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    #1

    Long Time Abbers? Your thoughts?

    originally posted in the nest - I realized it might get missed it the shuffle. And I am really hoping for long time Abbers to weigh in on the best parts of a world without AL. Basically - can you help those of us starting out or re-starting out - by almost giving us a "vision board"?


    Prairie Fairy;1289829 wrote: Ok - anger.

    That seems to be a huge part of this beast for so many of us when you read the posts.

    Anger at:
    - starting drinking in the first place
    - taking that damn drink after 36 days of abs
    - wanting to mod but failing
    - as a trigger
    - at the world when we've been drinking
    - at ourselves - self loathing at it's finest
    - at the beast

    I've been doing a lot of thinking. Anger may help me surf some urges, fight my way through some witching hours - but it can't be the fuel. Because at day 36 when someone offers me a bloody Mary - and I am relaxed - that anger isn't going to sustain my quit. It didn't.

    Hope has to be the true fuel. It has to be a vision in my head of a world where drinking isn't part of my life. What does that look like? How does that feel? What are the best parts of that world?

    Byrdie, Lavande, or any of the long time Abbers - can you comment on the best parts of a life spent - long term - without AL? Can you help paint a picture so we know what we are working for?
    :thanks:
    That popping sound you hear is me attempting to remove my head from my arse. It's been there for years so this may take a while.
    Admitting I need healing. And I am not big enough to do this alone.
    AF - August 20, 2012
    Tags: None
    #2
    Long Time Abbers? Your thoughts?

    the best parts of a world without AL.
    Freedom

    Free to live without having to worry about all the BS that drinking brings , do what i want when i want and not ever being trapped by AL. It might sound simple but priceless to me.
    AF 5/jan/2011

    Comment

      #3
      Long Time Abbers? Your thoughts?

      For me, one of the most wonderful things about living sober, is not having to live with guilt and shame. I used to drink way too much, way too often. I would have a lot of guilt and for the stupid things I would do when drinking. Now, I have totally removed that from my life. In the absence of that cycle, I have been able to slowly start to rebuild myself, to rebuild my self esteem, and re-build who I want to be.

      I love being able to drive a car at any time of the day or night. I love never being hungover. I love my kids not seeing me drink all he time. I love not having booze breath all the time. I love not fighting about my drinking with my wife. I love saving over $ 2500 a year. I love being in the moment when spending time with my kids, and not just trying to get close to a beer fridge.

      I could go on and on.

      Hill
      Sober since Feb 7, 2010.

      Comment

        #4
        Long Time Abbers? Your thoughts?

        Hi prairie,....I may not be a long time abber YET but I'm on my way...:-)

        This is proving to be a tough question for me. There are a bunch of obvious reasons - but to truly paint a picture, I'm going to give this some thought throughout the day today...
        ~

        Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

        Sobriety date: Sept 26, 2011

        Comment

          #5
          Long Time Abbers? Your thoughts?

          Hello Prairie,

          I would agree wholeheartedly with Madmans and Hillside.

          Living without regret and guilt is so much better than the remorse and bad feelings I had about myself while drinking. It has been difficult to discover the real me--but in a good way. I started using alcohol at a pretty young age, and it was an important factor in my social life. Some things just aren't fun anymore, but you know what? That is ok, because I have 2 teenage boys that need to see that you don't have to drink to have fun--there are plenty of things that are fun for me now, and it is great being able to participate and not wish I was somewhere drinking instead.

          It is hard for me to paint a picture for you. But take my word for it...I had plenty of regrets while I was drinking, but I have never once regretted quitting. It is so worth it!
          _______________
          NF since June 1, 2008
          AF since September 28, 2008
          DrunkFree since June 1, 2008
          _____________
          :wings: In memory of MDbiker aka Bear.
          5/4/2010 In loving memory of MaryAnne. I pray you've found peace my friend.
          _______________
          The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.ray:

          Comment

            #6
            Long Time Abbers? Your thoughts?

            Copied from the nest!


            Hi Prairie Fairy and Nesters!!

            PF I got your message and wanted to write a few thoughts. First off, I like what Flyaway said about the science of alcohol and other drug effects. I havent read the Vale book, but her summary of what alcohol does to our brains is consistent with what I am learning in school in my Psychopharmacology class. What I take away from that is absolute amazement at the miracle of our bodies. Our bodies physically keep fighting for us even when we emotionally give up. I am so grateful to have a body that fights for me like that!!!! And grateful I didn't keep going untl it finally couldn't keep up with my abuse any more.

            PF I like what you said about hope being a better fuel than anger. I hadn't really thought about it that way until I saw what you said, but that is absolutely true for me. Hope is my fuel. Anger is something I have developed tools to avoid. I don't like feeling angry. I like feeling peaceful and optimistic inside. I was nothing but a walking around angry mess at the end of my drinking years. All of that anger FUELED MY DRINKING. The world just kept pissing me off and giving me excuse after excuse to get drunk. How sick and twisted is that???? But that was my alkie brain's way of keeping the fixes coming. Anger and disappointment that everyone didn't do things the way I thought they should.

