I'm sorry i ever left

[struggles]

So, I'm back. I'm hung over, my head is killing me, my stomach feels off and I am coming off of a week bender.

I started the topa and was doing extremely well...no drinking, no cravings, but the thoughts were there. I got around that. My birthday was Saturday and no gifts from my kids, no card...my ex is an asshole. I started drinking Thursday night and have not stopped.

It's this scare in me that if I stop I will go though the whole detox crap again and that sucked, but if I keep it up, I go through the whole hangover thing and still feel like crap. THIS SUCKS.:upset:

I did SOOOO well and how did I end back up here???

At this point, I don't have anyone to talk to because they all thought I was doing so well...I can't let them know i failed.

Did I mention my head is killing me??? I dont usually get headaches, but this is a doozy.

Back on tomorrow as I have already tried to drink away my headache and crappy feeling,....4 hours until my kids come home...I feel like ass. how did I make it through yesterday with them and had dinner??:upset:

Thanks for listening, I know this isn't easy for any of us, but sometimes I read other posts and wonder...how was it easy for them and how did they get to never drinking again??

I HATE THIS.

Tam

[K9Lover]

I'm sorry i ever left

Dear Tam :l

I am so sorry to hear of your struggle. The pull of alcohol is SO strong and inexplicable sometimes. We HATE it, yet we keep doing it...it doesn't make sense! I know it seems like it's "easy" for some people, but I am not one of them. I have been struggling with this for years! I've had long stretches of sobriety, then bam! There I would go again, I don't even know why! That's addiction...craving what is bad for us. I know you're dreading the detox, but it's gotta happen for you to move forward. Do you have anything to help you through the first couple of days (Xanax or Ativan)? I know some people are able to "taper" off, but I was never one of those people either. It's all or nothing for me. Please take care of yourself today, get some rest, drink lots of water and eat some heathly food. I will be thinking of you and sending you strength!

K9

[LibraryGirl]

I'm sorry i ever left

Welcome back Tam.:l I haven't been AF for that long (22 days), but I do know from recent experience, that if you can struggle through the first day AF, the next day will be better. You will at least get over the hangover in a day, or two. Take it one day at a time, and remember to stay hydrated.

It IS a struggle. I quit 3 weeks ago and have remained quit, but I take each day, each week as it comes. I can't make sweeping statements about sobriety because I have not lived AF long enough. Maybe you *never* get there, and we all are just one drink away from AL.

Regardless, you took the first step and came here.:l That's the best thing you could have done. Get back on track and FORGIVE yourself. I look forward to hearing about your progress.

Cinds

[struggles]

I'm sorry i ever left

Thank you both! I still do have the topa and have not taken it since I started that binge, but I will again tomorrow. I sometimes can't compete with that "voice' and I give in, thinking it will only be one or two...it ends up being a case or more of beer a day.

I am soooo embarrased to call my addiction psychotherapist to tell her I failed...how crazy is that??? I'm sure she has been through this...duh.

Every day I thought, it's just for today and tomorrow I will stop again....it doesn't happen. I can NEVER drink again. I know that and now need to work on making that happen.

I wish i could be 20 days, the first few were awful...but maybe it won't be so bad this time???? LOL.

I'm going to have to suck it up and move on. I even went through the eating the crap out of any thing that was sugar...and that's not like me. Guess I need to get some oreos.....joking aside. I hope I am not a lost cause. I see my mom and she's a mess and I have no idea how she is still functioning......case of beer a day and two packs of cigarettes and pizza and subs for eating...when she does. I don't smoke, never have, and I still worry about my health.

Again, thanks for listening to my rant. BTW, K9, I saw your "recipe" for young skin...I'm going to try it. But sometimes, I think it's all inherited. :l

[resrchqueen]

I'm sorry i ever left

Oh...dear. Don't despair. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You can survive this. Don't feel embarrassed to contact your counselor. That person should be objective and not judge you. If they do, find another. In the meantime get some Calm TEa by Yogi or a similar chamomile based tea. Relax... Take care of yourself. Try and get some fresh air and sun if you can. Tomorrow can be a much better day if you are willing to let it be.

[Unwasted]

I'm sorry i ever left

Struggles, it's so good that you came back. So many here talk about not giving up being the most important thing. I believe that because I think after a few failures you have a good chance of staying sober. I had to go through a couple of falls - one of 30 days AF and the other about 45 days AF. This is my third time and so far it's working.

