April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

[Over It!]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Failed? Really?

Hi Getting there, you know, you only had 2 drinks - I bet that there were times that would have been 2 bottles! Am I right? Maybe it wasnt a complete fail and still a step in the right direction. Keep going, every step in the right direction helps. Stay on the path and good luck with today. :l

[LillyE]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Over It!;1290474 wrote: Hi LillyE,

Thanks for the words of encouragement but even though you congratulated me for my 23 days, I am starting to wobble.:tsk:

It is our wedding anniversary this Saturday and I am thinking that it would be ok if I stop the AB, but still stay on the Topa and only have 1 bottle of wine to celebrate.

As I am sitting here typing this my SO has opened a bottle of wine (3rd one since Sunday) and is happily supping away! :upset: This makes it really difficult for me.

I am also in Australia, at least the weather is great atm, and I have been out in the garden today giving it a "makeover" so I feel that at least I have accomplished something significant for a change instead of being hungover and gross!

I hope that I can remain strong -but I am having some serious doubts now.

I'm sorry to hear that OI - especially as it sounds like you are doing SO GREAT! Didn't you say you felt the best this morning you have in years? Think about how you'll feel the morning after the wedding anniversary - probably not so hot. And then the day after, it'll be easier to drink again. It sucks that your SO isn't being supportive. I would certainly find it twice as hard with someone sitting here next to me drinking. It's hard enough going out with friends drinking.

You must have had powerful reasons for wanting to get to 100 days? What were they? Why do you want/need to quit? Can you celebrate without drinking? And any odds your partner will join you in that? (Does he have a problem or no?)

My real life quit buddy - I didn't ask her, she volunteered - texted me tonight to say she was drinking. We're supposed to be hanging out walking and watching DVDs and not drinking. That will make the wine in her fridge all the more tempting.

Try to stay in there... none of us are here for minor reasons, right?

L

[Getting There]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Thanks, Over It - I am usually petty hard on myself. I have gone over 100 days before and am kind of mad at myself for going back although I realize that my story is like so many others who are here. And you are right - I usually drink much more than 2. I will keep trying and will be happy for any small successes that I gain. Good luck on your quest as well!

[Prairie Fairy]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Lilly et al: I've had technical difficulties this morning - so this won't look like a normal quote. But this came from my longest quit so far. It was my reasons for doing this and why having wine on the anniversary to me sounds like a bad idea. But it's always an individual choice. I decided along the way I was comfortable, my friends were doing a bloody Mary brunch - and while I modded for a while - it lead to the binge of a life time.

So here I am again - pulling back from worse.

And here I was before - the last time I put together the most AF days:


I wrote my post on my mobile phone and there’s so much I didn’t get completely right. So - I hope you don't mind - but I really wanted to fix what I think wasn't spot on when typed in 20 minutes from a mobile.

I wasn’t really ready to start this quit - but I never would have been ready. I would have just drifted around bemoaning where I was - never taking action - if I hadn’t accidentally started Day 1.

If I hadn’t accidentally started Day 1 - I am almost certain I’d have parted ways with the SO - I was hurting him because he couldn’t bare to watch me devolve.

If I hadn’t accidentally started Day 1- my friends would have continued to worry - because each night was becoming worse.

If I hadn’t accidentally started Day 1 - I would have continued to wake up every night at 3 am, dehydrated and looking for food because the wine sugar had worn off and I hadn’t eaten dinner. (Hello dark circles...soooooo pretty on me.)

If I hadn’t accidentally started Day 1 - I’d have continued to have pathetic labs - with B levels so low they almost certainly were leading to anxiety, a marked reduction in ability to handle stress, and PROFOUND anemia.

If I hadn’t accidentally started Day 1 - I’d continue to be riddled with fear, self doubt, self loathing, and paralysis. Where I’m successful in much of what I do - this would be a continued boogeyman under my bed - a boogeyman ready to steal away my heart, my soul, and everything I’ve worked so hard to earn.

