April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

[mauritiusdodo]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

gingersnap I feel the same - blah is just the word! I think it is what AL does to the soul, makes us not care about anything and I am going to beat it, I am so sick of feeling like life isn't worth living just because I sank two bottles of wine!!

[LillyE]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

How's everyone going? Proud of you peeps who are hanging on in there. My attempt at a sober April has been fairly pathetic I must say. But at least I'm still here.. kind of... I guess.

Well, it's now two weeks til Thailand and I don't know if I'm feeling clearer/stronger. I did take the step of telling my friend - who I will be with there, who is a huge (alcoholic if you ask me) drinker herself - that I *might* not be drinking. Will be interesting to see her response.

Right now, hell, I guess I'm just going to try and focus on two weeks free before I go, having drunk just last night. *Sighs*

GOOD ON YOU ALL who are NOT drinking. You can do this!

[LillyE]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Gingersnap and Mauritius, btw, I hear you. Woke up this morning feeling so blah and miserable - again - having slept badly - having woke up all dehydrated and restless as alcohol can make you. Thinking of all my failures, rather than the good things. It's not worth it. I just wish I could break through to the other side and make that total commitment to quitting but I'm still struggling - over and over.

[mauritiusdodo]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

LillyE (((hugs))) don't beat yourself up just start anew again today You will have to be VERY strong not to drink on holiday, I totally relapsed last year during mine I think it was because I didn't have enough AF time under my belt, really hoping this year will be different, I have 5 months till mine.

[patricia]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Hang on in there LilyE - you can do it. Just try one day today. My secret (worst kept) is to get to my bed as soon as I can because I am so da*mn lazy that I know I won't get out, and I am safe there. You will be so proud of yourself in the morning and tomorrow is another day. You take care.

Px

Day seven for me

[patricia]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Morning all,

LilyE hope you are okay?

Px

Day 8

[LillyE]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Hey thanks all and thanks Patricia for checking in on me - and a big CONGRATS on a week, it's the hardest and when the benefits start to kick in.

Well, I haven't had a drink today or yesterday - though the cravings kicked in a bit tonight but I fought them back - but I guess I'm still feeling on the fence, not really believing I'm not going to not drink in Thailand so therefore not all that committed to re-quitting (again). I know with that attitude I won't. I'm just struggling to find the inner will. Talked to an old friend about it all a bit tonight, which helped.

Anyway, how's everyone else going? Better than me I hope!

Lilly x

[Guitarista]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Ahoy there Prairie F, Lilly, Ginger, Mauritius D, Patricia, and Re-starter's everywhere,

Well done on day 8 Patricia.

PF, how are you going?

Geez Lilly, i can feel your frustration coming out of your posts. I hope you're okay there tonight. What will be your plan for Thailand then? Are you going for sure?

Keep it going everyone, and think positive. With booze in our system, and AL being a depressant, our thinking and general feelings easily move to the negative, which i know states the bloody obvious. We just need to keep at it, and slowly but surely start to rack up those AF days and get our positive mind set back. Hang in there.

Best wishes, G-bloke. :-)

[Guitarista]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

x-post Lilly.

G'day!

Ah, i see you say you're on the fence re drinking or not in Thailand. Just do your best to be safe whichever road you take.

[patricia]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

LilyE - just keep safe and two days is better than no days isn't it? Guitarista, I like your pessimist post, it's getting to the end of the work day here and absolutely tipping down with rain NICE Keep safe everyone. Px

[LillyE]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Hi all,

Thanks G for the posts. You're right about the frustration. I'm very frustrated that I seem to be going around in circles and am not sure how to break the cycle.

But, it does to show the way our minds play tricks on us and find reasons not to quit. I'd been so worried about Thailand (going for a month-long working holiday and, yes, definitely going) in part as I'll be spending most of the time with a friend who's a big heavy drinker AND going away for a weekend when I think there will be a lot of drinking. I was worried she'd react badly to my not drinking as she's been quite pooh-poohing of it in the past in that way that people who are in denial about their own drinking problems can be.

So, I tentatively broached the subject with her and she wrote back that she'd put on quite a bit of weight lately and been drinking and would quite like a detox/non drinking/exercise buddy! Well! Goes to show all that fear was in my own head and was probably more my booze brain trying to put off really quitting. If I could actually not drink there I'd not only be doing myself a big favour but possibly be inspiring her too, which would be great, as last time I was there I was worried about her drinking but didn't feel I could discuss it with her as she seemed defensive about it.

So, now i just really need to work on ME and getting ME into the right quit mindset. Day 3 now. Here we go..

Also, it's been a year today since I had a cigarette! Whoo hoo! Quite the milestone for an ex 20+ year heavy smoker who long thought she could never go a week, month, let alone a year... It took me 11 months of on-off with that to really quit. I see the same thing happening with drinking - just not sure what will be the final switch.

