April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

[Prairie Fairy]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Fair enough DesertLady - I do carry around enough guilt sometimes that I feel like Atlas trying to hold up the world. And when I became bereft at the realization of what I had done - I was wrapped up in proverbial bubble wrap and told it would be ok.

So - I could relens this as storing good things up. I will likely need reminders to do so - since that is NOT my natural inclination. XOXO for pointing that out.

[Prairie Fairy]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Ok - I am GRUMPY. GRUMPY, GRUMPY. GRUMPY.

Did I say Grumpy? YEAH that.

When I am cooking a big dinner for two - I like to cook while drinking wine. It's part of the ritual. Tonight I did it sober. It was harder than I thought and I actually mourned it a bit. It just didn't feel the same moving from pot to pot - fussing over this and that - without a wine glass nearby.

Then movie night - no wine. That's probably ok - as I never see the end of the movie if I had any. It appears however the SO - during my wine sodden period has a) become accustomed to watching the (EGAD) bonus disc since I have been asleep and can't protest and b) get me to bed and go to sleep.

So my newfound AF'ness actually caused a disagreement because I was mad that if I had to watch the FREEKIN' bonus disc for pity's sake - the least he could do is stay up and talk to me as a pay the penalty. He was - no - we go to bed when the bonus disc is over. Well - WTF? Sober me is wide awake and highly irritated. Now he's snoring and I am pissed off.

Really - the rules around going AF and how it alters the rules of the game - for good and bad - no matter how much both people want you to do it - are in some ways hilarious. I suppose I will laugh about this tomorrow but right now I just want to smash a pillow on his flipping head, tell him to get up Buttercup and talk to me.

Mostly to be irritating right now. I took some GABA and the Rescue Remedy a few minutes ago so I suppose in 15 minutes I will be calm enough to go to bed and not stab him in the eye with a fork. Make me watch each and every FREEKIN segment on the bonus disc?! Who cares about the life of a extra besides seriously? The Extra, his wife, and his Mom and Dad?! Jeez Louise - It wasn't me at midnight on a Friday night. I had far more interesting plans for the man than the life of an extra.

Far be it for me to interrupt that scintillating 15 minutes of our lives we can't get back.

You may kill me now.

[Prairie Fairy]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Cross Posted from the Nest as some of the Restarters don't hang there...missing several of you in the last week which worries me - Lillie E, Pocket, DesertLady, HoneySoup, Patrice, Audrey, Nott's Bad Habit, Over It, Waggoneer, Tipplerette, SweetHereAfter and FreeFly - are you all ok as we start a new week?


This has been one hard weekend.

It was a holiday which ratchets up crap with both exes - and exceeded all expectations this year. Kids on both sides had stuff going on. My job stuff. And going the first AF weekend to boot.

Actually - don't think we would have survived some of the Sh*t this weekend of I had been ripped because had I not been able to count to 1,000 - formulate a measured response, I would have looked no different than the Ex.

But it was horrible because that 2 day bender where I have no idea what I said - keeps sitting here like the elephant in the room. I pushed on it last night - trying to find out how big an elephant is it, what type of elephant specifically, and was told it was a horrible elephant that lasted two hateful days, couldn't expect anyone to walk past that kind of hurt but at the same time says you were clearly out of your head and I am not repeating any of what you said to me - ever.

His point was give it time, let things settle, and went out of his way to say things would be ok. And bundled me up in hugs but it isn't the same thing. When you have had so much better - bundled in hugs can actually feel worse than nothing. But I still am going to make the long drive home today - bereft. I am trying.

But it is really hard not to to say f'it all. Why bother?

I guess I'll have a good cry on my drive home - and maybe part of my plan should be writing down all the reasons why I bother to fight AL when I get home. Because if I don't - this is going to be a one week quit.

