it for years. It does & will catch up with you until you take the necessary steps to kick it out of your life. Work up a strong commitment to take back control now. Don't buy anymore & rid your house of any leftover. That's what I did & it worked.

You have had some rough emotional stuff happen & you need to heal. Wine won't help you regain your self esteem. Try the MWO CDs, they helped me learn to relax without AL - that was big for me!!

Drop in the Newbies Nest thread, let us know how you are doing. We're there for ongoing support
Wishing you the best!

Lav

[Accountable for Me]

Picking myself up....

It is NEVER too late to start to make the changes and start living your life.

For the longest time, I would think of how much life I wasted and the poor decisions I made because of drinking to send me back to drinking.

You can start living today!! Really living. I have had some pretty sore points in my life financially, and not to mention emotionally, but you can really get that control back once you put the drink down.

Nothing looks promising at the end of the bottle. Sobriety is where it is at, for really seeing there is light at the end of the tunnel. Plus, the depression that comes with drinking - oh, boy! I know for me, all I could ever see was despair, shame; and self-loathing was the name of my game!!

You can do this! So many of us have been where you are, and there is always HOPE!!

[BlondeAFAmbition]

Picking myself up....

:welcome:Welcome Panacea! As PF says, you are not alone. You have come to the right place. Fly on over to the Newbies Nest and pull up a twig. You will find immense support there and many newbies and senior members alike make the nest their "home away from home". In the meantime, I wanted to let you know that I have been through a very similar life situation as you. I was also a heavy wine drinker for a few decades. I am in my late 30's now and had a business in my early thirties. Due to the bad economy and I also blame my heavy drinking, I caused my husband and I to get into debt...very bad debt, way over our heads. So, also in 2010, we filed bankruptcy, Chapter 7 and erased all of that. It was a huge burden lifted...no more creditor calls, no more feeling that we would never ever get out from under the mountain of debt we had. I never in a million years thought I would go under bankruptcy...I am college educated, always had a good paying job, always wanted my own business (I had a retail store), and always thought of myself as "ahead of the game". Then it all came crashing down and I didn't have a dime to my name. It was quite a humbling experience! But we are grateful to have the option to start over financially and were able to keep our house. Just like I am grateful for having the option to get sober and start over in that regard. So slowly but surely we are building credit. I know it is shot for 7 years but that will eventually go by and we will be the better for it. I am not ashamed that we filed. I am ashamed that our country has gotten so bad regarding the economy and that the banks screwed us left and right...but I am going on a soap box and that is a whole other conversation!

Anyway, I just wanted to sympathize with you and let you know that we have all been there. If you decide to give up AL, think of how much money you will save every day. My wine habit was costing me 10-12 a day...now I can put that money in the bank or in my house. Since I closed the business, I have landed a great job, which I have had for the past 3 years and love. I feel lucky. I am glad I had the opportunity to own my own business and if the economy had been better and I had been sober, I'm sure things would have gone a bit differently in a better direction. But we live and learn as they say and I choose to only move forward right now.

Best of luck to you in your journey and welcom to MWO!:l

[windy]

Picking myself up....

Hi Panacea,

You shouldn't feel isolated at all. There are so many people with skeletons in their closets and we know nobody is perfect. Don't feel guilty or let yourself feel like a failure because you are NOT a failure. Everyone....and I mean everyone makes mistakes...It's what we learn from them that makes us better. Start thinking about yourself and take pride in the fact that you are YOU. You sound great!

If there is something out there that you want -- I fully and whole heartedly encourage you to get it. There is no time like the present. Get rid of the booze and start living your wonderful life. It really is a stealer of self respect. I know this firsthand.

What is your plan? Exercise always makes me feel better. Do you like to exercise? Come join us on the Newbies Nest too. There is a lot going on there and very supportive group of people just like yourself.

Good luck and I am glad you are reaching out.

[mrsg]

Picking myself up....

Hi Panacea,

I too know what it is like to have no money and start over. I did in my 20's after a bitter divorce where I lost my job, car, house etc... My job was in a business with my ex and he sold our car and left me without anything much. I had two very small kids at the time and really had no idea how I'd start over. At the time I realied on A way too much, but slowly sought some help, I didn't stop drinking at that time but I slowed way down. I went to see a therapist and slowly built myself up. Thats 9 years ago now and although I still have no money, I've achieved a lot. I went back to college and got an hons degree and now I am looking for a job. It's all very tough out there right now. You've made a crucial first step by coming back here. Stay in the nest and search deep inside for the strength that IS in there. We are all going through the same journey and I've found this site so very helpful. I'm on day 22 now, into my 4th week and it can be tough at times. But, I've found this site invaluable. Althogh we are all spread across the world it feels like we are in the same room. Everything will work out. I too still struggle financially as most people do at the moment. My husband lost his very well paid job about 18 months ago and things are very tough but it's only money. Best of luck, we are all here for you xxxx

[Panacea]

Picking myself up....

