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[hidden_gem]

Hi all,
I used to visit here a few years ago and after some decidedly wonky wrong turns, I'm back in Soberworld!

Day 20 is drawing to a close, and it's really been a emotional rollercoaster so far! Overall going pretty well, but my biggest issue currently is with my relationship with my fiance.

Although he has been supportive outwardly, the last couple of weeks I've noticed him griping more and more, almost passive aggressively. I think he is frightened that i might try to get him to quit (he drinks at least one bottle of wine a day - I mean, that is the absolute minimum).

Also of course I have been more emotional than usual now that I'm not using alcohol to numb the pain, so being a sensitive little flower when he speaks harshly to me I just lose it :upset: which makes him more angry.

It's all very sad as when we are getting on well we are so happy. I wish I could call him on it (his passive-aggressiveness) but I don't want him to think I'm trying to be "superior"... I am sure when I feel slightly less wobbly I will be able to.

On the plus side... it's been so good checking back in here and reading all your posts, and you are making me laugh so much!

Hangin' on in there,
Gem

[patrice]

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Hi Gem

Great work on the 20 days!!!
I know exactly what you must be going through... my ex partner hated my drunkeness but also didn't like my sobriety?? Its very tough

I wish you all the best.. you will work it out

Take care
Patrice

[Unwasted]

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Hidden Gem, just wanted to welcome you back. I'm lucky because my husband has been really supportive and done a good job putting up with my initial craziness after quitting alcohol. It's a challenge to be sure, but I hope you guys can either work through it or part company. I think we have to guard our sobriety because bad relationships can derail it. Good luck in figuring out how to make it all work together. It's taken a while for my moods to level out, but it does happen. Hopefully when the air clears and you have a bigger amount of AF time you can work out the relationship issues.

Best to you!

[hidden_gem]

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Thanks Patrice & Unwasted for your words!

It's really hard to know "objectively" what's going on at the moment. When I'm less emotional I'll be able to talk through things better. I think he just feels lost when I don't communicate.

I realised this week how serious I am about my sobriety now because when I asked the question would I be willing to end this relationship if I couldn't be sober within it, the answer was YES. Having had bad relationships in the past I know this is not one - but certainly the dynamics have changed massively as a result of my quitting drinking. He is probably feeling abandoned because I really didn't discuss it with him a lot before I quit, mainly because I didn't want to be convinced that I don't really have a problem.

Sometimes I wonder why I choose to do it the hard way - we are planning our wedding at the moment, I just started a Masters' Degree, and I have also stepped into a temporary promotion at work... lots of pressure on all sides - and NOW I decide to give up the booze???

love to all
Gem

[LibraryGirl]

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With all that you have going on, quitting now was probably a very wise decision, Gem. I have noticed too that my bf and I argue a LOT since I've been sober. He doesn't drink, but my emotions are so raw, I just cannot stop myself from arguing. Every day I go home thinking, I won't get angry and start yelling again tonight, and then it happens again. One thing that REALLY gets to me is his laziness. I need some help around the house, and he frequently ignores most (all) messes, and forget about yard work or actually fixing anything. It took nearly a year for him to get the pantry door fixed in the kitchen, and I had to literally lift it up gently just to get stuff out, then pray it wouldn't fall off it's hinges on top of me.

Now, he's doing an online business which he took a "break" from for nearly two months, while I sweated and worried about paying bills. He sleeps all day, plays video games all night, and thinks I am "crazy" because I get angry about it.

UGH, I didn't mean to get into all this, lol. :goodjob: on your 20 days!

[Tipplerette]

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hidden_gem;1281545 wrote: Sometimes I wonder why I choose to do it the hard way - we are planning our wedding at the moment, I just started a Masters' Degree, and I have also stepped into a temporary promotion at work... lots of pressure on all sides - and NOW I decide to give up the booze???

love to all
Gem

I hear ya; getting married on Wed. and only three days of serious A/F time under my belt. Might as well shoot myself in the head.

As UnWasted says after you get a bit of A/F time under your belt you'll be in a better place to address the relationship issues. My hat goes off to you for your 20 days accomplished. Can't wait to get there!

