bruised n broken

[okkslady]

I did it again. Why cant I stop. I binge drank yesterday. I was doing well. same ol song n dance. I had so many drinks in a short amount of time. I blacked out...lord only knows what happend. I was with a friend and we got in an arguement. He took me to my parents house and I caused a scene for the whole neighborhood. Apparently I fell down. I have skinnned knee n elbow and ankle...two broken nails. My friend is so mad at me he wont speak to me as I am trying to apologize. I argued with my parents. I am to old to keep doing this. I am so sad today, people I have spoken to say...it coulda been worse...well I feel that this is the absolute worse!! Somebody help me. I need a hug. I feel terrible terrible terrible

[Willow23]

bruised n broken

You poor thing *HUGS*. This was similar to me last week, I got hammered and we were at the local pub/soft play so my kids saw me wrecked. I had a panic attack and an ambulance was called and I had to go to hospital to get checked out. I was absolutely fine physically but mentally and emotionally I was just awful. The guilt and shame. That was my absolute rock bottom and as such I'm now on day 9. I can't be like that and by the sounds of it, neither can you. You can't go any lower now, the only way is up! Keep posting and reading here and let everyone give you a hand up! Take care x

[okkslady]

bruised n broken

thanks

thanks willow. I feel so alone right now. like im the only one who is this sad. I am thankful to be here with my son and safe now but i am sooooo sad and disappointed. Sometimes I wonder if this will ever stop. I know if it continues I will suffer..I worry about dying from this...i drink sooo much that i could poison myself one of these times. I hate this

[Willow23]

bruised n broken

You're not the only one this sad, honestly. So many people out there are dying inside but they just carry on as is. At least you are here and realising that you need to change. Only you have the power though - we can support you but we can't stop you from choosing to drink - that's ultimately up to you to change that.

I find a lot of good quotes in song lyrics - I really like Sheryl Crow's "If It Makes You Happy". The chorus says,"If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. If it makes you happy, why the hell are you so sad?". I think that sums up AL perfectly!

Look after yourself, come to the Newbies Nest. Perhaps see your doctor? I don't know what you drink or how often but medical advice may be appropriate for you. If you can show your family/friends that you're trying, they will be more supportive I'm sure. Take care x

[Unwasted]

bruised n broken

Okkslady, is rehab a possibility? Have you checked out the meds thread here? I'm so sorry about what you're going through. All I can tell you is that you have to work at it, have a plan, read and post here often, eat right, exercise.........you've probably heard the drill. Keep posting, visit the Newbie's Nest and the Meds thread. Here are links:

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...est-30074.html

Topamax, Campral, Naltrexone, Baclofen, other meds - My Way Out Forums

[mama bear]

bruised n broken

Hang in there poor thing...

[Tipplerette]

bruised n broken

Laying it all out here is the first step. Take one day at a time and promise yourself the next time you think, "I'll only have a few." remember that evening in each excruciating detail. Good luck and take care of yourself and your son. xoxo

[okkslady]

bruised n broken

hi everyone

well i have ordered and reeived the book n some supplements. My last binge was pretty bad too and I though I was going to be able to stop at the last one. I want to go to rehab but dont know where to look or how to start. I called a couple places for help and I have no insurance and they want money for first visit etc. I am in school and have falln behind on my classes because of sunday. I keep thinking about sunday and trying to replay it all. I will never get those memories back and I will never be able to do that day over so why cant i just let it go. I dont want to go back to that point but I want to stop thinking about it. My plan is to stick with not drinking. It is difficult but I dont want to hurt myself anymore or anyone else. I have said this so many times before. my head still feels cloudy from sunday.

