very nervous daughter

[There Is No Spoon]

Hello!

I'm the daughter of an alcoholic Dad. I'm 28 with children of my own now and people keep telling me that there's nothing I can do. Recently we found out that he has slight brain damage due to all of this and, in spite of it, he still binges regularly and my Mother acts like he's just doing what everyone else does.

Am I supposed to just accept what people say to me about him being an adult? Does it not matter that I'm the one who has to watch her beloved Dad killing himself?

I won't go into detail about how his alcoholism has affected me because, with his illness, he is the important one. I'm here to get help for him. Maybe that might help me.

I come to you in the hopes that speaking to people with experience can help me help my Dad. In spite of it all I still love him so much. I just want him to see his Grandkids grow up.

I understand one hundred per cent if I'm not welcome here as a non addict. It's just that I've tried family support groups and talked my feelings out til I'm blue. Now I just want to find a way to act.

Many thanks,

Spoon.

[Struggles 106]

very nervous daughter

Hey Spoon

Sorry about your situation. I understnad completely. Some would recommend AL-Anon I suppose for families of alcoholics, but I've never been an AA type.
Can you talk to him about this? Does he recognize and admit he has a problem? I'm asking because my sister is in exactly the same boat-her husband is drunk EVERY day, and smokes, and definitely killing himself.
I think maybe the most critical question her is WHAT does HE want? If he wants help you can help him. If not I doubt that you can.
This place is good start, as well as AA. Like I said it's not for me but a lot of poeple do well with it.
Your intentions are heartfelt I know but you are dealing with an addiction. He has to want to save himself.

[There Is No Spoon]

very nervous daughter

Hi Ann. Yes my Dad knows he has a problem. He's been ain and off the waggon, trying so often to get help. He's even working nightshift just now to stop himself drinking at night.

I haveb't been able to talk to him but I have tried. Both my parents say that I am over reacting and only have ''my version of the truth!'' I was abused til I was 23! It is so difficult speaking to him about my feelings because it feels like I'm calling out the wrong person, if you see what I mean? Drunk dad and sober dad are so different. Sober dad is the kindest, most loving man in the world wheras drunk dad is a monster.

Thank you for taking the time to answer me. It is much appreciated.

[Struggles 106]

very nervous daughter

Hey Spoon

If he is in that category ( aware and trying) then maybe he'll agree to be more active in getting better. It is hard;it's an addiction, but it does get better.
Family dysfunction/delusion is the way it goes with addictions/enablers etc. It's hard for some people to accept the facts.
We still have the stigma associated with addiction, as if it's simply a choice. I think the stigma is far greater with alcohol. Maybe because it's legal and it sort of is more of an accepted "choice".
Maybe you could find local AA meetings and go with him. He could be the type who would love having the contact with sober people facing the same troubles.

I wish you well and you should be proud for trying to help. You are not in the wrong and neither is he. He is just sick and needs help. I hope you find it.

[nancy]

very nervous daughter

your father

Do you have any other siblings or relatives to talk to that you can check your reactions against?

That will help you get your feelings in perspective.

If you are right about him, I think you should read up a lot on this website. Traditionally, lots of people failed with AA or abstinence on their own. There are other options. For example, if someone has a severe problem, I think they should try medication, see an addiction specialist. We have a very active medication section here. I also think harm reduction is worth exploring.

This is not hopeless.

[janka]

very nervous daughter

Listen to Nancy ... plus focus on yourself. His problem is not yours.

[Nelz]

very nervous daughter

There Is No Spoon;1223589 wrote: Hello!

I'm the daughter of an alcoholic Dad. I'm 28 with children of my own now and people keep telling me that there's nothing I can do. Recently we found out that he has slight brain damage due to all of this and, in spite of it, he still binges regularly and my Mother acts like he's just doing what everyone else does.

Am I supposed to just accept what people say to me about him being an adult? Does it not matter that I'm the one who has to watch her beloved Dad killing himself?

I won't go into detail about how his alcoholism has affected me because, with his illness, he is the important one. I'm here to get help for him. Maybe that might help me.

I come to you in the hopes that speaking to people with experience can help me help my Dad. In spite of it all I still love him so much. I just want him to see his Grandkids grow up.

I understand one hundred per cent if I'm not welcome here as a non addict. It's just that I've tried family support groups and talked my feelings out til I'm blue. Now I just want to find a way to act.

Many thanks,

Spoon.

I dont know if I can offer much advice, but I can assure you, everyone is welcome in here


I also have a father that I would consider an alcoholic, he is highly functioning, as was I, and was not a mean or abusive drunk, but he does it every night. He has been doing it for as long as I can remember.

I can understand your desire to help him, and Im sure you have heard it played like a broken record, but, if he doesnt want help, you cant help him. It probably feels hopeless I know. I was coaxed, asked, begged to, to stop drinking, and I can assure you there wasnt enough money in the world to actually make me stop......and I LOVE money.

For me, it took that "hitting rock bottom", waking up in ICU, clueless as to how I got there. I pretty much decided at that moment, nothing good was ever going to happen when I was drunk. I dont want to sound crass, but maybe thats what he needs, not the hospital thing, but a rock bottom moment. Maybe he's got a little more gumption about him than I did.

It sounds like he "wants" to change, so that is certainly a step in the right direction. Have you shown him this site? Its a very sympathetic, non-judgemental place to come and learn, laugh, cry, and share experiences.

It is very theraputic for me to talk about my issues and share with others, and or, offer up what little advice I can.

I hope this helps in someway, and I wish you and him all the strength needed to battle this problem. It wont be easy, but it WILL be worth it.

[Juja]

very nervous daughter

If I were you, I'd give Al-Anon a try. I know lots of people it's helped. I believe there's also a group called Adult Children of Alcoholics--probably along the same lines as Al-Anon.

I'm sorry, but from experience I know you can't save him. Let it be, and stay away when he's drinking. It is his problem, and maybe one of the groups above could help you move past its being yours.

[redhorse]

very nervous daughter

Could he have an underlying psych issue that he doesnt know about? I drank for years before I discovered that I had an underlying mood disorder. I couldnt believe it when I saw what Lamictal did for me. Then a few months later I discovered I had primarily inattentive add which sparked the mood disorder in the first place. Scientists are discovering more and more that many addicts are nursing problems like this and dont know it. My binges were largely related to dysphoric hypomania. Maybe he would consider going for a psych evaluation not for the drinking but to look at the possibility of outruling an underlying condition. I tried the whole night shift thing too to stop drinking but it made my mood disorder worse. I was fine when I was working the nights but coming off them sent my circadian rhythms into a tailspin and I would have a few terrible drinking nights until I settled down again.
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