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**Accountable for Me** · January 30, 2007, 10:43 AM

So demoralized

Please don't hate yourself. This will only make you feel worse. When I was on and off AF, I too felt the same as you do. And I always wondered why I would choose the feeling like crap due to drinking over the not drinking and feeling great. It is an addiction. A way of life that we have developed. Just keep trying Roxy. It isn't easy. I can't tell you the number of times in my life I have bounced on and off the wagon. All you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again! Stop beating yourself up - it will just make you feel worse and possibly pick up that drink again. A pretty vicious cylcle we all have endured at one point.

**AAthlete** · January 30, 2007, 10:44 AM

So demoralized

Roxy, sorry to hear that you are so down, but beating yourself up only makes it worse.

If you didn't really want to be sober, you wouldn't be here. We've all been through the same situation - and we can all relate to how you are feeling. Keep your chin up and keep plugging away. Today is a new day, just try to make through today and when you wake up tomorrow morning you'll feel like a different person.

I'll be pulling for you!

**betty boop** · January 30, 2007, 11:02 AM

So demoralized

Roxy Love,

We alll do it, I'm still drinking more than I would like after my 16 days AF I felt brilliant, Now my hubby and I are drinking at least 3 out of 7 nights (still far better than every day like I used to, Iknow) but what i'm getting round to saying is I know that when I don't drink I will feel so much better ......

So WHy ....... if we know tha answer to that we wouldn't be here .....

Hang on in there love you are not alone .....

**dilayne** · January 30, 2007, 11:04 AM

So demoralized

Hi Roxy..hang in there! Maybe you can try to 'reframe' what you are calling 'demoralizing'..it sounds like you are getting in touch with your own personal morals of loving and taking care of yourself..perhaps you can look at the positive side of this instead of focusing on the dark side...it's true, your calculations are right on, be a cheerleader to the Roxy that can make and observe that calculation, the person who comes to this board and makes declarations to grow and change...by focusing on the darkside, you may be feeding the darkside..I am of the belief that it really doesn't do any good to judge either the dark side or the bright side, the growth comes from being able to live in the tension between the two...if you start beating up on the dark side, it will only grow..acknowledge it, but turn the other cheek to it as well and feed the one that desires a more 'morally'..if you will, balanced existence. Vent away..it can be cleansing in the process! And love yourself as if you were your only child! Namaste! Dianne

**rivergirl** · January 30, 2007, 11:27 AM

So demoralized

Roxy, It's true dear one, you wouldn't be logging in if this isn't what you want. Good Job getting the CD player with the loop - gosh let me know how that works - it sounds great.

Also - look at the folks in your life - Do they know you drink - Do they know you want to stop? Do they want you to stop? This is a sneaky one - but can reveal alot My parents want me to drink - so they can justify their drinking and so we can drink together. My boyfriend wanted me to drink until I finally broke up with him. I am not saying this is where the answer is for you - but it is a place to look. Sometimes you have to get a bit angry - NOT at yourself - but at the forces that are at work on us .. intensifying the urges.

The CDs have really helped me - Not that I am a great guru at 31 days AF I feel as though I am guarding a treasure that someone wants to steal when I am offered a drink now.

You are here - doing the right things- logging in buying the player and being honest you are going to make it Roxy - we know you are.

Hugs,
Rivergirl

**Popeye** · January 30, 2007, 11:54 AM

So demoralized

Hi Roxy.
Like Paula said...we all do it, and we all go through the self-loathing process too.
It is really hard to do this thing. Most of us, I think, are nowhere near the target that we have set ourselves. I know I'm not. Look after yourself.

Dianne, That was a beautiful and insightful post. I'm going to copy and paste. Fantastic!!!

**Roxy1234** · January 30, 2007, 08:57 PM

So demoralized

Accountable - thank you for reminding me that this has been a way of life for a long time. I lose sight of that and the fact that drinking is almost as automatic as brushing my teeth, so it stands to reason that it's going to demand a lot of effort at change. It certainly helps knowing I'm not alone

AAthlete - thanks for pulling for me. I think I can feel it

PaulaW - you are so sweet. Thank you for your perspective. I have been meaning to tell you that I love the way you look at this whole thing, as progress, not perfection. Three out of seven days drinking is 100% progress compared to only a few months ago! I will try to be more kind to myself in that respect.

Dianne - you are absolutely right! I DO give the dark side way too much recognition. I thought about that today, actually, about how when I didn't drink for 9 days, I would let myself "notice" it, but not listen to it. Existing in the "tension" between the two...that is brilliant, and so balanced. Thank you for that wonderful insight!