Many here are having luck with Antabuse. You can order it online from River Pharmacy Ca if you don't think you can do without some help. Have you tried AA or rehab? I think we have to have a multi-pronged approach.....good food, exercise, changing our routine and staying away from trigger situations.

Since you're familiar with the site, don't forget the Newbie's Nest and Toolbox (under Monthly Abstinence).

I HATE THIS.

I think when you hate it enough and the downside is far worse than the perceived pleasure we get from alcohol is when you have a fighting chance of beating it!

Best to you..........

[Lavande]

I'm sorry i ever left

Hi Tam,

Glad you decided to come back!
Never quit trying ~ you will make it if that's what you really want. You have to want to quit more than you want to drink......

Have you ever used the MWO Hypno CDs?
I believe they were instrumental in turning off the mind chatter. They helped me learn to relax without AL & think about it differently altogether.

Please drop in the Newbies Nest thread for more support.
Wishing you the best!

Lav

[struggles]

I'm sorry i ever left

Thank you all again. I have not really given the cds a try as I find that man's annoying as all hell. But maybe I will try it again.

I am so embarrassed to call my therapist back and you know what? she's making $$$$ of me, why should I be concerned on if I disappoint her?

I just wish I was "normal"...why do some of us get the affliction? It's not fair.

I was doing so well....why oh why did I have to falter.

I now know the tools that I can utilize and never stray from....you all being one of them and I do have the topa.

Day one once again is going to suck and I have to deal with it. I wish i could scoop myself up and go to rehab, once there, you are safe, cannot drink and learn all the techniques on how to keep from not drinking....I just can't afford the time or the cost. Funny how expensive that is.

One more beer to help my headache...how f'n dumb am I? I am so afraid to stop because i will wake in the early morning with anxiety and I have nothing to take for it....my therapist made me toss the xanax, even though i have NEVER abused it. Meds scare me....alcohol does not...what is that sense in my thoughts?



Tammy

[LibraryGirl]

I'm sorry i ever left

^^It's the devil you know. No less addictive or scary though. I question why your therapist made you toss your anti-anxiety meds. Sometimes they are necessary to help with quitting AL. Keep on trying Tammy. We're here for you.

[K9Lover]

I'm sorry i ever left

I agree, I wouldn't have tossed the Xanax. That's only my opinion of course. I believe they would have helped you through the first few days. And you're not dumb, you are addicted. How much have you had tonight? We will be here when you need to talk tomorrow...please take care, I will be thinking of you!
K9

[merry]

I'm sorry i ever left

struggles I am i know exactly how you feel I'm also back again for good this time
once I stop coming here I fall down so I won't be leaving here again I'm here to stay

[struggles]

I'm sorry i ever left

I'm back and have still been drinking. I feel so crappy right now, it's not even fun. My head hurts, I feel dizzy and my brain says another drink will help. it does not help.

I have been crying all day because I can't believe i'm such a f'n mess and just wish this thing would go away.

I bought Jason Vale's book and started to read it, but I'm sure I won't remember any of it. I am so afraid of being alone at night because I may wake up with anxiety from the alcohol, but have refused the request of my bf to come over because he doesn't know I have relapsed. THIS TRULY DOES SUCK!

I'm 44 and a pathetic drunk!

OMG, this is like a week long binge.

I love the support here and read the posts and wish I could be as strong as you all are.

If I can give up pizza and chicken wings, why can't I give this up....where is my self control?

HATE THIS!

~Tammy

[Almostfamous]

I'm sorry i ever left

Hi Struggles,
I know it is certainly not a cake walk but you CAN do this. Please try for one day and then a second and third. It's truly one day at a time. Oddly enough the alcohol aids in the anxiety and depression. Once the alcohol is out of your life, the fog will lift. Try not to get overwhelmed with the big picture. Please keep reading and posting. That is a good start.

[merry]

I'm sorry i ever left

I agree with almostfamous hang in there and just do 1 day at a time

yesterday is past
tomorrow a mystery
to- day is a present

lets stay sober together

[Unwasted]

I'm sorry i ever left

Struggles,

It's not a willpower issue, it's addiction. Alcohol has changed your brain and made you think you need it, like food. It's a reward system, neural pathology issue at least for a little while. That's why you have to white-knuckle it at the beginning, but the longer you go the more your brain gets rewired with a different reward system. You'll have to change your daily habits, food, etc. to get the re-wiring started.

Do you have a plan? It takes work to do this and you have to want it. Let us know more and maybe we can help.

Sending you peace and strength. :lilheart: