Not Really New, but starting again

[Daya]

But I thought I'd post here, as after I gave up drinking for a while ( for about a month) I have started again. I have been drinking pretty consistently every night again for the last few months.....so tonight, I am starting of on day 1 again. I am under huge stress in my business currently, and the alcohol induced anxiety is definitely not helping .

As some of you wonderful people know from my prior posts, I work and live with my partner, who is a very heavy drinker, and will not give up, or modify....there is always alcohol here. Mind you, lately it doesn't make much difference if my partner is here or not with the booze, i will go and buy it.

The last few months of constant drinking haven't created any fallout (yet) of the terrible drama of what made me first post here...it's just more of a hidden progressive slide of destruction. The blackouts I experience on alcohol are getting worse. Also my tolerance to it seems to be getting lower, mind you, I have never been able to drink much, being small, I get drunk very easily.

Sooo Folks, here I am again, I am rereading Jason Vales book, taking the supplements, and walking along the beach. I think a part of me is worried about what will happen with my relationship if I give up drinking completely, as was sent to me in a private message (thank you, you know who) Its something I have to look at. I find it incredibly unappealing when my partner is drunk. (I'm sure I am also rather unappealing when I am drunk).

So, I currently have the urge to reach for the red in the cupboard......I have a very important, rather sticky meeting on tomorrow, that is crucial financially for my company , and I'm using that as a reason for me not to drink tonight.

So I'm using this forum not just for support, but as a sort of journal on my progress. I have really forgotten who I was pre alcohol, which is a good 10 years now.

Hope you all are well

[Almostfamous]

Not Really New, but starting again

Hi Daya,
Sounds like you are armed and ready to take action! I think working on your self first one day at a time before worrying about where the relationship will end up is best. You do have an extra challenge with alcohol constantly in your home. Please post often and read for tips, stories and support. Frankly read to keep your mind off of that red! You know it's a rough first few days but it's soooo worth it. You deserve to know yourself again.

[Tipplerette]

Not Really New, but starting again

I feel for you with your partner drinking. It's a real stumbling block. Same situation for me as we make our own wine and have oodles of it lying around at all times. Everyone of us has issues related to our drinking and it's up to us to overcome them. Seems impossible at times but with a lot of determination, you can do this... the question is Can I?? We're all in this together.

Keep riding the urges and you will succeed.

All the best.

[K9Lover]

Not Really New, but starting again

Hi Daya and welcome back!
Sounds like you know what you need to do...now the tricky part is actually doing it. I agree about not worrying about your partner/relationship right now, focus on YOU for a while. We can't control what other people do, so don't waste any time trying. I was a daily blackout drinker towards the end, and I know how scary that can be. I finally just got tired of it. Sounds like you are too. I'm glad you reached out to us. We'll help you get through this. Stick around and read, read, read...
K9

[Daya]

Not Really New, but starting again

Hi Guys,

Thanks for the replies...
AF, concentrating on me first is a good way to go, i think. I didn't drink last night, and have a splitting headache tonight, so I'm not tempted (that much). My crucial meeting went well, managed to negotiate a very tricky situation that could have bankrupted my company, and hopefully created a win win...

Tipplerette, wow, making your own wine, that must be rather difficult, its sort of funny, in an awful kind of way.
K9, I think you hit the nail on the head, i am just bored with being hung over every day, I'm actually looking foreward to the change, which is a new thing. I'll keep you all posted, thanks a bunch for replying

[Dave_]

Not Really New, but starting again

Hi Daya, I just wanted to wish you best of luck.

[Almostfamous]

Not Really New, but starting again

Daya,
Great job staying sober and with your negotiating. That nasty headache may last a while but I'm sure you remember it will get better. Sleep was not my friend in the beginning but it's so much better. Keep up the great work!

[mauritiusdodo]

Not Really New, but starting again

HI Daya, I too have forgotten who the real me is, I am on day one again and determined to finally be free and regain my life and myself, good luck and I hope you succeed

[Daya]

Not Really New, but starting again

Hi Guys, and thanks Dave and Mauritiusdodo for the support. I almost wasn't going to post this, as I feel embarrassed that i have crumbled so quickly.....but if I'm not honest, then I will never overcome this madness.

I was doing pretty well the last few days, then had dinner with my son, his new (lovely) girlfriend and my partner, it was a bit of an occasion, as he moved out of home a few months ago, and this is the first time we were all together. He and I are exceptionally close, as I brought him up on my own from when I left his father, I was 19, and he was a 6 month old baby, and it was pretty much only he and I until he was 14.

Anyway, I though "I'll just have 1 white wine", that spun into 3 through dinner. We all came back home, and I got stuck into the red. No horrible melodramas happened (luckily) they left, and my partner went to bed, I was still drinking the red, and pretty smashed by then. The phone rings, and its an ex of mine.

Now this is where it starts to sound somewhat like a Jacqui Collins novel. This ex of mine is one of my oldest and closest friends, but our careers have taken very different paths. I told him 2 years ago that unfortunately because of the path he has chosen, I could not see him or talk to him or have any contact with him, and I was deleting his number. It was sad, but we both understood why it had to be done.

I work with the Military, Police, and Government, and his chosen path is not one that I can have any association with.

So because I'm trashed I rave on to him about all sorts of stuff to do with my business, private life etc.

Then this morning I wake up with a killer hangover, anger at myself for drinking, and the realization that his phone is bugged ...stuff that I told him starts coming back to me....people that I work with that I have mentioned by name and position....

My paranoia is through the roof. This is probably the most sobering realization I have ever actually had. My drinking could destroy my and my partners business, my partner could potentially have what he has spent 30 years revoked, the careers and reputation of people I greatly care about could be ruined, someone could get killed, and I could end up on the front page of the news.

I think I have reached the point I am finally frightened to drink. I am playing with such serious consequences.

So not sure what to say Folks, I will have to tell my friend not to call me again,delete his number again, and with Gods help, end this insanity of thinking i can have just 1 drink.