[BelleGirl]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

PF, you certainly are dealing with a load of it this week. But going AF through the holiday is a big feather in your cap. Take that experience...and how you made it through...as a springboard for this week. You did not crack. And I am willing to bet this has made you stronger. And that elephant will melt away eventually. Just keep up the fight. You did so well, now is NOT the time to say f-it all. :l:l

[FreeFly]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Hey Prairie,

Just checking in on a restart post Easter family weekend. I could expand but just want to quietly get my head round it. Tail between the legs again as I add this post. Getting it out the way as I want and value the support of this site. All I can say right now, except you're doing great!

Here I go again... and yes, I'm one of those peeps who starts over, and over, and over, and over, and I'm just hoping one day I'll join the ranks of the sober folk.

[berner66]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

First Post in here

Hi

I am new in here and have been relieved that I'm not the only one who has a problem. Prarie Fairy . . I got a lot out of your post. Thank you for that :thanks:

Cheers

Berner

[patrice]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Hi all

I've restarted too.. today

[FreeFly]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Hey Patrice,

I remember you! I'm on the restart programme too - hope to see you around

x

[Prairie Fairy]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Restarting is NOT for the faint of heart.

* You are well aware of how hard the first 13 days will be
* You know one slip can lead to years of a downward spiral if you don't pull yourself out
* Your loved ones have a taste of you AF - they want it back, and each day you make them endure you on AL - you hurt them

BUT...
* You have done it before, you have a taste of success, and you want it back
* You know what has triggered you to drink again - now get a plan to deal with it so that doesn't happen this time
* You know to be prepared and have your supplements on hand BEFORE you try again - why set yourself up for it to be harder than it needs to be? Screw suffering through the full weight of a craving when powdered L-Glut can save your life via your quit - literally?!
* Your loved ones have a recent memory of how wonderful life can be with you without AL, they want YOU back. Be honest - you want YOU back.

Make everyone happy. Restart. Fight.

I won't lie. It's so so hard. My body is so tired this time. I have not slept more than 3 hours in a row in 8 days. I feel like some kind of torture victim. But I know if I hang in here - sleep will come again - hopefully soon.

But it's clear I've brought hope and trust each day I have added to the string. And I wouldn't trade that change in how I am being treated for anything. And I suspect when I have had sleep - I wouldn't trade how I feel about ME either. I am proud I made it through yesterday. I am proud I made it through the grocery store tonight by passing through the liquour section to get to the cash registers - without purchasing anything. I went past it like the devil was chasing me - because it was.

So for all of you restarts - BRAVO! You know what's in front of you but you know you are in a fight: for your life, for your relationships, for your jobs - for so many things - so you are here. Each of you rock. So glad we are in this together. So - let's stay here - and do this. Hard as this is - I know we can.

[DesertLady]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Hey PF - you remembered me, which makes me ridiculously happy! I think I could get to the point that others talk about where this place becomes the replacement addition....which would be a good thing, no?

Just wanted to say, PF, it might have been grumpy and fork-stabby, but you racked up a couple more days, and added to your store of good things, so the weekend didn't completely suck. I'm just gonna go ahead and state that for you, so that when you've finally had some decent sleep it's there for you to see and smile at!!

[Prairie Fairy]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

LOL - Desert Lady - I am going to write a lengthy post later today about what is different (for me) about restarting versus first quit - but first - taxes. Gack.

But there are differences. And ignoring them would make quitting this time harder than it needs to be and some things are by nature of having lost multiple quits are already harder this time.

Anyway - look for it later... :-)

[Prairie Fairy]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

My thoughts on what is different on ReStarting versus the first quit. (YMMV)

1). I'm not as terrified this time of the same things. Then I was terrified of physical withdrawal. This time I realize for me at least - it's not a physical thing after a week. It's in a lot of ways a bigger challenge than that. It's a mental thing. I have to break habits, shift thought patterns, in some cases lose friends that who can't support me without AL...all the things that are as comfortable as old jeans - like grabbing the wine glass, sitting on the chaise, and talking to my girlfriends - have to shift to something different.

