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My testamonial--the booze paradox (long)

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    My testamonial--the booze paradox (long)

    What other (commonly used) substance can make you soooo "giddy" from just after you stop feeling lousy from the previous night ("giddy" because you know you're going to drink yet again--you think it's something really "fun" to look forward to), until you have drunk enough that you are "wrecked" for the remainder of yet another evening???

    I promised this so here it is. Not sure how to start or how to organize, so I'll just list 10 points referring to my personal experience with coming to dislike alcohol VERY much.

    1] I am a 40 year old physician. I am married to a wonderful woman and have 2 sons, 5 yo and 4yo. I am an accomplished runner and photographer. Alcohol has diminished much of my life since I first got drunk on Budweiser at an Alice Cooper (fathom THAT!!) concert at about age 16. Don't get me wrong, life is really good for me, but it can be a whole lot better.

    2] I started with beer. Now it's wine. For me, high end beer and wine have always had a certain allure. I did a lot of homebrewing and now I have a large wine collection. I've read Allen Carr's book and I like it a lot. I think he's a little rigid on some things, but even if I choose to drink again, I fully believe that I will be ingesting a poison. At this point in my life I see very little, if any good that alcohol (in any amount) can do for anyone.

    3] I've always been a "controlled" or "responsible" drinker. My pattern starts at 5 or 6PM, when I drink a bunch (like a bottle of wine) until, like I say, I'm "wrecked" for the evening. The sick part is I'll be "wrecked" but not so bad that I can't get the kids a bath, read them a story, take care of the house, etc... Just "wrecked" enough so that I know I am far less than I could be for yet another evening. Now don't get me wrong here, I do have a brother who IS a run-of-the-mill alcoholic, and another who is a crack addict, but I've never seen myself traveling down those roads. I'm just a "happy" "responsible" drinker.

    4] I regularly abstain, out of necessity. When I take call (sometimes for 3 nights), I don't consume a drop. I always feel GREAT after this happens, then reward myself on the first non-call night by drinking a lot to the point of feeling lousy all over again. You'd think I'd learn wouldn't you?

    5] I have a firm rule--one drop and NO driving. Yes, I am a "responsible" drinker. Also, I'm not to "drink one and the next thing is that I'm passed out". No, I drink precisely enough to "dumb myself down" for the night, then stop. I've had some awful hangovers in my life, but for me MOST nights simply result in a "usual" hangover that simply places me severely behind the 8-ball nearly every morning.

    6] Again, I drink "high end". I drank great beers (brewed my own for many years), and now "fine" wines. I know all the names and pronunciations. I can talk the talk at work and am hip and cool. I am fun when I drink with others. Also, there's this certain "cozy" or "comfy" factor of relaxing every night with some form of booze in your hand. Problem is, for me, it always ends with me being essentially useless as a human being for the remainder of my night (that's just for ME, how useless am I as a husband and father?).

    7] 4, 5, and 6 are the sadistic trap (the pitcher plant that Allen Carr speaks of) that make me absolutely hate alcohol. On one level you're hip, you're cool, you're sophistocated. If I choose to, I could probably live out my life repeating [3] daily and nothing "awful" would come of it. But on another level, I know that I am no different that the street dude drinking the cheapest booze available mainly for the "drunk numbness" that it offers. Really--it is no different. Take away the "Barolo" "Bordeaux" or "Chateauneuf" window dressing and it's just the same old poison that, on balance, ruins a large proportion of EVERY day of your life.

    8] When I do want to stop completely (I firmly believe this to be the only correct solution), I HATE that nagging feeling of "sigh--what on earth will I do tonight to make life FUN?" Any body else experience this?

    9] Being 40, I know that certain things happen due to aging. I see some things (some here have mentioned skin changes) about myself however, that I suspect may be due to pickling myself in this poison on a daily basis for the past 20 years. Can some here cite a few more and let me know if things get better with long term abstinence?