            For me, anger and worry are close cousins. I came to realize that worry is anger about future events. Stuff that hasn't happened yet. But I'm SURE it's going to happen, and I've already got a strong emotion going about.....fiction. So tool #1 is to STAY IN THE PRESENT. There is no point in getting upset about my fictionalized version of future events.

            One of my favorite tools to deal with anger/frustration/negative feelings about something is to say the serenity prayer, and use those words to evaluate what's going on.


            Quote:
            Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

            Am I banging my head against the wall over something I WANT to change, but it's outside of my control? Like my husband? My family? My teachers? Friends? Strangers doing something I don't like while sharing the road with them? (LOL - anger at others while I'm driving is a KEY SIGN for me that I need to meditate and do a mental shift!) I cannot control other people places and things. I can only control me.


            Quote:
            The courage to change the things I can

            Sometimes it's easier to bang my head against the wall wishing others would change than to have the COURAGE to change what IS within my control. As an example, it seemed easier to focus on something my husband "wasn't doing right" as a source of anger, and an excuse to drink.


            Quote:
            And the wisdom to know the difference

            I was trying to change something I cannot (him) and NOT taking responsibility for what I CAN change (me, and whether or not I pick up the first drink) This was really my LIFE before I stopped drinking. Everything was everyone else's fault. If I could only make them do things my way, then I would feel good inside and wouldn't have to drink all the time. Well, I discovered that doesn't work. Not in my life.

            These days I try to examine angry feelings and get to the bottom of it. What am I responsible for? What is within my control? What is outside of my control that I need to just accept and move on?

            Cleaning up the wreckage goes right to this point. We can express to others our regrets for what we did to hurt them with our drinking. That is all we can do. We cannot force people to forgive us, etc. The VERY BEST ammend I can make to my loved ones is to just keep my mouth shut, stay sober, and do the next right thing. Become a person they can trust and respect. That doesn't take words. It just takes time and consistency - one day at a time.

            The most important person I needed to forgive was me. Living in the present (and not the past) helps with that too. TODAY I have the opportunity to make the best possible choices I can make, and be the best "me" I can be. That is what is within my control. Just to do my best TODAY. I can't change yesterday, and I can't predict or control the future.

            HOPE for myself is the belief and the faith that if I keep making the best choices I can make (knowing I will make some honest mistakes) ONE DAY AT A TIME that things will get better. I have faith that whatever lies in front of me in this life will be good - even when bad things happen (that are out of my control!).

            HOPE in sharing with others - I am writing this today so I can hopefully offer some HOPE to PF and any other nesters that need some! Hope that your journey to freedom and sobriety can be filled with happiness too. Hope that this early phase when it's REALLY HARD to not pick up a drink will pass. Hope that you will have the FREEDOM to make different choices for your life, and live life to the fullest.

            I love being involved in the recovery community. Here at MWO. At AA. In volunteer work. I get to see the miracles every day that are happening in people's lives. Yes, I also see the struggles. The relapses. The deaths. Addiction is deadly. I can't control that. What I CAN do is choose to share with others a store that for today at least, is one of happiness and success. There were a lot of bumps in the road and there still are. But they are good bumps that I learn from and grow from. It took me a long time to see that.

            Well, this is a novel!!! I do not know how to make a long story short LOL. I hope you find what I have found and what so many others here have found in recovery. It is there for the taking. It's worth working for. Struggling for. Fighting for.

            Peace of mind. Tools for living. No regrets. Ahhhhhhhhh.

            If I can do it, so can you.

            One thing is for sure. Today, no alcohol will cross these lips.

            DG
            Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
            Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07

            One day at a time.

            Comment

              #7
              Long Time Abbers? Your thoughts?

              First and foremost I AM GLAD YOUR ARE BACK PRAIRIE FAIRY!!!

              For me there was no way I was going to ever enjoy my life if I kept drinking alcohol every day like I was doing. I have a rich desire to live my life to the fullest and that is what gave me the strength to finally stop drinking. It is a crutch in so many senses: dulls our hearing our insight and our feelings. It was stopping me from being who I really wanted to be.

              I now have hope and desire, and have been completely free of alcohol for a short time of 6 months, so my experience is fresh and new. But I can say I wake up more present than I ever have. I have the clear head to make level decisions. Most of my anxiety is gone. I have a new commitment to be as honest as I possibly can and I seek the truth. I value my family and my community and feel I can now be a positive influence and contributor to both. Contributing to my community is something that I need to spend more time on, and as I feel more confident, find it to be a possibility. I can finally start giving back.

              Most importantly, I am living a true life now! I am trying to make it as pure as possible without chemicals or poison to bog up my mind, body and spirit. I can’t explain how clear and sharp my mind now feels, but it is the effect I was hoping to achieve. There are so many things I want to do and I can't wait to do them --- this is a fundamental difference from the old me who just did what was required to get by. There are a handful of things I had hoped would have been done by now just by not drinking, but they are going to require more work. But I FEEL I CAN DO ANYTHING now that I have done what I thought was impossible for sooooo long and the hard stuff is behind me. I will always be a work in progress and I would not want it any other way.