2. I realize I am not Supper Modder this time. I wanted to believe I was the person who could mod - that small percentage of people who can do it. I was sure that was me. So far all the evidence says - it's not me. Not even a little. That left to my own devices I don't merely drink - I swim. I float. I backstroke through a sea of red - looking for numb and only finding the tiny, shitty, rotten, mean person who lives inside of me. It's "Instant Ass Hole - Please add AL". That raises the stakes to this a lot - and at the same time - makes this less joyful/celebratory when I get a win - and more introspective.

3. I have fallen enough that my original plan looks like a doodled mess. I had no self awareness at all of my triggers. I did not know what to look for in body shifts to see a fall coming. Now - one benefit to failing - is I surely do know those things and how to read the biological and mental signs.

Actually - speaking of which - my blood sugar is plummeting and I just realized I need to supplement or it will be the witching hour and I will be up the creek.

I will continue with what's different this time after workout class...hope you are all well...

[LillyE]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Back with a sigh

Hi all and especially PF ... thanks for the shout out to those, including myself, who'd gone AWOL.

Yep. You were right to worry. Like FreeFall I'm here with my tail between my legs. A couple of glasses with a friend at the pub last Saturday (not sure how I justified that) turned into a huge bender which was fun at the time but blew me off kilter and I was *massively* depressed for a few days afterwards.

So, I don't know. I need to find my strength again to really restart. I think my concern about Thailand being impossible sober is not helping because I'm not fully mentally committed to the idea because I don't really believe I'll be there a month, with my heavy drinking friends, and not drink.

I posted a question in General about a week ago about the stop-start cycle and got some fabulous advice, which I feel terrible I haven't yet replied to, but it might be useful to some of you also to read.

The thread is here:
https://www.mywayout.org/community/f9...cle-62367.html

I'm a bit all over the shop tomorrow but I'm going to try and make some time tomorrow to read and journal and see if I can get myself in a better head space about it all again. Feel free to post inspiration anyone

GOOD ON YOU PF - you sound like you're doing GREAT. I know it's tough but I sense in your posts that determined mindset that's needed to quit.

Lilly

[patricia]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Back again as well

Good morning everybody, It's almost four years since I found this site. I've gone back to drinking a bottle of wine most nights and once again, I've had enough. Looked up mywayout on my iphone first thing and the relief that I felt was amazing. Since finding this site things haven't got any worse, but certainly I am still struggling with the fact that I'm drinking more than I should. Just want to be at peace with myself and the world - hope it's okay to join this thread even although it is now the 11 of the month. Reading all the posts makes me realise like I am not on my own . . . . . . . . good luck to everyone . . . .think I'll just take a day at a time for the time being x

[Prairie Fairy]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

LillyE;1295118 wrote: Hi all and especially PF ... thanks for the shout out to those, including myself, who'd gone AWOL.

Yep. You were right to worry. Like FreeFall I'm here with my tail between my legs. A couple of glasses with a friend at the pub last Saturday (not sure how I justified that) turned into a huge bender which was fun at the time but blew me off kilter and I was *massively* depressed for a few days afterwards.

So, I don't know. I need to find my strength again to really restart. I think my concern about Thailand being impossible sober is not helping because I'm not fully mentally committed to the idea because I don't really believe I'll be there a month, with my heavy drinking friends, and not drink.

Lilly

I wish you and FreeFall didn't feel like you had to have your tail between your legs on the one hand but I do understand - I would feel the same. And that's exactly why when I broke but good - I just abandoned the site. And made my way into a full on bender. The accountability can be good in that it keeps you straight when it's hard to be AL free and bad if you do fall, your shame makes you go away from the support here.

Don't go away. It won't get better if you go away- it get's worse and as restarters- we all KNOW it.

I am no different. I white knuckle it. I RUN past the liquor section which I can't avoid - the layout puts it at the front of store and I won't even go past the wine section at the grocery. I won't tempt fate. I am not ready. My shopping list takes me to different stores where the layout allows me to avoid the wine section.

Regardless - we can do this - it just does get harder. So - here we are. Battered, bruised, but we are not broken. If we were broken we wouldn't have hope and we wouldn't be here.:l