    10] Lastly (again), how dumb am I? As I said, I am an accomplished runner. I've run 53 minutes for 10 miles and 2:33 for the marathon. The last time I flirted with these kind of times was about 10 years ago--precisely the time when I began getting into "high end" wines and drinking a LOT of it daily. I train every day ( I AVERAGED 9 miles per day last year) and have seen my times go absolutely nowhere. This is not due to aging, 40 year olds run kick-a$$ times all the time. Gosh, I abstained for >2 weeks this August and proceeded to run my best 10 mile time in ~7 years (on a HOT day). Think there'a a correlation there? For me running is THE physical accomplishment that defines who I am. I keep having this "pipe dream" that if I can manage to stay away from the booze, then my running will take off again. Perhaps. But even if it doesn't, I'll still be happy to run 5 or 10 miles every day. Alcohol has put the damper on enough of my days that I think I am finally ready to swear off it.
    ...and this is my "hobby". How "dumbed down" have I been for 20 years in every other aspect of my life??

    I could post 500 more. Anyone else's alcohol story similar to mine?

    BTW--no drinking last night with the neighbors, as I planned NOT to do. And guess what, on balance, it was more fun than if I had been "wrecked" by midway through dinner. Problem is (have you all had similar scenarios?) it's more difficult trying to explain why you are chosing to abstain from the poison, than actually not doing it. I told them that I had a headache while they "enjoyed" some crappy Chardonnay and a "red from Monteray". But I've had it with this. I think from now on, I'm simply going to say "I don't want any alcohol, it makes me feel lousy" and leave it at that. They can think what they want.
    How paradoxical is it that my wife (my main wine drinking partner) has expressed alarm thousands of times with my alcohol consumption and asked me to cut down many, many times. Yet--when she noticed that I had chosen to abstain several months ago, was JUST AS ALARMED!!! She was all freaked out and suspicious. She was asking if I had gotten a DUI or something. It was as if I had a lot of explainin' to do after making this (ultimately wonderful) choice.

    Funny and tricky thing this alcohol is.

    Sorry this is long and scatterbrained. This is just the tip of the iceberg, but I just wanted to get one little iota of it off my chest.

    BFF

    #2
    My testamonial--the booze paradox (long)

    Hi Booze free fox and :welcome:

    It's lovely to have you here, Sounds to me like you have an excellent plan.

    Yes your posting sounds soooo familiar, there are many of us here that can relate to you.

    Im sure that you will get all the help and support that you need on these boards.

    Take care, Paula :h :l :h
    sigpicXXX

    Comment


      #3
      My testamonial--the booze paradox (long)

      Hi BFF, welcome, and YES, my story is similar. I'm a highly functioning wino myself. Professional legal career, fine wine, active in triathlons. You're most certainly not alone. We winos come in all shapes and sizes, from all walks of life.

      You asked about seeing positive physical changes when being AF...to name one that I have noticed the most, after only 7 days on the supplements and no hooching, my skin is clearing up like some type of miracle. The dryness and blotchiness are better each day. My eyes are also clearing up, which I love. I HATE that "wine haze" that they get, even if they are not red, they are dull and lifeless, much like looking at a dead fish.

      Also, I know it's not my imagination that my blood sugar is evening out. My appetite has plummeted (returned to NORMAL) without all of the alcohol toxins and sugar to drive it bonkers.

      But hey! I know I am preaching to the choir here. You're a doc, so you already know what alcohol does to the human body. It sounds like you're ready to turn a corner This is a great place to do it. As a physician, I'm sure you'll appreciate the brilliance of treating a chemical brain-altering addiciton with nutrition, exercise, brain rewiring (the hyno CDs are great), etc...it's just common sense!

      So welcome aboard :welcome:

      a fellow wino,
      Roxy

      Comment


        #4
        My testamonial--the booze paradox (long)

        Great post! I really connected with the part about its more difficult trying to explain why you are chosing to abstain from the poison, than actually not doing it......I find more friends at parties are in my face with alcohol and wondering why I choose not to....like you said....just lay it on the line...NO MORE ALCOHOL FOR ME....MAKES ME FEEL LOUSY! Well, good for you! More power to you and your making great choices...best of luck on your abstaining!