[Jolie]

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Hidden Gem,

Just wanted to welcome you back and say congrats on 20 days! That's huge and I hope the issues with your fiance can be resolved. Hopefully he will join you and then the alcohol won't be an issue at all. Good luck!

[hidden_gem]

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Update at 5 weeks AF

Hi all, thank you again for your very thoughtful posts...

LibraryGirl, your post really did make me smile with your comment that every night you go home thinking you won't yell... and then it happens anyway - could really relate to that one!!

Here's a little update about the difference I have seen after getting that first four weeks under my belt:
First Four Weeks
[list type=decimal][*]Go to work. Start noticing when people are manipulating me into either taking on their emotional crap or doing their work for them. Push back on them, and get mad.[*]Think about all the times when overcompensated because of hangover (trying to look capable), and realise all the times when took stuff on board that should not have. Get mad.[*]Go to office meetings. Realise all the undercurrents of office crappy politics going on, when usually would have been fighting to 1) look awake, 2) try to ignore fact that probably smell like brewery, and 3) worry about picking up coffee in front of me due to shaking hands. Get mad.[*]Go home. Start making giant "To Do List". Realise complete waste of time up until this point when either spending time drinking, or being immobilised by hangover. Get mad.[*]Start working through huge "To Do" List. Notice man sitting on couch who "just has to have glass of wine" due to his crappy day. Realise this will lead to his second and third and not doing anything. Get mad.[*]Realise this is what I used to do which is why have such huge to do list now. Get madder.[*]With no alcohol in system, realise will actually have to deal with feelings instead of squishing them into deep dark cavern inside of oneself. Try to avoid getting madder thinking of all "inner work" will have to do. Eat chocolate. Still get mad.[*]Wake up in morning totally exhausted because of all this "actually having to be emotionally present" business. Get mad.[/list type=decimal]
Four Weeks Plus

• Go to work. Start noticing the difference between when people actually want help, or when they just want to rant. Fail to buy into the rant, and get funny looks when I don't.Go to office meetings. Become aware of the back and forth that's happening, Work out what needs to happen, and outline the steps the group needs to take. Leave meeting with action plan instead of vague feeling that "something needs to be done."Go home. Get through and tick of a number of things on To Do List. Notice that list is getting smaller in some respects but that am adding to it things I have long thought about, but never been able to think about achieving before.Acknowledge that man sitting on the couch is still in mode where he thinks glass of wine is a reward. Try to be understanding and realise this is where I was only a couple of weeks ago. Suspend judgement, what with all this extra patience I can now exercise due to not feeling like crap.Use other ways to handle surges of emotion, such as doing physical tasks, having bath, going for walk or even (amazingly) remembering to breathe deeply.Eat chocolate (Hell, I'm only human).Wake up in morning generally focused and ready to go. Still have normal worries about whether will be able to handle all the usual situations, but know that I'm more likely able to cope with it than before.

Well, it's still early days, and I know that my body is still patiently processing and I'm becoming more aware all the time of the dysfunctional patterns that still exist. There is a very long way to go, and sometimes it's all just too hard, but I am making progress. I'm looking forward to feeling better and better all the time.

Wishing everyone all the best luck on your own paths...

Gem

[Bean]

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Awesome post Gem. You summed it up perfectly. At 5.5 months AF I am feeling fantastic - still some 'mad' moments for sure but they are less intense and they are over faster and I am just 100% more able to deal with everything because I'm not taking in and putting out poison.

I thought to myself yesterday that these days I am happy pretty much all the time. Before I quit (and for some time after) I was very unhappy pretty much all of the time (and at times wanting to self harm and suicidal). Thank god those days are over!

Keep going. Sounds like you've already made great progress.
Bean

[BlondeAFAmbition]

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Welcome Back! Best of luck in your sober journey!

[WickedMom]

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Hi Hidden_gem,

Congratulations on 5 weeks! It seems you are doing very well. Thanks so much for the post -- I?ve been thinking about alcohol and anger this morning as well. What you say is right on!