Rivergirl - most of the people in my life think I quit drinking. Only one person knows that I still do and he is 100% supportive of my decision to get and stay abstinent. I live alone and never drink in public, just by myself. Drinking is my primary relationship, you might say. And an abusive one at that :-( I applaud your decision to get rid of the boyfriend who wanted you to drink. I had a similar experience but for different reasons. I broke it off with my bf because my relationships have always involved alcohol and I didn't think I could achieve sobriety while being involved in a relationship. He was supportive of me not drinking, but I found the relationship stressful and so many aspects of it caused me to want to hide so it was easier to leave. Anyway! Long story short, the table is set for my success as far as the people in my life. No pressure there. It's just ME. Your 31 days AF is FANTASTIC! And you're right, it IS a treasure, something very sacred and beautiful, something to cherish, which it sounds like you are

DD - I am not the least bit offended by your book recommendation! No way! I am very openminded and I will take any and all suggestions. I have made peace with my Christian upbringing, and all of the lovely issues that went along with it. I think I take the same approach to it as you sound like you do, kind of a global approach, finding the meaning in things using my own vocabulary and not getting too caught up in the dogma along the way. Tonight I am taking your advice, not drinking, taking a hot bath and tucking myself away for a nice peaceful sleep. Thank you so much for your post, and I will most certainly check out the book.

Paul - thank you for the support. And I am very happy to see you have gotten yourself back on track :-) You are doing GREAT!

Once again, thank you to everyone who takes the time to come here and offer support. THis is an incredible corner of the WOrldwide Web and I feel so thankful to have ended up here.

Love to you all,
Roxy

**YoungAtHeart** · January 31, 2007, 10:00 AM

So demoralized

Hi Roxy,

I missed out on posting when you were really hurting, but all the good feedback here seems to have been really helpful. I know that I am finding it helpful for myself.

I'm glad that you are sounding more upbeat, and not as into beating yourself up! I hope you don't mind, but I think this post deserves a rating, because there are some gems of wisdom tucked in here.

Keep up the good work!

Hugs,
Kathy:l

**DidItForMe** · January 31, 2007, 01:21 PM

So demoralized

rivergirl;89832 wrote: Also - look at the folks in your life - Do they know you drink - Do they know you want to stop? Do they want you to stop? This is a sneaky one - but can reveal alot My parents want me to drink - so they can justify their drinking and so we can drink together. My boyfriend wanted me to drink until I finally broke up with him.

Rivergirl and All:

I just had to respond to this because it hit me last week. I had two AF days in a row, nothing like some of you, but it was a big deal for me. My husband just insisted he go out and buy more vodka. I told him I had some left in the cupboard but he went anyway. Now, my husband doesn't drink, never has, and I think he hates the fact that I do, especially when I drink so damn much. So, why would he insist on getting more alcohol in the house? I don't have the courage to ask him yet, but it was sure confusing.

**Roxy1234** · January 31, 2007, 11:40 PM

So demoralized

hi Kathy,
I wondered who rated my thread! thanks for the four stars and yes, I agree, great feedback is an understatement, and all of it was so very needed.

I am feeling much more positive today. It's amazing what a good night's sleep and an AF day can do for one's sense of self esteem. I can't wait to crawl into bed early tonight for another restful sleep.

Thank you for the support.

hugs,
Roxy

**weemelonhead** · February 1, 2007, 02:27 AM

So demoralized

Hi Roxy....read the first post, 2nd, and replies.....and then was glad to read that you are feeling more positive today...sorry I missed this when you were low, we all need a boost somedays!!!!
And somedays....we are all gonna feel like a bag of crap, keep going sweetie......there will always be a mental wrestling match until this is firmly entrenched in the mind.....each day as it comes eh?????

Much love:h Weewwfmelon.....also wrestling in the blue corner!!!! xxx

**Lotus** · February 1, 2007, 04:21 AM

So demoralized

Hi Roxy

You just need reassurance, like we all do at times, but you said it yourself:

Drink = two hours of feeling good (make that feeling nothing) + 24 hours of feeling like shit.
Not Drink = 12 hours of feeling fantastic, followed by 8-10 hours of blissful sleep, followed by another fantastic 12 hours.

.

Hope you are feeling better.

**rivergirl** · February 2, 2007, 10:07 PM

So demoralized

Roxy - way to go - so glad you are feeling better. How is your CD loop player working? I am interested in getting one as well - Do they cost much?

You sure did put it well... alcohol is my relationship - and an abusive one at that. Wow, you deserve so much better. I keep coming back to Mikeupnorth's statement about bottle of wine being sarin nerve gas - it is a helpful little image. Lock the nerve gas out and make room for some one worthy of Roxy.

keep writing!!!
rivergirl

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