Okay, I made it through 8 Days AF. Then, Wednesday night I let bad thoughts get into my head. I'm adopted and always around my birthday which is on the 9th I get moody and wonder and get down. This year is no different. So, I've decided to try to find her once again. Oh my birthmom. The state where I was born makes it uber difficult. Okay so that's my reason or excuse depending on how you want to look at it. I didn't even moderate this time. I drank 2/3 of a bottle of vodka. I don't remember too much. I guess I thought I was gonna eat and put some food in the microwave but never cooked it. I made a cup of hot tea successfully and just left it. I spent my Thursday morning puking and feeling like shit. I was so dehydrated that when I was done puking I slept in the bed without covers. I live a couple of hours outside of Chicago. I must have had a fever from just lack of hydration. About noon I felt like getting up. Atleast I didn't have to go into work until 5:00p.m. I felt almost human. I was craving regular Coca Cola. I usually drink diet. Then when I got home from work I was starving seeing as how I hadn't eaten for about a day and a half. Okay, why do I punish and poison my body like this? I know I need to deal with feeling feelings. That is usually when I drink the hardest. I like to just be numb or I don't know. I just hate feeling all the bad shit. My Dad raised me to not feel bad shit. Or let myself feel bad or let myself cry. So, when I feel like crying or feel bad thoughts or sad I want to run. I used to cut or I would diet and starve like crazy or anything to distract from what was going on in my life at the moment. These days alcohol has become the vice of choice. It's easy and takes away the pain for the moment effectively. I'm not beating myself this time. I wanted to but Hubby wouldn't let me. He says I just need to learn how to deal in a more constructive manner and also try to keep my mind working on days off. Which as I have written on here that days off alone are killer for me. I just wish I could deal or handle shit like a normal person. Whatever that is? I wish I didn't have to take meds to handle my depression. I guess I just need to accept some things as a part of life? I'm glad I can come here to say what I need to. I do love seeing how others are fighting this war. I was so elated to see that Rocky has gotten to a place to start going AF. That's awesome and lets me know this is not a futile fight. Okay I have rambled on long enough. Just know I do love this place and love knowing there are supportive people here and there is no judgement that you are bad or slipping is horrible and the end of the world. We just get to where we can go with out on our own paces. I thought this was going to be easy. A year ago this would have been a walk in the park. I could go for ages and not even want a drink. But I'm in a different frame of mind and have to figure out how to shift my mind back to that place. That's the struggle. Well, I rambled way too much. So, I will stop here so not to bore anyone. Hugs to all of you:h .
-
-
I'm On Day 2 Once again..........
Oh......... I am so sorry for you! You are not boring us at all! You are a person with real feelings, so let those feelings out!!!!
Ok, a bit about me - on the opposite of the spectrum. My mother had a child when she was 16. She never met her until about 10 years ago. It was completely awkward!! My sister (the one who was adopted) was asking me all sorts of questions about our mom. Now my answer to her was "You are lucky to have had an opportunity to be who you wanted to be. And be raised by someone who had nothing but unconditional love towards you."
Our mother, was vicious, abusive, selfish, and I would of given my first born to God if I could only have a life without abuse.
I know this is harsh but I do love my mother and have felt sorry for her my whole life. It is only in the VERY recent years we have moved past all of the crap. But... I do still think there should be some sort of license to have children. As bad as that sounds. Please know that you were placed for adoption because you were meant to have a good life!!! -
I'm On Day 2 Once again..........
Thanks for the input. It's great to hear from another part of the TRIAD as to speak. Yeah, I know probably I was given up for good reason. My Birthmother did take ten months to decide to sign the papers to release me to the state. I was in foster care the first ten months of my life. Which I guess is or isn't but but may explain some of my personal and trust issues and just being intimate with anyone. I was in two foster homes in that short time. My adopted mother said I wasn't really cuddly for her I just wanted to be let down and alone when she got me. I'm not really cuddly or touchy or demonstative to this day.Accountable for Me;92036 wrote: Oh......... I am so sorry for you! You are not boring us at all! You are a person with real feelings, so let those feelings out!!!!
