Stuck in a cycle

[Pocket]

Hey everyone.

I haven't been posting because I've been drinking. It started with a major, major trigger... my long distance girlfriend had a really bad day, drank, and fooled around with her ex-girlfriend.

Couple of things. First, what happened is no excuse for my choice to drink, and I get that. Second, my girlfriend and I have an extremely healthy and satisfying relationship--this is never something either of us thought we would be dealing with. Also, I think it's pertinent to mention that I started drinking in the first place when my ex-partner had an affair.

Anyway, my gf got completely wasted (and she is not a drinker) and made a really horrible choice. It was like a switch got flipped inside me. I know I should have posted or done ANYTHING other than drink. The urge, though, was completely overwhelming, and I gave in.

This was not a slip. This was an all-out bender. I tried to control it, and obviously, I couldn't. I missed work last Tuesday and Wednesday. By Sunday, I was AF. I resisted the urge to drink again all day--even when folks were drinking at a family (well, the ex's family, but they still count) bbq. My sobriety was my top priority.

Then... that night happened. Long story short, my gf broke boundaries that I had set after the cheating incident. It was kind of a freak situation, since she went to her ex-girlfriend's house for a legitimate reason and was attacked (and injured) by the neighbor's dog, but the fact remains that she stayed on the sofa there overnight because she couldn't drive an hour home with her injury. Nothing happened, but knowing she was there sent me reeling.

I drank again yesterday. And I was extremely shaky and panicky this morning. I drank a beer this morning because I felt like I had to in order to prevent alcohol withdrawals. By the time I got off work, I was shaky and feeling withdrawal symptoms again. I drank one beer and I feel... not ok, but not like I need to check into the hospital. I guess I'm on a damn taper, again. I'm sorry for my language, but I am really sick of this.

I'm tired of what I keep doing to myself. I'm really seriously considering meds, but I'm broke. I could go back to AA, but I really don't like many people and attitudes in our local AA community. Also, much of AA teachings tick me off. If I enter a rehab, I will definitely lose my job and probably future career options. Plus, I have to work to pay the bills.

I'm sorry to be such a downer, but I feel at the end of my rope. Not suicidal or anything--don't worry-- but I just feel so angry at myself and so freaking tired of this roller-coaster. I know it takes a lot of quits for some people to make it stick. I guess I could really, really use some positive support right now. I feel like I need reassurance that if I keep quitting, and if I keep tweaking my strategies, eventually I will make this happen. Beating AL is one of the very hardest things I've ever tried to do.

I'm sorry to let everybody down. This stinks.

[K9Lover]

Stuck in a cycle

Hi Pocket!

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know that what happened must be devestating to you. No, not permission to drink, but yes, definitely a trigger. You said it yourself, you are tired of what you're doing to yourself. Time to change. I know it is not easy to get off this roller-coaster. I found out yesterday my dog might be really sick, and my first knee-jerk reaction was "If anything happens to her I will get DRUNK". It's normal for us to run back to what worked in the past, the problem is, for most of us, it's not working anymore.

You didn't let everybody down. You're human and we all make mistakes, and I don't personally know of anyone that got this right on their first try (or 10th even). I'm glad you came here and shared what happened.

I'm thinking of you!

K9

[Lavande]

Stuck in a cycle

Pocket,

You absolutely can break this cycle!
Don't ever give up trying, OK?

I want to share something important with you that took me over fifty years to learn............
You can not control anyone's behavior/choices but yours!
It really is senseless to beat yourself up because someone else did something you don't like or agree with. I did that for way too many years & I have stopped! No more self abuse for me.

Put yourself first, do what's best for you. If your GF really cares about you she'll understand. My husband of 37 years ran off a full year after I quit drinking. Surprised the hell out of me but I've realized his chronic depression is not my fault, it never was. I drank because I couldn't stand his damn attitude. I have survived all of it & you can too

[LibraryGirl]

Stuck in a cycle

Pocket, you have not failed. As long as you want to get AF, you can. All it takes is the desire to change and support, and possibly medication and/or a doctor. I know from your posts on here that you have the strength to do this.

Stay close and lean on us.:l

[Pocket]

Stuck in a cycle

Hey...