I wasn’t ready to start Day 1. I didn’t WANT to start Day 1. But I desperately needed to start Day 1. For my friends, for my family, for my beloved - but MOST importantly - for ME.

I could not continue. I wouldn’t have made it. I was shrinking inside myself. I was becoming a ball - a tiny knot of a soul drowning in a sea of red wine - with no one to blame but myself - and no one who could save me - but me. And I wasn’t sure the me that was left - was strong enough to save the me that needed saving.

Has it been easy? No. Not even a little.

The first few days as the AL clears the system - I felt hit by a bus. Tired, achy, mood swings, and the CRAVINGS. The boogeyman wants the booze. WANTS it. WANTS to make you take a drink. It’s been living on it, relying on it for so long it WANTS it. It’s like the Golum - I heard it whispering “WANTS my PRECIOUS” over and over again. I would yell back at the Golum in my head that “I’m stronger than you. I WON’T. I WON’T. You can’t make me.”

More than one night I sat outside the grocery store doors in my car. Staring...watching people going in and out. Knowing - just knowing that if I unlocked my door and walked in - that Malbec was coming home. The quit would be over. Not because I physically needed a drink. That ended much quicker than I thought. I realized soon enough my issues with AL are habit. A STRONG habit built on a lack of coping skills - but HABIT.

Those nights as I watched people go in and out of the grocery door - the quit so close to ending - I had decisions to make.

I thought about the pros/cons of walking in - taking that bottle home...

Pros:
The Gollum would SHUT up - for a while
The WANT would SHUT up - for a while
That wonderful warm fuzzy feeling would be back - for a while

Cons:
I’d let you all down - and I was surprised at how much that mattered so soon
I’d let down my friends, my family, and my SO - even though I hadn’t told them about the quit yet
While the Gollum would SHUT up - he wouldn’t shut up for long - and I’d be back to more than one bottle soon
The WANT would become a NEED because I haven’t learned other habits
Is it really a warm fuzzy feeling? Or comfort because it’s habit - like an old pair of jeans or your rubber duck jammies when you get into bed?
Do I want to be slurred on the phone?
Do I want to have flashes of anger for no good reason in the evening?
Do I want to go to bed angry?
Do I want to check FB at 3 am to see what I typed? HOLY SHYTE - did I really? CRAP...please GOD say no one was awake.
Do I want to check the call log to see who I called?
Do I want to wake up hating myself?

And I looked at the people going in and out of that door. I said no. No I don’t. No - I will not give in to the Monkey Chatter no matter how loud, no matter how insistent. Not today. Because if I give in, I’m not sure there will be enough of me to put me back together. Because the accidental quit might be my one miracle.

Today - I’ve made 21 days. That’s longer than my entire adult life since I graduated HS by the longest possible shot - I can’t even guess. It’s long enough to be a habit. It’s not yet. I’m not taking it for granted. I no longer believe that the accidental quit is my only miracle.

I believe I am surrounded by miracles. First - there’s you. All of you. I get your support. Your ear. Your faith in me. Your foot in my tail when I need it. Your advice on how to make it ODAT - even one minute at a time. And I can’t believe how good it feels to give back. To find something that might help someone like me - who lurked for over a year before coming out of the shadows. Who might be on the fence, who might not believe she’s enough - who might not believe there is any hope left. I’m no expert. Not even close. But if I hold out a hand - like everyone in the nest ahead of me held out there’s - maybe it’s enough. Even for one person. And that would be a miracle.

I wake up clear headed in the morning. Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to sleep about 14 hours a day. I think that’s my body wanting to heal. On weekends I want to SLEEP. And sleep. And then do some more. I’ve used this ole’ thing shamefully hard. There’s that old saying “Ride her like you stole her.” Yup - been there, done that, bought the shirt. This body has had her tires chirped and been over more than one curb at a high rate of speed. She needs the supplements and she needs some sleep. But between the fluids, the supplements, and the sleep - it looks like I’ve dropped 5 years in 21 days. I’ll call that a miracle. It’s a free face lift.

