A little background: she is in long term out patient rehab and has been in and out of programs for decades. Multiple overdoses and suicide attempts, I have had to call 911 on her so many times and intervene on her destroying herself. I have red flagged her insurance and called all her doctors but she always got pills and she drank herself into a coma every day. She had electric shock therapy, she broke bones, she had sex with ramdom guys, she even has brain damage from falling and hitting her head so much. I was always the one to take care of the other kids, and put her in rehab, talk to the doctors etc. I didn't have a mom for any of the important events in my life. I knew more about relapses than any rehab I ever put her in.
Anyway, now I have my own issue with drinking and she gave me one of her famous speeches. I told her I don't drink anymore and of course she changed the subject to herself because she is much more interesting than me. She said she had such a messed up childhood and I should feel sorry for her. Now that she's done beating herself up for everything she put us through, she sees that she was never properly loved. She also said that when I fail she will be there for me because that's what moms do.
I wanted to yell and scream and tell her my childhood was just as fucked up as hers. I wanted to cry and weep and mourn the loss of my mother who isn't dead yet. She has no idea that she continues to put us through hell. That she is not a mother or a grandmother but a patient in a facility visits once a month and makes me cry with what she's not. Because I took care of her and she didn't take care of me. She calls me with silly boyfriend problems and friend drama. I talk to her just like a mom and she talks to me just like a teenager. She calls and says "all the other daughters send their moms packages". Lol Mom it's probably their first rehab, not their 20th.
Instead of telling her how I really feel, I told her "yes Mom. I feel bad for you. And I feel bad for me too. And this stops here because my son is not going to go through it too. I'm never going to have to have this conversation with my son."
I don't think it even registered for her. She had something to go and do. But I will never forget that.
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