Thank you so, so much for your support. K9-- I am so sorry to hear about your dog being sick! That is extremely stressful, and I am thinking of you. Thanks for your words about "permission to drink." I know they have been said before, but this time those words really hit home.

Lav-- You have no idea how much your kind words mean to me right now. To be honest, I was afraid to hear from you, because you are so into accountability (which is awesome), and I hated to let you know my nest-belts got unsnapped. You are right. I can't control others, but I can choose my reaction.

LG-- you telling me you could see my strength and ability to do this is exactly what I needed to hear tonight to avoid going out and buying another beer. I mean that. I was on the verge, but I remembered how strong I am after hearing you remind me, and I am just staying hydrated and getting through til tomorrow.

I work tomorrow. I have a couple of Xanax to take in small doses if I need to, and I might, because my wd symptoms are pretty bad. Even though I was AF Thursday and Sunday, it seems really rough. Not like a hangover. I am worried that I have developed kindling, wherein one goes through wd really quickly because of repeated detox.

In any case, I miss my sober nights at home with my tea in hand, checking in at the nest before watching Netflix or skyping my gf. I can get back there, and I will.

Again, thanks, you guys. It means so, so much to me that you all are here to lean on, as LG said.

[LillyE]

Stuck in a cycle

Pocket, I really feel for you. I'd long been a drinker but I also started to spiral more out of control with it during the period after I found out my ex husband had had an affair (affairs really) and the marriage was breaking down. It just continued to spiral slowly over the 5 years since.

From what you've said, I think you need to get into treatment, whatever it takes. As you said, your sobriety comes first. And if you're losing days to work and needing to drink beer in the morning to ward off the withdrawal, well, how long before you lose your job - and maybe the girlfriend - anyway?

Have you family/anyone who can help? Are there any state sponsored options available to you?

Have you seen the Spiritual River site? Some of this might resonate with you. Look at the articles, particularly the 'how to quit' stuff.

Spiritual River | How to Stop Drinking Alcohol and Get the Addiction Help You Need

I'm so sorry. Keep posting.

L x

[Cornczech]

Stuck in a cycle

Hang in there, Pocket!

I can totally agree with the one post that what someone else does is THAT PERSON'S problem, not yours...you CANNOT control another person...(hell...I sometimes think I cannot even control MYSELF!)

Before age 30, I hardly did ANY kind of chemical....my "thing" was that I was addicted to relationships....been married a few times, in fact....when I started to have serious health issues...chronic pain from endometriosis mainly...I don't know if it was the drugs or the hormonal issues, (I had numerous GYN surgeries...including the removal, at that time, of an ovary...) I FLIPPED OUT and left my normal, intelligent husband and my beautiful baby girl...she was 3 years old...I mean...I simply walked out and began to change...I started to drink, smoke pot, take MDMA....date European men....moved to Europe, Saudi Arabia...got thrown out of Saudi Arabia, (LONG story) and then met my current husband of 13 years...and then I discovered beer...we both drank like teenagers....drunk every weekend...then my health went south again...hysterectomy, bowels surgeries....ICU stays....and I began to drink alone...first 2 beers to "calm me down" then up to 8 a night after my brother died....
but in all of that..I NEVER BLAMED ANYONE BUT MYSELF for my addictions.....
I have learned that i do NOT need a man, (or a lover, whatever) to define myself....I no longer need to party to have fun....now...like a lot of us on here...I just need to learn to live with myself....to not want to drown everything in a haze of alcohol...to learn to live and feel everything....scary, huh?

It'll be fine...just put the blinders on to EVERYTHING but breathing and NOT TAKING A DRINK.....

ciao for now!

[Pocket]

Stuck in a cycle

Hey, Lilly. I recognize that going to a treatment center might be really good for me right now, but the fact is that I am really not ready to give up on other options first. The decision to go to treatment would have far-reaching consequences--losing my career and apartment for starters.

I know that continuing to drink will also have these consequences and worse. I have made progress using other methods. My supplements help, MWO helps, and I am working through a recovery book that aligns with my spiritual belief system. I have other tools and continue to develop new ones, but those are a few.

This was a terrible, terrible screw up; thus the withdrawals. I can say that even though I have had several slips since I began fighting AL in earnest, I haven't let it get anywhere near that point in quite a while. If I find myself relapsing to that extreme repeatedly, I may have to go. But I'm not there yet. I do feel more positive today, and I think I can do this. I checked out the link--that's excellent stuff! I will write more about it when I have longer than a minute with the computer.

