I scare myself

[Roxy1234]

Hi everyone,

Confession time: I had 9 AF days and drank on what would have been Day 10. My first instinct was to run away in shame and not post here anymore. But I am trying to create new patterns and ways of thinking, so here I am.

I posted a couple of days ago about alcohol being cunning, baffling and powerful. It is so cunning, baffling and powerful that it can worm its way back into my life in spite of how much enjoyment I was experiencing for 9 days without it. It scares me soooo much to think of something having such a hold on me :upset:

I know I need to look at this as not being the end of the world, just pick back up where I left off and not even bother asking "what happened?" because what happened is very simple. I made the decision to drive my car to the store and buy some wine for the purpose of drinking it all. My excuse was a hard, stressful day at work. I told myself "just for tonight," but then when it came time to pick back up where I left off, I made yet another decision to buy more wine. So now I have two drinking days under my belt. It is as if a switch got turned back on in my brain, which leads me to mention that I didn't drink due to physical cravings. Those are all addressed very nicely with the supps. The problem is my BRAIN (or lack thereof!).

And speaking of brain, I have not been doing the hypno because I have to buy a continuous-playing CD player to play the sleep CD all night. So today I am going to go buy a CD player because I really feel like the hypno is the missing link here.

I hope everyone is doing well and, as always, thanks for being here

love,
Roxy

[daisy]

I scare myself

Dont be so hard on yourself. 9 days is a wonderul accomplishment. I wish I could do that.
u can do this. Today is another day. Keep your chin up.

[lushy]

I scare myself

Please don't run away from the boards because you have not achieved the goals you had set out for yourself. You have a lot of wonderful things to add here. We all understand that demonic brain that takes over and drives you to the store and has you buying wine before you know it. I hope the CDs are of benefit to you......

[momof2boys]

I scare myself

We are all behind you Roxy. I know you can do it you just had a couple of bumps in the road and do you know what you might have more. I think you need to keep trying you did do 9AF days that says a lot. I am glad you decided to come back and continue to post that is a major step. Just keep thinking I didn't run I came back.
Good luck to you I know you can do it. We are all here for you.
:l :h :l :h

[irishlady]

I scare myself

Hi Roxy,
First of all I want to say DON'T YOU DARE to run away and never post again....9 days AF is a wonderful achievement.....At least you realise how cunning that little voice of Mr Alcohol can be, of course he will promise you that this is the last time, and do you know why he keeps on like that? BECAUSE HE IS SCARED!!!!! I know we fool around on here and give that voice in our heads all sort of names, but that voice is actually the part of the brain which is or has been stimulated by alcohol, now all of a sudden its pleasure has gone, YOU have denied it its stimulant, how dare you, suddenly it feels fear, what if YOU are going to take control and be in charge from now on.....

You say you are so scared to think of something having such a hold on you, well that something is far more scared, it knows that from now on YOU ARE IN CHARGE, there will be no internal dialogue, no more voices persuading you to get in the car and go to the store for alcohol, no more will I/won't I conflict...from now don't even feed that voice by listening to it, ignore it, blank it out and pretty soon it won't even be there anymore.

Remember to keep on posting and reading here because now that you have taken back control you need to keep your strength up and this is a great way to do it...

I wish you luck Roxy,
Love from Louise xxx

[Beaches]

I scare myself

Louise,
Wow, thanks
Roxy, She's on track listen to her, she makes sense and hits home.

[weemelonhead]

I scare myself

Oh Oirish...ditto ditto ditto you fabulous feline....
I agree with Oirish Roxy....she has summed things up beautifully as always....
Sweetie, a couple of days slip after 9 days AF is just that, a slip...this is not the end of it all....this is not a 'ONCE ONLY SPECIAL'!!!!! offer at the local store....., this is another lesson learned, and another useful experience to help build your mental AF toolkit...you are doing so well, and the best thing was to keep posting...stay with it Roxy.......Oirish is right....YOU are in charge xxx

[Olly]

I scare myself

Hey Roxy,
Please don't think about running away... I admire your courage for coming here and fessing up, although there's really no reason for you or anyone of us to be courageous about .. other than to ourselves about being honest. I'm so glad that I have "here" to practice "being honest" as I can. I think it's a big part in working through our issues with alcohol . I'm sure a big part of "denial" is the fear of and inability to be honest about our struggle with alcohol. At least here we can learn to be honest... all the time... and that will help us become stronger. It's not the destination we should be focused on, it's the journey. And, you're doing great to have made nine days and coming back after two days to start again!! You're back, that's what counts.

hugs,
Olly

[betty boop]

I scare myself

Roxy love,

Please don't think about running away .....

You're probably aware that I too slipped at day 17 .... It would have been really easy not to tell everyone here because lets face it .... if we don't confess then we can't get found out here .....

But confess we do, ..... because we realise that we need each other here ....

We all know how you feel, some of us have been there, some of us haven't been so lucky as to manage 9 days AF, YOU have been lucky enough to get that far .....

Hang on in there girl .... you can do this ......

Lots and lots of love & hugs, Paula :h :l :h :l

[hidden_gem]

I scare myself

Dear Roxy,

I think it's brilliant you came back. It would have been all too easy to throw in the towel and forget it, so I am really glad that you made this post.

You still did it - you still made it all that time without a drink. I bet even a short time ago you didn't think you would be able to make it that far. And if you've done it once, you can do it again - and go for even longer next time.

Thanks for your thread. It is a fabulous reminder to me that here is the only place I can be totally honest about my struggle with drinking.

Love

Gem x

[betty boop]

I scare myself

Gem ....

I totally agree with you, this place is the only place that you can totally be yourself.... I wouldn't be without it ....

Paula xx

[just h]

I scare myself

Hey Roxy hang in there. It's all about taking our POWER back. Somewhere along the line we forgot we have control and power. Now, we are learning the tools to take that power and control back. It's not easy but it takes time for us to remember how good taking IT back feels. You are doing great and don't let you defeat yourself.

Huggs:h

[Popeye]

I scare myself

Hi Roxy
I feel like a fraud.....
I had a drink last night.
I was tempted to 'pretend' that nothing had happened and just carry on posting '0s' in the DrinkTracker. I know of course that would have been foolish. I can't lie to my friends like that.

My wife just got up. I can see the disappointment in her eyes. She saw me on this site and sniggered as she went past.
She's gone back to bed again for a while.
I'm trying to look on the plus side but it's so hard...

[tawnyfrog]

I scare myself

Paul,

You know there is no need to pretend here. You know that we do not snigger. Today is a new day. You've been doing fantastically well, and will continue to do so.

I just know it.

[Popeye]

I scare myself

Thanks Tawny.
I do know.
I just feel bad for thinking that way.