I told an old friend I had quit tonight - I hadn’t told her yet. She cried. She told me she had been so scared for me. Another friend earlier in the week who is having the SO and I over to dinner next week told me to bring whatever beverage I wanted - I said can’t speak for him - but I’ll be bring tea. She was surprised - she said you are still on your detox program? With everything going on in your life right now? I said yes - I made a promise to myself that I wasn’t going to have anything to drink, eat healthy, take supplements, and cut back on caffeine until after November 25th. And that I was NOT going to break a promise to myself just because it was Thanksgiving. And the surprise - happy surprise - from both of them? Miracle.

Going to sleep with the SO - staring at me in wonderment...so happy to have “me” back but not saying it. We’ve been together long enough to just know. Miracle.

Knowing - to my bones - that I made a promise to myself and I don’t intend to shortchange myself. Realizing that I went from being a happy wine drinker to a swiller. Having to face that it’s entirely possible I may never be able to settle for one or two. Not knowing if that’s true - hoping it’s not - having to examine all my choices good and bad for clues. But doing it with a clear head. And knowing that I may well have to be AF for my whole life. Trying to come to terms with that. Realizing that if it comes to that versus being where I was - then so be it.

In the last 21 days I did what I didn’t think I could do. Without AA. Without a rehab center. With nutrition, hypnotherapy and the support of this group. And an accidental Day 1. Let me say that again - because I can’t say that enough. With an accidental Day 1. This quit started as a miracle. It stayed a quit through hard work and determination not to let an enormous number of people down. And now - it’s a quit that feels good. It feels like hope, like faith in a better future, like a different world of possibilities exist. This world is light years and 21 days away from passed out on my chaise lounge with the TV blasting, waiting to be abandoned by everyone I loved because they couldn’t watch the self destruction anymore.

So - if you are new to the nest. And you think you are hopeless. That you can’t do this. You are listening to the chatter scaring you as it swirls your brain. Stop. You are enough. You CAN do this. You are NOT hopeless. You are in the right place. Your miracle comes with hard work. When you are ready to work - accidentally or not - we are ready to help.

Today is Day 21. And today I was stronger than AL.
__________________
That popping sound you hear is me attempting to remove my head from my arse. It's been there for years so this may take a while.
Day 1 - April 1 - Check
Day 7 - April 8
Day 14 - April 15
Day 21 - April 22
Day 28 - April 29
Day 30 - May 1
Day 36 - May 6
Day 42 - May 13
Day 45 - May 16

[Tipplerette]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Just got on and am very busy.

I am IN. Will reread all the amazing anecdotes and comments this evening.

Glad to be on board.

[Prairie Fairy]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

I am back from my work out and wanted to say where everything went wrong from that quit that was changing my life.

I went to a brunch with friends. Everyone was having bloody Mary's. I had one. It was WONDERFUL. My old friend. And I stopped at one!!!! That MUST mean I could mod!!!! I could be one the few who can!!! Yay me!

But later that night I looked at a box of Malbec at the grocery store - my favorite kind - and said to myself - well surely I can manage just one with dinner and if I get it in the box it won't go bad by only pouring one at a time.

Welcome to the start of the worst binge ever.

Because an enormous number of crippling things happened in my personal life that honestly - I lacked the coping skills for. So I sublimated my feelings in a sea of red wine. I floated my soul away on a boat bobbing about in Malbec.

Until I realized I would lose everything important to me if I didn't stop, if I didn't step back from the abyss and save myself, if I didn't return myself to the happiest time of my life in the last 3 years - those when I strung as many AF days together - even if not consequetive - as I did - last Fall and again early in the year.

So - here I am. Prepared to do what I need to do because people depend on me and I want to be worth depending on. And I am desperately thankful that it has only been a couple days and people are already treating me differently - but this time they know. I am grateful beyond measure.

I will take all the help and support I can get - from wherever it comes. Angels are sent in all shapes and sizes. Gifts and miracles are found where they are.