Ok, a bit about me - on the opposite of the spectrum. My mother had a child when she was 16. She never met her until about 10 years ago. It was completely awkward!! My sister (the one who was adopted) was asking me all sorts of questions about our mom. Now my answer to her was "You are lucky to have had an opportunity to be who you wanted to be. And be raised by someone who had nothing but unconditional love towards you."
Our mother, was vicious, abusive, selfish, and I would of given my first born to God if I could only have a life without abuse.
I know this is harsh but I do love my mother and have felt sorry for her my whole life. It is only in the VERY recent years we have moved past all of the crap. But... I do still think there should be some sort of license to have children. As bad as that sounds. Please know that you were placed for adoption because you were meant to have a good life!!!
Being Native American I am under the assumption that my Birthmom most likely drank with me(while pregnant). Funny I read somewhere I think in Prevention Magazine that children of Parents who drank during conception or after have a strong dislike for sour things. I hate anything sour. I hate lemons or sour candy, vinegar in anything, sour foods........Hubby makes a Greek dressing and if he uses lemons I won't touch it. Sour disgusts me. I also assume just because she's native and the times she was in that maybe she drank a lot.
I know I was better off in a lot of ways. I adore my adoptive Mom. She would give anything for me. I yearn for her hugs a lot and her voice and her smell.
There are just so many questions I have. For some strange reason I yearn to someone I resemble. Someone who has the same habits as me. It's a strange yearning. I know I had lots of benefits of growing up how I did. I made it through Highschool. Which a lot of Native Americans my age from what I understand Have not completed. I even took some Junior college classes and then got married, like a dork, to a Native American from Peru who had crazy ideas about marriage, women, and how I should have stayed a pure little girl all my life. I should have ran from him but I was intrigued. That's where a lot of my problems really surfaced. But now is my turn to heal. I figure all the answers I wish to find won't be happy or positive. I may find she's in an alley or whatever. I just need to know. I also feel it's my right to know.
Huggs to you Accountable for being so open and putting all that out on the table.:h . I means a lot. I am glad that you and your Mom have been able to work issues out. Also, big huggs to you for sharing with me. I have a lot to work out. I think I will have to call my Mom and let her know how much I treasure her. I like to think that she knows but maybe I need to tell her again.........Comment
-
I'm On Day 2 Once again..........
Hi Just H,
I read your post and thought it might help if you knew you are not the only one who keeps starting over. I am in the same boat but I am not giving up, so don't you give up either!
Your post was so beautifully honest and from the heart. My background is much different than yours but we share the same sense of self defeat and need to numb emotions because we were both taught that it is not okay to feel or be weak or be frail or be human.
I think this place a place where we can practice being all of those things, and no one will try to shame us or scare us into being anything other than who we are. Even if we keep drinking. For me that is huge -- people accepting me even if I am less than perfect.
I hope you follow up on letting your adoptive mom know how much she means to you. She is a wonderful blessing in your life
Something that I have realized since I saw the movie The Secret is the power of being grateful. Even if there is only one or two small things I can find to be grateful for, if I focus on being grateful for those things, then pretty soon more things start showing up to be grateful for
Hang in there and keep posting here. I love reading your posts and value your contribution to this site.
love,
RoxyComment
-
I'm On Day 2 Once again..........
Thanks Roxy. It feels good to know I'm not alone and that my feelings aren't weird. Huggs to you and I will keep coming back here :h .Roxy1234;92355 wrote: Hi Just H,
I read your post and thought it might help if you knew you are not the only one who keeps starting over. I am in the same boat but I am not giving up, so don't you give up either!
Your post was so beautifully honest and from the heart. My background is much different than yours but we share the same sense of self defeat and need to numb emotions because we were both taught that it is not okay to feel or be weak or be frail or be human.
I think this place a place where we can practice being all of those things, and no one will try to shame us or scare us into being anything other than who we are. Even if we keep drinking. For me that is huge -- people accepting me even if I am less than perfect.
I hope you follow up on letting your adoptive mom know how much she means to you. She is a wonderful blessing in your life Something that I have realized since I saw the movie The Secret is the power of being grateful. Even if there is only one or two small things I can find to be grateful for, if I focus on being grateful for those things, then pretty soon more things start showing up to be grateful for
Hang in there and keep posting here. I love reading your posts and value your contribution to this site.
love,
RoxyComment
-
I'm On Day 2 Once again..........