Thanks to all of you! I have wine in the fridge.....trash pick up is today. I want to dump it and throw it out but I'm already worried that by 4pm, I'll be working my way to the store to pick up another. I want to stop the madness....yell to the world that I AM DONE living like this. I have moments of clarity, moments of feeling strong and capable of doing it, then after a day or two, it all doesn't matter. Nothing will change, this is who I am and why fight it. Maybe I was meant to be alone and miserable. I know thats not true, but its where my mind goes so I begin drinking the wine and I forget for a moment that my life sucks, only to be reminded within that same night that "Oh yeah, I forgot.....YOU SUCK!"

Thanks again.....I'm going to make this day one AF and hope for the best.

[Panacea]

Picking myself up....

Its like there are two people in my head. I know what I must do and I want to do it, but this "other" person lies to me....leads me to believe that a glass of wine is no big deal. If I deny this "other" person, it then keeps pushing "Look at your life, you've made a mess of it...why not drink the glass". It literally talks me into believing that I deserve what I am today and that my rational thoughts and smart decisions are just a farce.

How do I get the "good me" to win this battle in my head? How do I get this "bad voice" outta my head, or atleast tell it to shut the hell up and F OFF!!!! I know "I'm" in here somewhere, I just can't find the strength to win this battle.

[Accountable for Me]

Picking myself up....

Panacea, I say dump it and be rid of it! Nothing makes a person feel better than a bit of 'empowerment'.

You are in control of you.

You do not suck! I can tell you some pretty 'sad' stories about what drinking has done to my life. As windy said, we all have skeletons in our closets and have made mistakes.

That is part of being human!!

Stop the negative, self talk! Take control today. Dump that wine and stop prolonging what truly can be a happy, fulfilling life!! xoxo

[windy]

Picking myself up....

Alcohol deserves no voice in your head....Make a ceremony out of kicking it's Fu###ing A$$.... Pour the wine down the drain and never look back....Take control and be the STRONG person you know you are. Refuse to give it anymore power. You and the good voice are in control now.

Good luck....

[mrsg]

Picking myself up....

Hi again,
When things are really tough, like they are for you Panacea, just take baby steps. Let today be a AF day and don't give tomorrow a thought. Think of all the things that are good e.g. being a great Mum to your teenager, having a job, being a good friend, daughter etc... Try to do something everyday for you. I just mediated, I'm not good at it, but I'm trying. Go for a walk, take a bath, whatever makes you feel ok. I really feel for you but have faith in yourself. Make your authentic voice far louder than the booze voice. Just one day at a time and YOUR voice will eventually be far louder than the horrible booze xxx

[daisy45]

Picking myself up....

Panacea, I know that what's ahead seems impossible at the start - we have all been there. But even one day AF makes a difference. The more you clock up the more clarity you get. Along the way you will inevitably have to face the past as you will see it for what it is and it is hard to have to face up to what we have allowed ourselves to do. You will then have a choice - drink those feelings away, like always OR change the future! There is nothing we can do about the past, but you have the future in your hands.
I have been here a year now and although I have had many slips, I am so grateful for the many AF periods where I was able to see possibilities and hope. These times are what keeps me here and striving for the AF life I know will be mine.
I know it is daunting but there is so much support here from people who know exactly how it is for you. I recently read a great book which changed my thinking a lot - 'Kick the drink...easily' by Jason Vale. Give it a go.
I truly wish you all the best. Go for your day 1 all by itself - don't think about tomorrow, just enjoy 'now'.....

[Lavande]

Picking myself up....

Panacea,
This is where commitment comes into play!
Dump the wine & vow that you will buy no more. That is exactly what I did!!!!!

I was so damn tired of disappointing myself & those around me ~ I had had enough!!!!

You can do it - we will be here with you

Lav

[looking for peace]

Picking myself up....

Panacea, There is so much great information and support on this site. People are really responsive and helpful. I feel like I can relate a lot to your post. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in a lot. I never had to file for bankruptsy but I did lose my FIL's entire inheritance that was meant for my son's college education and for my autistic son's future. It wasn't our fault.... we moved 3 and a half years ago and got caught up in the real estate bubble on 2 houses.... Anyway, just saying that I think we all have something that is our cross to bear and this site is a great place to be for support, questions and just plain venting.

I know what you mean about the two people in your head one wants the best for you and the other is a monster that cares nothing about you except for that fix. Don't let that voice win. Keep reading, keep posting! Hugs, Peace