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    #1

    my realization...

    Hi everyone...

    So...I've spent a lot of time lurking for the past few months and after much mental debating, I think I'm ready to jump in so to speak. Like many others, no ultimate "rock bottom" moment but rather lots of little incidents and more and more feeling of guilt and dissapointment strung together over the last year or two that I've been drinking.

    I was never a huge party-er (sp?) Even in my younger college days. Not really even in my 20's. My wedding day wasn't even a big drinking occasion, I focused more on enjoying my company then drink. Fast forward to my 30's...having my first and only child...suffering sever postpartum depression. Then the death of my beloved father in law (very close to in laws) four years ago. My mother in law became my "drinking buddy" following his terminal diagnosis. We bonded over gried at the bar...one..two..sometimes three or four nights a week while my husband took care of our house, child etc. All the while supportive b/c afterall, I was "helping" his mother. Well this has continued now and resulted in drinking too much and I'm so shamed to say driving when I know I have no business. Waking up witht the guilt of doing what I did, wasting an entire day/night getting wasted and the worst not remembering. I've started having more frequent black outs. I don't think that is normal. The last straw was the other day. Saturday lunch turned into saturday night drinking and barely remembering how I got home. My husband almost joked about it the next day to make me feel better I think...but I know in my heart it has to stop. I don't want to keep letting them down. And just like so many here, I am ok every now and again to have one or two. But then I just can't stick to it and end up binging. I'm going to be 40 this year and really want to stop this. I keep questioning whether or not I belong here and "what" I am...but clearly I must know the answer if I am posting thanks for listening. I'm on day 3... I look forward to seeing everyone, this seems to be a tremendous support system
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    #2
    my realization...

    Hi Massmom and welcome!

    I can relate to your story. I am also very close to my (ex) mother-in-law and really began drinking heavily when my husband (at the time) and I moved in with her and father-in-law. They were big, everyday drinkers, and soon I became one too. I was in my early twenties then, and now, like you, I am hitting 40 this year. I became a daily binge/blackout drinker. I am a single mother, so thinking back I am quite ashamed of how many nights I was passed out with a child in the house. I've had 2 DUI's (11 years ago), but alas, those were not my "bottoms". I can't pick one specific event, just a cumulation of years of embarrassment, shame, anxiety, depression, regret, guilt, etc, etc, that I FINALLY got tired of. I hated sitting up at 3am every morning scrambling for my phone to see who I'd called or texted and trying to piece together the night before. The anxiety that I experienced was unbearable.

    I have been on MWO for 2 years and have pieced together a lot of sober time, thanks to the many supportive folks here, and also my doctor has been a tremendous source of encouragment. I don't know if you'd consider medical help or medication, but if so, please just ask, there is a lot of experience around here.

    I'm glad you've found us and hope to get to know you better. Oh, and congratulations on day 3....that's the hardest part! Keep it up and stick close to us!

    K9
    :heart:I love my daughter more than alcohol:heart:

    Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think.

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      #3
      my realization...

      You have found a great place for help here. I think we all can relate to your story. So many us of start out drinking later in our lives (just after the typical 20's party lifestyle) and we cant understand how we got to this point. I remember thinking in the first years of my drinking, in my mid to late 30's that i knew i must have a problem even though i had no consequences from my drinking. I just knew when i drank that i drank too much but i had no idea what to do about it. I didnt get serious about stopping until the last two years, i am now 44. Again no consequences from my drinking, just horrible guilt and realizing that i was wasting my life.

      You dont have to hit rock bottom to fix this. Just recognizing and asking for help will be huge in making progress. Next make sure you have a daily plan and keep away from places, people or things that you associate with drinking, hard i know but thats where the daily plan comes in. Tell yourself everyday multiples times a day, I do not drink. And come here lots, read and post and connect with people. It really helps when you are feeling weak or tempted to know you can come here and find help.

      You can do this!!!!!
      AL free since March 17th 2011...loving this life. No drinking no matter what.

      Hi my name is Lori and i am so happy to be here.

      Comment

        #4
        my realization...

        Thanks everyone! i just spent a few minutes typing and my damn blackberry ate it...LOL
        Thanks for everyone's response, after lurking and reading so much on the archives i feel like I already know you K-9, wow it seems we have alot in common, i have read some of your previous posts and they really inspire me! Red- you are right avout avoiding situations- that's when i have triggers. I've actually been fine for the first few days since the saturday incident is still fresh in my mind but usually after about a week or so i find myself becoming complacent and let myself get sucked back into the lure of AL... I have to find a way to brooch it with my mother in law. Lately during the week I've had alot going on with my son so that's been a good excuse as to why I can't go out and it's served well as an "out" but I know i eventually have to address it. How do you handle this topic with people that are used to seeing you drink or looking to go out? It's like I'm not ready to shout that I have a problem from the rooftops but I certainly recognize it and want to be careful...

        Comment

          #5
          my realization...

          Welcome massmom x
          Stella

          Back to the beginning day 02 Jan 2013

          Grateful for MWO :thanks:

          Comment

            #6
            my realization...

            Massmom-
            I rarely get offered alcohol since I did most of my drinking at home, alone...so I don't have a group of people that expect me to. But the rare occasions that I did, I simply said "I don't drink much anymore". Most people will accept it easily, and if they don't, it makes you wonder what THEIR problem is. You don't have to justify yourself to people. I've also said "I don't drink anymore because it makes me feel sick, must be my old age"...that way they can start making fun of me turning the big 4-0 and get off the topic of alcohol. LOL
            Anyway, keep up your good work!
            K9
            :heart:I love my daughter more than alcohol:heart:

            Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think.

            Comment

              #7
              my realization...

              Hi Massmom,

              Welcome! I really liked your post, I can identify with the way you feel about drinking.

              Have you checked out the toolbox thread? https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

              There were some good threads about how to "get out of drinking" around the holidays (Thanksgiving/Christmas) in the Newbies Nest or General Discussion sections.
              "When you have faults, do not fear to abandon them." Analects of Confucius
              AF 11/12/11

              Comment

                #8
                my realization...

                good morning everyone...I wish i could get on here sooner but for whatever reason i am having trouble posting with my blackberry and i really don't want to use my work laptop but i figured i would jump on quick and let everyone know i've done well and here's to starting day 6 AF!! I've been keeping close by reading all i can here which is a huge help. we had dinner out the other night and i ordered a diet coke with lime which is fast becoming my new drink of choice. this weekend will certainly test my resolve as we are going out to celebrate valentine's day and hubby will more than likely question my not drinking...in a kidding manner but i'mnot sure how i will approach it. Like i had said before i am not sure how comfortable i am in declaring my decision to go AF since it's almost akin to going on a diet or quitting smoking- then if you "slip" no one takes it seriously. But i think i need to focus more on how I feel and not everyone else. I do have to say that i am feeling so good about this and how I feel. More energy. I sat last night reading the boards and conjured up all the guilt over so much time i have wasted on AL...all the times I drove after having such a "fun" night...scrambling in the morning in hangover hell still probably reeking of booze and maybe still buzzed dropping my child off at school. having the mental debate about calling in "sick" because, you know, that stomach thing is back again. It makes me shudder.....

                I'm logging on to work now, I work from home monday and friday which is great! Hope to catch up with everyone later. Thanks for the kind words and support!!!

                Comment

                  #9
                  my realization...

                  Hey Massmom

                  Sounds like you have a good grip on the situation at the moment. I hope you can get through the weekend without alcohol. Seems you've already realized that drinking is not
                  conducive to fun, but to bad juju in lots of ways.

                  Stay strong and have a good weekend

                  Comment

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