G - I saw you've recently got 30 days - whoot! Since I know you've been on here awhile I gather that means you've had your own on-off-on-off too. Where are you at with all that now? What caused the most recent relapse? (Sorry I'm sure I've missed this elsewhere).

Thanks all, go well,

Lilly x

[LillyE]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Ah, Mr G, just been catching up a bit on your thread. Still not quite clear what the most recent relapse was about but glad you're solid on 30 days. I could definitely relate when you posted about it getting embarrassing to post about a day free, a week, 10, 2 weeks, back to one and so forth, as that's where I'm at. During my year of 'trying to' quit smoking I got to the same point. Didn't want to make a fuss over it until a significant amount of time had passed.

Which now I can. Did I mention I'M ONE YEAR FREE OF CIGARETTES TODAY!!! Yeah. No turning back there.

I just returned from my fortnightly brain shrinkage. I like my therapist a lot and I think she's really great when it comes to CBT stuff, helping me with anxiety, learning mindfulness, examining all my most important values and so forth, but I'm not always sure she really 'gets' alcoholism. She often minimises and encourages me to moderate etc. Today she said that people don't usually choose abstinence unless they've hit rock bottom. This may often be the case but I think it's a really dangerous perception in our society about alcoholism -- that only the late stage is when you need to quit. If people could speak up more, get help for, have recogised... their alcoholism in the earlier stages maybe many wouldn't *need* to hit that rock bottom?

However, I couldn't help wonder if she had a point when she said that addicts often place huge pressure on themselves to be abstinent that can cause more stress when they're not because they're not living up to expectations. She was saying it doesn't sound like I'm really ready to quit and maybe it's important to accept that for now and focus on setting limits.

In a way she's right; in another I think this is dangerous thinking for me. I know, as so many of us here do - or we wouldn't be here - that I absolutely cannot moderate consistently and trying to do so leads invariably back into bingeing. However I feel caught and stuck here - moderation isn't a realistic goal but then complete abstinence doesn't feel like a realistic goal yet either. I'm reading, trying to educate myself, trying to get there, but I'm not.

Anyway, and now I'm babbling. Hello all. Hope you're all feeling strong and happy.

Lilly x

[patricia]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

Morning all

Interesting posts and food for thought.

Now into day 9 and feeling not too bad.

Take care all.

Px

[Guitarista]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

LillyE;1299814 wrote:

I know, as so many of us here do - or we wouldn't be here - that I absolutely cannot moderate consistently and trying to do so leads invariably back into bingeing. However I feel caught and stuck here - moderation isn't a realistic goal but then complete abstinence doesn't feel like a realistic goal yet either.

Hi Lilly, and Restarters everywhere,

Have you answered your own question above Lilly? If your drinking always leads you back to bingeing, then what will you decide? Abstinence is very hard to imagine when we're drinking, or just a few days or weeks even months AF, but after a little while, the fog starts to lift, and we begin to think and see clearly again, without the fog and chemical overhang of grog recently in our system. We have to have faith and take the leap. A musician mate of mine goes to the beaches of Bali a couple of times a year. He is a 24/7 drinker rock star type, but when he gets to Bali, he doesn't drink. He jams with the band, swims, and reads. He calls it Bali re-hab. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Just remember you don't have to drink to have a good time. If the company is good, you'll have a great time anyway, and you will look stunning dahling, as you walk tall, sober healthy and happy in the glistening moonlight. :h

Congratulations on 1 year off the smokes! I used to smoke too, and fortunately gave that up a few years ago. Many of the strategy's used for getting off the fags can be used for booze too. Many parallels.

Best wishes all.

[jenniech]

April Restarts - Lets's do this thing!

thanks to all for your contributions to this thread...I can really relate to it all...it is early here and my mind is a bit foggy but want to post......Lilly, I am the same as you....I know I cannot moderate but pure abstinence is hard for me to accept. The good news is I have cut down on number of times i drink (e.g. went two days AF but then last night succumbed) but the amount is always the same.....too much.

I am going to keep reading and try to get this brain to the point of no more drinking. I think a lot about my age, health, weight. I am 48 and could stand to lose 20 pounds. If i stopped drinking the pounds would come off - I am sure of it! I have a close family friend who is only 54 but is a heavy heavy drinker (keeps vodka at job and drank all day and night) Now he has congestive heart failure and can barely walk. He is in and out of the hospital all the time and has been near death. He can't drive anymore because his feet are so swollen and he can't really write because of swollen hands (all due to the heart condition). He developed pneumonia and had been in intensive care for a couple of months but has finally been moved to a rehab place that is very depressing. Plus while in hospital they found he is now diabetic. I don't want that to happen to me!!! It seems that the heavy duty partiers start to fall apart in their 50s and i am getting close to being that old. It is time to turn things around....I am just trying to figure out how to get my brain to choose common sense over that alluring drug alcohol.....

Today I am going to think a lot about my triggers and what i can do about that. Seems i always fail just when i am starting to feel good (a/k/a not hungover).....need to focus on how to avoid that pitfall....