Hi just.
Just letting you know that I'm thinking about you and wishing that I could say something to make you happier.Comment
-
I'm On Day 2 Once again..........
Just,
It is not a futile fight.
I'm adopted too. Didn't find out till I was 32 so I don't accept that as an excuse to drink.Please do not make excuses to drink or to give up. If you want to get cheesed off at someone, do it to me, but not to yourself. You are too important. You have to get through this.
Stop punishing your body. It needs you to give it nutrition.
Next, stop punishing yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror. Say to youirself. "I am here to help you" "I will be kind to you"
8 days Af. Congratulate yourself. That is a great achievement. Be kind to yourself.
Hang in there and keep taking the meds for a while longer.
Geez, H, I'd like to chat with you to try to help somehow. You have the power not to let it be a struggle.The power is within you. Do it.
RagsComment
-
I'm On Day 2 Once again..........
Hi there, this is my first entry here. I finally started last week to try to stop a daily drinking problem, was the best I ever felt, then I fell off Friday night and was I think the sickest I've ever been. A few times during the dry heaves I thought I was dying. This killed my father and uncle and I can't be far behind. I want to try to 'moderate' my drinking but so far I don't seem capable.Comment
-
I'm On Day 2 Once again..........
Hi lookingforsigns.
I'm the same. I had to decide, for sure, that I have to stop drinking. Yoda put it well. 'Do, or not do. There is no try.'Comment
-
I'm On Day 2 Once again..........
Hi Lookingforsigns and
You can do this .....
Keep reading and posting and take all the help that you can from the fabulous people on this site .....
Lots of love & hugs :h :l :h Attached files [img]/converted_files/187587=490-attachment.gif[/img]sigpicXXXComment
-
I'm On Day 2 Once again..........
Hello and welcome. I think just letting your thoughts out will help you both JustH and lookingforsigns. I have found so much support here its almost unbelievable. Things will get better but it is kind of a rollercoaster at times, but this site has changed my life drastically for the good.
XXX000
SammysComment
-
I'm On Day 2 Once again..........
Thanks Sammys. I'm trying to learn to express myself these days. It's hard. I guess it's like any other skill the more you practice the easier it gets.sammys;92814 wrote: Hello and welcome. I think just letting your thoughts out will help you both JustH and lookingforsigns. I have found so much support here its almost unbelievable. Things will get better but it is kind of a rollercoaster at times, but this site has changed my life drastically for the good.
XXX000
SammysComment
-
I'm On Day 2 Once again..........
Hi just h .. your post has really impacted on me .. I've only been a member a short time so I apologise if someone else has asked this question before but have you ever had therapy? The main reason I ask is because of the self harm .. I too did this for years and I eventually had some counselling a couple of years ago and it helped me understand why I do it .. its amazing how terrified people are of this subject eh!? Anyway for what its worth it helped me greatly .. also it taught me the skills to deal with things rather than turn the anger on myself .. lots of luck to you, you too lookingforsigns xxComment
-
I'm On Day 2 Once again..........
Hello Toby. That's fine for asking. I am going to a psychologist now. I went when I was 16 but thought it was a joke and didn't go after 2 sessions. Now, I'm going. I need the help and want it now. Huggs to you.Comment
-
I'm On Day 2 Once again..........
Thats good to hear .. One thing .. and something by the way that should be more widely known .. I went to sooo many Psychiatrists and Therapists before I found one that I actually liked, and really all I wanted was help I was not fussy they just did not get me .. some were actually really rude and made me feel worse than I already did .. they really set me back in my thinking ... I think we should be told that the first one or 2 we see may not suit us but to keep trying until we find a 'fit' if you like .. I ended up with a Psychotherapist (found Psychiatrists too clinical and 'black and white about matters) and I stayed with her for over a year .. she literally was a life saver, she made me understand why I cut myself and I genuinely believed she deeply cared for me .. give it time, its about developing trust and opening up .. you are on the right path xxComment
Comment