        Comment


          #5
          My testamonial--the booze paradox (long)

          Welcome BoozeFreeFox! Like the others said, I think you know what the alcohol does to the body. And I commend you for wanting to change your life for the better.

          For me, I am 17 days AF, and my skin is already on the rebound. Alcohol dries us out big time and adds years to our looks. It completely dehydrates us from the inside out. It also causes the eyes to sink, and be in a permanent state of looking sick. (red, yellow, puffy, whatever). Not to mention it just makes us feel like crap, and like you said behind the 8ball everyday.... sluggish, aggitated, etc..

          One thing a lady said to me years ago when I went to an AA meeting was "Give it a month and you will notice a huge difference in your appearance! You will be amazed at how your skin will look" The last couple of days I have noticed a HUGE change in the way I look. My eyes are clear for the first time in years and my skin looks glowy and healthy. I am 34 and many people have told me over the last few years I was aging fast. My sister even went as far as saying I was looking 50 - OUCH!

          Some good ol' healthy foods, vitamins, water and no alcohol will do wonders for you as you already know. If you commit to an AF life, you will rebound quickly both physically and mentally.

          Comment


            #6
            My testamonial--the booze paradox (long)

            Fox, I can very much relate to your post. I too feel like I can function (although I have driven having some drinks, and by the grace of God, haven't hurt anyone) I have wasted so many evenings, not accopmplishing anything more than making a passable dinner, loading up the dishwasher and doing a half-assed job cleaning up the house. That's enough to let me muddle through my life - but not accomplish anything. I need to get my house painted and buy some new furniture and just am not in "the mood" to do anything by 6pm. I am a yoga teacher and need to practice more and develop new routines for my classes - haven't done anything new in that department in a few years.

            I also read the Alan Carr book - and llike his percpective - to me alcohol is just poison in any amount. It looks like you have really taken his advice to heart. To stop looking at alcohol as some reward, relief or crutch and start looking at it as it truely is - POISON. I'm just curious, beng a physician, are you taking Topomax and what do you think of it? Or, are you doing it the Alan Carr way, it's all mental, very little of it is a physical additction and the physical aspect is limited to pretty much "flu like" symptoms for a few days?

            Comment


              #7
              My testamonial--the booze paradox (long)

              Thanks for the support...

              I just don't think the drugs thing is for me. Mostly the Allen Carr way--seeing booze as the idiotic poison that it is. I'm only 2 days into this.
              I have some more really good questions for everyone here that I'll post later.

              BFF

              Comment


                #8
                My testamonial--the booze paradox (long)

                All I can really say is everything everyone else has said. I have not been drinking as long as some but it is just as much a problem. I have a wonderful career and i am an avid runner on the side, however, I seem to never get faster, somowhow i am pretty sure it is the alcohol holding me back. I quit three days ago, the first night drove me crazy and i didnt sleep so goo, last night, JUST LIKE EVRYONE TOLD ME
                It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not.
                James Gordon, M.D.

                Comment


                  #9
                  My testamonial--the booze paradox (long)

                  Brilliant post BF Fox....Very real and articulates much of my own experience with alcohol. Thanks. Personally I am really benefiting from reading other peoples posts on the site. The encouragement is great. changing

                  Comment


                    #10
                    My testamonial--the booze paradox (long)

                    BFF. You said..... """""""""""""And guess what, on balance, it was more fun than if I had been "wrecked" by midway through dinner. Problem is (have you all had similar scenarios?) it's more difficult trying to explain why you are chosing to abstain from the poison, than actually not doing it""""""""""""

                    This is honest and true. And the difficulty in explaining why you are abstaining is all in your head. I remember the first time I did that I was consumed with what my excuse would be and why and felt very awkward about it.. Keep using whatever excuses get you through.. that part gets so easy after a bit.. just like if you dont smoke you just say no.. and people accept it without question. And it IS more fun being sober.. so much more fun and dont forget that. People talk here about how much they miss the booze and they forget this vital point. Being drunk is NOT fun and funny.. its sad and boring and the smiles that drunk people have do not light up their eyes.