[K9Lover]

bruised n broken

:l:l:l
Okks-
I've been exactly where you are...TOO many times to count. The disappointment, shame, regret and anxiety is horrible, so you have my sympathies. I know you're scraped up, but thankfully you, nor anybody else, was seriously injured. It is such a horrible cycle. I honestly thought I would never get out of it...but it IS possible to break free. You have to want it bad enough, and it sounds like this last episode may have been enough to do that for you. At least you and your son are safe, for now. But don't forget that it could change at any moment if you stay on the path you're on. My memories (foggy as they are) of my last few binges are enough to keep me sober. Is there any way you can order Antabuse online? I know others can recommend quality online pharmacies. I am thinking of you...please keep posting and let us know how you are. I will be thinking of you! :h
K9

[okkslady]

bruised n broken

TIRED

Mama Bear, thank u. you sound like a Mama Bear. your little post had me crying...lol
K9 I am so ashamed. I know u say you can relate and I still think that I am the only person on earth going through this cycle. I am fine a good percent of the time until that day...those days I decide to drink. No off and on switch. The person I was with wont talk to me. I want to know what happened?? I hate not knowing. It was like pure darkness. I get a glimpse or a flash once in awhile and I think was it real???? My parents have filled me in on some of what I said and did and I am like WOWWWW! I cant believe it. People always see me as a good, caring person and a mother but I have this terrible dark side to me. As an old friend described i am like night and day. I am seeking professional help. I need to be open and honest. I tried to speak to my mother about it today and she said "you dont have a problem u just try and fit in with everyone else and you cant handle it" um no mom I have a strong addiction and have no tolerence and no CONTROL!!! I am 34 years old now. Time to stop this.

[windy]

bruised n broken

Okkslady,

I wish your people would tell you what was done and said. I think you really need to know, but it sounds like you will have to give them some time before they will be able to repeat it. Give yourself some time and you will begin to heal also. It is a great idea to seek professional help. GOOD JOB!! that can be very difficult, but it is an essential first step it seems. Keep posting your progress. I think we all have a terrible side to us when we consume too much booze. Some people tend to exert it more than others though and I am sorry you loose all of your good self to booze. Please be who you are without it. You will see an amazing person I bet. I respect and admire your openness and honesty.

[K9Lover]

bruised n broken

Hi Okks!
How are you doing today? I totally respect the honesty of your posts. Personally I've found that the more honest I can be with myself, and with others (even if only here on the boards) the easier it is for me to face reality and change it. So kudos to you for doing that...it's a great place to start.
I have a horrible dark side when drinking too...I can't even believe it lurks within me because normally I'm a nice person and the claws only come out when absolutely necessary. LOL Alcohol does that though, it changes who we are and we become unrecongnizable even to ourselves. How did you do last night?
Thinking of you and sending you strength.
K9

[okkslady]

bruised n broken

I am feeling...

I am feeling down and sad but not trying to portray that to my son. We walk outside and it is so beautiful out and I think..I dont deserve this. My left side of my head still feels groggy and my hands n face are swollen, I guess from the water retention and from drinking? I dunno. This is the only place I can be honest because of the annonimity. I would love to be so honest in my regular life. I talked to another friend who has problems as similar as mine. Same ol thing as me. hurting herself from drinking and blackouts. I told her I need some help and she said "dont be so dramatic, you are fine." So I feel ok but sad. I wish my "friend" I was with that day would tell me what happend but I know he will never speak to me again. This isnt the first time I have lost a friend to my drinking and behavior. I want him to know that wasnt me. (but then again it was ) I want to know what happend then I dont want to know. It is in the past. I should just dust off and keep going. I always say i need a hug. I do.

[K9Lover]

bruised n broken

Okks,
:l:l:l
Whatever happened, was it really that bad that your friend will never speak to you again? Won't he at least explain? Have you tried to communicate with him? I know the feeling of wanting to know, yet not wanting to know. I think you probably need to know so you can move forward, otherwise you'll always be wondering...
I've lost contact with many people due to drinking, doing and saying things that I was so embarrassed about the next day that it was easier just to lose contact with them. It's no way to live...remember this episode next time alcohol calls to you.

[okkslady]

bruised n broken

TO K9

I sent you a private message. I thank you for listening. I have nobody else who will except for everyone on these posts. thanks to everyone else