So - it's a restart. But restarts are still times of hope - and faith. In ourselves. And by others. Let's do this. Together.

[SweetHereafter]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Thanks for sharing that story Prairie Fairy.
I am starting today after a horrendous incident on Saturday night which caused my boyfriend to break up with me. Happy to be here with all of you on your journey.

[Prairie Fairy]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Welcome SweetHereafter-

I am very sorry about Saturday. You have a safe place here to start your journey.

[LillyE]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Thank you so much for sharing all that Prairie Fairy - that was very moving and also resonated for me.

You see, one thing that scares me is I'm becoming aware that after a break I can seem to end up going back to it even harder - to an even worse place. It's like the alcohol demon is trying to make up for lost time. I spiral further. It's been slow spirals for me but I fear it suddenly accelerating even more. Also, for now it's 'relatively' easy for me to quit - I mean, it isn't super easy and I obviously can't keep it up well, but I don't have the horrible withdrawal symptoms or unbearable cravings some people talk about. I feel a bit fatigued, insomnia, flat, gassy etc the first week or so, not great but minor stuff, certainly nowhere near as bad as quitting smoking was, but that's it... for now. And after a week or two I start to feel MUCH better. But I fear it getting harder and harder to quit as it seems to from all I've read here and elsewhere.

I also relate to the being 'half in' the quit. I fear that's where I am now. I mean, I'm feeling fairly determined not to drink in April but after that I'm going away for a whole month and I'll be staying with friends who are big boozers - to be honest, she, one of my oldest friends, is clearly really just a high-functioning alcoholic in denial. Unless I make up my mind between now and then that I'm really not drinking again I fear that will just be a huge boozeathon. I also know it will be hugely tempting for all kinds of reasons.

Anyway, day 3, feeling a bit lighter already for now...

Lilly x

[LillyE]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Also, welcome to our little starting-over club SweetHereafter. Tell us your story. How can we help?

[Prairie Fairy]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Happy Hump Day April ReStart Team!

Last night I faced down some cravings - blah blah - issues with both our exes - blah bah. Normally - a trigger to head off to the store for a nice Malbec and some numbing. I got busy running around laundering everything in the house, took GABA, inositol, taurine, and magnesium; hit the herbal tea until I could have floated an air craft carrier - gritted my teeth and waited it out.

Glad I did. The SO called late - I think to test whether I am holding true to my word or not - and with what had happened - past behavior would have said he find me pickled at that time of night - and I was stock sober. I could tell he was both surprised and proud. Yay. Nice not to let both of down.

It is a start, one small step to being dependable again. But it mattered to him. And it mattered to me.

I am Prairie Fairy. People count on me. I count on me. I will not drink today.

[FreeFly]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Hello April thread,

Do you have room for one more? Not been round these parts for a while. Was doing pretty well but finding myself spiralling down again. Be nice to jump on board.

Thanks FF

[LillyE]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Welcome Free Fly - yes, please, jump on board and tell us about yourself and what's going on. We are all here because we were doing ok then have been slipping and are restarting.

PF - I am proud of you too. Well done on last night. A great start and must have been a great feeling. Adding up more and more of those days will give yourself and your SO so much more faith in you too.

I went for a big walk with my friend last night and when we got back to hers - where there was wine in the fridge and it's our way to drink lots of wine together - I was so tempted. I was half hoping she'd say 'oh let's just have a wine' and, to be honest, if she had I wouldn't have been able to resist I'm sure. I still feel my comittment is lacking. And I'm using the upcoming trip as an 'out', which isn't helpful, but I didn't drink and I felt good today for it.

Onward over the long weekend when I know other temptations will arise. Gonna try and hold tight though. Day 4 - again.

Lilly

[Prairie Fairy]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Of course FF - you've sat with me on the bench before - there is plenty of room. :-)

[Pocket]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Hey! Just wanted to jump on board... Going to take a bath and put my kiddo to bed, but I am glad for this thread!