Cornczech... wow! What a crazy ride you've had. I also refuse to blame anyone else for my addiction. When I started drinking during my ex's affair, I really didn't have a clue that I might become addicted to AL. I wasn't proud of my drinking, but I never guessed that it would spiral the way it did so quickly.

I also don't need a relationship to define myself. My relationship with my girlfriend is definitely the happiest I have ever been in, and I think we are really intentional about not falling into the proverbial lesbian codependency trap. In many ways, one of the things I love best about not drinking is being fully present for the good and the hard stuff in my relationship. What happened was just incredibly painful and specifically triggering after my experience two years ago. And yeah, the thought of dealing with it without something to numb the pain was terrifying. Not an excuse, and I really wish that I had gotten through this without AL.

But here I am. AF day 1 again. Feeling much better than yesterday, for sure, and ready to start collecting these AF days again.

[LillyE]

Stuck in a cycle

[QUOTE=Pocket;1291626]Hey, Lilly. I recognize that going to a treatment center might be really good for me right now, but the fact is that I am really not ready to give up on other options first. The decision to go to treatment would have far-reaching consequences--losing my career and apartment for starters.

Hi again Pocket,

I hope my post didn't sound harsh - I just really felt for you. And I'd like to highlight again what you've said here. If you can't quit on your own you may well be on the road to losing those things *anyway* and more. That said, I know what an extreme measure treatment can feel like. I know I'm nowhere near ready to contemplate - nor do I feel I really need to, yet... But if it comes to that it might be just something you have to view as as essential as if, say, you had cancer and had to go into hospital for a month. Alcoholism at this stage can be just as deadly yet the danger is we feel we have a 'choice' in the way someone with another deadly disease wouldn't. Am I making sense?

Also, would you HAVE to lose your job and apartment to do so? Could you not get time off - is there anyone there you could talk to confidentially who might be sympathetic? Or could you sublet your apartment etc?

If not, I hope you can do it on your own. And I hope you'll keep posting here.

Lilly x

[LillyE]

Stuck in a cycle

[QUOTE=Pocket;1291626]Hey, Lilly. I recognize that going to a treatment center might be really good for me right now, but the fact is that I am really not ready to give up on other options first. The decision to go to treatment would have far-reaching consequences--losing my career and apartment for starters.

Hi again Pocket,

I hope my post didn't sound harsh - I just really felt for you. And I'd like to highlight again what you've said here. If you can't quit on your own you may well be on the road to losing those things *anyway* and more. That said, I know what an extreme measure treatment can feel like. I know I'm nowhere near ready to contemplate - nor do I feel I really need to, yet... But if it comes to that it might be just something you have to view as as essential as if, say, you had cancer and had to go into hospital for a month. Alcoholism at this stage can be just as deadly yet the danger is we feel we have a 'choice' in the way someone with another deadly disease wouldn't. Am I making sense?

Also, would you HAVE to lose your job and apartment to do so? Could you not get time off - is there anyone there you could talk to confidentially who might be sympathetic? Or could you sublet your apartment etc?

If not, I hope you can do it on your own. And I hope you'll keep posting here.

Lilly x

[Dave_]

Stuck in a cycle

No one is perfect Pocket and if we let it any reason to drink is reason enough.

I was going to give you all the reasons why you shouldn't or can't drink again but I am in the process of dragging my arse out of a 24 hour bender.

Be good and remember the fight is still worth living. I know because I am trying to reconcile my day with a bottle of red gone, and it's only 10:15am! i know what I have to go through again over the next few days but such is life!

[Pocket]

Stuck in a cycle

Lilly, I don't think you were too harsh, and I agree with what you are saying. I wish I could explain more about my work and living situation, but I can't. I do promise that if it comes to it, I will cut my losses and go to an inpatient treatment program. I'm just not there yet. I'm determined, and every time I put my effort into being AF I am gaining a better understanding of what I need to do to beat this thing.

I really appreciate your support, and I will keep posting! :thanks: I have confidence that I can do this, no matter what it takes.

Dave-- hope you're doing okay and took the next stop off your bender! :l Join me and we'll get through these rough days and move on to better ones.