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    #1

    In true Nursie fashion...

    I've gone 30 days, and a couple weeks at a time. I kid myself that I am moderating when I choose to drink, but I know I am not. Although my life is far healthier and I myself am happier because I go long lengths of time AF, the times I do drink are dragging me down to that dark place again.

    Like last night, there was a family gathering and everyone was drinking. I thought it perfectly appropriate for me to do so too. Fast forward a couple of hours and I am the drunk one, again. Loud, emotional, and an embarrassment.

    I called this morning to say I was sorry, and they said they knew I've been under alot
    Of pressure and not to worry. But I simply cannot be that person.

    Alcohol ruins everything. It steals my joy. It plays the most convincing tricks on me! I'm not dealing with it anymore. Nothing should have this much power over me dammit. I'm so mad!!!

    I am happily on Day 1 once again and I can finally rest knowing that I don't have to try to control my drinking. I can't control my drinking so I won't.

    My plan is to read and post every day, take my supplements and topomax, pray every day, and remove alcohol as an option.

    I already know my most difficult times are driving home from work "through the gauntlet" where I pass my usual liquor stores. I have the most ridiculous conversations with myself trying to talk myself into and out of stopping. It's exhausting. The others are family gatherings, work events and going out to restaurants.

    Thanks for listening!
    Day 1 again 11/5/19
    Goal 1: 7 days :heartbeat:
    Goal 2: 14 days :happy2:
    Goal 3: 21 days :happy2:
    11/27/19: messed up but back on track
    12/14/19: bad doozy but back on track

    One day at a time.
    Tags: None
    #2
    In true Nursie fashion...

    Hi, Nursie.

    I'm sure we all understand that--at least I do! It probably is actually a blessing that I won't be driving for awhile, as I had the same thinking you do, and ended up stopping at the liquor store even when I did not want to. And didn't wait to get home to start drinking.
    I do find that prayer helps, and my AA books, especially 24 Hours A Day, also help me personally. I read yesterday that I cannot go back to drinking, as I have promised my Higher Power that I would not. That was very powerful for me. Also started reading something Doggy Girl sent a link for--blog from a woman whose husband is in the last stages of alcoholism. Think it may be The Drinking Diaries. Quite a read! And I now get Netflix delivered to my laptop and watched "Who Is Harry Nilsson and Why Is Everyone Lookin' For Him?" An incredibly talented singer/songwriter whose alcohol and drug habit brought him down. So sad. Alcohol can bring anybody down, and fast.
    So glad you are back on board! Keep reading and posting!

    TDN
    "One day at a time."

    Comment

      #3
      In true Nursie fashion...

      Alcohol ruins everything. It steals my joy. It plays the most convincing tricks on me! I'm not dealing with it anymore. Nothing should have this much power over me dammit. I'm so mad!!!
      Great words Nursie -- You said it all in one, never more true, statement.

      Comment

        #4
        In true Nursie fashion...

        Thank you, I will look into the blog and documentary. I always loved Nilsson.
        My emotions are high today. I'm sad and angry at myself.
        I hate the person I am when I'm drinking and I never want to be that person again. I never want to betray myself that way, being pathetic, someone that has to be "tolerated" while they are drinking.

        Hey alcohol, you're a freakin asshole. I'm leaving you!
        Day 1 again 11/5/19
        Goal 1: 7 days :heartbeat:
        Goal 2: 14 days :happy2:
        Goal 3: 21 days :happy2:
        11/27/19: messed up but back on track
        12/14/19: bad doozy but back on track

        One day at a time.

        Comment

          #5
          In true Nursie fashion...

          Hi Nursie! Oh yes, I've been that person who gets drunk at family parties too and felt so bad afterwards. And I come from a family of alcoholics. I remember my dear sister telling me that she was always afraid to let me hold her new baby because she knew I'd been drinking and thought I'd drop her...that just makes me cringe now....I wish I could moderate, really I do. I WANT to drink!!! There, I'll admit it. I really do want to drink - no point in fooling myself. But I simply can't - that's the God's Truth. So, that must be the truth for you too, eh?

          Can you drive home by another route? Keep praying! Keep posting! Let's do this together. I'm taking Topamax too and am at .50 morning and afternoon. Not doing much for cravings just yet, but I sure have to stay off the highway!!! Wow it makes me a tad loopy! I'll have to order some from River as I can't get any here. I think it will work in the long run. I'm determined that this is my time for success. I hope this is YOUR time too.
          Ask yourselves, would you rather be a non drinker with an occasional desire to drink or a drinker with a constant desire to stop doing it?
          (quote from Bean )

          Goal: Survival

          Comment

            #6
            In true Nursie fashion...

            Oh MWOlady I hope it is both of our times to be successful! Yes, I want to drink. Not today, but after the guilt wears off and I go a spell without drinking, I feel I should or could or can. I know deep down I have been postponing the inevitable. I also come from a family of alcoholics. And my sister took her baby from my arms last night very gently. I too cringe that she tried not to embarrass ME by offering to take the baby.
            The Topamax definitely makes you loopy but it wears off after a few weeks. You can tell your six you want it for migraines or depression if you want. Those are approved uses.
            Day 1 again 11/5/19
            Goal 1: 7 days :heartbeat:
            Goal 2: 14 days :happy2:
            Goal 3: 21 days :happy2:
            11/27/19: messed up but back on track
            12/14/19: bad doozy but back on track

            One day at a time.

            Comment

              #7
              In true Nursie fashion...

              Hey Nursie

              Sounds like you are getting fed up-good! It really does get so tiresome, drinking and being stupid, guilt,shame,apologizing. I also remember the sense of relief when apologizing and the episode is downplayed by the person you are apologizing to. I believe this goes into the part of the brain that still tries to say "it's not that bad".

              I got sick of being the family drunk as well as the company drunk at work. Such a tremendous amount of energy to waste cleaning up drinking messes. For a while I had a brother who was the family drunk but he's been sober for 17 years. SO then it was me and I guess now I've passed the torch to my sister. All in the family dysfunction.

              At just over 3 months I notice that there was a LOT of time wasted drinking. The hours I used to put into it are now free for good stuff. I'm taking baby steps, just figuring out who I am and what I really want to do. Nice.

              I wish you well and I think you sound very determined. Alcohol does ruin everything. All the same stuff is there to deal with but without alcohol adding to the madness it's a lot easier.

              Stay strong

              Comment

                #8
                In true Nursie fashion...

                Thank you all for posting. I had a productive day. I found a wonderful health food store though they didn't have any magnesium oil. (I've been looking for it everywhere!) I ate some wonderful Indian food, went to the library and I'm now doing things around the house.
                I'm looking forward to day 2.
                Day 1 again 11/5/19
                Goal 1: 7 days :heartbeat:
                Goal 2: 14 days :happy2:
                Goal 3: 21 days :happy2:
                11/27/19: messed up but back on track
                12/14/19: bad doozy but back on track

                One day at a time.

                Comment

                  #9
                  In true Nursie fashion...

                  Keep posting Nursie, good to talk to you today.
                  Ask yourselves, would you rather be a non drinker with an occasional desire to drink or a drinker with a constant desire to stop doing it?
                  (quote from Bean )

                  Goal: Survival

                  Comment

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