                    Keep up with the honesty.. its what got me to over a year sober and I swear by it. It takes more than not drinking to stay sober... but not drinking is a great start and honesty will take you to the next bit also.

                    Brigid

                    Comment


                      #11
                      My testamonial--the booze paradox (long)

                      "Being drunk is NOT fun and funny.. its sad and boring and the smiles that drunk people have do not light up their eyes."

                      BRIGID,
                      What a beautiful way to put this. That is so true. I was thinking back to my eyes in pictures that have been taken of me when drunk. They ARE very, very sad, like there is no life to them.

                      Thank you for posting this

                      HUG
                      Roxy

                      Comment


                        #12
                        My testamonial--the booze paradox (long)

                        BF Fox
                        I really enjoyed reading your post. I can relate a lot to what you said, particularly about feeling that you might be missing out on some fun when not drinking.
                        I find that by not drinking I have so much more time to do other things. I've started to spend more time with my son (20) and I am trying to learn how to work my computer properly.
                        My wife and I are having fun together too.
                        I have definately made a good decision for a change.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          My testamonial--the booze paradox (long)

                          Hi BFF,

                          I can relate to a lot of it. I was drinking hard alcohol, but when I tried the cheap stuff it just didn't taste as good and usually gave me a worse hangover. Call it what you want . . you are right, it is still poison if consumed in mass quantities. I can really understand not pouring your fine wine collection down the drain. I found for myself it is better to not have my favorites in the house calling my name, even yelling to me sometimes!

                          I too would not think to get in a car and drive after a drink. Alcohol then leaves you housebound! Yep, I could take it or leave it when I have to be "on" but shouldn't there be a reward for that great behavior of a few days?

                          My husband is a bigger drinker than I but with 100 pounds more on a much larger frame - he can handle it way better than me too. He was my partner in crime for this and alarmed, geez that is a polite word for his first reaction. NOT at all what you would expect right? BFF, they don't really initially want that change to occur as it may be time for them to change too.

                          I can honestly say after moderating and I do use the word quite loosely as my moderating usually looks like abs with the occasional evening of controlled drinking in the mix, that this is a great path for me.

                          What to do with that time? Will you still have FUN? Yes, it takes time for your body to adjust to the new schedule of "good and healthy" items being served but you will notice a change in your hair and skin. YES, it will happen. The supps and no more abuse bring the changes fairly quickly. I also think there is a readjustment period in your thoughts and habits. It is all so worth it.

                          thanks for sharing your story, you have helped a lot of people today.

                          Come back often and especially when you are finding road blocks in your path.

                          Hugs,
                          Mary

                          Comment


                            #14
                            My testamonial--the booze paradox (long)

                            Thank You!

                            Thank you BFF for a very well written and honest post. I think I commented on another post of yours where you described my drinking pattern so eloquently!

                            I nearly fell off the couch when I read point #8, as I was just saying to my husband last night that my biggest fear about giving up alcohol is that I won't be 'fun' anymore. Remember that episode of 'Friends' when Coutney Cox's date "Fun Bobby" gives up drinking and morph's into a dud? She dumps him.... ouch!

                            I look forward to all your questions and welcome to the site!

                            Skootie aka- girl with the glowing 7 day AF skin- lol!
                            "I have not failed - I have just found 10,000 ways that won't work"- Thomas A Edison

                            Comment


                              #15
                              My testamonial--the booze paradox (long)

                              Wow...

                              I am truly honored that such a bunch of sincere, loving people would have gotten so much out of my post.

                              Day 5 is in the bag.

                              I'm really starting to get some early feelings that this whole mess can be unwound and that life really can be genuinely better without wine.

                              Thanks all.

                              BFF

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