Hi,
So where to start..I am new to this board (posted once on the meds thread, but that does not really count but not new to alcohol. Have been drinking almost every night for the past 2 years, poison of choice is wine, about 1 1/2 bottles a night! I had enough, so went to my doc for advice and meds. He was not very helpful on either and just gave me naltrexon, which made me feel awful (I only took it for 4 days). however he did refer me to a great councling service who I have seen twice.
I have read a lot of posts here and I can relate to a lot, esp the waking up in the morning, feeling awful, promising not to drink, get to 12pm, feeling better, still promise not to drink, get to 5pm, feeling much better and stop at the bottle shop on the way home to pick up wine. Only to start it all again the next day.
One thing with me, is that my dependance is not YET physical, it is physcological, I dont get cravings, but I want to drink, cause I like the taste and the way it makes me feel. Previous to these 2 years of drinking, I was AF free for 7years. I stopped drinking when I found out I was pregnant with my second child and by the time she was born, I had no thoughts to drink, hence the 7 years. Previous to that, I drank for 3 years, almost every day, with 2 years AF before that when pregnant with my first child and a year after her birth.
So after a lot of soul searching and thinking, I have come to the conclusion that if I can't drink (like when I was pregnant), I just dont drink. There is no internal drink/no drink argument in my head if I cannot drink, so the thought of drinking goes away. After speaking to my counceller, I are going to try antabuse, cause I can't drink on it, so I won't drink! I am too scared to drink on it. however my councellor did say that we need to continue therepy as we need to get to the bottom on this cycle of drinking, stopping drinking, starting drinking, stopping..My councellor is going to find a dr who will prescribe antabuse (my Dr won't prescribe it)
So here I am today, with proberbly no antabuse in sight for another two weeks. I am trying to make have a couple of AF days this week and next ..made a whole 2 this week
I am in this alone, I have not told my husband that I am seeking treatment, as he will see me as weak and just tell me to toughen up (which he has said to me before). My counceller is not too happy that I have not told my hubbie or anyone else. Maybe I will tell him when I get the antabuse....I told my councellor about MWO and she suggested I make contact, cause that way I am not alone (I am taking her advise)
So how am I feeling today...guilty for drinking last night, trying not to think about drinking tonight (there is AL in the house....bad bad bad) I NEED that antabuse, I NEED the reason to not drink.
My friends, family, co-workers and everyone else would be shocked that I am an alcoholic, I have a good job, a successfull career, great kids, good family life. Maybe I am just good at hiding it. I hate (that is a strong word I know..) those that can have a couple of drinks every so often, everyone I speak to seems to be able to do that. Why can't I ???
Enough Rambling from me for today. Looking foward to being AF forever
I wont be able to post everyday (cannot post @work), but will come here as often as I can
Jo
So where to start..I am new to this board (posted once on the meds thread, but that does not really count but not new to alcohol. Have been drinking almost every night for the past 2 years, poison of choice is wine, about 1 1/2 bottles a night! I had enough, so went to my doc for advice and meds. He was not very helpful on either and just gave me naltrexon, which made me feel awful (I only took it for 4 days). however he did refer me to a great councling service who I have seen twice.
I have read a lot of posts here and I can relate to a lot, esp the waking up in the morning, feeling awful, promising not to drink, get to 12pm, feeling better, still promise not to drink, get to 5pm, feeling much better and stop at the bottle shop on the way home to pick up wine. Only to start it all again the next day.
One thing with me, is that my dependance is not YET physical, it is physcological, I dont get cravings, but I want to drink, cause I like the taste and the way it makes me feel. Previous to these 2 years of drinking, I was AF free for 7years. I stopped drinking when I found out I was pregnant with my second child and by the time she was born, I had no thoughts to drink, hence the 7 years. Previous to that, I drank for 3 years, almost every day, with 2 years AF before that when pregnant with my first child and a year after her birth.
So after a lot of soul searching and thinking, I have come to the conclusion that if I can't drink (like when I was pregnant), I just dont drink. There is no internal drink/no drink argument in my head if I cannot drink, so the thought of drinking goes away. After speaking to my counceller, I are going to try antabuse, cause I can't drink on it, so I won't drink! I am too scared to drink on it. however my councellor did say that we need to continue therepy as we need to get to the bottom on this cycle of drinking, stopping drinking, starting drinking, stopping..My councellor is going to find a dr who will prescribe antabuse (my Dr won't prescribe it)
So here I am today, with proberbly no antabuse in sight for another two weeks. I am trying to make have a couple of AF days this week and next ..made a whole 2 this week
I am in this alone, I have not told my husband that I am seeking treatment, as he will see me as weak and just tell me to toughen up (which he has said to me before). My counceller is not too happy that I have not told my hubbie or anyone else. Maybe I will tell him when I get the antabuse....I told my councellor about MWO and she suggested I make contact, cause that way I am not alone (I am taking her advise)
So how am I feeling today...guilty for drinking last night, trying not to think about drinking tonight (there is AL in the house....bad bad bad) I NEED that antabuse, I NEED the reason to not drink.
My friends, family, co-workers and everyone else would be shocked that I am an alcoholic, I have a good job, a successfull career, great kids, good family life. Maybe I am just good at hiding it. I hate (that is a strong word I know..) those that can have a couple of drinks every so often, everyone I speak to seems to be able to do that. Why can't I ???
Enough Rambling from me for today. Looking foward to being AF forever
I wont be able to post everyday (cannot post @work), but will come here as often as I can
Jo
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