Could Use Some Advice...

[sjpasme]

I am new to the boards here. My ex fiance has a severe drinking and drug problem and showed me this site before we broke up last August. I think this site is great and serves as an excellent support system. My question is, what if anything can I do to fix our situation. I had begged him to not come home drunk the night before our anniversary, and he promised he wouldn't. He drove four hours while intoxicated from another city (business trip) and then came home in a rage. Something inside me snapped, and I asked him to move out that night. I explained that I didn't want to break up with him by any means, but that I wanted him to get help. He agreed, and I thought it was for the best. Well, long story short, he never wants to see or talk to me again. I love him with all my heart and have been a wreck since he's been gone. I never meant to hurt him or abandon him in any way - I thought he could take some time to get his life together and get healthy so we could have a future together. I wanted him to be happy with himself.

He is still drinking heavily and using drugs, and contacted me out of the blue earlier this month, saying he still loves me. When I responded, he said to never mind and to leave him alone. It started the heartbreak all over again, worse than before.

Can anyone give me some advice as to what I may have done wrong, or what I can do or say to figure this all out? I believe he does still love me, but I think the addiction is causing him to be cruel to me perhaps as a defense mechanism?

Sorry for the long novel, but any help would be greatly appreciated! Thanks...:h

[hidden_gem]

Could Use Some Advice...

Welcome sjpasme.

I'm the first to admit I don't have all the answers on how to deal with an alcoholic partner - because I WAS that alcoholic partner.

I do know that back when I was drinking I would have done anything - blame my partner, blame my job, blame the weather - rather than admit that I had a problem.

I think you have done a very brave and loving thing in asking him to get help. His erratic behaviour (ignoring, then contacting you, then pushing you away) sounds quite typical (by that, I mean that I have recognised occasions where I behaved the same way myself).

This is a good place to get a better understanding of where he is coming from.
Have you also checked out the "Family Members Affected By Drinking" section? I am sure you will find many wise words there from others in similar situations.

Gem x

[Diana]

Could Use Some Advice...

Hi,
I nearly had my friend ask me to move out on NY day but I was at the stage that I was ready to get help and I think that is the issue. Your fiance needs to be ready to admit he has a problem and also that he wants his life to be different and until that time any attempts to get help because he is doing it for someone else will probably fail.

You have been very brave and I wish you well but perhaps this relationship is not the one for you. It isn't anything that you have done, it is the influence of the alcohol and drugs.

Use this site as a support for yourself because there are wonderful people here who are very wise and loving. The fact that your fiance showed you this site is good and suggests that he knows he has a problem but until he can detox. then there is not a lot you can do. Be kind to yourself.

Best wishes
Diana

[Beaches]

Could Use Some Advice...

Hi
Please don't question yourself or beat yourself up. You are in a power struggle right now with something that is far more powerful than you..alcohol. Until your boyfriend decides that he wants to get control and take control you will have to just provide him support. It is very frustrating to watch the person you love be so controlled by alcohol. I wish you all the very best. Be kind to yourself.
NP

[just h]

Could Use Some Advice...

sjpasme;88715 wrote: I am new to the boards here. My ex fiance has a severe drinking and drug problem and showed me this site before we broke up last August. I think this site is great and serves as an excellent support system. My question is, what if anything can I do to fix our situation. I had begged him to not come home drunk the night before our anniversary, and he promised he wouldn't. He drove four hours while intoxicated from another city (business trip) and then came home in a rage. Something inside me snapped, and I asked him to move out that night. I explained that I didn't want to break up with him by any means, but that I wanted him to get help. He agreed, and I thought it was for the best. Well, long story short, he never wants to see or talk to me again. I love him with all my heart and have been a wreck since he's been gone. I never meant to hurt him or abandon him in any way - I thought he could take some time to get his life together and get healthy so we could have a future together. I wanted him to be happy with himself.

He is still drinking heavily and using drugs, and contacted me out of the blue earlier this month, saying he still loves me. When I responded, he said to never mind and to leave him alone. It started the heartbreak all over again, worse than before.

Can anyone give me some advice as to what I may have done wrong, or what I can do or say to figure this all out? I believe he does still love me, but I think the addiction is causing him to be cruel to me perhaps as a defense mechanism?

Sorry for the long novel, but any help would be greatly appreciated! Thanks...:h

A lot of what has been said here is very true. You aren't the one to blame for his addiction. Some of us just can't handle alcohol. Some of us can have a drink with our buds and be fine and stop because "we" know there's other stuff to do in the morning or a family to go home to. With some of us there's a trigger , may be depression, some traumatic event, that just gets us going into a downward spiral. I'm a binge drinker (I have been known to finish a bottle of vodka in one night on a bad binge) and I could see how I could let myself get to a physically addicted state. Stress and depression are my triggers and I'm seeking help for those so I can stop the cycle. My body and brain chemistry can only handle one drink maybe but two and more than that I'm in trouble. None of these things are my Hubby's fault or anyone elses. I just have learned bad coping skills and habits. Hubby just waited and hope that I would get to where I realized I had a problem. That didn't happen until recently.

Remember you can't make him want help. He has to want it. It doesn't mean you aren't worthy as a human. He just is not there yet. This may not be the Man for you. Maybe he is but unless you are ready for quite a scary ride don't get on. You need to ask yourself what you want out of life. Even if you stay with him you need to have your goals to and reach them. Will you be able to do that with him in the state that he's currently in? Never think this is your fault. There's a lot of factors that go into why some of us are addicts both physical factors and psychological that are all only owned by the addict. :h sending huggs to you.......

[sjpasme]

Could Use Some Advice...

thanks

Thank you all for your kind responses. I appreciate your thoughts and will take them to heart. I guess I just have to hope and pray my ex fiance gets help on his own, since he won't see or talk to me ever again. It is like a bad dream that I cannot wake up from - I had a whole life planned with him and now he has vanished and will not even acknowledge our history together. He is like a stranger to me - it is utterly horrible.