              That’s what I wanted! I think you can only get what YOU want when you clear your mind, body and soul so that you do the real searching that is required to start your journey or seriously engage in your personal journey. Our journeys are all different, but we can only start if we stop drinking daily. YOU have to decide what you want and how you are going to get there, but once your do and start executing your plan, you will never be sorry. (I promise!)

              Comment

                #8
                Long Time Abbers? Your thoughts?

                Hi PF,

                For me the biggest thing is the peace of mind
                I don't ever have to wonder or worry if I did or said something stupid or harmful.
                I have complete access to my three wonderful grandkids.
                I've gained a lot & also lost a lot since I quit drinking but I have grown emotionally & spiritually.
                I love waking up each day with no regrets
                AF since 03/26/09
                NF since 05/19/09
                Success comes one day at a time :thumbs:

                Comment

                  #9
                  Long Time Abbers? Your thoughts?

                  Welcome back PF,

                  For me there was no way I was EVER going to enjoy my life on my terms if I kept drinking alcohol every day like I was doing. I have always had a strong desire to live my life to the fullest and that is what gave me the strength to finally stop drinking. Because, as we know, you can not, in no form or fashion live your life while drinking to excess. It is a crutch to so many senses: feelings, insight and listening just to name a few. It was stopping me from being who I really wanted to be and needed to be for my family.

                  I have hope and desire and have been completely free of alcohol for only a short time -- 6 months, so my experience is fresh and new. But I can say I wake up every morning more present and alive than I ever have. I have a clear head to make level, headed decisions. Most of my anxiety is gone. So....my overall health has to have improved too.

                  Most important is I am living a true and honest life now that I am without chemicals or poison to bog up my mind, body and spirit. I can’t explain how clear and sharp my mind now feels, but it is the effect I was hoping to achieve.

                  That’s what I wanted more than anything, but found it so hard to fathom, until now. It takes time and hard work. There are so many things that I thought I would gain from merely quitting alcohol but did not too. I guess it just gives me something more to work on, as I will ALWAYS be a work in progress. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I think you can get what YOU want if you clear your mind, body and soul of the “stupid water”. In order to do the real searching that is required to make your journey all it can be, I highly recommend it.

                  Good luck to you.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Long Time Abbers? Your thoughts?

                    The anxiety of my blackouts was literally killing me. Now I can wake up at peace with myself.

                    My daughter told me the other day "You're the strongest person I know, Mom"....that right there makes it all worth it.
                    :heart:I love my daughter more than alcohol:heart:

                    Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Long Time Abbers? Your thoughts?

                      Gosh, all these replies are profound....and I agree with all of them. I've tried all day to think about what my picture would look like for you...and honestly - I didn't get very far. Yes, it's amazing to NOT spend each day in a constant state of worry...about someone finding out...about getting pulled over...about doing other stupid things...about what I was doing to myself...and if I killed myself with alcohol, what it would do to those that survived.

                      But that brings me right back around to the anger and fear. I think the key is you have to ask yourself some questions - what is it that you hate so much about alcohol? What about it makes you fearful and angry? And from there YOU can visualize YOUR life without those parts.

                      My Best Parts of my AF world? Will not be YOUR best parts. The most amazing parts to me are that when my teenager gets annoyed with me, I don't have to "worry" (there's that word again) that he knows, and is exasperated with my drinking, and that I can focus when he needs help with something- and we've been able to have some wonderful heart to heart conversations about him losing his grandma - that I remember every word of.....but these can't be the part of a picture that YOU can use to look forward to.

                      Every single thing about existing without it is a million times better than living with that burden. waking up, looking in the mirror, driving, staying awake at night, talking and making sense, breathing, sleeping, reading, thinking, loving. I had lost my pizzazz. Now granted, I may not have that much of it now :H - but god, there wasn't much likeable about that person who drank all the time.....not much at all. I'm seeing some potential again - in THIS person. :l
                      ~

                      Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

                      Sobriety date: Sept 26, 2011

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Long Time Abbers? Your thoughts?

                        K9, that's beautiful - what your daughter said...(and this is my fave pic of you so far!)
                        ~

                        Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

                        Sobriety date: Sept 26, 2011

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Long Time Abbers? Your thoughts?

                          wait! It's a different pic than I saw a few minutes ago! You're confusing me!:H
                          ~

                          Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

                          Sobriety date: Sept 26, 2011

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Long Time Abbers? Your thoughts?

                            K9Lover;1290227 wrote: The anxiety of my blackouts was literally killing me. Now I can wake up at peace with myself.

                            My daughter told me the other day "You're the strongest person I know, Mom"                            ....that right there makes it all worth it.
                            Wow! That makes me want to cry! :l

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Long Time Abbers? Your thoughts?

                              Freedom! Clarity!!!! PRIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
                              It is not what we do, but how much love we put into the doing.
                              Mother Theresa

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