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**betty boop** · January 9, 2007, 03:11 PM

So ashamed ..

Hi Toby, nice to have you here :welcome:

We've all been there,

You've made a start by posting here, so :goodjob:

Dig deep and find the motivation that you need to stop, you have all the help and support that you can use on this site.

All the best, Love & hugs, Paula xx

**Preciouspinot** · January 9, 2007, 03:15 PM

So ashamed ..

We have all felt ashamed at one point or another about thinngs we have said..done...ect... It sounds like you've already taken the important first steps, and have all the tools to start the program and have posted your concerns to those of us here. It sounds clique' but, it is true that time does heal all wounds and the
more sober you become the stronger you will become and the pain and feelings of shame will begin to dissapate.....Best of luck and welcome

**Beaches** · January 9, 2007, 03:15 PM

So ashamed ..

Hi Toby
I can so relate. When I drink too much I wake up and my stomach just turns. I lie there in shame trying to remember the night before. What did I say, what did I talk about. Shame and embarrassment are such terrible feelings. The only thing I have found that works is what you have said you have in your possession. I have recently started the supp's, the topa (second week) and have the cd's (only listened to one) and am trying to exercise (started pilates). You have the tools...use them. I have not stopped drinking all together at all but I no longer get drunk. I wake up feeling great.
Good luck to you. I feel your pain. Stay here.

**Popeye** · January 9, 2007, 03:21 PM

So ashamed ..

I know exactly what you mean toby.
I drink and drink until I often can't remember what I've said to people. I have to be told. That was one of the biggest reasons for me to stop. I am by nature quite a reserved person, though judging by the amount of yapping I do on these boards, you wouldn't know it.
I used to wake up ,quite recently, full of self-loathing and shame....not knowing what terrible things I might have said to my wife. That's stopped now. I wake up clear headed and guilt free. It really is the most rewarding experience.
I am not very far along the road to where I want to be, but the way ahead is already clear to me.
This is a great site.
Good luck!

**toby** · January 9, 2007, 03:24 PM

So ashamed ..

Thanks so much even just hearing that other people feel the same makes me feel a ittle better about myself .. you know when you tell people such personal things when drunk you leave yourself so open and vulnerable and thus peple feel they have the right to tell you what you should do and how you SHOULD behave .. its as if you've given them the right to judge you basically, then its catch 22 because it makes you feel worse about yourself and so the spiral of self hatred and shame continues .. I wouldn't mind but most of my 'friends' have their own problems, who doesn't but they way they speak to me sometimes with their patronising 'I'm better and happier than you so I feel a lot better about myself now that I know you're sufffering' makes me soooo angry .. I would never treat a friend like that ... anyhoo its one of the motivations behind me making changes its a real I'll show them way, so I should be grateful to them eh!!!!

**Roxy1234** · January 9, 2007, 04:02 PM

So ashamed ..

Hi Toby,
I am new here too. I can totally relate to your feelings of shame. That is the reason I stopped drinking around people. Everyone thinks I have stopped but I have continued it in the privacy of my own home. So now the shame has taken on a whole new life of it's own because I am living a lie.

I just got the supplements and the CDs, and am embarking on a program of abstinence starting today.

You have found a good place to hang out here! People are very kind, and we can certainly all relate to one another when it comes to issues with drinking. Good luck to you and don't waste any more time beating yourself up!

Roxy

**dilayne** · January 9, 2007, 04:09 PM

So ashamed ..

Dear Toby,
YES! I'm sure you see that many of us have been there. Forgive yourself ...there seems to be a part of you that needs to be heard, to be known and to be understood...it's too bad that most of us stuff that need until we've sufficiently removed all the barriers. You've done a good thing by expressing all of this here..one of the greatest gifts of the community. It gives us that place to express our deepest selves, until that need is eventually quenched. I felt that way a lot in the past, even when I wasn't drinking..if I found someone I thought I could talk to, I just spilled over and endlessly like a broken dam...I eventually channelled all of that up and took it into therapy...it's taken a year to get it all out...the need to be heard is diminishing now, but only after it was satisfied. Be gentle...you are probably being the harshest on yourself...you may be surprised that some of the recipients of your stories may be more understanding than you think.
(hugs)
Di

**InnerStrength** · January 9, 2007, 04:10 PM

So ashamed ..

Oh Toby. I so relate to that. So many times, I have drank too much and poured my heart out to people about such personal things that I absolutely never would have told that person sober. It's so embarassing and it makes me not want to see them again. Worst yet, it makes me uncomfortable to be around them, because I know they know all of my "secrets" and feel "bad" for me etc. I really do relate to that!
That was one of the main reasons I came to this board - I was so tired of waking up ashamed and thinking, "oh God, not AGAIN!" - and things have gotten a lot better - they will for you too, I promise. Just stick close and let us know if we can do anything to help.
Hugs,
Jen

**Accountable for Me** · January 9, 2007, 04:24 PM

So ashamed ..

Welcome!

I use to be the life of the party once upon a time ago.... being the 'good time gal', the one who was always smiling when I was drinking. Very personable and very popular.... then...............

After a few years of abusing it excessively, I developed the Dr. Jekyl-Mr. Hyde syndrome. When I drink, I am angry, verbally abusive, emotional, defensive, tell everyone off etc... make plans while I have the buzz - forget about them when I am drunk. ETC., ETC., ETC. I wasn't into socializing anymore. Just sat at home and got drunk day after day basically.

