Shaking my head

[Nursie]

Only you guys will understand the conversation I just had with my mother.
A little background: she is in long term out patient rehab and has been in and out of programs for decades. Multiple overdoses and suicide attempts, I have had to call 911 on her so many times and intervene on her destroying herself. I have red flagged her insurance and called all her doctors but she always got pills and she drank herself into a coma every day. She had electric shock therapy, she broke bones, she had sex with ramdom guys, she even has brain damage from falling and hitting her head so much. I was always the one to take care of the other kids, and put her in rehab, talk to the doctors etc. I didn't have a mom for any of the important events in my life. I knew more about relapses than any rehab I ever put her in.

Anyway, now I have my own issue with drinking and she gave me one of her famous speeches. I told her I don't drink anymore and of course she changed the subject to herself because she is much more interesting than me. She said she had such a messed up childhood and I should feel sorry for her. Now that she's done beating herself up for everything she put us through, she sees that she was never properly loved. She also said that when I fail she will be there for me because that's what moms do.

I wanted to yell and scream and tell her my childhood was just as fucked up as hers. I wanted to cry and weep and mourn the loss of my mother who isn't dead yet. She has no idea that she continues to put us through hell. That she is not a mother or a grandmother but a patient in a facility visits once a month and makes me cry with what she's not. Because I took care of her and she didn't take care of me. She calls me with silly boyfriend problems and friend drama. I talk to her just like a mom and she talks to me just like a teenager. She calls and says "all the other daughters send their moms packages". Lol Mom it's probably their first rehab, not their 20th.

Instead of telling her how I really feel, I told her "yes Mom. I feel bad for you. And I feel bad for me too. And this stops here because my son is not going to go through it too. I'm never going to have to have this conversation with my son."

I don't think it even registered for her. She had something to go and do. But I will never forget that.

[Lavande]

Shaking my head

Nursie,

Not everyone on the planet should be a parent.
My Dad was another example & I vowed to never become like him & I didn't
Funny, I had this same conversation with a friend at lunch today. Her dad was a brilliant surgeon but a crappy dad.

Focus on yourself, your son & the things you can change. You can't change her

[Nursie]

Shaking my head

Yeah, I know Lav. I realized that a long time ago.
I just get sad about it sometimes. I feel jipped!
But I'm not gonna jip my kid that's for sure.

[available]

Shaking my head

Oh nursie what can i say but we are here for you. I think we have all had our stories and it is up to us to get on with us. I have been to a psychologist who hypnotises me to let go of my past and i found this has helped greatly. my mother married an alcoholic so i didnt have a great childhood though better than my brother who turned to alcohol and died from liver failure. Maybe you cld delegate to your other siblings to take some of the burden off your shoulders or less contact with your mother, but the feeling of guilt stays with us although it is not our fault.

stay strong and keep in touch and as Lav says only we can change ourselves

[Nursie]

Shaking my head

I'm so sorry about your brother Avail.
Alcoholism runs deep and wide in my family too.
How did you do with the hypnosis? I have thought about that. I have gone to therapy different times over the years and found it very helpful.

[available]

Shaking my head

Thank you but my brother had ostricized his whole family. He never had a nice word to say to me after taking him in etc but that was before i started really hitting the bottle also. I think if he had a better childhood things would have been much different and more strength of character he may be alive still. I suppose i had to be strong with 4 kids and a drinking husband and i just coped better but god i am on my way to where he is if i dont do something.

Loved hypnosis just loved it, the feeling afterwards of "something has gone from within me" that i had held from childhood was amazing. I am seriously thinking of going back and telling her the truth about my battles with AL which i did not mention before. oh oops forgot lol, no too ashamed, still am but i am getting there. It is worth a try but u need to find a good psychologist or hypnotist. i have a great anxiety/sleep one, cd that is!

[Nursie]

Shaking my head

I think maybe it has nothing to do with strength or character and everything with surrender. Sometimes they just won't surrender. My brother too, even after a drunken motorcycle accident almost took his life, and he was in ICU for 5 weeks. He still blames our childhood. My mom still blames hers. He blames her and she drinks because they are estranged.

I just don't want to do that. The only time I dwell on my childhood is when I'm drinking.
And if I didn't have a bad childhood, I might still be an alcoholic. I just wouldn't use it as my excuse.

I'm not saying anyone else does that, I'm just trying to be real with myself right now. I want the cycle to end here.

[available]

Shaking my head

Yes too true, my brother blamed everyone but himself and he eventually starting abusing his partners and blamed AL as the fault, never him. i used to blame my family but my mother says it runs in the family and skipped the last generation so my brother and i got the disease. I blame myself, used to blame all and sundry but it is my decision to get control of my life again. Vicious cycle really isnt it. God i remember when i first started really drinking i would just cry and cry and pity myself now i just get drunk and go oh well its my life but its not as i have 4 kids and they dont want to lose me.

Now nursie i am sure ppl who did have a perfect childhood wld have a perfect life but where wld we find the child with the perfect childhood? lol. Life is what we make it i think and some choices we make are crap.

Is your brother still drinking now or did he turn his life around?

[Steady Hands]

Shaking my head

Wow! I just had a moment!

The only time I dwell on my childhood is when I'm drinking.

The few weeks before I quit drinking was the worst! The very people that I've told for years that I was worried about my drinking rejected me. My little sister threw a glass of wine in my face, because I was too drunk according to her taste and my older sister wanted to book me into rehab... because I continued drinking for a day after she visited me unanounced and drank my wine with me till I couldn't stand on my own anymore! You hear me? I am still ANGRY at them. And I blame them!!

But we always used to play the blame game when we got together and drank and discussed our childhood (which was traumatic). And we blamed our mother mostly and to a lesser extend our alcoholic father...

The more days I spend AF, the less I want to be in contact with any drinking family member and the less I think about them and my childhood. I think about what I want to do and then plan how and feel great after doing it!

I agree to ask other family members to take more of the responsibility of your mother and have time away from it all while discovering AF Nursie. I know it is better to avoid my family now, because they would like to see me drink again. Like they tried to stuff cigarettes in my mouth when I quit that weeks before...

And I still have to work on the blaming...!!

Good luck with it all Nursie!

[awsome]

Shaking my head

Nursie;1212814 wrote: ......Instead of telling her how I really feel, I told her "yes Mom. I feel bad for you. And I feel bad for me too. And this stops here because my son is not going to go through it too. I'm never going to have to have this conversation with my son."

I don't think it even registered for her. She had something to go and do. But I will never forget that.

Quality Grade A+ attitude here and all the motivation you'll ever need when things get hairy!

[Nursie]

Shaking my head

Avail, yes he is still quite the drinker. Everyday and his girlfriend says he soaks the bed with sweat every night. We used to drink together and even then I thought I never wanted to get that bad. Though I was in my own way.
Steady, I know the feeling. They all want me to drink with them. My brother knows I'm sober and he tries to get me to drink every time I see him. I think it blows his mind that I am done with it. I'm hoping he will be next!
But I am the only one that has anything at all to do with my mother besides her own mother who lives 700 miles away and is very elderly. Everyone else has had enough and does not speak to her.
I limit it to when I am feeling strong. I don't let her visit if she's gonna rent a bunch of space in my head. I just say no.