You, my friend, are not alone. You will find some comfort while reading through the posts here. And you will get the support you need as well. The shame and your guilt will subside in time. I am CERTAIN anyone who is close to you and who care for you know it is the alcohol.

I have been AF for 11 days now. I must say I am feeling so much better than I have in along time. I did almost three weeks in December, but don't remember feeling this good. But I think it was because I really wasn't committed to staying AF and knew deep down inside I was going to drink during the holidays - and I did. (shocker!)

Welcome aboard again! You can do it, I know you can! And don't walk around feeling paranoid about what others think about you. They are just concerned and don't know how to deal with someone who gets out of control drunk. Just start focussing on yourself. Before long they will see you as you again, and all will be forgotten!

**Moonwalker** · January 9, 2007, 07:55 PM

So ashamed ..

i relate to a lot of the posts here. I am on here for my own problems with alcohol but they are not as severe as my wife's and i have found myself often on the receiving end of the jeckyl hyde characters. I have put up with it because of my love for my wife but it has come close a number of times.

She is aware of the problem and has joined me in moderating and so far so good. we only had one relapse over the xmas period and that was new years eve and since then we have been skiing at the weekend and we plan to do this regulary to keep us away from the pubs and interested in something else.

As for the shame? My wife has treated me so badly sometimes that most would have given up but i truly love her and when i said 'for better for worse' i meant it as i know did she (whole different story). Because i know she is serious about addressing this problem, forgiveness comes ever so easy for someone you love and care about.

So my advice is the same as everone here. Deal with it your own way with the support of similar minded people on here and once you do this, this will admirably become apparent to everyone else. Those who care about you will be overjoyed for you. Those who were 'friends' will disappear up their own back sides but no loss there.

Have faith in yourself and good luck.

**Nicole2003** · January 10, 2007, 06:24 AM

So ashamed ..

Yes i can definantely relate to that! I can tolerate the headaches and nausea the next day, but the shame is a killer! I'm not sure when its worse, when I can remember what I've said or when I can't remember anything and I'm left guessing. But you are taking the right steps now. Here's to a brighter clearer future.

nicolexx

**toby** · January 10, 2007, 08:32 AM

So ashamed ..

God its so good to hear this from you all .. I think when you live the way we do day to day in the 'real' world, we just think we are the only ones going through this so feel even more of a 'freak' .. I tell myself all the time that everyone has their problems, most people don't tell everyone though like I do! Sometimes I think we'd all be happier if people were more open with each other and most importantly LESS JUSGEMENTAL.
These friends I talk about have been friends for over 20 years and yet I have such feelings of anger and resentment and bitterness towards them .. for years I was the listener and simply listened, was never heard or never wanted to be heard actually .. now when its my time to talk and admit my problems they judge me and are almost smug about it .. you know what tho I know a lot of the feelings I have towards them are really how I feel about myself, I'm just angry towards them too because they know so much, and thats sooooo my own fault .. I need to learn some self respect before I deal with others .. and the only way I can do that is to get out of this awful shameful behaviour that is all related to drinking ..
Di your words made such sense. when you mention the need to be heard .. I did therapy for a year but stopped over a year ago as I felt I had things under control (yet I never admitted to my therapist I had a problen with alcohol even though she constantly suggested it!) maybe its time to go back, I will start with the cd's and supplements first then think about going back .. think I need to to do it, do you talk to your therapist about your drinking? I think I was afraid to in case she told me to stop, I used to lie to her when she asked me about my level of drinking, not a great start to therapy eh!!

Thank you all so much x

**hidden_gem** · January 11, 2007, 04:39 AM

So ashamed ..

Hi Toby,

I am just amazed at the way you describe things... it is so similar to my own experiences.

Although no-one that knows me out there in the "real world" would ever guess, I am actually very shy on the inside. Sometimes I feel like I can read people very well, and I am aware when they are covering things up. For example, the overconfident person who always has to make out they know more than anyone else. Or the angry person who is actually very depressed.

In the past when I've been drinking with someone who I feel is hiding some hurt, I've shared more than I should in order to get them to open up. Subconsciously I feel that the barriers are down and therefore I reach out by showing my own vulnerability.

That's how it starts anyway... then the drinks keep flowing and then the rest of the night is a blur... I wake up just feeling embarrassed and can't remember what I said. Just Gem trying to save the world and ending up just making a fool of herself!

You know you are not alone now. And you know that things can change. You can do it. And you'll never need to feel ashamed again.

Gem

**toby** · January 11, 2007, 03:09 PM

So ashamed ..

Oh my God Gem that is sooo true! I too am known for having deep indepth conversations with people as I love listening to people and getting to know them and their problems .. like you too I slowly start opening up to them until as you say the drink flows and before I know it I'm telling them EVERYTHING and just not listening to them anymore .. my Husband quite harshly told me recently that on nights out he looks over at me after a certain amount of time only to see me bending someones ear and that person looking embarassed or once or twice making faces behind my back as of to say 'rescue me' .. thats nice to hear eh .. especially as I really take things to heart and am ultra sensitive .. its amazing reading other peoples stories and going yes yes thats me!! Makes me feel at lot better thats for sure .. at least we're interesting and have a story to tell eh!!!!!!! Jesus you have to laugh ...

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